We’re Palestinians, they grew up in Saudi and I grew up in the west.
From my understanding, when a guy wants a girl, he comes over and introduces himself to the father and the family. His whole family comes over at one point too. And then when the families get to know each other more, then I can go out alone with them.
His family has a different way of doing things. He introduced himself to my mother and refused to meet my father as he was afraid my father would want to rush things. I reassured him it wouldn’t be the case but he still didn’t want to. Afterwards, his father kept inviting me alone to his house to meet his family 3-4 times. I refused every time as I didn’t want to be alone and felt it was odd culturally speaking.
Then he asked if I could at least go out with his mom alone. I ref used and requested at least my mom would be there and he agreed. Afterwards, the FMIL requested I go out alone with her again to which I refused again. He claimed that she’s shy and unable to get to know me well with my mother present.
We planned a second outing with both moms, and at the last minute they asked if I could uninvite my own mom to the outing which is unusual.
He keeps begging at the request of his mother that I come to their house alone without the presence of my mom, with no clear answer as to why. I asked him if it’s ok if she comes over to my house as my mother agreed to leave us alone to talk, and he refused. It’s always the same excuse that she wants to get to know me better but is unable to with my mom around.
There are other things as well, he kept asking if I can go out alone with him and publicly date before introducing himself to my dad. Out of nowhere he’s apparently embarrassed about secretly dating.
The weirdest part of this all is that his family wouldn’t allow this for his sisters but for me I’m overreacting and weird and strict.
Recently, he asked to go out with my dad alone, but my dad refused as he doesn’t want my partner to hold it over my head (he has before)
They’ve been extremely pushy and begging me to come alone. Now he’s telling me he doesn’t want to get engaged until I go out with his mom alone. They’re also asking me to go secretly without telling my parents – even though I want my mother as my support system there.
I’m sooooooo weirded out by the desperation. I feel like no one’s being honest with me.
Honestly I’ve had weird nightmares about his family too,idk if it’s intuition or what but she turned into the Beldam from that movie Coraline. Am I overreacting ?
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So many red flags ignoring the culture process. Personally I think you should take him up on canceling the engagement.
I don’t know but it sounds dodgy to me. I’d be blunt and ask him why his family are so insistent on meeting you alone?
This is so unbelievably sketchy, I really can’t think of any good reason they’d demand you be alone that aren’t nefarious
I think you should really consider all aspects of this relationship – you’ve said repeatedly you don’t feel comfortable meeting them alone and they keep trying to push you and force your hand. If they’re not willing to listen to you for this what’s it going to be like when you’re married and have kids?
Go with your gut instinct if it’s giving off red flags, maybe he’s not the one.
Please trust your instincts. If something feels off, it’s because it is!
Errrrm, is all that really worth it?
This seems more like control than anything else. I wouldn’t go on principal now no matter what they want.
Hardly the dream romantic start to a relationship that you could have, in a different relationship.
I cannot speak to the cultural element, and so perhaps my opinion doesn’t matter. But your future husband clearly does not care about your boundaries, and neither does his family. Please listen to your gut on this one. There is something very wrong with what is happening. Stay safe
I’m also an Arab and that’s just weird. By now his family should have already come over to see your parents. Why are they trying to control you and isolate you from your family. They have also disrespected your father by avoiding him. Is this relationship worth all this? It has barely started and it’s already such a drama.
I do not have experience with your culture and when it comes to the dating/courting experience, but one thing I can say is that someone who really wanted you, respected you and your family, and this includes their family, would respect the cultural norms instead of all this back and forth and refusing to do things how they should be done and constantly trying to get you alone. The vibe it’s giving is if you marry this man him and his family will isolate you from yours. Your dad is correct to not feel right about your partner holding something over your head that they shouldn’t be. I would think long and hard how much this man is really worth it. These are the early stages of dating/courting correct? Because if so it shouldn’t be so stressful. It’s a major red flag
No! Asking secrecy, wanting to see you alone without your parents knowing and not in a place that is safe for you, seems the beginning of something that ends up with the police. Also they wouldn’t allow it for their daughter but it’s ok for you? Ahahah no
There are so many men in the world. He’s not worth this. He and his family do not care about you or your family. Why marry someone like that?
OP…There are approximately 934.3 million men on Earth in the 25-35 age range, calculated by adding the 2025 male populations for the 25-29, 30-34, and 35-39 age groups (310 million + 308 million + 316.3 million), according to data from Statistics Times and the World Bank.
Here’s the breakdown:
Ages 25-29: About 309,983,922 men.
Ages 30-34: Approximately 307,791,270 men.
Ages 35-39: Roughly 316,359,051 men (this is an estimate based on World Bank data not explicitly provided as a single number in the search results for 2025, but can be derived). “
There are lots and lots of other men out there.
This guy & his family are walking red flags
I have no real knowledge of your culture, so I ask this question sincerely, can you talk to her on the phone if she doesn’t want to meet with you in person with others there? What would she want to say or ask that she wants to keep hidden? I wouldn’t meet with them alone if your intuition is telling you not to.
This feels like he’s pushing you to go against your cultural norms – the not meeting your father, the pushing for you to meet his mother alone, and did I catch that they were asking you to meet HIS father alone at one point? That would be HIGHLY inappropriate if I’m understanding your culture correctly?
What sense did your mother get of his mother during the girls’ outing?
Honestly I would not date this gentleman.
And my apologies if I do not understand the nuances of your culture, I try to learn more every day. 🙂
this is not Saudi cultural norm either. do not go. only meet his family with your family.
you should probably post this to Saudi subs if there is one
and him not meeting your father is a massive red flag
Very creepy. At this point, I’d be worried I was being set up for a kidnapping, or being lured into a cult. If your boyfriend (potential boyfriend?) isn’t even willing to explain why his family is behaving like this, he’s probably not someone you should get too involved with.
This sounds more like a Dateline episode than an actual proposal. It seems very sketchy that they want you to travel to them alone. That they refuse to meet with your parents or have you travel with either of them. It doesn’t sound safe.
It sounds like a maelstrom of red flags to me.
Dump the fellow, you deserve better than that.
Please OP, listen to your intuition: it is trying to save you.
Read this book on the subject: https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The_Gift_of_Fear
Big hugs 🫂
Refuse! At best this is lack of respect. I’m not sure if my culture transfers well to yours but it looks like an attempt to put you down and test if you humiliate yourself for him, to see if are obedient enough like his mother. I suppose any of this is not even remotely her idea as she probably doesn’t have any independence in this house. Run.
Speaking strictly as a parent, anyone who tries to separate my child from access to me during pivotal decision making times isn’t doing it for anyone’s benefit but their own.
As a general rule, the one who tries to part you from your healthy support system does not have good intentions for you, ever. This is your intuition telling you enough is enough, listen to it.
This is weird. I’m of Indian-Muslim descent but we had a good number of Saudi family friends in my hometown and the girls have never described this kind of behavior before which I know can not stand for all Saudi culture but the fact that it’s weird to you who aren’t completely unfamiliar with their culture and others who have some familiarity does start to add up in my opinion. Plus it just generally makes no sense especially when they give no explanation – how do they benefit from meeting you alone in a place where you have no support and less ability to leave if you want to? Plus your partner is starting to behave strangely too. I’d demand that he be straight with you about the reasons behind these visit requirements and changes in his opinions and behavior with clear indication that if he doesn’t explain things to your satisfaction then you are done and will not see him anymore. This is messed up. I would not have tolerated this from any of the guys my parents tried to set me up with and if they heard someone I was interested in was acting this way and had family making these kinds of demands, they would have strongly advised me to walk away because something isn’t right – and that’s what I would say to any woman I cared about too.
As an example, for my culture, the man’s family should show the respect of coming to the woman’s family’s home to meet her. On the one occasion a family asked for us to go to their home instead (work demands made travel hard for them), they bent over backward trying to make up for the change in custom so that we wouldn’t be offended or think they were being disrespectful of me. Where is your partner’s family’s concern for your opinion of them?
Something is very off. Listen to your gut.
This does not sound good, especially if his mom is completely obedient to the dad and now the dad wants you to defy cultural norms and meet up with him alone. Sounds like a test of your obedience to him.
No good can come from this. I think you need to end this engagement and move on to someone who actually follows the cultural norms
It sounds like they make be planning clitoral removal or circumcision for you.
There would be nobody to stop them if you went alone.
If this is the beginning of the relationship, it will only get worse. I say it’s time to move on.
I don’t think this person and family will be good for you. They don’t show you and your family the respect they want for their daughter. You may be in danger. If you must continue this your father needs to speak in person with this man and both his parents.
As the women on my favorite podcast say “Fuck Politeness”
Listen to your gut.
Are you sure you want to marry him? It sounds like there will be a whole litany of issues down the line. I’d be questioning if it was worth it tbh.
Listen to your gut instinct, say no thanks and stay away from them. If they’re being that weird as to raise red flags, they will not be good for you. Protect yourself, choose wisely.
Uh – don’t do this – there might be a chance you get kidnapped and drugged out of the country….trust your gut this guy and his family are a bag of red flags.
I’m not familiar with your cultural traditions, but I think it’s telling that your dad won’t go out alone with your partner. They way your partner is trying to force you to do things you aren’t comfortable with, is not a good sign. You should be with someone who respects you.
I mean… im a very different culture than you and from a first take of not in your shoes and then a second take trying to put myself in your shoes as much as possible… I dont like this man and his family for you. I dont like the implications and the lack of ability to compromise for you to feel safe.
I don’t like it Sam I am. I dont like this boyfriend or his ham.
Honey, this isn’t normal, even for cultural differences, and even in a desi culture. Nor is it healthy either, but that’s honestly way less of a red flag than the fact that this could be physically dangerous. At best, this is complete disrespect to see how easily they can control you. At worst, this could be a very real plot to do something you would never consent to willingly.
Listen to your gut, he does not have your best interest at heart. You’re mother of all people being there would not be a problem if he did. There is a very real chance that people other than his mother will be there as a trap.
I am in a multicultural relationship. The fact that he and his family are continuously demanding that you meet with his family members alone is a red flag even if they are female. They can ask once and state their preference but anything beyond that is being pushy if you’ve already said no. It would have been more appropriate for them to wait until you offered to meet with them alone when you felt comfortable.
Usually when people make these kinds of unreasonable demands, they are testing your boundaries to see if you are too weak to stand up for yourself. It’s a setup to see if they can take advantage of you or put you in a dangerous situation.
Reading this made me feel fishy. It’s not my culture, but it doesn’t feel right. Why do they want to be alone with you? With no expected supervision??
I’m not from your culture, but just reading that he/his family will not give you answers as to why they’re behaving this way makes me think you should reconsider this relationship. Especially if you have had nightmares about his family; that’s your gut screaming at you to RUN away!
I do not know your culture, but I know a pattern of disrespect when I see it. He doesn’t value you as he should – you say that his family would not allow their daughters to be treated in this way, so why is it good enough for you? You’re his partner. You’re the person he should respect and value above all. He doesn’t. He seeks to manipulate you and undermine your values. I think your own family knows you deserve better than this.
If your cultural expectations are important to you and if they are something that you value, then any partner you deserve will respect you enough to respect your culture – even if they have a different one themselves.
This man has shown many red flags, and this is only the beginning of a potential relationship. I think your life partner should be a better match to you. If he shows this much disrespect to your values now in the early days, imagine how much more could come once you’re tied together with marriage or children.
Just dump him. This is too much bullshit to deal with for the rest of your life. Because this is just the tip of the crazy iceberg
This screams red flags to me. Are you sure he is the right person for you?
I am not of your culture so I do not understand all of it. That being said your intuition is telling you it’s off listen to it. I agree with the statements said from the others do not do it. Stay safe and move on. Can you have either of your parents tell him that this isn’t going to work ?
Good luck stay well.
Run. I don’t know or adhere to these rules but it seems out of the norm and unnecessarily pushy.
What are your parents opinions?
Honestly he is not respecting your comfort or boundaries.
He and his family seem to want to put you in a situation where you can be ambushed. I’m 99% certain if you agree to meet his mom alone his dad will also show up and you will not be with your support system. There is no reason why his mom cannot get to know you while your mom is there.
🚩What kind of questions does his mom want to ask you without your mom around?? 🚩
Find someone who respects you, he is not the one.
These meetings, however they happen, are to assess compatibility of the couple. Obviously, this includes compatibility from the point of view of joining two families. I would say that the many many discussions you have had about these meetings has already achieved that aim. You have clearly established that there is not sufficient compatibility in how the two families operate. If I were you, I would see it as a very positive process that now has to finish. Nobody has to be right or wrong. It is just clear that there is no way forward, given the personality types and different cultures and dynamics of your families. That’s all.
No matter how a culture treats the dating process, the aim is still the same. Assess compatibility. In this particular case, there is not sufficient compatibility to go forward. Start again, with somebody else. Do not be tempted to try and fit in, and force a false compatibility. It will not be sustainable, even if big compromises are made now. A couple of small compromises on both sides are very reasonable. They seem unwilling or incapable of doing this.
I also wonder if there is something that their family needs to tell you, that they do not want to say in front of your parents? Much as this might be slightly intriguing? It is also inappropriate, and not something you should entertain doing. They should be putting all their cards on the table. So even though they are exhibiting a different way of dating to what you are used to, it is not just different but has some worrying aspects. Concentrate on that part. Small differences can be overcome, but small red flags turn into big red flags and can ruin the rest of your life. Go with your gut.
Girl trust your intuition
I’m not a part of your culture, but this is strange to me.
If his family wouldn’t let his sisters go anywhere alone, why are they expecting it of you? Why are they so insistent?
Even your dad wouldn’t meet him alone, because he knows he will lord it over you. Someone else in the comments said it could be a test to see if you are weak or easily led. I think that has grounds here.
Trust your gut. If they are overbearing just now, imagine what they would be like if you got married? Walk away, and to hell with all their demands.
That is odd behavior from him and his family. Really odd behavior. If he can’t explain to you specifically what is going on to your satisfaction, I’d end it.
Run! Do not involve yourself any further with him, or his family.
I have no knowledge of middle eastern customs, so I can’t address differences in culture, etc. I don’t think you’re over-reacting. I think it’s weird weird weird that he doesn’t want to become engaged until you go out with his mother alone. How badly do you want to marry this man and become a part of his family? If you think they are pushy now, how pushy will they become if you marry into the family?
The hypocrisy is the red flag for me. I don’t see a good future with that.
The whole trying to isolate you and get you physically away from your family is a giant red flag.
I’m sorry but if any father of a guy I dated wanted to go out ALONE with him, F that.
You need to use your female intuition. Your gut is telling you something is fishy, their actions say something is fishy. Something IS fishy.
The fact his mom won’t come to your house and be there while your mom gives your privacy, why is that not acceptable? They want you away from your family, in an environment they control. Regardless of cultural background and religion – that’s screaming something bad is going to happen.
You are 100% correct, why is it ok for you to go out with them alone, but his sisters can’t?! It’s almost like they are trying to “ruin” your reputation within the culture by pushing that issue. This way it’s their word against yours.
I’m also not from your culture but if there’s one thing I know: trust your gut.
If it feels weird to you, it feels weird. No relationship is worth pushing past your spidey senses for.
Never trust anyone that pushes you to do things that they wouldn’t allow their own relatives do. Break up with him.
What sort of b people ask you to keep secrets from your parents??? Very suspicious. Run.
so much stuff can be chalked up to cultural difference but if this is a double standard compared to how this guy’s sisters are treated, that’s really all you need to know. steer clear, these people are already collectively applying pressure (including the guy you’re interested in) and that will only get worse with time. wait till someone who deeply respects you is willing do what it takes, accept nothing less!
I’m thinking maybe she wants to ask you questions about your previous dating history/virginity stuff that she doesn’t want to do in front of your mother. As other’s have said, don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with. There are plenty more fish in the sea.
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A lot has already been said so I’m just going to drop a book recommendation that you should read –
“Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft.
Do not go anywhere alone with these people. I am getting major kidnapping vibes.
I can only offer my perspective, I have no experience in your culture. But based on what you’ve said how courting usually goes in your culture, the fact they keep trying to get you to secretly see them alone, no support or back up if something happened, this is giving me bad vibes for either kidnapping, trafficking, or grape and unaliving. Something is severely wrong, and the lack of respect and following of your cultural courting standards shows that.
Never go alone. Never be alone. Please break this courtship for your safety.
Ask point blank why exactly does FMIL want with you by going to see her alone?
Listen to your (correct) instincts. They are bullying you with their pressure tactics.
It doesn’t sound respectful of your culture’s courtship etiquette nor good for your safety to go alone to see his mother. I’d end this immediately, as there is no good reason for you to be alone with these people.
I want you to think of every time you’ve ignored a gut feeling and regretted it. Don’t do that anymore, k? I’m not getting a good feeling about this.
Too many red flags…trust your instincts…and when people show you who they are believe them.
I have no idea of the cultural norms, but you hit it on the head. It sounds like no one is being honest and the entire situation sounds incredibly sus.
Red flags all over the place here. Tread carefully!
I think you would be in danger if you do this. I also think you are in danger if you stay with this guy. Your inner voice is warning you- listen to it please.
Do you all live in the West? Does his extended family still live in the M.E.?
This definitely sounds worrisome, and even if there is nothing directly dangerous happening, the fact that they are asking you to be disrespectful and lie to your own parents (and even before being engaged, at that!) is weird and not okay, especially as you’ve stated your boundaries multiple times.
I hope you consider ending this relationship and working to find another with a man who respects your own personal boundaries as well as your own family’s cultural needs, not just their own.
You deserve better than in-laws who you have nightmares about 🩶
Not sure why my gut feeling says they want to kidnap you. It’s incredibly weird that they are so incessant about meeting alone with you without anyone else. It’s strange. How old are you and this man if you don’t mind me asking? If he’s a lot older, this makes me even more worried.
See me?? I’d be outta there. They are very odd and weird and their requests rather bizarre.
I wouldn’t trust any of them. How old are you? How old is your fiance / proposed partner? I think something very suspicious going on here. Avoid them at all costs.
Very bad vibes all round with this one. I agree it almost sounds to the point that they want to kidnap you or something. Usually, in almost every culture I know of? Relatives and parents WANT to get together and meet each other to suss out the whole family! Why they want to get you alone is really worrying. DO NOT do it.
How well do you even know this man you are proposing marrying? What does HE actually say about all this? Why can’t he answer your questions? Doesn’t seem you know him very well or can even have honest conversations with him. Why do you really want to marry him?
Girl, run from this man and his weird ass family. I married an Arab man (Palestinian) and our interactions were exactly what you describe wanting. The fact that they’re trying to get you alone makes me feel uneasy. There are PLENTY of men in the sea. If he and his family are already acting like this and you’re not even engaged, your life with him will be awful.
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Nope!
This is definitely off. you need to get out of this relationship and away from this strangely demanding family. If this is what they are like before you get married then you will be a prisoner after you’re married. Please don’t trust any of them, protect yourself.
Run
Something is wrong with them pushing you to do things like that when it’s against your culture. Please be safe💕
I don’t know much about the culture but if they are giving you different expectations from their own daughter that doesn’t sound good. At best it sounds like they want you to give them something to hold over you and to control you with. Wanting you to keep secrets from your own family is also not a small thing, it would be different if you were at odds with your family or trying to escape them, but it sounds like your relationship is good with your family – so why would they want to potentially endanger that? I’d consider he doesn’t want to get engaged to someone he can’t boss around into doing things they don’t want to do, and I don’t think you want to be engaged to someone who doesn’t respect you and pushes you to do things you don’t want to do.
Your intuition is trying to tell you something. I really hope you listen to everyone here telling you to run
He asked, but refused to respect your no. THAT is why he can’t be trusted. He does not respect what you want unless it’s EXACTLY what he wants. This will get so much worse if you agree to marry him
They want you to go ALONE to an unfamiliar place, where you will be surrounded by unfamiliar people?
In any culture that is unsafe
Why are they so determined that you not have anybody with you? Why do they keep pushing the issue when you offer completely reasonable alternatives?
This feels like they’re planning something – and having your mother there to help protect you will get in the way of their plans.
Run away! If it is this bad before getting married, just imagine how it will be after that!