When Your MIL Is Subtly Toxic and No One Else Sees It… How Do You Cope?

I’ve known it for years, but I’ve never wanted to admit it to myself—let alone say it out loud. But here it is: I can’t stand her. And the worst part is, while I know why, it’s often so subtle and insidious that my wife just doesn’t see it. I’m wondering if others can relate.

She is deeply judgmental. She constantly puts her own family on a pedestal, and it’s made me so guarded I don’t share anything about mine. I’ve literally heard her say that one of her other son-in-law’s nieces “looks retarded.” She picks apart and criticises other families like it’s a hobby—and acts like hers is perfect. It makes me sick.

She inserts herself into everything: holiday plans, house renovations, baby names, where we should buy a home—you name it. She always has an opinion, and somehow expects us to follow it. She masks it as “caring,” but it feels intrusive and controlling.

She makes subtle digs at any positive change I make in my life. I’ve been vegetarian for years, but she constantly offers me meat, like she’s trying to catch me out or tempt me. She loves to remind people of the time I briefly went back to eating meat, like it’s some kind of failure. Every time she offers me meat, she knows exactly what she’s doing. There’s a smugness about it that’s impossible to ignore.

She co-parents her other grandchildren. Like, literally. She sees them 4–5 times a week, monopolises every birthday, holiday, Easter, Christmas—you name it, it’s at her place. She even decided what school they go to. When one of the kids was pushed in the kindergarten playground, she went down and circled the playground to find the kid responsible, he was three. Another time, she visited their primary school during lunch to hand out lollies and “check in” because one of the kids was upset about a friend moving away. She’ll keep them home from school just to take them shopping.

Now that we have a son, I want him to have an equal relationship with both sets of grandparents. But when we suggest plans that involve my family—first birthday, Christmas, holidays—she immediately tries to steer it back to her agenda, usually involving her holiday house or a trip overseas. So… do my parents just not get to see him?

She constantly gives unsolicited advice, then acts like we’ll obviously end up doing what she suggested. If we make our own decision—especially one that doesn’t suit her—she subtly undermines it or tries to talk us out of it. When we floated the idea of living overseas for a couple of years, she showed zero support. She even tried to talk my wife out of travelling when she was younger.

She is so nosy. She read my wife’s diary as a teenager. She wants to know about our friends, our relationships, our personal lives—and not in a kind or curious way. It’s like she enjoys hearing about people struggling. She’ll gossip endlessly, speculating about why someone is going through a hard time. And when I’ve had a night out with mates, she immediately asks my wife: “Is he hungover? Did he stay out late?” It feels like she’s waiting for me to fail.

Conversations with her and my FIL are exhausting. They dominate every discussion, mostly about themselves—their properties, their investments, their opinions about everyone else’s lives. If I ever try to speak, she zones out. She could not be less interested.

It’s suffocating. I feel like I have no autonomy in my own family life, no room to breathe, no room to just be. I can’t stand her.