when we first got together i was 22. so it’s been a long time now. i used to always have a high sex drive and even cry??? if i spent a day without sex. which i recognize is strange and unhealthy. i was convinced that if my ex didn’t sleep with me, then he didn’t love me. it would hurt me so much i used to scratch myself over it. overall, in that relationship i lacked a lot of attention. i think that is why. i used to not eat just to skip my period so that i was available and ready to have sex if he needed me.
now I’m with my new partner who is great in every way. the first couple years we would always have sex. i felt that we were mutually desired. then eventually i started getting uncomfortable with being touched. i felt overstimulated maybe? i expressed that and he understood. he of course still loved me and wanted to be close to me. i thought maybe i just had off days and went along with it anyways for some days, because eventually i wouldn’t feel that way and would enjoy sex and touch again.
now it seems like as more and more time passes, this period where i dislike to be touched is longer. i feel really bad because my partner is so sweet to me. he does so much for me and sometimes i feel like i have nothing to offer but touch. but then i don’t enjoy to be touched. when he kisses me, i turn away and he expressed that it hurt his feelings. i explained why and that maybe i was traumatized or something by the way i used to have no self respect for myself. and that i did want to be close to him, but i didnt want to make myself uncomfortable just to make him happy either.
he understood this and said he respects that but cant help but feel rejected. i feel sad because i never want him to feel that way. sometimes when he kisses me, he won’t stop unless i stop. so if i don’t stop, I’m thinking like. are we just gonna make out and then have sex?? so then i avoid kisses by reflex now.
i wish i wanted to touch so bad! sometimes I’m miserable until the couple days before my period. because i know when it comes, i have a higher sex drive and overall am more touchy and maybe that’s the version of me he would prefer? he tells me he loves me either way. I’m sure he does, but deep down i kind of feel like i know he would be happier if we could be physically closer more often.
is it in my head?? do i have a problem? i would love if anyone had any similar experiences or advice.
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I feel like women, like myself as well feel that…I’m 27F and I’m the same way. I don’t desire it ad much. I loved him but I couldn’t get there. I needed help with getting there not just foreplay but making date plans, surprising me with food or a stuffie or something to show that he loved me. I needed to be emotionally there before I could do anything.
The way you were initially was unhealthy, so a reduction in that isn’t a bad thing. I wonder if that reduction made him feel rejected to the point where every time you touched each other he expected the same level of sex and when you didn’t want that you started feeling anxious at any touch at all.
Try a period of time where you both agree to touch without sex. Even if it’s laying down just stroking or kissing, but with both of you knowing that it’s not going to lead to sex. You might find your anxiety lessens without that expectation present
Expectations / pressure is very bad for sexual desire. Try to take the pressure out of the equation and it’ll work much better.
The two of you seem to be concerned for each other’s feelings, and communicate very well. This is huge! A great ground to work on, and I am sure you’ll be successful.