I used to LOVE hosting events. But with each one the invitees were being worse and worse invitees. Making huge messes and not alerting me, letting kids break electronics and things around my home, showing up late, no showing, drinking too much, not interacting with myself or anyone else, eating and leaving the list goes on.
I’ve realized I not longer want to host at my house specifically as everytime it’s a headache. Everyone’s used to me hosting so of course I get messages constantly like “when’s the Easter party? When’s Valentine’s party?” And everytime I respond with “we’re not doing it this year but if you know a party we’d love to come!” We still celebrate things like birthdays and holidays obviously but it’s just my husband daughter and I.
Last year I host my daughter’s first birthday at my house and it was a complete train wreck. No one helped me set up or take down, no one brought a dish, someone clogged my toilet, and multiple people left their plates on the table and food everywhere for me to clean. After that I said no more. From now on we go places for parties.
My daughter’s 2nd is coming up and we’re going to a buffet restaurant bc people don’t know how to act like a guest. I love family parties and had so many growing up but I cannot do the stress of it. My SIL showed up randomly to “dye eggs” which I could tell she was heavily implying she wanted to do the Easter party activities and I already did a party just my daughter and I and she probably thought I’d still host them. She came over and I told her I’m not doing it this year but she’s welcome to have a playdate with my daughter and her two kids outside. Her kids are out of control so yes I do make them play outside when they’re here or they’ll tear up my house and my SIL will do nothing about it. I get now why no one hosts anymore it’s SO exhausting
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That does sound frustrating.
Have you told your friends and family all of this? That you’re disappointed no one helps with clean up, bringing dishes, etc…
Were you the type of host to say “oh no, I’ve got it,” when someone asked to help you? Told them to “just bring themselves” if they asked what they could bring?
I’ve never had a bad hosting experience but I do think telling people about themselves and refusing to host is a good solution.
Why did you stop using paragraphs
Yeah, I am sort of with you. I use to love hosting. I still enjoy hosting family they never cause me issues like where they makes messes or have blatant disrespect for my house.
However, I am just over hosting people in my own age in groups. I am happy to have individuals come over or a mom and her chid for a playdate with my children but I am exhausted and I am not willing to do all of the work or deal with people treating my beloved house poorly.
I feel this so much. I loved being the hostess with the mostess … but after awhile you realize your generosity is never reciprocated and you’re out a lot of money (seriously – food, drinks, catering, etc is SO pricey) and a lot of time (cleaning up before, decorating, take down and clean up). It’s not to say I do things for the sole purpose of reciprocation but it’s deflating when you’re the only doing it. If I host now, it’s a potluck or a picnic.
I hosted a group of girl friends at my house and we were hanging out on my (white) couch when one of my friends pulled out a craft project. I asked her to move to the dining table that was 3 feet away if she wanted to do her craft. She refused. She said she was fine. Continued to craft while sitting on my couch. I was flabbergasted at the rudeness. Haven’t hosted since.
I stopped because I feel like I do everything in both prep and cleanup and I’m exhausted. During the meal, I’m the last to sit, and usually I’m up helping a kid, refilling ice, etc. It just isn’t rewarding enough for all the work. I’m happy to have a small dinner with one other couple, but I’m not doing big get-togethers anymore.
I moved to a new city, and my apartment here is not set up for hosting. (Messy roommate. No space to host.) I miss it
I won’t have more than 3 or maybe 4 people over ever again at the same time. My 19th birthday at my first apartment was a mess, and there were only like 10 of us. They somehow got a red wine stain on my blue wall🤦🏽♀️ my wooden coffee table was drenched, and the top layer had to be sanded down to get rid of the stains. Not to mention sweeping, mopping, dishes, etc. The only things that thankfully weren’t a wreck were my bathroom and toilet.
I used to host but was shocked to see how other people consider your home “free range space” for their kids. Broken toys, trashed spaces, parents seemingly taking a break (?!?) with only a passing “lets pick up before we go”. Forget it.
My family sort of distanced themselves during/after Covid. My family (including my parents and sibling) followed all the rules, etc whereas my extended family didn’t. Thought it was all a big conspiracy. They thought that us not attending birthday parties and other gatherings was an insult. Then I lost my mom in 2022 and grandma in 2023 and they sort of stopped contacting any of us. It really sucks. I really miss having family around.
My mental illness got progressively worse and the mental energy it would take to even handle the anxiety of hosting let alone the logistics just makes it impossible for me these days. It’s a shame, I used to enjoy having people over.
I thankfully haven’t dealt with hosting disrespectful, ungrateful jerks like you have. I’m sorry, that really sucks.
And when I am a guest I make sure to bring something, help out and be super appreciative, knowing I can’t reciprocally host.
This has nothing to do with children or rudeness, I really worked hard to turn my house into a safe haven for myself and feel like outsider energy pollutes it 😭 I just get so uneasy and overwhelmed when guests come over because this is my place to decompress and live. It’s just so vulnerable and personal
A couple who came had norovirus the day before. Needless to say, we got it and it ruined my family’s holiday. People suck.
I’m old enough at this point to just throw a bday if I want one instead of expecting anyone else to make it their priority. However this past was the end of that. There was a couple invited who are vegetarian, I figured fine so I planned Spanish wines, elderberry sangria. Five tapas centered around vegans. They called and asked could they bring a mom who decided to surprise visit. We say okay.
Meanwhile this leads to a second couple learning there’s a party. And a third, plus THEIR parent also visiting and OHHH my grown son plus wife and baby want to come.
So I work the night before cleaning and preparing food for 14. The original couple: only one of us is showing because visiting mom wants to rest and spend time with her daughter. So… the entire menu of vegan food for them is for nothing. The second couple shows but has terrible manners all night. Third couple literally bringing FIVE extras we bought food and booze and nonalcoholic special drinks for? Only two show. Of 14, 7 showed. Fuck this nonsense. I’m done.
The waste was immeasurably expensive by time and effort, I blew my bday prepping. I did all the set up and cooking, partner shared the takedown. One person said happy bday. Awesome.
Because people would always RSVP yes and then cancel the day of and it feels really sad to plan something that people committed to just to have half of them bail so last minute.
Same, when we first got our house I loved to host but then got exhausted being the only one in our group to host. Especially when multiple friends have spaces as big, if not bigger, than ours. We started having last minute cancellations & I just gave up. I was tired of all the extra food I prepped & having to clean before/after. In every invite I always encouraged people to bring something to share. I had a friend who showed up to a BBQ with a 12 pack of soda & then took the extra soda back with her after her & her husband ate & drank all night. I felt like the least she could have done was leave us some diet cokes!
Why do I not host anymore? Let me count the ways…
I went through a messy breakup with an ex who was a part of “the group”. While many people claimed to be “neutral” after the breakup, many of them consistently turned down my invitations after said breakup. I’m not 100% sure if they’d just ferl awkward coming to my place now, since I got the apartment in the split, or if they just took his side and are too cowardly to tell me, but it amounts to the same.
I live in an apartment, and I try to be considerate of my neighbors regarding noise. I’m on the top floor, so lots of feet = lots of noise for my downstairs neighbor.
My complex has shit for parking, and public transit in my city is crap. Asking my friends to drive 45 min- hour to my place and have nowhere to park? Not a good look.
I love hosting, and I miss it dearly. But I can’t justify asking people to come to my home when it’s cramped, there’s no parking, and it’s not a kid friendly space. So, for now, I need to leave it to my friends with single-family houses. 🤷♀️
Go over to r/etiquette and you’ll find lots of horror stories. In general, the art of being a guest has been lost. Things are too casual, not in a non-stuffy casual way but in a noncommittal casual way. People don’t face any consequences for poor behaviour. The whole situation has slowly degraded over time.
The two most recent visits that determined I was not inviting those people back into my home:
I’ve had people break things, gossip about my cooking, make shitty comments about my rental’s features. They were generally not great people tbf, but I think there’s a lot of this going around. People are more selfish and rude these days.
I don’t do it very often because no one knows how to be a guest anymore. They let their kids run wild and just help themselves to my pantry, fridge, things I haven’t set out. The kids barge into adult conversation and sit there playing tablets loudly with no correction from their parents. (I have kids too, they do not behave this way.)
People show up empty-handed and ask to take home leftovers. No one even says thank you, nor offers to help clean in even a small amount (I never let people clean aside from if they would like to help me clear plates, but even that offer doesn’t happen anymore). People are just rude, and it’s too much.
I’m hosting a 4th of July cookout this year at my house for my family. Honestly, if it’s too much this time, I’m just going to stop hosting. I’ve lived at my current home for nearly 3 years, and this will be my 3rd time hosting. Before that, my mom hosted at my childhood home every year for Thanksgiving. If she didn’t, we wouldn’t have seen our family.
My biggest issue is when people aren’t respectful of the time and energy you put into cleaning, planning, and organizing everything. Let’s not forget money.
Also, people arrive and don’t want to engage. Kids are on their tablets, and adults are on their phones.
I really want to continue hosting but not at the cost of my mental health.
I love hosting but I only host small groups of friends (expensive city, small home) who do not behave like barbarians who’ve breached the gates (some of the stories here, wtf) – and no one ever brings any children.
I think it’s perfectly fine to be very selective about how and who you host. Or just skip it altogether if you’d rather, of course.
I’m actually quite new to hosting and just learning the ropes but what drives me already up the wall is that some people just presume they can arrive with their pets (usually dogs)????? What the helllllllll? If your dog has separation anxiety, that’s not my problem! We had to lie and tell that our lease agreement forbids animals on the property. I love dogs and animals in general but this is beyond rude.
I completely understand every single word you said. This is me to a “T”. I grew up in the South with parents who were always entertaining so I come by it naturally. I’ve all but quit hosting anymore unless it’s for immediate family. Our friends come over and trash the house, leave beds unmade if they stay the night, candy and food wrappers in the guest room drawers, and last time a slew of my fiancés friends helped themselves to my booze I’ve spent years collecting at my bar.
We are all in our early 50s. Last time we hosted, I had to remove all my Waterford Crystal because one of our friends got so polluted falling all over the place and I couldn’t chance it. Same guy ate greasy fried chicken and started aggressively petting my freshly groomed shih tzu and then she looked like a greaseball.
I’ve had girlfriends that wouldn’t leave for 2 days and only after I had to verbally say to them that my home is not the Holiday Inn. No joke! Then when I kicked one of my girlfriends out she says “ I’ll make the bed when I come back”. WTF? I grew up with manners being strictly enforced. I would NEVER come into someone’s home and do anything remotely like this. Makes you think some people were raised in a barn.
Ive hosted two parties in the past.
First one ended up with broken things nobody told me about, plants that were used as ashtrays/trash bins and some people were complaining about me not being able to spend as much time as they wanted with me (but that I was constantly running around trying to keep it all afloat.)
Second one someone managed to go into my office (that was closed off, not locked but I had a note on the door not to go in) and they got my original gameboy that was on my desk; gameboy in hand asking me if I had more games. Cue me getting mad #1.
Someone else thought it would be a good idea to go through my cds to create “a party playlist”, ruining several cd cases in the process.
It’s been about 15 years since ive hosted one and I’m not doing that ever again (unless I have the money to hire proper catering and have said party at a different location.)
But hosting in my own place? Absolutely not. Never again.
This whole post is wild to me.
My partner and I hosted a sports league team party last week. About 12 people came. Everyone brought something and we just chilled and had a good time. Some people offered to help clean up, but we had decided on paper plates and recyclable utensils so it really wasn’t much clean up. Everyone left at a reasonable time.
Every other time we have hosted stuff it’s been much the same. I can’t imagine being friends with someone who would be a terrible guest, let alone invite them to my house. I don’t understand where these people come from but thankfully they’re not in my life.
Sounds like you need to only invite people over who have proven they’re at least tolerable guests.
I’ve never been someone to host events. I will have maybe two or three friends over at a time and that’s enough, both in terms of space in my apartment and what I can tolerate. My wife is the same – we’re not party people at home (but we are very conscientious guests, probably because we’re aware that hosting is a burden!)
I like hosting certain people only . I had one friend who would come over and drink almost a whole bottle of wine by herself on a weeknight and then claim she was ok to drive home( even brought her teen daughter sometimes. I would argue with her each time that it wasn’t safe etc. it was hard to get her to leave and I found it rude she would overstay her welcome each time when she knew I had work the next day. Also, the parents with little kids that let them roam around my house unsupervised! I found my plants ripped up and the leaves strewn in piles. When I saw that the mom tried to say it was some sort of bouquet the kid was making for me ! Hahahah like silly me I should be grateful her kid ripped up my ferns etc. I still have dinner parties but sparingly
My biggest pet peeve is people who arrive late (like after dinner was scheduled to begin) and then don’t know when to go home.
Hell yes, you’re completely right. It’s super easy to rent picnic sites at our fantastic parks and they’re lovely. I have no compunction about caroling “Time’s almost up, let’s all clean up! Time to clean up!” and handing out jobs to the lazy.
I’ve never really enjoyed hosting (I’m too much of a perfectionist), but I had to put an end to doing family holidays at ours a few years ago (and actually, conveniently coinciding with COVID). Too much work and stress for people to complain about the food. I cook from scratch and my family is used to eating highly processed, canned/boxed food, and unseasoned stuff, so if it doesn’t taste EXACTLY like that (green bean casserole from canned ingredients, gravy from a jar, stuffing from a box, roasted unseasoned turkey), people complain. I was not about to continue to spend days planning, prepping, and hours cooking for people to complain. Or when people offer to bring stuff/help, it ends up throwing off the timing. My mom once offered to make the mashed potatoes and then showed up LATE with whole potatoes that she still had to peel (which took her FOREVER), chop, and boil. Everything was ready while we were still waiting for the potatoes to cook. My uncle is a vegetarian and I make sure that he can eat everything except the main protein, but he always finds something to complain about (my grandma used to just pop a veggie lasagna in the oven for him…). Nope, no more.
We also have 3 dogs and not everyone is a fan, which is fair and people are entitled to feel that way, but…they live here. I’m not going to lock them away in their own home.
I haven’t had really any horror stories about hosting events at my house – thankfully – but several years ago I hosted a baby shower at a restaurant for the first time and boy have I NEVER looked back.
From that point forward, any larger gathering I’ve hosted has been at a restaurant or similar other event space. No pre or post-event cleaning, just bring decor and set it up – no need to take it back down unless you want to keep it. And honestly, with a little strategic planning, the food & beverage costs are really just a little more expensive than it would be to buy everything to make it myself at home, and the extra cost is worth not having to hassle with all the prep and coordination.
Luckily I haven’t had many bad experiences with guests (outside of a friend’s spouse packing up food to take home when all of the guests hadn’t arrived yet and I never explicitly said to take leftovers if there were any). But the last few times I planned just a small cookout, most people bailed last minute. While it isn’t a super fancy event, it’s still a few hundred $$ in food/drinks, and a few days of planning and prepping.
I used to host weekends at my cabin – I’d have 10-15 people at a time. After about 3 of those weekends I was so done. Some examples of why:
There’s more, but those are the big reasons. Now I just have a small core group of about 5 I invite up to my cabin who have always been respectful of the space and don’t cause drama.
Hosting should feel joyful. It should feel like community, not cleanup duty. When people treat your home like a free-for-all, your efforts like a given, and your space like a convenience. It’s no wonder you’re stepping back. You’re not just protecting your home – you’re protecting your well-being, your daughter’s memories, and the kind of energy you want to invite in. Your “no” is enough. Your peace is reason enough and your daughter is going to grow up remembering a mum who didn’t let other people’s expectations drain the joy out of her holidays.
I stopped because people don’t know when to leave. It’s crazy. I literally mentioned I have to work tomorrow or my children have school and they will say OK I’m just gonna finish What’s left of the beer in the ice chest.
I’ve had people break chairs. I’ve had people break my glasses and plates because they’re drunk and that’s when I said enough.
Honestly, acting like a guest is a lost art. So many people complain that we don’t do parties at home anymore. But this is why. Unfortunately, not everyone is willing to help out and do their part as a guest.
They come over and expect restaurant service, yet this is someone’s home. They didn’t pay for the meal, nor co tribute. But still expect their plate to magically disappear and for their cup to never run empty.
As a guest, it’s important to help out wherever possible. Bad guests ruin it for those who are good guests.
I personally don’t blame you for taking gatherings to a restaurant.
I loved hosting when I was in my 20s and had a big house. Then I downsized and no longer had space to host. It’s been 10 years and I still don’t host (my current apartment isn’t a great size for hosting either).
I never had issues with people not cleaning up after themselves, thankfully. I had one friend I had to keep an eye on at parties because if I looked away for two seconds near the end of the night I’d find her cleaning and doing the dishes from the party.
Honestly, it kind of sounds like you just have crappy people coming to your parties. I wouldn’t want to host people who wreck my house, either. But I wouldn’t want to be friends with those people in the first place (and I’m not close with any of my family except my mom). I mean, don’t get me wrong, I definitely had to do some cleaning after parties, but it was pretty standard and usually took about an hour of just collecting garbage and recyclables and then washing dishes. I spent more time cleaning before parties than after.
People were not appreciative; they didn’t see the generosity of someone cooking an exclusively vegan 3-course meal for them (when they’re vegan, and I’m not vegan AT ALL.)
I believe Taylor Swift wrote these lyrics – precisely for us never-again hostesses:
“This is why we can’t have nice things, darlin’
Because you break them, I had to take them away
This is why we can’t have nice things, honey (oh)”