Relationships that were centered on raising kids often end when the kids leave the nest, frequently when a partner has already become involved with someone else. But has anyone left a reasonably “good” relationship in later years to seek “better” without someone already lined up?
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This thread is r/AskOldPeople. I believe that we of older generations took marriage more seriously, and see divorce as an absolute last resort. We didn’t just change relationships/spouses just for the heck of it. All relationships take work. There are times I can’t stand to even be in the same room as my wife, but deep down I love her, and I focus on all of the reasons why we got married, why I felt in love to begin with when I get angry with her.
I once made a choice. It was the correct one.
Never seek out or stay in a relationship because you are scared to be on your own. Learn to love yourself, to be self-sufficient, to consider your worth on how you feel about yourself, not how you think others see you.
When you are in a relationship it should add to your life. That’s not to say you won’t fall out over who’s turn it is to do the dishes, or disagree with each other over how to arrange the furniture or any of the multitude of daily gripes and niggles life throws at you. But know, too, that those gripes and niggles are small compared to the love you share with your partner.
Use this test: if my partner were to fall and break both their arms, would I wipe their arse for them? Would I trust them to wipe my arse for me if I’d broken both my arms? If you can stand the yuckiness because your partner’s wellbeing is more important, then that’s a true partnership. Cherish it and build on it.
A friend divorced her husband years ago because she was bored. She never married again nor had a romantic relationship- not for lack of desire; dates turned into friendships or fizzled out.
She told me about 5 years after she’d divorced him, (and he was happily remarried) not to leave someone because they are boring, there’s no guarantee that you’ll find someone more exciting.
Asian and In my age group 60+ those who divorced are going for the young China girls and they get drained financially.
I haven’t, but I moved to my current city 10 years ago, and my kids made friends with other kids who had single moms. Every single one of them is still single 10 years later and they each wanted a happier ending. There’s a lack of good single men in this area, and wives tend to hold onto the good ones.
So, leaving is no guarantee “better” will be out there.
I did, many years ago. I was dating a really sweet young lady and loved her dearly. I was swayed by a much more sexually adventurous woman and broke up with my GF. I never cheated on the GF but I did end the relationship. The adventurous one ended up cheating on me twice before we broke up. Granted, it ended fine because years later I would meet my eventual wife (married 30 years), but it was a stupid mistake at the time.
I got divorced in 2023. Many aspects of the relationship were good, however I never felt enough sexual compatibility – and other differences were starting to emerge.
If I don’t get into another relationship, it doesn’t bother me that much.
I’m in therapy now (not connected with the relationship) and looking for personal growth.
My ex-wife did this.
A few years later she tried to come back to me, but by then I had moved on. Then after striking out in a short ill-advised second marriage she started drinking. Then she somehow got into party drugs late in life. Then she had an OD which gave her a stroke paralyzing her left leg and arm. Then after a year of excruciating rehab and no improvement to her arm and leg she ended herself.
My takeaway? She should have stayed. I know our kids would prefer not to have experienced all of this.
I watched a friend do this.
TLDR: we are no longer friends.
We met this couple and gelled perfectly with them. They were both incredibly intelligent, but outwardly ditzy, and were always headed towards some outdoor adventure. They seemed perfect for each other.
A woman in our friend group was sort of seeing (but not official) two different guys also in our friend group. I found it interesting that the married friend was oddly obsessed with the fact that the woman was seeing one particular guy and grilled me about conversations the woman and I may have had about him.
The most I could offer the married friend is that I’d had conversations with the man as well, and he was perfectly open and clear about saying he had no intention of getting into a serious, full-time, committed relationship ever again after his marriage ended. He wasn’t melodramatic about it, just sane and sincere. He was a great guy and fun to talk to, so I would not begrudge the single woman hanging with him when she could.
The married couple moved a couple hours away for a few years, and Married Woman continued to message me, grilling about the Single Woman and Fun Guy.
They moved back to the area and next thing you know, Married woman decides to leave her husband – which devastated him – and zeroes in on Fun Guy.
Fun Guy and Separated Woman have a fling, and to no-one’s surprise wants to keep it at that – a fling.
Separated Woman comes back to me crying that he didn’t want an actual relationship and she’d left her husband expecting to move into Fun Guy’s house. I reminded her that he was quite clear about his interest in relationships. She thought she’d be different.
After he cut it off with her, because flings aren’t fun once one partner tries to change the ground rules, she rushed back to her husband trying to reconcile, but he (wisely) noped out of it.
I had to tell her I couldn’t be her sounding board anymore after watching her make a slow-rolling mistake that ruined her life.
An unfortunate aside for Fun Guy, is that Scorned Husband was ENORMOUSLY popular in our little town, loved by everyone, so Fun Guy got himself outcast and had to sell his home and move. I always wished I had to opportunity to talk to him once more before he disappeared to say none of it was really his fault.
Dated a beautiful girl for about 6 months. Went on a trip and stayed in a friend’s apartment, where a girl who I had a crush on years before was living. She had shot me down when I asked her on a date.
Realized I felt more deeply about the ex crush than I did my girlfriend. Had no illusions about the crush dating me, but did decide I wanted something deeper.
Broke up that night.
Married the crush two years later.
Been 44 years.
If the “perfectly fine” relationship has been long-term, then this is a decidedly different situation than a short-term one. In a long-term relationship, they were your support system for many years. They have been “there for you” financially or emotionally or both for many years. They have seen you at you best and your worst and remained steadfast through your fuck ups. There is so much shared history between you two. So, with this circumstance, what is “more” you are seeking? And whatever this “more” may be, it is more significant and essential than the aforementioned? My next question would be, is the “more”you seek something you should investigate as an individual.
I left a “perfectly fine” marriage when I was 30. We had been together since I was 17; he was 10 years older than me. Everything looked great from the outside, and even from the inside it was fine. But over time my sense of myself began to diminish more and more. When I left, I had several years of being really lost, and I questioned my decision daily. Over time, I found my footing and grew into the person I am now (at 62). I remarried when I was 45. My marriage isn’t “perfectly fine” – it is fan-fucking-tastic. I never ever fantasize about leaving, like I did with my first marriage. I am so happy I left the first marriage. It was the best decision of my life.
Gotcha. But you were young and specifically looking for something (sex) you weren’t easily going to get in your relationship.
I nearly did, if that counts. At the 32 year mark I was tasked for eighteen months with the end of life care for my parents, with gruesome medical needs. It nearly destroyed me. My husband did not one thing to support me, even when directly asked. In the years I processed my own trauma I began to see him in a much more honest light. Many of the positive traits I had attributed to him were not really held by him. I had placed him on a pedestal all of our years together. I came very close to leaving. However, our mature family, four grandkids, affluent lifestyle, and mostly daily compatibility made me pause. Now, I am ok, stronger, and very clear that in many respects I am on my own in this life. I guess I settled, but at 67 it is what it is 🤷♀️
I’m not looking for someone better, I think alone will be better.
I just realized I preferred not to have a partner. We were “fine,” but being coupled added more stress than it alleviated, for me. So I wasn’t hoping for someone better. Alone was better.
I 39F left a perfectly fine relationship when I was 24. Looking back, it wasn’t “perfectly fine”. We dated 6 years, and we didn’t live together. I didn’t meet his family. We were wildly different at the time. We did not have great sex. He is a great person, but he wasn’t my person.
How is it going? I have dated great people since then, but nobody has stuck around for the long haul. I’ve learned and grown a lot. I think a lot of it is a function of our early life role models and our own quirks/neuroses how we partner up – so I’m pretty happy with my decisions, all things considered. I believe I was deeply unhappy and if I had continued that relationship I would probably have cheated and done worse things to end it.
I’m sorry I’m kind of an analytical guy. Why would anyone end a relationship if it is “fine”. But if you are looking to leave, there is obviously something missing and it’s not fine. Or your expectations are unrealistic and you are looking for Mr. Super Amazing fantastic-ness. I’m taken.
Let’s back up. The element missing here is menopause. The man is still as horny as ever while his wife is transitioning into being old. She can’t help it, it’s not a choice, it’s just how nature works. Her libido drops and her body is no longer physically able to have sex like she used to. Man leaves because he wants some young woman who can still f*ck. This leaves a lot of older women in poverty. If you marry a woman, please realize that one day she will be an old woman. It’s inevitable.
I guess I sort of did this, though it was a bit mutual. Essentially was married but it was just “fine”. Very little sex, very little laughter, just roommates who shared chores. We had never really been head over heels in love, but had a very stable solid relationship for the most part. The separation was initially mutual, but then my ex changed his mind at the 11th hour and didn’t want the divorce. At that point I was too far gone mentally. There was nothing left for me. So we divorced. There was no one else, just a deep dissatisfaction with my relationship. It took 8 years to find my current partner, and I couldn’t be happier. This is what I knew I wanted and deserved all along (everyone deserves this sort of love and connection).
Don’t.
It’s a line relationship.
I left the relationship that was perfectly fine when I was 30 years old. There was nothing horrible going on, but I knew I wasn’t happy, that we weren’t much of a couple and that I had settled. I met him when I was very young and we got married pretty much because it was the next step, not because we were head over heels in love with each other.
17 years later… I am remarried and have been for 13 years. The thought of staying with my ex-husband still makes me shudder.
I left a perfectly fine marriage. I was 19 when we met, we were together five years. I realized almost immediately that, though there was nothing ‘wrong’, the whole thing wasn’t ‘right’ either. At least for me.
I left him about twelve hours (not all in one day) after meeting someone I had an instant lightning bolt type (love at first sight) connection with. We moved in together immediately and were together 42 years (and two kids).
I’ve gone through some growing pains lately. When I was in my 20s I really wanted to be married. That was my goal. I was married at 27.
I’m 43 now and I wish I had given myself more time to grow up, find myself, etc.
But it’s too late. I can’t reclaimed my youth. My marriage isn’t perfect, my husband drives me nuts, but it’s a good life. And I love my husband.
So instead of throwing in the towel I’m just focusing on ‘growing up.’ Finding myself, going back to school, etc. There are other ways to get better.
His lifestyle was mainly staying home and watching TV and he was fine with that being all that he did. I ended up having to go events I found interesting by myself. The one time I was able to get him to go to a poetry open mic with me, he complained about being bored and getting sleepy and we had to leave early. I think he only really liked me because we had a common hobby of working on old mopeds/scooters, so when he did engage with me it was really only over that.
I ended up leaving mainly because if I have to go to so many things alone and deal with my problems alone, I might as well be. I basically already was. I was still very much in love with him, but love isn’t enough. You can still find yourself in a dynamic where you’re doing all the work with someone who just isn’t meeting your effort.
I’ve been single since, which makes it 7 years now, but it’s been 7 years of peace. I have been able to go wherever I want and do whatever I want. I’m not chained to the couch watching TV with someone because that’s all they want to do. I was also getting sick of him complaining about how he hated living with his parents and didn’t like his job. Today, he’s still living with his parents and only just changed jobs. That’s 7 years of complaining I am so glad I didn’t have to listen to.
My first wife is really a very good woman and a school teacher. She stuck with it through a lot.
As a Deputy Sheriff I got shot in the line of duty and once back to work got into another two gunfights.
Out of law enforcement and working as a bodyman I was burned 3rd degree over 32% of my body. Our child was just 17 days old when that happened and it took 5 surgeries and 2.5 years to recover.
Adding to it, we were in the swinging lifestyle for 16 years.
The fire caused a change in my careers and I got into heavy equipment claims adjusting. Just in 5 states for a TPA form out of Atlanta but it got me in with a major truck insurer and a lot of travel. Every state east of the MS River and 2 eastern Provinces of Canada.
It was the required move that caused the split. She didn’t want to give up tenure and start all over again, and I had to take the job because jobs like it were once in a lifetime offers.
We agreed to split. She moved on and so did I. 28 years later I’m still working and she’s retired and enjoying life. I remarried and have another really good woman who loves the travel.
We’ve settled down in the mountains due to my driving a desk and working coast to coast and border to border now. Life’s not perfect, but it’s working
If you’re thinking about leaving, everything isn’t “fine”. And it’s okay to seek fulfillment!
Listen to that Jiminy Cricket, your mind is telling you something.
Every 10 years or so I have gotten together with a new 23 year old. Though I have been together with the last one for 16 years now. She jokes that she is past her expiration date, lol.
Should never do that if you have children. Selfish.
It took me 27 years to leave an abusive marriage. What turned my mind around finally (among other epiphanies) was that I read that 30% of marriages end because of boredom. Freaking boredom?! Here, I was putting up with mental, emotional, and physical abuse because I thought it was shameful to give up. And other people were bored? That was an eye-opener.
When I told an older couple who lived down the street that I was divorcing my husband, the man said, “I always thought you two were the perfect couple!”. His wife looked at him and said, “Honey. You don’t live in their house.” She got it.
When the Honeymoon phase is over, most of us settle for a compensated compromise. Usually, material things or responsibilities sharing make-up for romance and even love if the two can still be friendly and respectful to one another.