My wife (29F) and I (26M) have been in a rough spot for a while. We have been married 5 years. and together almost 6. I’ll try to keep it short but no promise.
We met with the mutual thought of having fun. both came from toxic relationships. Fast forward 4 months and we are pregnant with our first son.
I didn’t freak out and knew i wanted to commit. But the next couple of years were not good. Looking back at it i treated her horrible. She just wanted love and attention. I got comfortable with the fact that we have a kid and are married now. Perhaps i felt like i didn’t have to try and we were tied in together because of it.
Although we had good days there were still a lot of bad. I would just want to hang with the boys or game and not spend time with her. She would have to ask for affection and i would get mad at the fact the she got upset that she had to ask for a kiss goodnight.
There was no cheating. But as an immature 21 yo at the time i thought it was a good idea to keep old pictures and videos with other girls…and she saw it. And I got mad at her. I was an idiot and regret it now.
I wasn’t sexually attracted during her first pregnancy and we had another child right after and it was the same issue. I gave nothing while she gave me everything.
She would ask for sex and i would deny. i wasn’t attracted.
Only credit i can give myself is i was working and we bought a house and her dream car. We went to Disney a lot. I think im a great father and im always there for my kids.
But i suffer with bad mental health. Anxiety and depression. I was a debbie downer. always annoyed. too much traffic to go out. too little money to have fun. don’t want to do this and that. cooped up at the house.
Started drinking and mixing my anti depressants with drugs. Whole time she still stayed by my side and even though she has her flaws and sometimes instigates arguments, they all stem from the anger she has of how i treated her. How i ruined 2 pregnancies for her. How i ruined our married before it had a chance to thrive.
and i couldn’t agree more. I see it now. Now that she told me she has made peace with the thought of us divorcing. After she stopped giving me love and affection. After she gave up trying to spend time together. After she stopped buying me small details she know i’ll like.
Now that she’s ready to move on with her life and has accepted that maybe we aren’t meant for each other, i want to fix everything. Why did i have to wait so long to see what i had right in front of me?
I’m sitting here struggling with the fact that this might be my new reality. But i’m determined to make it work. I stopped drinking( was never super into just on occasional lonely nights)
I crave her more than ever. I miss her. I miss us when we were good. I will do whatever it takes to make it work and fix myself to fix our family.
But at the same time, although i know its not iver. ight, every attempt i do seems to just idk make it worse.
I buy flowers and she doesn’t care, she says she’s been asking for years. I kiss and give attention. and she doesn’t care.
I mean i don’t blame her.
I just want to save my marriage.
Why is it when the woman finally finds peace and wants to leave the man, that’s when the man decides to change?
Any insight would help. I guess i just wanted to vent online.
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It too late. Even if you are back together, you will be the same as before.you only want her back, you don’t want to change, real change, become a better person.
>Now that she’s ready to move on with her life and has accepted that maybe we aren’t meant for each other, i want to fix everything.
Sadly this is common.
>this might be my new reality.
It is.
>I crave her more than ever
That’s because you can’t have her.
>I will do whatever it takes
It’s too little too late.
>I just want to save my marriage
Too late.
She deserves better. Let her go. Don’t make this more difficult than it has to be.
I’d chalk some of this up to age and the rushed life stage of kids and marriage. You’re only 26 now. The frontal cortex of your brain that manages impulse control, identifying potential consequences, and judgement? It doesn’t fully develop til you’re around 27. In a parallel world, you’d have learned these lessons through dating multiple people. But you went all in prematurely with this woman. You weren’t ready to be a partner.
And all that may be good reason for your behavior but it’s not an excuse and I don’t see you looking for one.
The truth is that a lot of people just don’t get motivated to make changes until they have to.
Like people who drink and drive. They know it’s against the law. They know the risks to themselves and others. They don’t care. They figure they’re fine because they get away with over and over til they don’t. And then the change is mandatory. There are consequences and just being sorry or acknowledging you fucked up doesn’t blunt the consequences. It’s great to take responsibility but sometimes it’s just too late.
So that’s where you are. Sitting in the drunk tank sobering up and realizing you’re here due to your choices. And seeing the consequences mount.
You could try couples counseling but by the time most people say they want to call it quits, they have been done for some time. It’s news to you but likely something she’s been weighing for months or years.
It may be that the best you can do is learn from this and do better next time.
Marriage is not the sign of success in a relationship and in my experience men don’t get that. Every man I’ve been married to always just relaxes and thinks the work is done once you are married. It’s never done. You have to work at it. My ex wanted a separation and I eventually gave it to him. What therapists told us was that it was a mistake to separate. And it was. I moved on in that time we were separated and then wanted a divorce and I have never looked back. It’s human nature to want what we can’t have. But you can learn from this and treat the next woman better because you are young. And I also have to add—what is more beautiful than your wife giving up her body to create a life inside her?
Breaking news: Man Discovers Actions Have Consequences
When one person accepts the fact that they not treated well, the person who is in the wrong realizes they messed up.
It’s not just a man thing. I’ve been on the other side of that too.
As for you and why you acted the way you did, young people are often immature and they can be selfish so that was probably part of why you acted that way. Now you’re able to see things from her perspective, but you couldn’t do it earlier.
PS: I’m not saying being young made what you did ok. I’m saying it was likely a factor.
Too little, too late. It only takes one person to opt out of the relationship and you opted out first, she followed your lead.
She told you what you needed to change for years. You treated her horribly. What should make her believe you here? Your credentials are literally ‘Trust me bro’. She was a married single mom to three children. Stop being a burden, start making her life easier and don’t make the divorce any more difficult than it has to be. FAFO
Guys are not like you. You are like you.
To late my man.
If she is done and I mean a long long history of this the pain is so deep it will be next to impossible to repair unless you are actually 100% to lose you and I mean totally let go of what and who you believe you are and actually grow for you and not to keep her.
And when you do this be 100% prepared to come to the realization that this was never going to work and you two just are not compatible. There is 50-50 chance this will happen.
Be accountable except the fate you caused and the pain you created.. Don’t flip it like you didn’t do this or mean to do this or blame the drugs and alcohol..or how she could do this when you gave her all the material things she wanted.
When all she ever wanted was to be seen…
Harsh truth and hard to hear.
But this truth comes from man who did this exact same thing and learned a valuable lesson, and in the end, I thank the mother of my kids for leaving me..I wouldn’t have never changed my life.
I dont have her, which is ok as we were never compatible in the long run.. but i have my kid and her mom and me work we’ll together…