I’m a 33 year old guy – I have no problem getting dates and I usually meet a new person on the weekend. …but they never last. A lot of women have told me I’m attractive and I have qualities that girls want. I have really worked on myself. My friends say they are really surprised I can’t find someone.
The problem is… i usually date a girl for a couple of months or more with the intention of it becoming a proper relationship and they just break it off. The times I have been given a reason, those reasons just don’t often add up. The common thing they say is that I’m a bit quiet and I’m too busy with hobbies and work. But I work hard so I can have a good future and to have money for dates, and I have hobbies because I don’t want my whole life to just be about my partner. Every time the relationship fails, I go back to the drawing board and I watch YouTube and better myself, but it’s still happening.
Maybe I’m choosing the wrong people, but I’ve dated a huge spectrum of teachers, nurses, businesswomen, a police officer, a librarian… Etc.
I literally dated non stop for around 15 years. I have been single for the last 18 months though because I just automatically think it’s going to fail now. I genuinely have stopped trying and am planning for a life without kids or a partner.
Is this the norm today? I just want to have someone as my best friend to do life with, but I am starting to wonder if there is just something about me that puts people off.
Tl;dr I put in my best effort but I’m not being picked as a long term partner
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Women expet continous effort and when that falls off so does the relationship. You can be the best on paper guy if you’re not putting any effort into the relationship she will not stay. “Bit quiet and too busy with hobbies” is giving me introvert / avoidant vibes. So whislt it may not add up in your mind to me it looks like you basically stop putting in effort – or as much effort as in the beginning – into maintaining the relainship, planning dates, communicating. That can be a real downer for women, especially if you start of real strong planning dates and communicating. It can look to them like you are no longer interested. Relationships take two to maintain and if it’s just her doing all the reaching out / planning / communicating (not saying that is what is happening, but my guess is it might be the problem) then it’s going to be a problem. You kind of have to keep that energy up and integrate them into your life properly on a daily basis if you want it to last. Having said all that I agree that it’s a LOT of effort and you may deep down enjoy your alone time a lot more. I sure do.
In interested to know if you were going on dates a lot with each of the women at first before getting into a relationship with them and being busy.
Just wondering if their expectations of the time you’ll spend with them is set high initially if this is the case and then when you’re working hard it’s a big shift for them that they feel you’re not as interested.
What do you watch on Youtube to better yourself?
> The common thing they say is that I’m a bit quiet and I’m too busy with hobbies and work.
What this tells me is that deeper connections are not being built with these women.
You give reasons for allocating your time this way, but they have nothing to do with your dates as people. You’re checking boxes (pay for dates, have hobbies, grow career), but who are these women? You cite their jobs, but did you actually like them? Did you get to know them? What kinds of personalities did they have? What kinds of personalities did you click with? What kinds of personalities put you off?
From the sound of it, there just wasn’t much substance to these dates, and the women just didn’t see it going anywhere. You might be great “on paper,” but falling a bit flat when it comes to in-person connections.
When a situation comes up like going to a movie with them, do you find yourself thinking/saying “well yeah I’d like to go, not doing anything else” or “That would be amazing, I’ll drop what I’m doing and lets start planning! Want to go to dinner before? Or I know a good ice cream spot nearby?”
I found from a lot of my first relationships I was more in that first space. That level of interest is off putting, you don’t mind hanging out because you have nothing better to do? So if you did they wouldn’t get your attention? So what hobby are they less important than?
You’re saying you don’t want your life to just be about your partner, but your partner is going to be at least an aspect of every part of your life. So how far down the list do you make them feel?
Is it possible you prioritized work and hobbies over your partners? Canceling date nights because of work, or not being available because of a hobby?
Have you ever dates anyone who shares your hobbies? How did that go? And what feedback did you get when it ended, if any?
Two things come to mind here. What are your deeply held values, and which of your hobbies reflect these? Is one of your hobbies connected to a cause, say the environment , social justice, faith etc? This may be an arena you want to explore
more and get to know a woman there. Deeply held values, and enjoying leisure together, are essential.
The other thing I was thinking when reading this; your ‘quiet’ nature, while an asset in some respects, can be a disadvantage in dating. If you are not comfortable talking a lot yourself, how about asking her lots of questions?
If you dream of finding a romantic partner who can be your lifelong best friend as well as your lover, scoring dates with random women on the weekend is bound to be a high-risk, low-reward strategy – especially if you are too busy to do any friend-type or romantic-type stuff with them, except when you ask them out on dates. If you’re seriously interested in building a long-term relationship, I’d recommend that you refine your search techniques. You’ll do much better if you look for someone who shares most or all of your values, interests, and goals for the future.
Instead of looking for tips on YouTube, I’d suggest focusing your romantic gaze on women who already enjoy one or more of your hobbies. That will make it easier for you to keep doing the things you enjoy, while spending enough quality time together to make it worth her while to date you. Being quiet is not an undesirable personal quality – many women, myself included, are wildly attracted to nerdy introverts. But if you’re quiet in the sense of retreating into your Cone of Silence between dates, well – that’s an issue. And frankly, if you’re mostly picking up party-hearty women in bars, they are probably NOT the type that can be happy long-term with a nerdy introvert.
Long story short, there has to be a balance. You couldn’t ignore your male friends and expect to keep their friendship for very long, right? So why do you think it would be any different with a woman friend, let alone someone you were involved with romantically and sexually?
It could just be your location and that the people there are not it! I’m a pretty good catch if I say so myself but the men in my town are trash!
but I’ve dated a huge spectrum of teachers, nurses, businesswomen, a police officer, a librarian.
Those are different jobs not different people