I’m a mom of three, and my youngest just turned one. I’ve only had three pregnancies—but now I’m coming to terms with the fact that this is my body now. The way I look in the mirror has changed. My private area looks different, and I think I might be experiencing a prolapse (I’m seeing a doctor soon).
No one ever told me this could happen. Not in school. Not in any real way before having kids. Why are we not taught that motherhood can change your identity, your mental health, your relationships, and even the shape of your body forever?
I wish someone had told me how deep this runs—because I feel like I’m only just now waking up to the full reality of it.
Comments
Are we not taught these things?
Maybe the messaging is interpreted distention differently from one person to the next, but one of the major reasons I put off having children was that I knew it would change my body in ways I would never recover from, and that prospect scared me. It wasn’t until I could accept making those sacrifices that I felt ready to have a baby.
Because if they told us these things upfront, most women would not choose to have kids.
I never even wanted to have kids and I definitely read and heard about this in my teens. I don’t know why you didn’t.
[deleted]
I have two children and my body definitely changed. I wouldn’t change anything to have my pre-baby body back. It’s so worth it!!
I mean I knew this stuff which is why I decided to be child free. But yeah in general people just want to glaze pregnancy and parenting despite all the bad. It helps them get more people to have babies that way.
Sorry you are experiencing that! I feel like it’s talked about a lot on the internet and in much more modern mothering/parenting spaces but no that stuff isn’t taught in schools, although I learned a lot about pregnancy and childbirth in college during a human sexuality class. I also knew about some of physical stuff because my mom was open about it. It’s definitely one of the reasons I don’t plan for kids.
You never saw your mom naked?? Looking at my mom gave me a pretty good idea
I research everything. That’s why I’m not having children. Have you never seen a dog that was pregnant? It does not look like it did before it was pregnant.
I grew up in a low income area so the teachers made sure we knew before we even graduated middle school 😅
My mom was a neonatal intensive care nurse. She told us horror stories over dinner. I have never wanted children and I firmly believe her stories influenced me.
All of this is obvious and absolutely is discussed and taught… You really didn’t realize your body would change?? You didn’t realize having kids would change your identity?? Are you oblivious in life or just living with your head in the sand? Just because you didn’t listen doesn’t mean it wasn’t taught or discussed.
I was informed of all of this up front and decided not to have kids.
That’s probably why.
Part of this is because you don’t want to hear it; having children is a major life goal for many women, so saying “your body will be destroyed” isn’t helpful.
Plus, it’s a spectrum, some people are fine.
Solidarity. I’m a scientist and I still didn’t know. And just yesterday I learned my baby destroyed my poop muscles and now I have to go to PT. FUN TIMES.
I was aware of all of these though, which added a lot of fear in me to get pregnant. I’m surprised you’ve not been through any education on it
What do you mean “only” had three pregnancies?! That’s a lot! “Only 3” compared to women in the 1900s who had 12 kids maybe?!
Do you think being told that would’ve changed if you had kids? Did your body change after your first? Second? Is it now only changed after your third?
I learned this in my very thorough 9th grade bio class.
Maybe it’s because I have older kids but is “What To Expect When You’re Expecting” not considered “a pregnant woman’s bible” anymore? They handed out copies at the doctor’s office 20+ years ago. It felt like you couldn’t escape that book while pregnant in the 2000s. I kept mine on me at all times.
They also didn’t tell us about a post menopausal libido surge. ( I had early menopause due to cancer and surgery.) I legitimately worried I had a brain tumor at first!
After taking a lot of anatomy classes I learned how pregnancy and childbirth can (and usually does) destroy your body. That sorta sealed the deal for me on not experiencing that myself.
And I agree, it needs to become well-known information. But I suspect it won’t, as it would drop the birth rate, and people in power want more babies born.
are we not taught about it, or do we kind of just bury our heads in the sand about it? i feel like most women want to have biological kids so it’s easier to kind of just ignore all of that information
I think women haven’t ever felt comfortable talking about the negative impacts of motherhood. They always say “being a mother is the best thing I ever did” but gloss over the immense sacrifices it takes to be a mother. I think there is some generational shame to talk about those things.
You’re getting a lot of snark but I get what you mean. I’m not sure people who didn’t have kids get it because it’s one thing to be aware that your body is going to change but it’s another thing to come to terms with living with that, potentially for the rest of your life. And maybe everyone else was taught about the different kinds of prolapse that can happen but I absolutely wasn’t until suddenly part of my body that should be on the inside is hanging out. I wish commenters would be a little more sympathetic because it’s truly a moment of body horror that shakes your whole self image. My body isn’t destroyed, and I don’t like the framing of that in some of the comments because it comes across as both ableist and misogynistic, but it is different and disabled in some ways. Probably a lot of people don’t talk about it because of the attitude in these comments, of “you signed up for this, you should have known!”
I mean, you couldn’t escape this messaging when i was younger. Everyone was very open that it complete alters you on every level.
Ok, they didn’t mention shitting yourself during labour but everything else was right out there.
It’s was a combination of sex Ed, my mother’s experience, and growing up with the internet readily available.
We had to watch a birthing video in 9th grade health class of a real birth.
I was the fourth of 4 kids. My mom had a lot of complications with my brother and then had severe complications when she was pregnant with me. She almost miscarried me 3 times and was on bed rest from the fourth month on. Then she had to have a hysterectomy when I was 10 years old.
And then the internet gave me unfettered access to health information and filled in any gaps I had. I’m still learning about pregnancy, birth, and the female body at 37.
I am also childfree partly because I have all of that knowledge.
I thought it was pretty evident, and I only received like the bare minimum of “sex ed” (which consisted entirely of putting questions into a box).
Maybe I just watched lots of National Geographic as a kid, but like… Logically, it’s not possible to have something of that size develop inside of you for 9 months and have zero effects. Whether it’s body physical changes or simply just the mom getting less nutrients, there’s an effect on the individual bearing the child. Also, I want to point out that 3 kids is a lot, so saying “only had 3 pregnancies” makes me feel like your expectations are not aligned with reality.
1 They don’t want to acknowledge a problem – then they’d have to answer to why they don’t do more to avoid these problems.
2 They don’t care. We’re just women. They don’t research illnesses that mainly or only affect women, they don’t care about pregnant women only getting the child alive out of her, they don’t include women in health studies, and so on. We and our health is unimportant because only men matter.
3 They don’t want to scare women away from having kids.
With all due respect, I was told a lot of this. This is one of 7,589 reasons why I chose to be childfree. Pregnancy can increase the chances of cancer, cause dental issues, etc. and I already have a complicated family history, so I need no more negativity, lol.
In all fairness, so can a lot of other things. My pelvic floor is destroyed from suffering severe allergies my entire life. I have stretch marks from weight gain and loss. I’ve taken meds that destroyed my sex drive. I’d describe my mental health issues, but we’d be here all day… and I’m not even going to go into what has gone on with my fucking uterus lol
We need to let go of the idea that our worth is defined by how attractive our bodies are to men. It’s important to try and be as healthy as you can, but having ups and downs with your health is a regular part of life. So is adapting to your body as it changes with age and life circumstances.
A complicating factor is that everyone’s experience is different. Some people don’t experience a significant change following pregnancy and delivery. Others do have profound challenges, both physically and mentally. Talking about it helps normalize it and we need to keep doing it.
I’ve been through pregnancy twice and now I’m in my late thirties. I have friends who are starting perimenopause. That’s a whole second world I knew next to nothing about. There’s so much they didn’t teach us in health class. And my mom had a hysterectomy due to endo so she’s not entirely sure when she went through it herself. I’m listening as much as I can to people I know and folks over on the perimenopause and menopause subreddits.
Others have correctly pointed out that this stuff gets withheld from women to encourage them to have kids. I feel fortunate to have figured it out before I was sexually active because I took university classes in osteology as a teenager and saw firsthand what giving birth does to your bones. That’s about when I decided that biological kids were NOT for me.
Anyways, I think that we as women need to adopt a policy of bluntness and transparency with younger girls when it comes to birth and reproductive health. If they want to know the reality, give it to them straight. No more “birth is magical!” bullshit.
And not only that, but nobody is telling women that pregnancy runs a very high risk of triggering autoimmune diseases or aggravating existing ones. There is a very good reason why more women are suffering from autoimmune diseases than men. Especially reumathoide arthritis, SLE (lupus), multiple sclerosis (MS) autoimmune hepatitis and thyroid diseases like Hashimoto and Graves.
The reason is that during pregnancy the autoimmune system is repressed so that the fetus is not expelled (technically it is a foreign parasite) and ideally the immune system starts up after birth. But sometimes something goes wrong and it kicks into overdrive. Hence the start of autoimmune malfunction.
In other cases, high blood pressure or diabetes developed during pregnancy doesn’t end after birth, which obviously can cause a whole new slew set of problems.
In my case: I developed Hashimoto, sarcoidoses and arthritis. Plus my bloodpressure – always exemplary before pregnancy, never went back to normal.
Fellow prolapse homie, and yes I can relate on how distressing it is and how much it changes how you feel about your body. Pelvic floor physiotherapy can help with the look as well as problematic symptoms (when the muscles get stronger they kinda lift everything back into place). I’m having surgery for mine in October because I have 3 types of prolapse but I have an underlying condition too (Ehlers Danlos).
Honestly, childbearing changed my health in so many ways I wasn’t prepared for. I don’t think that people would believe anyone telling them how fucking real it can be, because it sounds like a nightmare. 😅 And biological imperative is strong. But I hear you and I see you. There’s a sub I will send you in a DM if you’d like that is for this kind of feeling around motherhood but I’m not allowed to link it publicly, I think you’d feel really seen there.
Because we’re instead told only optimistic ways pregnancy might go and subtly blamed and scolded if we allow or admit it went any other way. If it doesn’t happen to everyone, then it’s your fault it happened to you- is the general vibe
You had plenty of access to information about it, but I get your point.
Did you know that women can lose their teeth? Seriously, pregnancy can be a horror show.
I mean, you also have a responsibility to educate yourself, especially before making a decision that will not only permanently impact your life, but others. These days, anything you could possibly want to know about pregnancy, childbirth, and post-partum is available at your fingertips.
Knowing what you know now, would you have done anything different during the pregnancy and labour? For example, opted for C-section? etc.
Here’s the thing. If people had told you, would you have decided not to have kids?
This is an example of women being in a lose/lose situation. If we hear pregnancy horror stories and decide not to take the risk, we get told that we are selfish worrywarts. If we hear horror stories and decide to be optimistic and then get pregnant, then we complain that no one warned us when we suffer from health effects.
I wasn’t taught about the dangers of pregnancy when I was in school either. And despite my mother almost dying after having me, she didn’t fill my head with warnings. But I’ve still heard horror stories from the media. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, I’m guessing you have too. But like most people, you tuned it out because you really wanted to have kids.
I know this post comes across as judgy as hell and I apologize for the tone. It’s just I’m a bit tired of people saying “But nobody warned me!” when what they mean is “The warnings I heard were not as loud or as convincing as the positive messages I have heard.” I totally believe the romanticization of pregnancy is much more in our faces than the downsides of it. But I don’t believe it is possible to live in this day and age of constant information to never hear about pregnancy nightmare scenarios.
We learned about a lot of this in sex ed in my blue state high school, circa 1992.
If we don’t support comprehensive sexual education for all kids in all schools, expect surprises!
The patriarchal society doesn’t want us to know because we will make our own choices and change for the greater good of ourselves, not just existing to be seen as breeders and nothing more.
The same applies to perimenopause and menopause. It’s not just that our period stops but it also brings numerous effects such as high cholesterol due to estrogen loss, hot flashes, insomnia, brain fog, lack of focus, depression, frozen shoulder, clitoral atrophy, and more.
I just learned that they will fund research on men’s erectile dysfunction than for developing better treatments for perimenopause and menopause.
Because women’s health care has not been, and is not hardly still, a priority for anyone. There is a wide and varied range of “afters” for postpartum women, and the knowledge of it is more anecdotal than actual scientific knowledge.
I didnt know the term diastasis recti until after my 3rd kid (its the split that happens in your ab muscles during pregnancy and sometimes doesnt close back up after birth). Same for prolapse (when an organ literally caves in and sometimes try to fall out of your body) and plenty of other things. OBs didnt mention it or ask about it or tell me what to watch for. Its why women think peeing themselves when they cough or laugh or jump is just how life is going to be. Fun fact, it absolutely is possible to retrain your pelvic floor and core muscles after having a baby (except in extreme cases and things like a prolapse).
As a mom who is a little further along than you (I have 4 kids, all vaginal deliveries, youngest is 3.5) – you will figure out a new balance and a way to be happy with your body. I highly HIGHLY recommend postpartum physical therapy to get a real assessment on Core and pelvic floor health. I don’t pee when I jump, and I’m probably stronger than I ever have been in my life (not thinner, but strong and stable). I could still stand to lose a few pounds but focusing on strength over size has really helped me accept and even enjoy my body.
The pro-natalists and anti-abortion folks lose their mind. How dare you give women information that turn them off to wanting to give birth!
It does do permanent changes to a woman’s body. It even changes her skeleton enough that scientists can tell if the female had a child or not.
I apologize in advance, I really don’t want to come off as rude but I’m genuinely confused how you didn’t know this? No one told me but I thought it was just assumed if you push an 8 pound human being out of your vagina, things are going to change. Was there no research done on the long term effects of pregnancy before getting pregnant? Unfortunately I hear this a lot and it confuses me every single time. I’m personally child free so maybe that’s why I have a hard time wrapping my brain around it? But, I really do apologize this was your experience and I feel for you that you weren’t informed ahead of time. I hope you can find some grace for yourself and acceptance. You created life, 3 times! You are a freaking goddess regardless of the changes to your body.
To answer the question: if it was “common knowledge” there’d be a lot more women not having kids and that’s a “problem”. It’s all about control at the end of the day.
Truly if we did, it might influence you to not and we don’t want as a society an informed decision on children.
Notice that when you even ask parents, they don’t even tell you anything. “it’s hard but so rewarding” and similar other platitudes.
There’s a woman on tiktok that has a lost of reasons to not have kids but her lists consistently shows possibilities of what it does to your body permanently.
Because women would end up like me, who was educated about this early in life and frequently.
I never had kids.
I will never, ever forget sitting in a doctors office at around 20 years old and overhearing a conversation between a new mother and her doctor. She was asking some questions about post partum issues and it was a totally normal conversation but it was absolutely horrifying for me. Pain everywhere, discharge, heavy bleeding, stitches down there, pain while going to the washroom.
I already knew that I didn’t want children but that conversation made my ovaries shrivel up and my uterus close up shop, lol.
Plenty of women do talk about it. It’s not taught because society values children over a woman’s bodily autonomy, and they don’t want to discourage you from breeding.
I learned that babies are delivered through the vagina at a very young. Like I think preschool age and that’s when I decided I never wanted kids. The older I got, the more reasons not have them piled on. You couldn’t pay me to have a child, let alone more than one.
You’ve had a lot of good input already, but I just wanted to adk what the age gaps between your kids are? People talk about “bouncing back” and “everything being normal” after one year, but I personally feel like only now at 3 years old (one kid) is my body something like normal. Maybe because I finally sleep regularly and can exercise.
We now have social media where we can openly talk to each other, teach a each other, and connect with other people who don’t have kids and end up okay. Before we just had family who wanted us to grow the family and a lot of unpleasant realities were NOT shared. Also, things were not shared because sensitive, personal things weren’t talked about like that. Social media has made people open up….almost too much.
Now that people are more informed that pregnancy, childbirth, and parenthood can come with a lot of terrible complications and isn’t all happy and shiny a lot of people are okay with noping out.
No one told me. I had a large baby at 19, and it destroyed my body. And no doctors took me seriously, I was dismissed at every turn about my SEVERE back pain and nerve damage from the epidural. My diastis recti was six inches wide. I was not informed that not only was there surgical intervention for this, but I would have qualified for it through state insurance.
I never would have had kids if I had known that I would be in pain the rest of my life because of it.
This is why I believe in the importance of inter generational friends and coworkers. When I started out at my job I was the youngest, and my older coworkers—30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s were mostly women who on our lunches would talk about everything! Life, death, birth, divorce, childbirth, child raising, menopause…it was a very open and supportive environment. I learned so much that I may not have talked about with my mom because of her purity culture mindset. I learned I never wanted kids, how to deal with probate court and lawyers after the death of a parent, how to protect my heart after abuse, the list goes on. Now that I’m older, I try to be that person for my younger colleagues!
I was told this by everyone around me who ever had a child. Lol
If they taught us all the downsides of becoming a mother no one would have kids to feed the capitalist machine.
I feel almost the opposite. I heard all this info from my mom my whole life. I have always wanted kids but I was terrified of what would happen to me during pregnancy and postpartum. She made it sound like those things ruined her somehow, and I expected the same for myself.
The only thing that changed after my first kid is I suddenly have wavy hair, and also my c-section scar. I am a different person, too, but I probably would have gotten here eventually, through any combo of intense experiences.
It’s really not as bad as I was told it would be.
Preach. I’m getting mine back with surgeries though. All the surgeries.
There’s some serious misinformation around childbirth. Particularly around the fact that vulvas and vaginas will ‘be exactly the same as before!’. Then once someone has given birth and asks why their vagina is different they get told ‘oh that’s normal!’ Yet they weren’t told this beforehand when they asked because no one wanted to scare them. It’s bullshit alright.
Because, if we were fully aware of all the consequences, many of us would choose not to go through pregnancy or childbirth.
If we know,there will be no kid. The government will not like it 😅
Sorry love. I was absolutely taught as a don’t have kids scary talk in school. I was told my teeth would fall out. That the pregnant tummy would never disappear. Other stuff. It scared me for sure!
My mom constantly reminded me how I “ruined” her body. She didn’t get into specifics but I got the message,lol. I also saw a good friend shortly after she gave birth in our early 20s and she was quite vocal about all of her issues. It was traumatizing for us all. That said, I agree with you that more of the specifics of the long term complications and changes that come physically and mentally with carrying and birthing children should be shared more freely.
I think it’s partly about survival of the species. Similar to how we forget a bit the pain of giving birth. Nature does that so that our species continues. But I agree as a mum, I surely didn’t expect quite the broad impact that it would have on my life. And how it would affect every aspect of my self. Like you say, body, mind, relationships, mental health, physical health. The more conversations we have, the better I think. Not necessarily to scare people but so that people know they should expect changes across the board and they’re not alone if they’re feeling that
The truth is that yes, pregnancy and childbirth forever changes your body. It can trigger things like autoimmune disorders, change your body, and give you prolapse and other permanent issues to deal with.
But did you know that NOT having kids comes with its own set of odd biological challenges and health risks? That women who never have kids are at increased risk of breast and endometrial cancer that some of these hormonal changes from pregnancy and breastfeeding are protective of? Not having kids is also associated with going through menopause earlier for some patients which comes with a whole range of metabolic declines and hormonal issues that affect mental health.
Hormonal fluctuations from the menstrual cycle, aging, perimenopause, and the transition to menopause is difficult on women regardless of childbearing decisions. Our hormonal systems are so complicated and nuanced and women’s health is very understudied in general.
From your post history, you are 25, and you have 3 kids. Had you hung around women who had given birth, you would have heard the stories. At the minimum, you would have heard stories about the pain of childbirth, and seen women wearing massive pads, and sitting on frozen cushions. My guess is because you had kids young, and when we are young we are selective with what we hear, and we think we are invincible, you missed noticing all of that.
Also, I assume you don’t have older relatives. Prolapse is very common in women. If you hang around older women they share these stories.
This and we should be taught not all women biologically can have a pregnancy to full term. The abelism against women who miscarry and the idea of “just try again” is insane to me.
We’re more than just a walking womb.
I honestly feel the opposite. Every woman in my life talked nonstop about the weight, stretch marks, balding, scarring, sagging, stitches, prolapse, incontinence, etc to the point where after I had my baby I was pleasantly surprised that I only experienced a few of those things and not all of them lol
I searched all of the things that could go wrong on Google and pointedly asked pregnant friends or mothers. So many of my friends have had traumatic pregnancies or births. I have been aware of all of the things that can go wrong because I was anxious and curious. It always surprises me when people say they have no clue. The death rate of women just 100 years ago with child birth was so high. It is literally a very dangerous medical thing a woman can go through that puts her life at much higher risk. Different animals have different types of births and animals have it worse than us, like Hyenas. There is so much information out there. I come from a perspective where I struggle to understand people who go into pregnancy with awareness of what could go wrong. Has the term emergency c-section never come up or been mentioned? Or older women complaining or stretch marks, dark spots, and scars from their child births? I guess I was lucky with a mother who was a teacher and a paramedic but I feel like I hear this information from so many places.
I had a man argue with me abortion was wrong because “its just 9 months then everything goes back to normal” if you give the baby up for adoption
We REALLY need to teach it. Urgently
I think because if women knew the truth, with today’s access to contraception, the human race would become extinct pretty quick
I know because I work in the health field and interact with a lot of pregnant people, people going through t perimenopause, menopause and I have a shit ton of health issues myself.
I’m probably going to stay child-free.
My mom had 3 children vaginally. She had chronic UTIs and yeast infections for years. She had a post menopausal prolapse and that scared the crap out of me. I’ve always been a super curious person. Prior to my health acting up, I wanted to have several biological children- pregnancy, birth, and all that. Over the years I started learning more about the whole process. It was an eye opener. I’m still open to children, but I don’t want to carry them. As a lesbian, if my future wife wants them and wants to carry, I won’t object. HOWEVER, I will insist on various safeguards and preventative measures to protect her body and mind from beginning to end (if possible).
I’m a sex and reproductive educator. The lack of knowledge surrounding ANYTHING to do with sex, conception, pregnancy, and the human body is staggering to me. We as a society don’t talk about ANY of it. And it’s absolutely ridiculous that my kids have to learn how to multiply fractions by hand or the parts of a cell (neither of which I’ve ever used outside of an academic setting), but nobody is required to teach them appropriate sex education. And don’t even get me started on what nonsense the schools end up teaching when they do bother to try.
May I ask change in what way? I’ve only heard that your body can/will change but no one ever says what the change actually is.
Because, if women were well-informed about the permanent implications of pregnancy, not to mention the harsh reality of being a fulltime caregiver regardless of outside employment, very few women would ever consent to continue a pregnancy and the human race would cease to exist within just a few generations. We are all here only because the women who came before us had no choice.
Give yourself some grace. ONE child will change all of those things for us. You did it three times! Created, houses, nurtured, then birthed three humans. It’s a wild concept, if you think about it.
Past generations were going on what they’d learned, and passed it down to us. Having children was a right of passage that “everyone” did. One of the first questions little girls were asked: How many kids do you want to have when you grow up?-Who remembers being asked that by random people as a child 🙋🏾♀️? We’re given baby dolls and forced to play “mom”, and it’s presented as if it’ll be our greatest achievement in life.
Just know, you are more than your children. You are more than your body. Your identity matters. Pour into yourself so that you can pour back into the little body snatchers! I get so excited when I see women who have taken back their lives and aren’t shy to get a little nip here, a little tuck there, a personal trainer, or even an around the clock therapist.
Yep and just when you have it figured out, perimenopause and menopause are even worse in terms of no one teaching you about it.
Where did you grow up? I’m assuming you’re in your 30s or early 40s and I’m sorry you chose to get pregnant 3 times without ever once having encountered the idea that there were risks to pregnancy. That kind of blows my mind, also no offense but I also like to do some reading up on things I’m considering embarking on so even though I’m not pregnant yet, and yes I have always been somewhat aware of the risks, now that I’m considering embarking on this I’ve really learned a lot more about it and what can go wrong. It’s a bit hard for me to imagine doing something so major with zero clue of what it involves.