My husband 33M and I 32f have been together for ten years. He has a anger problem that I’ve dealt with ufor all these years. We’ve been threw a lot, he’s gotten better with his anger but he still has his moments where he loses it and starts yelling and belittling/name calling me. I’ve told home more times then I can count that that’s not ok with me and it’s crossing a boundary when he does. I have been trying my hardest to keep the relationship because we have kids together and I have kids from previous marriage. He yells at me and the kids more then I think is a healthy amount to be around, not just yelling but the tone he talks to us in half the time is somewhat hateful /annoyed. He says he loves me more then anything but from his actions all of these years I’m starting to feel like I’m wasting my life with someone I’m never going to get the same kind of love in return. He never does anything, ge just comes home from work and stays in our room and is glued to his phone or coding on the computer. We never go out as a family or just me and him on a date. I can’t get him to go with me and the kids to the park or just to get ice cream even. When I bring things like that up and point out that he’s not ever apart of anything or contributing to anything he gets offended and it turns into a fight that never gets settled. I just don’t know what else I can do to make him see things in a better light and see all of the things he does that hurts me and our girls. It’s like he doesn’t care about any of us more then himself. I’m running out of hope to change things and I’m quite honestly starting to lose all feelings for him completely.
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This is a hard thing for you to hear, but he doesn’t care about you or the kids. And staying together for the kids is not a good enough reason when he’s verbally abusive and emotionally/physically unenengaed. All you’re showing the kids is being yelled/abused is ‘normal’. Get you and the kids out of this dead, broken relationship.
Nothing will change, it will only get worse. There is no okey amount of yelling, belittling or name calling in a good relationship. It’s also not a good environment for children to grow up in, they will have a lot of healing to do in the future. And they might choose abusive partners when older, because that’s what they see every day.
I know reddit is all about divorce, but is this really the life for you and your children?
You aren’t setting any kind of boundary, because your husband experiences no kind of consequence any time he takes his anger out on you or your kids. Why would he change his behavior if there are no consequences?
Moreso, you’ve been with this man for 10 years. He hasn’t changed in those 10 years you’ve been together. He is abusive- screaming at you and your children and making all of you feel like you are constantly annoying him is abuse. You can’t change him. If he wanted to change, he would. He is perfectly content treating you and your children like dirt.
Is this the kind of father you want your children to grow up with? You and your kids must always feel like you’re walking on eggshells to avoid his next explosion. Your kids don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve this.
You are is house keeper, nanny and care giver.
If he really cared for you as a person, and not based on what you do for him, he would treat you well.
You don’t see him the same any more because you are finally seeing the truth. He is a crappy husband, father and life partner.
You are subjecting your kids to a hostile and abusive household.
With all love – get it together and get your kids, and yourself, out of there. Do you want them to be like him? Do you want them to treat others or have themselves treated this way?
You want to satay with a man who verbally abused you and your kids. Let that sink in for a moment.
Give yourself peace and a better life leave him put yourself and your kids first.
It will only get worse. And on top of that, you’re showing your children that this is what love looks like and that it is completely acceptable to be treated like this. Time to find your self-respect.. If you won’t leave for yourself, yoi gotta do it for them.
You’re losing feelings because you want and expect a partner. But he’s acting like a spoiled, angry teenager. And that means more work for you (let me guess – you take care of all the daily tasks of cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare; he mows the lawn once a week) Hard to be attracted under the circumstances. You need a partner, not another child.
You’ve told him the anger is a firm boundary yet he continues to cross it. Pretty evident he will not change and doesn’t care to manage his outbursts.
So – what’s in it for you? Not much, it seems. Maybe financial support? What’s in it for the girls? I’m sure you want them to have 2 parents at home, but if dad is only angry or distant, it can do a lot of harm. This is their blueprint for their own future relationships. They’re learning men are dismissive jerks and women should take it. They wonder what they have done to make daddy so mad. They wonder why he doesn’t want to spend time with them. They wonder why mom goes along with all of it. It’s a terrible lesson for a kid.
I hope you are in a position to leave. I hope you have your own personal bank account with some emergency money, and supportive family or friends who can help. Start making a plan, saving, and contact a lawyer. Since he will not change, focus on what’s best for you and your daughters now. Stay safe.
You married a boy who hasn’t emotionally matured into a man. He is selfish in desires, and doesn’t consider others because he is too emotionally wrapped up into his own needs. He probably feels regret for being in this relationship because it’s not all about him anymore and he doesn’t have the emotional maturity to tell you how he’s feeling or even be aware of what he is doing because he is constantly driven by the selfishness of his inner child. That is why he is avoidant. He needs therapy.
You need to accept that you are not compatible.
You’re correct his anger, his belittling tone, lack of engagement, poor communication skills, non existent parental support or of the household, and his selfish ways are detrimental for you and the kids.
His anger problem is not yours to fix. It’s his. It always has been and always will be.
He doesn’t love you. He loves that he has a mommy to take of everything and everyone. Once you’ve become a mommy the you’ve lost all respect and desire.
Please get some therapy for yourself and your kids at the very least.
So, if you were to throw him out tomorrow, you’d have a quieter house and no other significant change in your day to day life?