Why can’t I just be happy?

My husband (M47) and I (F38) have been together for 16 years.

We’re currently in the process of having our youngest diagnosed with autism and ADHD. It’s been a very long process with several layers, and it’s still going on.

Through this process, it’s become clearer and clearer that our son came by the autism honestly. My husband isn’t officially diagnosed, and has honestly been masking incredibly but so many little things are starting to make sense and I have no idea how to feel about them.

Some things are little and can be worked around, or they’re even endearing. Things like how everything has to be just so before he’s able to eat. How he has difficulty understanding people’s jokes. How he goes all in on anything that interests him and can’t stop talking about it. How he seems physically unable to have mess.

But also big things that have created issues in our relationship, though not really until after we had kids and leaving became more complicated. Some things I thought would get better with time. Some things where I thought love would be enough.

Like his inability to understand why I care about certain things like gifts and anniversaries.

His noise sensitivity that meant that he left me to do all child care when our children were infants because he couldn’t handle them screaming.

His inability to read my body language, to understand how I need to be turned on for us to have sex. He has never ever contributed anything new to our sexual life. He just sort of shows up, and follows directions if I tell him anything I want. Completely passionless, like he’s following a manual and trying to assemble an ikea furniture. I just stopped that because I don’t want anything less than enthusiasm.

He also doesn’t kiss me with an open mouth. He doesn’t go down on me, and as soon as he finishes during sex, he’s going to wash. He doesn’t kiss after. He doesn’t want to cuddle. Doesn’t want to talk. He just leaves and then goes to sleep when he returns.

All things that he promised me he’d change. And I really do believe he had that intention, but he hasn’t, I realise, not because he won’t, but because he can’t.

He’ll make excuses and say he forgot, and promise to do better, which he can keep up for a few months before going back to the same patterns. At first I thought it was because he was lazy, but now I realise he’s forcing himself in ways I never wanted him to.

I love him.

I know he loves me.

But I’m feeling more and more lonely in this marriage. I need more than small pecks as kisses. I LOVE kissing. I need tongue! I need teeth! I need to be seduced. I need someone who shows me that they want and love me with the same kind of passion I bring to the table.

The idea of staying like this for the rest of my life is killing me. I can feel my heart shrinking. Every peck I want to be more, makes me more depressed.

However, the idea of being without him is also killing me. I can’t imagine not being “us” anymore. He’s my best friend, and I really do love him.

He would not take a divorce well. He wouldn’t want to be friends after. He would probably communicate about the kids, but I also fear that he would make it an ugly divorce. Especially if I found someone else.

Adding to that, I’m a disabled SAHM. I’m financially dependent on him. We bought a house last year that our kids are thriving in. There’s no way I can stay here alone.

My husband has admitted that he probably has autism, but he doesn’t want to get diagnosed. We had a talk recently where he admitted that our intimacy issues stem from him being uncomfortable, but he thinks it’s fine because “it’s just sex”

I never want him to do anything he’s uncomfortable with, but I am not having my needs met at all. A part of me also feels bad because I’m having all these thoughts and feelings about things he can’t control.

I just want to be happy and satisfied with him. Does anyone have any advice on what to do?

Tl;dr: My husband probably has autism and can’t meet my emotional needs. Is my only option divorce or is there anything that can save our marriage?