TITLE ERROR: *Whenever my boyfriend(25m) and I(25f)
TL;DR: My bf doesn’t show me any aftercare once arguments have finished because they’re my fault and I should be tending to him instead. I often feel villainized and alone afterwards.
Whenever we argue my boyfriend tends to speak to me in an authoritative tone, often saying things like “I did this because you did that” or “this is the kind of response you deserve”. I have a bad habit of getting defensive because I expect him to lay it on thick and make it all about my mistake/reactions and invalidating how I feel/felt. When I try to explain how I feel he often pulls out buzz-words and tells me my apologies or words aren’t good enough and I have to try again. I know I’m not perfect, but it’s really frustrating that I have to do a bunch of work to make my apology perfect for him and then he doesn’t say anything in return, he doesn’t even ask me if I’m okay.
I don’t expect him to apologize if he doesn’t feel he has anything to apologize for, but it would be nice if he would at least tell me he understands why I was upset after everything has settled.
Tonight we had an argument because we were playing Minecraft and I turned cheats on so I could teleport, even though I’ve asked if I could before and he said no because it’s cheating. I did it anyway because he wasn’t playing with me yet and I wanted to have a little fun after a long boring day. I thought it wasn’t a big deal, and I understand it was wrong of me to go and change our game like that, but when he noticed he just silently kicked me out of the game and turned them off instead of talking to me about it first and telling me how he felt. I got upset because I was having fun and it felt like a massive buzz kill, and he had begun replying to me in a snarky, parental way, so I just left the game entirely. He called me a brat and said I was being unreasonable, but I said I was just having fun and he could have at least talked to me about his feelings first instead of kicking me. I tried telling him I didn’t see it like a big deal because it’s just a game and he said I was “crazy-making” him.
We ended up going on about it for 15min straight until I apologized for turning the cheats on without asking, and then it was just silent between us. I asked him if he had anything else to say and he said no and then just went silent. I’m just really tired of not feeling understood or cared about after conflicts occur. I know conflicts are normal, but not checking on your partner after they finish just feels icky to me. I ask him if he’s alright or if he has anything else he wants to talk about multiple times after and he will just say no and go quiet. Then he gets mad at me when I silently walk off and go to our room, but still he won’t put in any effort to check in on me. I don’t understand why it always is my responsibility to bring things back to a nice place.
I just feel like I’m crazy and I’m so sick of this dynamic where I’m always apologizing and made to feel like I’m doing everything wrong, it would be nice to hear him take responsibility for the things he did to upset me too, at least once in a while.
Comments
Honey, if one of your friends wrote/told you about this, what would your response be?
Does this Dynamik sound like a healthy relationship to you?
I know this is only a small part of your life with your boyfriend but i wouldn’t toleratethus kind of behaviour in anyone in my inner circle. How does he respond when you talk about Problems you are having or about any Problems in your relationship?
Honestly you’re not crazy, it’s not supposed to feel one-sided like that, you deserve someone who actually listens and cares how you feel too.
What youre describing definitely doesnt sound like the best dynamic. I personally cannot imagine ever kicking my SO out of a video game for any reason, it just seems mean and pointless to me. Like who cares if you use a cheat? To my knowledge minecraft isnt a competitive game (ive never played it myself) and like who cares if you wanna teleport or whatever? Like you said you were just goofing off after a long day, i cant imagine wanting to rain on someones parade like that. Seems very immature if nothing else.
It does seem like theres an imbalance here in how he handles conflict, and youve obviously clued into it for a reason. Definitely something you should try to talk about, but he also doesnt sound like the type thatd be open to criticism or admitting fault so it will be hard to reach a conclusion youre both happy with.
Hope things get better for you. Dont let yourself get bulldozed
I think that both of you are immature, you are equally communicating at a lower level, I do agree he sounds like a jerk tho.
Its manipulation, pure and simple. My ex used to do the same thing. All his actions were always somehow in response to something that i did.
It means he takes no responsibilty and admits no wrong. This will not end well.
You end up feeling unseen and unheard and he controls your relationship dynamic.
This is not going to end well.
I’ve been married longer than you’ve been alive and I have to say – you’re not in a healthy relationship. He doesn’t seem to respect you in the least. Seriously, a 15 minute argument over a game and you’re forced to be the one to apologize? That’s incredibly unhealthy and you deserve better.
Look up “DARVO” (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). Look up “sunk cost fallacy”. Look up “JADE in arguments”. Then take a hard look at your relationship and what your future looks like. He won’t take responsibility because he’s convinced you he never has to. That’s not going to change.
You don’t deserve the kind of person he is. You deserve respect. You deserve honesty. You deserve good communication. All partners in relationships do. And you’re not getting that in your current relationship.
Ngl I read the first paragraph. He is being abusive. This is not the best relationship at all. Sorry to give the basic reddit response but this relationship needs to end.