Recently my boyfriend (47M) is saying he is sick of the cycle where I (50F) start a fight every two weeks. The problem is I’m not starting fights. For example, over the past few days he has been saying he needs space. So, yesterday I text him and told him that I would give him space for the next month (he is overwhelmed and has a lot going on in May). He got mad and claims I was trying to start a fight by saying that. When I asked him how that text came across as starting a fight, he said it was because I didn’t mean it.
I’m wondering if I’m unknowingly starting fights or is this his issue?
I want to fix this if it’s on me.
TL;DR – why would a text to my bf (50F/47M) telling him I’ll give him space come across like I was trying to start a fight?
Comments
There’s not enough info here for us to be very helpful without speculating a lot maybe consider some couples’ therapy? There’s some stuff going on here that we’re missing. Stuff the two of you may not be fully aware of even.
“Hey I need some space”
“Ok I won’t talk to you for a month”
Can you share a couple of specific examples of these conflicts that have been happening every two weeks? What are the things you argue about were things escalate?
I think he didn’t want a full month of silence in your end. You took his simple request and blew it up into something ridiculous. … As if you wanted to start a fight.
I have no idea about your relationship and there is not enough info.
All I know (from experience) is that sometimes your partner just wants you to be there but not there as yourself. He wants you as he wants you and not as you want to be around him. Sometimes I have wanted my partner to just sit by me and not talk to me. And sometimes my partner has wanted me to help her with something but not say anything.
Just a guess.
Did he ask for space for a month? That’s a long time. If he just meant for a few days and you came back with a month, I could see how he thought that.
A month seems extreme? It seems more like a petulant reaction to his comment that he needs space than a good faith effort to give him space. That said, needing space is also generally not how issues in adult relationships are solved.
How long have you been together, and how long have you been fighting?
This seems like a communication issue. What does he mean by “space?”
Instead of “fine I’ll leave you alone for a month” you could’ve said “oh okay, I can do that. Is there anything else I can also do to help?” And leave it at that.
Your suggestion at face value sounds passive aggressive.
I think your bf is gaslighting you. He either wants you to end up being super passive and docile so you “don’t start fights” and go along with what he says….or he wants you to end the relationship so he doesn’t have to. He will just continuously push your buttons and accuse you of making the relationship worse until you end ut because he is too much of a coward.
I had to check the ages again just to make sure I didn’t see my own things…
“I need space”
“Okay I won’t talk to you for a month”
This would be immature if it was two 17 year olds. At your age, you KNOW what you’re saying. You know what you’re doing. And given that you’re 50, you’re unlikely to change.
When someone uses a metaphor that isn’t clear like, I need “space,” you are welcome to ask, “just so I understand you clearly, could you explain what giving you space would look like? I want to make sure I’m supporting you the way you need.”
The core reason for misunderstandings is usually because people assume/interpret things differently when things are vague. (But someone being vague is not your responsibility to fix. However, when you notice them being vague, you can help them to be more clear if you are willing.)
Simple analogy is: “what’s 4+12?”
Most people would answer it like a math question, “16.” However, if someone were to answer “it’s some number,” it begins to fall outside of the expected dialogue. The person could feel unheard or ignored, as if their question was being purposely unanswered.
Maybe he took “for a month” to be facetious. There may be underlying resentment on his end as to why he would interpret such a phrase to be “starting a fight”. As other comments have mentioned, there’s too much context missing in your relationship.
Feel free to reach out if you’re looking for more support. I’m a relationship coach that helps people feel seen and heard and equip them to make their loved ones feel seen and heard.
Well, DID you mean it?
Yeah, as some have said, there is probably alot of more history here than just that text and without knowing a bit more, I don’t feel comfortable giving advice either way tbh.
It sounds like you texted him out of the blue to announced that you wouldn’t be speaking to him for a month because he asked for space. That comes off as very malicious-compliance-y. A bit like when someone responds to a criticism with “FINE I must be THE WORST I’ll never darken your door again since I’m such a BURDEN.”
Maybe we aren’t getting some important context, but the way you wrote it, which presumably you feel is reasonable and flattering to you, comes off pretty bad.
I’d feel super abandoned if I said I need space and my gf said ok I won’t talk to you for a month then…. Like that immediately reads as punitive to me.
If he’s asking for space why not ask him what that looks like, ask him maybe how he’d like you to reach out, if maybe he would prefer you simply wait for him to tell you he has time to talk like. Maybe he would like to be the one to initiate conversation for a while because he’s really overwhelmed and only wants to talk to you when he can give you his best self instead of taking out the stress on you. This is all conjecture ofc but you see how this gives him the benefit of the doubt in his intentions?
And then you tell him, and (here’s the kicker) you have to really mean it, you’ll be happy to hear from him when he reaches out and if he needs anything to ask you and you’ll keep yourself busy while he gets his shit straightend out. This reassures him that he can ask for what he needs from you and you will still care, that you aren’t mad and the relationship isn’t in jeopardy because of what he needs.
Men do go through menopause.
Aka
Man-O-pause.
Maybe he needs a physical and his hormone levels checked.