I (23F) and my boyfriend (24M) have been in a long-distance relationship for 4–5 years. We’re both brown and international students. I’ve supported him through everything -emotionally, academically, and through his job search. He’s now finishing his degree and already has a job lined up. I graduate next semester.
I always assumed once we both reached this stage, we’d finally get married and live together. But every time I bring up a timeline (like getting married next year or the year after), he has no real opinion or plan – he only asks what I want. For everything else in life (career, family plans, travel), he has strong opinions – just never for our future.
Recently I asked when he plans to tell his parents. He said he’ll tell them during a visit and get married within 30 days – which is completely unrealistic, especially coming from conservative brown families. His mother and sisters know about me, but not his father. I told him I expect him to speak to his mother directly and his father in person. Instead, he makes excuses like “my mother will tell him.”
When I expressed that I don’t believe in engagement (it’s not a thing in my family, especially while still long-distance), he randomly said he wants to get engaged next year. That hurt. I’ve been clear that I want to get married and start our life together. Engagement doesn’t change anything for me. He later said he panicked and only said that because I didn’t give him time to think.
I just feel like I’ve supported him through so much, but when it’s about us, there’s no thought, no timeline, no initiative. I don’t want to force anything – I just want to feel like he’s also thinking about our future, not just his.
What should I do?
TL;DR:
Been in a long-distance relationship for 5 years (brown, international students (23F, 24M)). I’ve supported him through everything. Now he’s secured a job and I graduate soon, but when it comes to marriage or moving in, he has no opinion or plan. Gives vague or unrealistic answers, like telling his family and getting married in 30 days. Suggested engagement next year, even though I don’t want it. It hurts to see him plan everything except us.