I try to play nice, be polite, be mature, be mindful and considerate of other people’s feelings, but it seems like my thoughts and feelings don’t matter. When I try to handle things the polite way, it gets ignored or laughed off. Then when I get more aggressive or snap, I’m “disrespectful,” “rude,” “too sensitive,” “too serious,” or I “need to chill.” Then I’m given the cold shoulder or I’m lambasted for how I “hurt people’s feelings”because of how I talked to people. Yet, when I tried to be nice and polite, it was disregarded. Suddenly they’re talking about how “my true colors were showing”, and what not. What about my feelings? What about how I feel when I ask someone to “stop” and that gets ignored or laughed off? What about how I feel when I’m unfairly villainized because my patience was tried too many times and I finally snapped to get my point across? It’s a million times worse when the people who pull these shenanigans, are your own family and they hold a lot of financial and emotional power over you. I wish I could afford my own place and resources, then I could have a healthy relationship with them from a distance. However, in this dystopian world and crumbling economy, especially here in the U.S, that doesn’t seem very likely.
Comments
People get uncomfortable when you confront them or assert boundaries because they were comfortable with how they disrespected you before. Those who cannot face and assess boundary are those who lack the ability to self reflect and acknowledge their wrongs. You are not the bad guy. The bad guy wouldn’t be questioning and breaking apart how they feel and why they responded accordingly to your measure. Especially when it is family; they were used to you being quiet, the glass child, the one they could walk over and boss around— you may have been a people pleaser, now that that is no longer, it is seen as aggression, “brat”, anger, etc. unfortunately that’s how it is. Just keep going, you know who you are, you know why you are the way you are. You are doing no wrong, you are doing your best.
Easy, people don’t like being told what to do, and have such an egocentric pov that they can’t fathom being wrong and having to adjust their own behavior
I used to have this reoccurring dream all of the time where I was yelling and screaming and no one could hear me or they weren’t listening to me, I honestly don’t even know which. But I would scream and scream and there would be people all around me, but they just kept ignoring me. I think it stemmed from this same issue, feeling like people weren’t really listening to me. I will also add that a lot of it is internal work that I am still working on. I’m trying to just feel more comfortable and secure in my decisions and boundaries. Which is really hard and I still really struggle with it, but I can only control how I react to things, not how other people do.
Edit to add: not to say that your feelings aren’t valid, they absolutely are, but I just really relate to your post and have found this way of thinking to be my only solace. Also I listened to this audiobook last year and found it helpful for these moments: The Courage to Be Disliked: How to Free Yourself, Change Your Life, and Achieve Real Happiness by
Ichiro Kishimi, Fumitake Koga
Wow, I feel like I could have written a very similar post, as I have been experiencing similar feelings around being made to feel like my needs don’t matter, being ignored, being told I am too sensitive / serious / formal. Like you, I put effort into being polite, respectful and considerate, then when I change tactics due to being disrespected, I am being villainized. It sucks. It is disheartening, and if it happens multiple times or if multiple people are telling you that you are the problem, it really does make you question whether you are, in fact, this horrible person and maybe you should just retract your boundaries.
From my experience, people react this way when they thought they could walk all over you, and you show up strong in speaking up for yourself and asserting your boundaries. Yes, as mentioned in other comments, people don’t like being told what to do. But especially family, who has known you for years, often don’t like this growth and change of behavior, because it inconveniences them after they have gotten used to getting away with everything.
The people who love you, respect you, and help you flourish, are those who will want to know what your boundaries are and learn how to hold space for you better. I am fortunate to have such people around, who were there to support me when I was being cornered in this way. And as one of them said to me: play stupid games, win stupid prizes. If your family members don’t intentionally care for you and are considerate of you, then you are within your right to set up an even stricter boundary to protect yourself.
I hope you will find away to independence. I really do. It sounds like a challenging situation.
~ Eclipse
you’re not the bad guy—you’re just done playing the emotional doormat
the real problem: you were trained to think boundaries are negotiations instead of non-negotiables
so when ppl trample them and you finally snap, they act like you’re the unstable one
nah
they’re just mad the free access pass to your energy expired
family, friends, coworkers—doesn’t matter
the rule is the same:
some ppl will rage, sulk, guilt trip
good
they’re showing you exactly why the boundary had to exist in the first place
protect your peace like your life depends on it—bc it does