During an argument, my friend (37M) said I (41F) have a habit of disrespecting people. This isn’t the only time he said that.
I do have a harsh way of speaking at times. I guess the logical step would be to talk it out, but now, I feel mad and very disconnected from him. I tried to bring up the topic, but he skirted around it, and is behaving as if nothing happened. In his defense, he likes distracting people from negative experiences.
Why did he tolerate me for so long if he feels disrespected by my behaviour? And if he is not able to tell me to get lost because he has problems setting boundaries, should I probably show myself out?
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some dudes have a timid personality and try to avoid conflict up to the point where they burst. Sounds like he’s not good at communicating.
I would show yourself out. You guys are both WAY too old for drama
Would you like brutal honesty or would you like to be placated?
Well, I mean, he said his piece, and you got mad and disconnected from him. Why would he want MORE of that energy? You know you’re harsh, so what’s the bit that’s confusing you?!
> why did he tolerate me for so long if he feels disrespected by my behavior
Probably because we all tolerate people that have less than ideal qualities. I don’t want to hang out with most of my coworkers but I still tolerate them and have pleasant conversations with them at work.
I’ve had plenty of friends throughout my life that had annoying quirks or occasionally needed to be brought back down to earth with a dose of reality — that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.
He might like traits of your personality but avoiding direct confrontation because you sound like a bully.
Sounds like he’s just conflict avoidant. I don’t know the dynamic between you and him, but usually that’s exasperated when it’s also a conflict with a woman – There is just a higher desire to avoid the conflict all together.
I also have had a harsh, direct or blunt way of speaking to people, and you seem to acknowledge that in yourself as well. There is a time and place to be like that. You’re aware that speaking to him like this is causing friction.
He’s tolerated it this far because he values you in his life, enough that he would put up with being talked to in a way he considers being disrespectful.
Be conscious of how you’re talking to him, and make a concentrated effort to just tone down the harshness.
One thing that raises some concern is that this is repeat thing, which you are aware of, but altering your behaviour isn’t mentioned once. Instead, it’s he has to set boundaries or lose you. All he’s asking for is for some more respect, it feels very off for you to be mad, and offer one solution where you simply exit his life. I’d maybe just take another glance at how you’re viewing the situation overall.
Sounds like you don’t tolerate criticism
maybe he thinks that your positive outweigh your negatives but sometimes the negatives get too much. Never had someone close to you who is generally a good person but who acts embarrassingly or really poorly in a very specific scenario?
Because he know you and know this:
>I do have a harsh way of speaking at times
And my guess is, since you acted hurt or confrontational by his words, he is now trying to downplay the situation or wishes he hadn’t said anything. Based on my mind-reading abilities, he probably has clear examples of phrases you said that he thinks were disrespectful. But, based on my divination talent, he would literally prefer to be kicked in the balls than to tell you.
Right now, you’re saying this:
>Why did he tolerate me for so long if he feels disrespected by my behaviour
To me, it sounds a little confrontational (note: I’m not a native speaker, so I could be totally off). The answer, in my opinion, is that it’s not THAT big of a deal. It’s not like he thinks you’re horrible and just ‘tolerates’ you. I mean… has it never happened to you to feel disrespected by someone close to you and let it slide because you noticed it wasn’t intentional or malicious?
Please don’t hurt me.
😀
I was not able to see for most of my life that my behavior had little or nothing to do with anyone else.
I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t done this other thing
Is a lie we tell ourselves.
If you have a friend who has shown you the guts to tell you about a shortcoming you most likely were not aware of, thank him and work to straighten out your shit.
The most loving thing someone could do for me is tell me something I need to know that nobody else would be willing to say to me.
People who are self aware that they themselves have issues have no qualms of tolerating others with issues as well.
In a other word, his insecurity is justifying his tolerance for you.
You can continue treating him with disrespect but understand that everybody have their tipping point and you have not reached that point yet.
Once you do, that’s when he will think to himself that enough is enough, and will stop tolerating you.
> I do have a harsh way of speaking at times. I guess the logical step would be to talk it out, but now, I feel mad
“I did something wrong and now I’m acting like the victim about it”
You may be right that he sucks at communicating and is conflict-averse to a fault, but yikes lady. Maybe the reason he avoids talking about stuff like this is because you instantly find a way to deflect blame and put others on the defensive.
You’re an adult, your behaviour is ultimately your responsibility. It’s a bonus if your friends can help you out when you misstep, but it’s not their responsibility to do what your parents did not, and they’re less inclined to help you out that way if you’re a pain in the arse about it when they try.
Kinda sounds like you’re the problem and should consciously think before you speak to people. Being rude when it’s NEEDED is fine, being harsh because that’s just the way you are makes you sound like an asshole on a regular basis.
You’re asking the wrong questions. Ask whether you’re respectful and warm in conversations. Ask how you could be more of those. Ask why it’s a mystery that a friend would tolerate your unkindness.
If he tolerated disrespect from you, I’d guess it’s because he likes having you as a friend despite feeling disrespected. Disrespect can wear on a person, though, so if you like having him as a friend, it might behoove you to talk with him to understand exactly what it is you say or do that makes him feel disrespected and then change your behavior so he won’t feel that way anymore. Easier said than done, especially if, like many men, he struggles to communicate his feelings! And if he’s felt that way for a while, he might be pretty hesitant to open up. But, y’know, trying to understand how your behavior affects someone and to change it is pretty respectful, so if you make a genuine effort, you might eventually be able to build a bridge. You might need to open up about your feelings first to get him comfortable with sharing his, so consider rehearsing respectful ways to share how your feelings about your strained friendship are weighing on you.
Of course, if you feel like he’s had the last straw, but can’t bring himself to tell you to get lost, maybe he can’t—maybe he’s conflict avoidant. Or, maybe he doesn’t want you to get lost—maybe he hopes you can work this out and remain friends. Seems to me there’s only one way to find out. (Ask him…respectfully.)
Then too, I could be wrong, but I get the sense from your post that you feel disrespected by having heard him tell you that he feels disrespected. I mean, people who feel respected don’t usually say things like “should I probably show myself out [of the relationship].” Like, if you felt positively about the friendship, would you not want to repair it rather than leave it?
Why are y’all friends, anyway? And do you want to stay friends?
Presumably it piled up, got to a tipping point, and flowed over. Some small thing – that’s why we call it “the last straw”.
Most people will not tell you the things that they don’t like about you, or that make you abrasive to other people.
If a friend raises a piece of criticism, and you feel it was done genuinely and not to hurt- in my experience it’s good to listen up. If you snapped at him when he brought it up, he may feel like it’s not a conversation worth pursuing.
Generally we understand that our friends have good qualities as well as some not-so-good ones. Likely you are not disrespectful all the time. If you can get him to open up about this, I would want to ask for some examples- ‘disrespect’ can mean many different things.
You sound like an insufferable person. In fact, I get the distinct suspicion you may very well be on the spectrum based on your flat affect, inability to understand why your friend has stepped back, and your blase attitude towards being harsh, unyielding, and cruel while demonstrating a hypocritical inability to take criticism.
Give yourself an honest evaluation. Take inventory of how many friends you have. How many have faded into the distance? How many call YOU up to invite you out? Reach out to you when they haven’t heard from you in awhile? Look genuinely happy to see you when you walk up? Come to you for advice or when they need a listening ear? Confide in you? Have expressed what value you hold in their life? Invite you to their important (and even personal) life or milestone events?
If you have to give these questions more than a few seconds to answer, or if you have to dig deep, it’s telling you everything you need to know and then some. You are the common denominator, and not in a positive manner.
In other words, there’s a 99.999% chance you are the problem.
>Why did he tolerate me for so long if he feels disrespected by my behaviour?
Because like with all negative traits, in the beginning it was 1% of your personality and now it’s grown to the percentage where you’re becoming insufferable.
>And if he is not able to tell me to get lost because he has problems setting boundaries, should I probably show myself out?
Sounds more like you have a problem with boundaries and not him setting them.
Men can get over things or suppress them and ignore them, often easier than women can. It’s like boys can get into one and then be friends again. Generally there’s a feeling it’s because those fall outs can be more physical than mental. And mentally tend to be less manipulative. It’s probably partly that.
Also we tend to suppress annoyance and stress, too much. So it’s not uncommon for us to let stuff slide until it reaches the point where it really is an issue. But once we’ve vented we can get back to life. We don’t feel the need to treat it as an opportunity for a deep talking therapy session. The way women sometimes do.
Also he might not be seeing this as a constant thing with you. He might be perfectly happy being around what you are most of the time but sometimes you can be a jerk and sometimes you irritate him enough for him to tell you that.
Gonna need some examples I guess.
As to why tolerate it… I mean, we all have friends who have their social quirks
Sometimes as friends our job is to tell our friends when they are being an ass.
Is that what he did? I suspect so.
The question is how will you take it. You can take it as a reminder from a friend that you can do better or you can pretend like he’s at fault for bringing it out in the open.
The choice is yours.
The act of telling you is him not tolerating it anymore, not that hard to understand.
You seem to have a “take me as I am or leave” way of thinking about it. So I mean if he disconnected, that’s a logical move. If you want to reconnect, you might have to be open to adjusting to his criticism, and if you aren’t, then I guess it’s on you to see yourself out.
If you do want to be less disrespectful to keep him as a friend, great.
It’s hard to change your way of speaking all at once. One big tip I can give you is this: when you know you’re a bit excited and about to say something you know will at least be seen as harsh, whether or not it actually is, say this FIRST, “I’m sorry, this will sound harsh”. If it really is harsh, well at least you warned them. And if it wasn’t, then they will correct you and say, “oh no that’s not harsh at all”, which is good, they now have a positive perception of it. Also that “sound” bit is some lawyer speak to avoid admitting guilt, just because something sounds or seems a certain way doesn’t mean it is, it’s just a possible emotional perception.
And just make sure to avoid, “I don’t want to sound harsh”. If you say you don’t want to do something, then go ahead and do it, people feel lied to. That’s why you avoid denying it, admit the negative perception with the lawyer speak. “This will sound harsh”.
This alone can help assertive people from ending up with people accusing them of being abrasive, rude, mean, and so on. Bonus points if you lead with the apology, “I’m sorry, this will sound harsh”.
What it does is it brings up any possible accusations and negative perceptions right at the start, out in the open. And they often can be dismissed or at least accepted thanks to the honesty and tactful way of handling it, rather than ending up with a fight that comes up later and the cold shoulder routine.
There is no way this post isn’t satire.
The author has elegantly summarised a “I’m sorry you feel that way”, ”Look what you made me do” victim blaming toxic worldview – OP’s clearly met people like this too or wouldn’t be able to sketch that awful personality type that well.
Bravo OP – now do “Trump supporter being hit by Trump policies they thought would only hurt the “right” people”
Disrespect has different meanings for men and women
If it was a 37M to a 41M friend it would’ve gone something like this:
“Man, fuck they guy” or “Whatever bro”
And that would’ve been the end of it.
When keeping it real goes wrong.
OP is definitely the problem here
The only time and reason a man won’t tell a woman something truthful that she won’t like is if he thinks he has a chance at having sex with her. If he’s finally telling you the truth, he’s given up on that hope.
We as men know that women don’t like accountability and don’t respond well at all to being called out/held accountable for poor behavior. But… we still want to sleep with most of you, so we tolerate poor behavior until we’re sure you won’t sleep with us. You get used to behaving the way you do because so many men are willing to put up with the behavior for a period of time and you have the ability to jump from guy to guy for validation.
You’re mad and disconnected because you can’t handle criticism. Sounds like a pretty typical attitude for a western female these days
So he told you you’re disrespectful to people and agreed with him, but you’re still angry at him and think he did something wrong?
Also, the fact that you can’t imagine why someone wouldn’t want to be immediately confrontational with their friend over an attitude problem tells me a lot here.
Sounds like you also have issues with accountability
Man imagine going through life for 41 years with the luxury of treating people like shit, without pushback, and then being surprised by someone pointing it out. I’m guessing the man is not the only one put off by you. Most of us(men) would just ignore you and have as little interaction with you as humanly possible. Not even worth pointing it out most of the time, so that’s a true friend you’ve got there.
He probably doesn’t have many friends so suffers through the abuse.
You sound like my ex wife. Rather than having an ounce of self reflection and considering you might have something you need to work on about yourself, you find a way to spin it around and make it about your friend and how it’s apparently his fault that he keeps tolerating it. At some point, he won’t tolerate it anymore. This is the path to destroying interpersonal relationships and becoming lonely and miserable in life. Him not immediately cutting you out of his life because you disrespected him isn’t the problem that needs fixed here.
You must have some other use that allows him to put up with it, has trauma which makes the way you argue comfortable, or just doesn’t care too much cause you’re not in a romantic relationship so he can dip whenever the negatives outweigh the positives relatively painlessly.
You reap what you sow. Haaaa haaa get used to it.
Why not just speak with tact and the correct tone?
Are you #*%!ing kiding me!
You know what you do is wrong, and acknowledge that he was right by your harsh attitude. Yet instead of acknowledging that and possibly deciding what to do about it, your blaming him for being around you at all and not accepting all the negitive things about you.
Here’s the reality. No one is perfect, and if someone tells you your doing something wrong it’s because they cared about you enough to actually say something instead of distancing themselves from you and letting you walk off a cliff by going the same direction you are going now. Anyone else who will tell you your faults will not do so in a friendly way as your friend seemed to have tried. Thank of that as a compliment because in spite of your harshness they still see you as someone worth caring about enough to point out something easy that you can change for the better.
Stop blaming him for choosing to be around you, and instead change yourself to be a better person. Or do what your suggesting and self sabotage your relationships until you have no one left. Walk away from them all or push them away because they actually gave a damn to say something as a friend before someone else did as a landmine.
I often think to myself that emotional conflict is to men what physical conflict is to women. I’m sure that’s a massive oversimplification but it feels right sometimes. Having an argument with a woman can be worse to a man than having a physical fight with another guy – sometimes I’d rather be punched in the face than have to argue with a particularly aggressive woman, genuinely.
So think of it as if you’re throwing punches at him. The only way to get you to stop is to fight back, but he doesn’t have the tools or strength required to go toe to toe with you in that arena, so he tries to avoid it. Much as a woman would if a man was hitting her.
Tbh I’m curious if this view has legs or not, it’s something I’ve thought for a long time watching men argue with women. Maybe I’m wrong.
>my friend (37M) said I (41F) have a habit of disrespecting people.
>now, I feel mad
You could also choose to let that sit for a bit, then get back to him and say: “you are right, I need to get out of that habit and I’ve started a diary to track myself”.
True friends will call you out on your bullshit, in a respectful manner. “This is problematic, it’s effecting our relationship, it will probably effect your relationship with others as well. I’m bringing it to your attention because you appear to be struggling with it and are oblivious to the consequences of your actions”
The “natural” response is to get defensive “ME BAD?!” it’s like he’s attacking your authentic self, but the thing is, you can decide who you want to be, and direct your thinking and behavior to be and be perceived as a more likable, considerate person. if that’s what you want.
So your friend isn’t attacking you, or trying to control your behavior, just giving you a different perspective on you. If you value the relationship, take his advice with an open mind, accept this perception as having some validity. It doesn’t define who you are, but it’s one part of who you’ve been.
Or, fuck him, fuck his feelings, i’ma be me take me or leave me. Anyone who says shit about me can kick rocks.