This happened to me and the guy knew a bit about my personal life not much since it was only the 2nd date and he randomly talked about rape. Up until that moment I found him to be very trustworthy. I am a SA survivor and this convo left me feeling re traumatized.
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I cant imagine this is a common experience… right? Guys?
I’ve never brought this up, nor has any of the guys I’m friends with afaik
Wait… what the hell? I‘m so sorry you met an asshole.
Never ever heard about that in a casual conversation. All the guys I know, including myself, are extremely sensitive when it comes to that matter. It’s nothing you randomly discuss on a date or whatever
This is not normal.
Not normal at all. I’ve been on many dates in my life, but this never happened to me. If it would happen tho, I’d be scared immediately and ghost. Absolutely not.
Huge red flag, should have gone no contact after that.
How the hell did he try to just casually go about bringing up rape as a casual date topic??? Im very curious to know what exactly the conversation looked like, not because im doubting you or anything, thats just wild
Because a lot of men have very questionable experiences with women regarding sexual encounters in their past and now they’re trying to gauge how far they can push it without being called out for their shitty behavior..
That is pretty concerning.
The way I see it, at best, it was an off-color tone-deaf remark / statement that he should have kept on the inside.
Still not a good topic for any date let alone a second date.
Sorry to hear about that. Probably best to just cut it off early if he’s going to traumatize you with conversations about triggering topics like that.
That or you need to set a very very clear list of boundaries with him.
This was not a normal conversation and you’re right to react the way you are.
RUN
I have so many questions. Nobody ever just starts talking about rape entirely unprompted, right? There has to be some segue even for filterless people, surely? What the hell did he say?
Complete lack of filter or empathy , best avoided.
I would say it’s pretty damn weird and concerning if a man randomly talks about rape on a date with a woman…
Not normal.
Also not normal for a woman to bring up rape on the first date.
Run – in either case.
It’s definitely not normal to bring up.
That’s not normal. I’ve never brought that up with anyone.
“why do men” lol
Doesn’t need to be brought up. That has no value I can see in a conversation on a date.
I had a dude bring up physical assault on a breakfast date. granted we were talking about how we respond to anger, and he chose to go into a story about him assaulting an ex.
thanks for the heads up, now queue the exit music…
I’m 75M
First off, I have no idea why some men would randomly bring up the subject of rape on a date. Not really something that would be on my mind at such a time. Actually, something never on my mind without good reason. Such as a case that was especially unusual on the news recently, or thinking about a case that involved someone I personally knew which had come up recently. Note the recently thing. As I don’t tend to think about rapes that I knew about that occurred ‘back then’ sometime. It’s not a subject normally on my mind.
That said, even if a case had been on the news just before a date, it’s not really the kind of discussion I’d want to ruin the mood of a date with.
So … I don’t know why the guy brought it up. And you provide no context for it, as in just how did he bring it up … in what context?
If he just brought it up out of the blue, I’d just have to guess as to his motivations. And the last thing I’d guess is that he’s a closet rapist. A guy actually thinking about wanting to rape a woman is highly unlikely to just start talking about it.
I’d almost be tempted to think he’s one of those Redditor’s always talking about CNC, rape role play, etc. Very clumsily feeling you out to see if you might have such fantasies.
Otherwise … I have not a darn clue.
Myself I avoid all talk of rape whenever possible. My wife was almost raped, was assaulted with the intent, and had the crap beat out of her. Occurred before we met. But when we started getting to know each other it came up as she had a lot of trust issues. I loved her, and the thought of what happened to her broke my heart. Then many years later, one of my granddaughters was actually raped. Beat to a pulp, and forcefully raped. We’d been out attending a local celebration she did not wish to attend. Came home to find her hiding in the closet of her bedroom, bruised and bleeding. At age 14.
Fuck, I just teared up typing that.
Anyway, sorry, those are my thoughts about it. A possible rapist? Doesn’t seem like it. A bit weird … yeah.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. A date randomly bringing up rape especially without context or sensitivity is a huge red flag. Even if he didn’t know the full extent of your history, it’s still deeply inappropriate and shows a lack of empathy or social awareness. You’re not overreacting for feeling retraumatized. You deserve to feel safe and respected on a date.
I’m a man and have a group of friends who are also all men. While we sometimes talk about our girlfriends and women who we’re dating, never in my life have I or any of my friends mentioned talking about this on a date. In fact, if somebody did say this, I would promptly ask them: WTF is wrong with you? Did you hit your head or something?
I did once almost invite a guy over but had expressed being nervous and he was like “oh don’t worry I’d never rape you”
????? who says that
we didn’t hang out
Rape is not a date topic, unless it’s about criminal law. Which it ain’t
What do you mean when you say casually talked about rape? How did that come up?
It’s him raising a red flag. I’ve had it happen thanks to online dating: they seem nice on the app, I schedule a public date, they break out something like this, and then I very abruptly realize why they’re on a dating app.
As a guy who had many dates in the past, I never brought it up. None of my guys friends mentioned it in passing, at least as I can recall. So what the OP experienced is unusual and strange, in my opinion.
That being said, I don’t think we know about enough about the context to be 100% certain. Like, if the guys said “I’m really into CNC and rape fantasies”. I would find that scary and upsetting.
If they guy said “I want you to know that I was raped and abused as a kid so I have trouble sharing my feelings” that has quite a different spin to it. Still odd and unusually, especially for a second date. Over-sharing for sure and awkward as hell. Maybe even a good reason to block the guy.
My point is not to argue or dismiss what the OP is feeling. Given her past, this is an extremely sensitive topic that understandable upset her.
But I am not sure we can say the guy was 100% a scary asshole without a bit more info. Maybe his inappropriate conversation comes from dealing with his own trauma and baggage.
🚩🚩🚩🚩
How did he bring it up???
Any chance he knew about your SA history? I only ask because I’ve noticed this weird thing with some people that I’ve disclosed my own rape to, they suddenly bring up rape way more often when I’m around and not in very appropriate ways. It’s like it’s some form of specific social anxiety where it’s on their mind because I’m there and instead of being normal they can’t handle it and just say the wildest shit.
Thats a red flag and gross to bring that up on a date
Id say so too to them
Years ago, I met my guy’s brother for the first time. My guy went out to smoke, leaving me alone with the older brother. The first question out of his mouth was “How do women allow themselves to be raped? If it was me, I’d fight….”
I was too shocked to give a nuanced answer, but I did say that, by the time the ‘act’ takes place, the woman has -already- fought and has decided not to risk further harm/death. (More nuanced would include the ‘freeze’ response.)
…I think he did so because he’s an asshole. I haven’t seen him in a decade now.
That’s scary. I wouldn’t see him again.
Weird af definitely more of a 3rd date topic
I’ve never done that.
But, a lot of guys when told not to talk about something have to talk about it. Maybe?
Because they’re thinking about it. Either because they’re considering doing it to you or because they know you’re worried about it and they’re obsessively trying not to make you think they’re gonna do it. Sometimes rapists will bring it up on purpose to see how you react and use that info to gaslight or manipulate you later. They’re boundary testing and if you don’t stand up for yourself they know you probably won’t fight back or report them.