I work in an office setting, and I am the only woman in my wing.
Half of the men in my wing are married, and when they discuss their wives amongst each other (for everyone to hear) they don’t seem to say anything nice about them at all. They constantly whine and moan about their wives, as if they don’t even like them? Why get married to someone and have children with someone you can’t say one nice thing about?
One of the guys constantly talks about how his wife is the breadwinner, she makes the money, she has the better health insurance through her job. He cannot say ANYTHING else positive about his wife.
Another guy talks shit about how his wife doesn’t contribute anything to their household, she doesn’t pay the mortgage or bills. He jokes constantly about how he’d be sitting much better if he never got married.
I’ve been with my current partner over three years now (not married), and I know that’s not necessarily a super long time. I don’t feel any need to talk shit about them to people I work with, I don’t feel any need to really talk about them at all. I may mention them in passing, like when someone asks what I did over the weekend and I respond saying “my partner and I went here and did this”. There really isn’t need for anything more than that in a work setting.
I can understand people changing and becoming incompatible with someone over time. I could not imagine staying with someone I’ve grown to despise, and I wouldn’t see any need to air my relationship’s dirty laundry to coworkers CONSTANTLY. I can understand confiding in a close friend when facing relationship struggles, but all of your coworkers all of the time?
Why are they like this?
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Because are still juvenile a—holes who are more concerned about their rank in the herd of bros that the ones they promised to love and protect. It’s honestly why the number of my neuro typical cis het male friends is pretty small.
It’s not just men talking about wives; it’s become a common practice to bond through miserable experiences. These types of people are so miserable themselves, they literally can’t help it. So bonding over gripes is a way to at least feel social. We tall so much about the male loneliness epidemic and here’s the perfect example why – when given the opportunity to bond or have a discussion over literally anything – philosophy, art, sports, etc – they choose misery.
I don’t have any recommendations for you (I know you weren’t asking, either) other than to stay far away from these people. They will suck the life from you and pull you into their negativity.
And fuck me for saying this, but it really isn’t all men. I work with so many that brag about their wives, and wives about their husbands. It starts with one person being pleasant and that type of thing spreads just like the megative.
the more I hear about straight relationships, the more I wonder why any woman voluntarily enters a relationship with a man
Uh, yeah, I’ve heard this a lot in male dominated spaces. They just whine whine whine.
Because men think they’re superior to GET women, but not if they WANT them.
I work in a very male dominated field. My previous job, all the guys except two would do the same thing, just constantly talk smack about their wives. The two that didn’t only said wonderful things about their wives.
My current job (also only male coworkers), everyone praises their partners. It’s such a stark contrast from before, but it’s refreshing.
I can’t stop saying good things about my wife. She’s strong in all the ways I am not and I am incredibly grateful everyday for her intelligence, wit, wisdom, and patience. I’d be a vastly lesser person without her. As for other men, they’re usually nitwit chumps who lack the critical thinking skills necessary to exit a paper bag. Also, I don’t get why most men seem to think that measure stops once you’ve achieved a goal (any goal, from career to marriage to family) Untrue bros, measure is unceasing and you should always be trying to be better than you were yesterday.
Because patriarchy wants us to believe men make this huge sacrifice to get married, but in reality they benefit BIG TIME at their spouse’s expense. Men steal so much of women’s lives. And most of them seem more worried about what other men think of them than their spouse who they presumably want to fuck them more.
It’s a weird combination of things – men don’t talk to their spouses, men don’t share emotions properly, and men engage is unsavory behavior to maintain social status
If you don’t like your wife, why are you married? Did you talk to her about your issues, or do you just puff your chest and pretend to be King Dick at work while you complain about the ol’ ball and chain?
It’s frustrating, it’s stupid, and it’s a situation *entirely of their own creation “!
My abusive ex husband was like this, easily influenced by other men.
When he was regularly attending a church and around other men who were kinder to their wives, he was nice and would imitate their attitudes and behavior, even at home.
After we left the church and changed jobs, he would come home and talk about how awful other men talked about their partners. Slowly overtime he adapted their mannerisms and then started treating me poorly. Now able to join in with the cool kids.
I dont think it’s an abusive partner issue either. Ive seen it with other men too. I get that we all get frustrated with our partners, but when a man doesnt have boundaries or are desperate to belong, they seem to have no problem quickly throwing their wife under the bus to fit in with the other boys.
As someone who has worked mostly in women dominated fields, I’d say that it’s pretty common for people of all genders to talk shit about their partners. When I first got engaged, my coworkers were mostly women and they said something like, “prepare for him to turn useless” while I was eating my lunch that had been prepared by him.
I think we just tend to be conditioned to relate to people by sharing our struggles, and not by sharing the positives in general.
My husband and I have built a beautiful life together, and there are times when we each pulled different amounts of weight in the partnership. But I definitely felt shut down when I’d talk about things like that particular day, I was working more than one job and he was keeping it together at home and doing most of the cooking, while working only part time. I think people didn’t want to hear how his easier work schedule was allowing me to focus on work at the time. Men also don’t want to acknowledge that a stay at home partner (or any partner easing the life burden) is helping them build their career. I could have complained that he was working less, but because he was working less, it was allowing me to build my career.
The hardest times in our marriage were when we were both working full time outside of the home. Things got much easier when his job switched to work from home.
Might be a cultural thing at your office?
I think sometimes a particular environment can perpetuate a particular conversation topic and framing. We do see it happen with women too.
(My office is about 90% men. There are lots of issues, but for the most part the married ones are lovely about their wives.)
Misery enjoys company, I guess. These men aren’t mentally mature and/or they’re cowards, so it’s easy for them to shit-talk their partners to other people… as if it’ll fix anything.
Unless there’s a dire situation where I need to get out, I won’t speak poorly of my spouse amongst friends, family, etc.
I work with mostly women and they also spend most of their time bitching about their partners. I have never had a bad word to say about my husband and if I did, work is the last place I’d say it. I think peer pressure is a huge factor though.
I work with all men and every time a man goes into the old ball and chain routine I just say “Sounds like you don’t even like your wife” lol. I have seen a positive trend though, the older men like 60+ years old all hate their wives but all my younger coworkers only talk positively about their wives. The kids are ok.
I think it must be because so many people marry someone because they think it’s the best they’ll get, or the only chance they’ll get. It’s possible they haven’t done enough reflection to realize this. We can’t really quantify this, but I imagine it is a contributor to half of marriages ending in divorce. I don’t think anyone likes this kind of talk about them behind their backs, whether it be complaining about “the ol’ ball and chain” or gossiping about what the sex is like, yet I hear about a rather worrisome amount of people doing such.
I can’t speak for other men, but I can say that I wouldn’t get married to someone I couldn’t gush about, and so gushing is what I would do.
Maybe one day you should be like “You know, you sound so unhappy being married to her. Why not love yourself and get divorced?”. I’ll bet the talk simmers down.
I’m not sure this is strictly a men thing, some of the women at my work are the same with their husbands, literally not a single nice thing to say about them but if I dare ask “why are you still with him?” I’m either brushed off or seen as an asshole for questioning why a working woman with her own place, no financial dependence on a man and no children would maintain a relationship she claims to hate. From what I can grasp their situations haven’t actually turned to the abusive but are nonetheless obviously DEEPLY toxic.
Hererofatalism/heteropessimism and amatonormativity are at play here.
Myself and my parter often say nice things about eachother to others (not too much, no one likes seeming braggy) but we, as I foolishly assumed should be the case for most relationships, like eachother.
We’re just accessories
My dad was recently in a nursing home after surgery. He kept telling everyone about my mom and how she overcame her own knee surgery issues. He kept telling people how much he loved that she came every day and had lunch with him. He cannot stop singing her praises. I think it’s the difference between really choosing to love someone even after almost 54 years. Do they have their bad days with each other? YEP! But, he has never lost sight of how much he loves her.
I’m betting the worker bees all kvetch about the queen too.
Because a lot of men settle for the first woman who tolerates their bullshit. They’re just going through life, ticking some made up checklist about “How to be successful male”. Go to school, get laid, get a job, get a girlfriend, get a wife, have kids, have a mistress, etc. etc.
To them, being single and alone is scary. So they’d rather just get hitch to someone regardless of whether they love them or not.
And yes when they realise that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows and relationships and family life is work, they blame the woman for “trapping” them. Instead of the patriarchy that shames them for being single.
Sometimes men doing that are being sarcastic or are engaging in a social game of one-upmanship, where they’re not being serious, but it’s my experience that it’s a minority. But I have also seen some men marry because they feel obligated to marry or because they want to be married, and the girlfriend is who’s available.
Plus it’s my experience that most men who have nice things to say about their wives don’t participate in the complaint train but don’t counter it, either. That makes non-complainers invisible.
It’s a mess.
If I ever got asked about a partner and I didn’t brag, either about them or a fun thing we had recently done, I would be seriously worried. These men are so entitled and gross. Talking about my partner and our life together is my favorite thing to do.
I never really hear anyone talk shit about their spouse, but maybe I haven’t been paying attention. I have heard people tell me their stories that make me go “Oh hell no honey”. I think miss “six under six” is the one that made me wince the hardest. That sounds like hell.
In contrast, I love to rant about my wife and talk her up like she’s the fucking queen or something. It may have something to do with the fact that I’m a gay woman…
This is partly one of the reasons I never married. I don’t trust anyone to not turn on me and turn into this shit. I hear this kind of thing and ask myself, why are even married then? Just leave.
But then there would be no one to cook and clean and do their laundry and they’d have to actually take care of their own kids (when they have them).
So they choose to stay miserable and complain. As of that makes them any more appealing to their wives.
It never occurs to them that they will get out of life whatever they put into life. Hashtag not all men
I don’t know. I know for a fact my husband says positive things about me and doesn’t shit talk me to others. He also says nice things to me, and doesn’t shit talk me to me because he’s not a different person with others than he is with me. You know, because he loves and respects me – and loves and respects himself enough as well that he would not stay with someone he didn’t actually like. Neither of us hold those who shit talk their partners in high regard. It says far more about the shit talker than their partner.
While not exclusive to men, and it’s definitely not every man, it’s my view lots of men are emotionally immature and lack accountability and like to blame others for the consequences of stumbling through life like that, like their wives. It’s also a form of self-validation – they are miserable and complaining and hearing others complain validates their inaction as “everyone” experiences the same thing – they can stay and be miserable without the effort of you know, actually talking responsibility for themselves and improving their lives – be it therapy, improved communication, divorce, etc.
To go back to the not exclusive to men part, I have worked in many women-centric workplaces where I have seen women regularly shit talk their husbands, too. My opinion above applies there, too. Don’t stay with or marry people you don’t like, and no matter what you say, if you are shit talking them you don’t like them, respect them, or love them as people. Which in itself is not a wrong it just is what it is, but like seriously, don’t stay with them then! Let both of you be free.
I mean I did have this issue with my one bestie. She is very private about her relationship with her boyfriend but would use me as a means to just vent. I never heard any of the good things about him and only just the stuff she was venting about.
I ended up hating him at first because of the only negative things I heard. She was so confused why I hated him until we realized that she only tells me the negative things.
I think people at work sometimes use coworkers to vent private issues to. I’ve seen men and women vent about their lovers at work and I’m uncomfortable every time.
My husband shuts that down fast by asking how the divorce is going, because if you don’t like your partner or you think they are a horrible person, why are you still with them?
I think many of these people are in relationships due to circumstance, like maybe they kinda liked each other they first met but got married for the wrong reasons and are unwilling to divorce.
Being stuck in a relationship with someone you despise was much more common in boomer and genx because of religion and family pressure.
It was a huge shame to get a divorce and many can’t afford life alone.
Also sometimes people do need to vent but venting about your spouse at work is fucking cringe.
I see a few different possibilities here. First, people do bond over shared negative experiences, so it may not be that they hate or even dislike their wives so much as they use this as a way to bond with their fellow coworkers. Some probably are genuinely unhappy, but probably not all. It’s not right but people do it.
My second point goes along with my first. If a couple of coworkers are genuinely unhappy and always bitching it may feel rude or callous to mention how great your marriage or spouse are. The happily married person may also know that the negative coworker is going to shit all over whatever they say and twist the narrative so rather than rock the boat they either don’t say anything or only share negatives.
Third, as with everything else in life, people will talk about negative experiences over positive ones. Sometimes people do genuinely need to vent, but they don’t think about the fact that they are painting their spouse in a negative light until something happens to make it a problem. It’s like your girlfriend that calls you complain whenever her boyfriend does something wrong, and gets all shocked Pikachu when you don’t like them.
At work last week my co worker said something to the extent of “once you’ve got the ball n chain you’ll never have your own life again” and walked out the door. I just turned to the two highschoolers he said that to and said “idk I really like spending time with my wife…🤷🏻♂️”
It kinda remember the funeral speech for my great grand mother who die at 99 when I was 13. She live 2 wars, was a feminist militant before it exist and earn multiple prise for her garden and various botanical project. The guy who make the speech only said She was a good mother and she cooked well .
I dated a man from a very, very small town who was part of a very masculine industry. He worshipped the ground I worked on, but when we were in public, particularly in front of his industry peers or family, he’d lapse into these “ol’ ball and chain” jokes or jabs about me being in the kitchen making him sandwiches. It was such an abrupt about-face, and it seemed to be like social currency for him. I thought it was absurd and could shut him down with one look when I heard it. But now, I can only imagine the dumb shit he was saying in my absence. I think it makes men feel tough, and then after saying it for so long, they begin to authentically believe their partners are their enemies.
Tbh. I’ve no idea. People say stuff like “oh its normal for spouses to argue”. But why? It’ll sounds like a stressful environment. Those type of men who complain about their wives are controlling but know deep down they’d be lost without them. Or some just stay out of religious guilt or not wanting to divorce. If my gf and I had arguments and complaints non-stop, then the relationship wouldn’t be for us
I used to work in a team of four guys, I was single and the others were in long term relationships, one took every opportunity to moan about his partner while the other two would never join in and only comment to say how great their partner is and that they wouldn’t be with them otherwise.
It is a very blokey thing to do and I’m hoping my observation in that group is a sign of the changing times as the two were younger. If you need to complain at all opportunity about your partner then you shouldn’t be with them.
I think a lot of people get married for the wrong reasons and to the wrong person.
Definitely sounds like none of these guys actually want to be with their partners. I talk up my wife all the time. I would never say anything negative about her to someone at work or in public. To me that’s failing my part in the relationship. If I have a problem with her I talk to her about it. There is definitely a social aspect to this as well because I run into this a lot at my job. Other men will do the “haha wife bad” thing and i am just not interested in those conversations. It’s incredibly immature and uncomfortable to listen to.
This may depend on the culture now.
What I can say from my experience is that, if there is some good personnel in the company to talk about personal matters, that this is really the case.
The reason is first that most men don’t see a reason to talk about the good stuff, except it’s somehow related to something the colleagues notice.
The bad stuff, which you want to vent, is then often exchanged.
And this is done more often with colleagues than with friends, because couples seldom share their colleagues, but often share their friends.
And you don’t want your friends to feel sitting between two chairs.
Someone I was friends with in high school invited me on a girls’ trip and described it as: “we drink wine and bitch about our husbands.”
I’m like…I have never had enough to bitch about that it could take more than 5 minutes.
Here is what I’d say: If I knock a piece of chopped onion on the floor and leave it until I am done chopping, he will bend over and pick it up. It makes me feel rushed and judged; he’s just trying to be helpful.
Or, if there’s something more substantive, like the years when he didn’t really job hunt and I was miserable at my job and couldn’t quit because of that, I sure as hell wasn’t going to make casual conversation about it!
I think there are just shitty people out there in general. I don’t know many people who complain about their spouses for every long. Maybe it is time to find a new job.
I’ve always thought it’s a cry for validation.
Like I feel most men who feel secure and happy in their relationships don’t need to speak about their partner to validate their experiences becuase they are often already being validated by their partner.
It’s like reddit. Reddit makes it seem like everyone is in miserable, horrible relationships. When it’s really the people in secure comfortable relationships don’t need to post the same way the people in insecure or uncomfortable relationships need to.
Am man.
You’re not wrong – the vast majority of men do this. I suspect that roughly a third actually feel that way, another third just go along with it because That’s What You Do and it’s important (to them at least) to fit in, and most of the rest are just silent.
I’ve made it a point to be “difficult” about this, in a similar manner to the “asking people to explain their <whatever>ist joke” – guy complains about his wife, I brag about mine. Then it becomes a pride issue.
This has not made me friends, but I’m autistic and tend to end up in that position anyways, so I’m not actually sacrificing anything. But it has over time significantly reduced the amount of general lunchroom conversation that goes that way, so I’ll call it a win.
“One of the guys constantly talks about how his wife is the breadwinner”
This is my husband except the plot twist is he brags to everyone about awesome he thinks I am and how proud and impressed he is with what I’ve been able to do professionally