For some context, my parents and I divorced when I was little (not sure at what age, I guess when I was 4???) after that, I’ve been living with my dad (46M) my whole childhood and teen years. For the whole time, I also grew up with my stepmom (38F). She’s not horrible, but she never coddles me when I’m little even now. It’s that ‘hardening your child’ kind of parenting. 2 years ago, my stepmom and my dad had a huge fight. The household is in shambles now. I was in college the whole time so there was nothing I could do. Because of that even during long break, I don’t want to go home.
When I was in college, I finally met my biological mother (the one in the title). The meeting was brief, we both spend the whole-time crying. My mother won’t stop apologizing and saying how guilty she felt for never been there for me growing up. I was SO confused at that time, I don’t know what to say. She hugs me, caress me A LOT. I’ve never felt so ‘cherished’ and accepted. Then my mom had to go back (she lives very far away).
After I met her, every time there was a break, I will stay with my bio mom at her place. Y’know, getting to know each other and all. We would cuddle on the sofa watching TV. Eating out after she came home from work. She always came home early to hang out with me. We talked so much. I had a very hard time going back to college. It turns out, she and my dad stay as friends long after the divorce. My dad would often update about my well-being to her. There were SO MANY chances for me to meet my mom when I was little. It’s just that my dad always ‘forgot’. Then she also explained that after the divorce, she was so upset that she transfers her job far away from us. She’s been living there all this time.
Fast-forwards to today, after I finished college 3 months ago, I have been staying with my mom ever since (took me a lot of convincing dad). It was… exhausting? The ‘charm’ of when I first met her was gone. It was like she was I different person. She never has time for me. She doesn’t ‘commit’ in our conversations anymore. She doesn’t want to sit next to me on the sofa when watching TV. Never-mind that, she’s ALWAYS in her room with the door locked and the hugs are briefer. It’s like there’s this thick barrier between us. I understand if it is a boundary but, are mothers and sons like this? Am I the one who is too desperate for her attention?
I tried talking to her about our situations, she said that I can no longer be ‘pampered’ and cuddles with her anymore. She noticed it made me act more child-like with her. I was like, okay I understand (I never said I was fine with it).
Why am I so conflicted with this? Why am I annoyed that she spends more time with her colleagues than me (going for a long ride, hiking, fishing etc.)? Why am I so worried about her going to work? (She always came home late but that’s okay, she’s very busy) Why am I so afraid of losing her again? Why the thoughts of her marrying some or having a bf scares me? Did she only want me because of guilt (from my perspective, she left me)? Why am I like this?
TL;DR: I met my mom after years of never seeing her, now we no longer get along.