I [30F] have been longterm single since my early 20s. A few month or so long flings and casual sex. Right now I’m celibate and have been for nearly a year or so just enjoying time with friends and new hobbies.
Something I always hear constantly is “Why are you single?” maybe it’s a compliment, but it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. If I answer about not meeting the right person, sometimes the reaction is disbelief or I should try harder? In relationships, it has been considered a red flag that I’ve been longterm single. Is it?
There’s additional pressure from my family since I’ve never brought a plus one around to any events and the biological clock is ticking….
Can any of you ladies relate to this?
Comments
The right answer is "Just lucky, I guess !".
Everyone sees the clear discrepancy in degrees, manners, care for their communities between men and women nowadays. So everyone is supportive of the freedom…
I think most people are single because they haven’t found a good fit, and people who are partnered have no clue the amount of time, effort and energy it takes to find compatibility and attraction. A single life is often more peaceful and enriching for women.
I usually say something like, “I haven’t found anyone fantastic enough to disturb my peace.” Or, “I’m really picky.” Whatever.
I think it’s a valid question, as is ‘What do you do for work and why did you choose that field?’ and their like. Thing is, when someone has a job they’re proud of, the question is never offered or intrusive; however, when someone is where they don’t want to be these questions stir up big feelings and we can no longer lie to ourselves.
Which scenario applies to you, do you feel?
Where we ‘are’ speaks volumes as does where we’ve been. It’s an inside look. In your case, I imagine celibacy has a LOT to do with a decade of singleness and I think potential partners have every right to know the reason. To someone who wants sex in a marriage, yes, you are a red flag, but not everyone wants that.
Not every red flag is universal, excluding extremes.
You have explained in this post why you think you are single. And that’s enough. Yoir reasons are enough. Thing is, people don’t have to accept yoir reasons or your choices.
"why do you care if I’m single?" Lol ugh I hate these types of questions. Like idk dude, "why anything man" lol.
We are actually a growing group. Did you see the recent findings that more women are choosing to be single?
No one asks me why I’m single anymore. Or it’s rare. I think they assume I’m dating and not talking about it or they realize how finding a decent male partner is like finding a needle in a haystack.
Some possible comebacks:
Why do you ask?
I’m enjoying time with my friends and hobbies.
37F here in the US.
The toxic state of dating culture honestly made me feel like I was losing my grip on reality…. Until I see all these women experiencing the exact same thing and then the statistics coming out….
Turns out I’m in very good company and not crazy
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"I enjoy being single, I don’t have many examples of happy and healthy relationships in my family."
I think it’s somewhat normal to ask this question in a romantic context, not because there’s something wrong with being single, but because it can give people insight into your past experiences and how that has impacted you.
Like, if you say you’ve dated around a bit but never found someone who was the right fit, that’s pretty valid. You tried, and they simply weren’t compatible for various reasons, so you didn’t want to settle for the wrong person. I think that’s a good thing.
Or maybe you preferred casual relationships because you didn’t feel like being in a serious one for whatever reason – this answer might be a red flag to some people who don’t really like casual relationships and might think you have commitment issues.
But if family/friends are asking the question, it’s really just antiquated societal pressure or maybe curiosity, I suppose. I think most people understand that finding a compatible partner is usually not easy, especially as you get older and have higher expectations.
I made the choice to be celibate for about year or so.
I was in a long term relationship, got dumped, was having a good time with casual flings, and then i stopped because I wanted to learn more about who I am as a person. Picked up some new hobbies, and have been in therapy for about 4 years now.
Im not celibate any more, but that time really helped. I would still go on dates, but I wouldn’t go further than a hug.
I’ve got quite a few years on you but I’ve been purposely single since my early 30s. One day, I looked in the mirror and saw The One looking back at me. That woman in the mirror? We get along. I’m at peace by myself.
"Why are you single, P. Crock?"
Because I’ve yet to find a person who can offer up anything to improve upon this life I’ve made for myself. They aren’t competing with everyone out there, they’re competing with me, and I’m fucking fierce.
I consider serial monogamy and/or chronic singleness as red flags.
To me it is correlated to an inability to form and/or hold meaningful connections to people and to effectively problem solve. Maybe even to a lack of emotional intelligence.
But that’s from a relationship-centric point of view.
And people who have been single for a long time are likely to have different priorities, expectations, and needs. I fucking love to cuddle every night and that might be your nightmare.
So the question is more about what you want for yourself rather than what other people think of it.
"Why are you single? What’s wrong with you?"
Why am I never single? Am I unable to prioritize myself? Am I dependent on external validation? Whats wrong with me?
See how silly it sounds to try to evaluate our preferences under other people’s point of view?
Your family is pressuring you, that’s a separate issue: how to deal with family being stupid 101 should be a class.
My answer is that it just works better for me, which is the truth. To some extent, I’m happier on my own because of personal issues that mean I’m not my best self in a relationship, but whatever the reason, I’m happier being single than in a relationship.
I find it’s a good sign if people ask the question if out of curiosity as it means your held in some regard in their mind at least as being capable of finding a relationship. It’s when the question is posed as an accusation or is repeated enough to be intrusive it sucks.
I’m never asked about my status or what’s happening with my dating life as people just assume I don’t have one and they don’t want to be put in a position where they feel they would need to lie to maintain face after querying it.
‘Why are you single?’
Because we both know its because I’m unattractive and not good enough for someone to choose over others but I’ll just say focusing on self/haven’t found anyone yet because that’s kind of true as well.
‘Just haven’t met anyone’
‘Ooooh’.
Bout as good a response I can get and the conversation moves swiftly on.
Oh I’m asked this often. I generally have a direct answer — haven’t found anything worthy of me yet. I’ll get married the day I find them.
As a response, I generally get told that I’m picky. I definitely am and I don’t see why I shouldn’t be. There are some things that I deem important, just because others don’t, it doesn’t make me wrong. I’m sure they have their preferences too, but maybe their preferences are more easily met. 🤷🏽♀️
I don’t get asked this question but if I did, I would just say that I enjoy my single life and don’t have a desire to have a partner. And if someone were to probe more, I would say that I don’t really think being in a relationship is going to make me happier than I am now.
When I was young and unsure of myself, I would tell people that I hadn’t found the right person yet. But the truth was that I wasn’t even looking since I wasn’t interested. I wish I had had the courage to tell people that instead of letting them think I was on the prowl.
People are nosey! It’s irritating to ask a single person “why are you single” The dating climate right now is ROUGH. I been celibate for a year and some change too. It’s like we have to really proceed with caution with dating. I do my best to stay hopeful but I think people need to mind their business and stop asking things like this. The family pressure for me is the most annoying aspect.
I do get asked this question, and yeah i can hear their disbelief lol. My thing is i just very rarely feel attraction, and if i don’t believe it’s possible to go far (ie different countries with neither want to move, incompatible sexual orientation, incompatible preferences that cannot be compromised etc), then i let it fizzle. Which make me rather tire of the attitude (as seen even in this thread) that chronic single is a red flag because I’m incapable of keeping a connection. Ignoring the fact that i have loving family, close friends, good relationships with coworkers and can strike up conversations/start and keep connections to strangers i meet etc. Sorry i don’t fall in love as often as them i guess? What am i supposed to do, randomly dating people i have no feeling to or jump into relationships that are doomed from the start?
To be honest men kind of scare me right now. I’m not even dating. So many guys supporting or showing interest in people like Tate, Peterson, Trump, Vance…. I don’t want to risk it.
I also have a daughter and that exasperates my trust issues. I know it’s terrible to generalize but when a man supports politicians or personalities like that I always question if they themselves share attraction towards children or just don’t see it as a problem. I’m also just too afraid to get into the details of that conversation. I don’t feel comfortable or understood by men, even family members.
When people ask me I just laugh it off and say I’m focusing on my career and daughter. I’ve tried getting into my fear with my uncle once and he asked if I personally expirence it or if I just saw it online. I answered both and he just told me to stop watching the news lol
“Why are you partnered” so sick of the cultural norm being partnered. It’s not a flaw to be single, in fact it’s often much easier and better in many ways
I take it as a compliment when people are surprised and ask why I’m single. To me it means they see me as an attractive and well put together person. I just simply respond with saying I haven’t met the right person yet!
Yeah, I totally get this! Being single for a while doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Honestly, it can be a sign that you’re comfortable with yourself and not just jumping into anything for the sake of it. The pressure can be a lot, but you’re the one who knows what’s best for you. You’re investing in yourself and your happiness, and that’s the most important thing. You’re not defined by whether you’re in a relationship or not, so don’t let anyone make you feel like you should rush it.
A relationship doesn’t fit into my current lifestyle and responsibilities.
I tried it last year, but I felt I didn’t have actual time to bond. When people I ask I tell them I am protecting my peace.
I think those of us who have been single for a while (and who also desire romantic partnership) are single for one of two main reasons:
They haven’t been trying that hard to meet someone and/or are spending time working on themselves before trying to date again.
A lot of people tend to bounce from relationship to relationship because they’re mostly focused on chemistry without also emphasizing values. This might make them seems like they are "more desirable", but in reality they’re often going for short-term fun/connection over something that will be likely to work in the long-run.
I’m not sure if it’s a good thing, but everyone stopped asking me 😅
It’s totally fine to be single, it doesn’t sound like you’re worried about it, it sounds like others are worried for you- but you’re just enjoying your life.
Others were worried for me, too, but only you know what is best for you.
“Because I want to be”
This question comes up all the time, and I’m so shocked that anyone would actually think it’s okay to ask that. Unless it’s more of "why in the world is someone like you single???" But that doesn’t seem to be the tone.
A generic "just haven’t met the one yet" is all this really deserves.
Luckily I haven’t had that question in years since I’m surrounded by others who have different relationship dynamics (single, married with/without kids, older kids, divorced, etc.) but ugh, I have gotten that question a few times.
I’m also longterm single – but unlike you riddled with tons of weird things that keep me that way (lol) so it’s hard for me to talk about.
Usually people are trying to figure out what’s wrong with you or throw out unhelpful advice. IMO – a lot of people were lucky enough to find their person with very little effort and internal work. I think it’s frustrating to infer that you NEED to better yourself in whatever way to be worthy of a relationship. It’s assumed that you’re lacking so much that you couldn’t possibly be relationship material yet – very disheartening.
"Why aren’t you? It’s awesome."
I’m single because I’m lazy and crazy.
Too pretty
It’s an insensitive, rude thing to ask somebody.
I’m not single, but suspect I will be in the next few days. I’m already seeing familiar signs of avoidance and complacency. It’s easier to be single, even though there’s a void within me that languishes without emotional intimacy. It is still so much better than the abject loneliness persisting when dating someone. In that sense, I try to keep it brief when people ask: "I haven’t found a good fit". If they’re incredulous, I just shrug it off and don’t care too much what they think of me. I’m the one that has to live with those decisions — not them.
I can relate to the pressure, all the same. I don’t feel the biological clock ticking, even though I want to be a parent. I put a lot of work into accepting the way my life plays out, the ways I can have agency, and what brings me real happiness. But the real want to share myself and my life with someone is always there. I just won’t tolerate a relationship being the source of daily annoyance.
If you’re happy being single, then the question is annoying because it implies that being single is a state that requires justification, while being partnered doesn’t. I’ve never heard anyone ask a married person "Why are you married?"
If you’re single not by choice, then the question is painful and unanswerable. It comes across as "What’s wrong with you?" What do you want me to do, list all my personal flaws? Most people just aren’t attracted to me, and the very few people I’ve gone on dates with were people I just never strongly connected with. That’s it. That’s the reason. But somehow I don’t think that’s the kind of answer people are looking for.
>In relationships, it has been considered a red flag that I’ve been longterm single.
Yes this is such a catch-22. Everyone talks a big game about how it’s better to be single than in an unhappy relationship, and how it’s healthy to be okay with being single, but if you actually follow that advice and are single for a long time, then people get suspicious and think there’s something wrong with you. You get told there’s something wrong with you if you want a partner, and you get told there’s something wrong with you if you go too long without a partner.
"Why not?"
Put the onus back on them to answer.
"Cuz he’ll follow me home if I agree to a relationship. I don’t want nobody iny house."
I have been single since my divorce 12 years ago. People have stopped asking why I am single bc they know I am sick of dating bullshit. The dating pool in my city is a shitshow. My choices are dudes who are freshly divorced, still hung up on their ex wives and just looking for flings, or man-children who are chronically single bc they do not know how to function in a relationship.
I’m going to start saying that I’m ’happily single.’
It kinda feels like a mic drop moment.
I started replying “Because I’m a necrophiliac, so the men I’m attracted to never like me back.”