My daughter is 16, shes the oldest, we have 4 other kids, and our baby is 4 weeks old. All my other kids (elementary ages & 1 toddler) adores their baby brother and always wants to help out which I love but I have certain boundaries with what they can and can’t do, my daughter has never been forced to help. When our second child was born (she was 8) and she would always wanna help, when our child before this baby was born (she was 14) and she would practically beg to help, to feed baby, to help with story time, etc
Now? She comes home for school, says hi to me, says hi to her sister (she’s 2), goes to her room, don’t come out until dinner, and goes back. Whenever she’s out of her room she will play with her siblings and she’ll practice her baking by making them treats like cookies, brownies, etc and whenever she’s in the room with the baby she’ll ignore him. Don’t wanna hold him, feed him, pick out an outfit, etc nothing that I thought she would be okay with. I’m not gonna force her to do ANYTHING for her siblings but I just thought she would at least wanna be around her baby brother.
Yesterday, i say her down to see if there was a reason maybe depression? Or jealousy? IDK I WAS THINKING OF EVERYTHING!! I asked her “Do you like having siblings?” She said of course, “Do you have a good relationship with your siblings?” She said yeah, “How do you feel about your baby brother?” And she went quiet and she didn’t answer it. Does anyone have an idea why she’s acting this way??
Comments
maybe she knows something you don’t about who fathered the baby
Some teens – and adults, for that matter – just don’t find babies or small children interesting. They eat, sleep and poop. That’s it.
Older kids often resent the expectation that they help with child care. They consider it a chore.
My advice is not to try to force a relationship. Your teen may develop one later when the brother is older, less dependent on others for care and capable of interacting on a more meaningful level.
Sounds like you’ve got yourself a teenager.
Seriously though, I’m going to guess that she didn’t like the idea of having another baby in the house and she might feel afraid that if she pays attention to it then she’ll get roped into changing diapers and feeding it.
Assuming you have a good and comfortable relationship with your daughter, your best angle here is to sit down and just ask her why, and let her explain without fear of you reacting negatively. Let her tell the truth and you have to listen without judgement.
Sounds like she just needs space right now. At 16, her life and identity are changing fast, and a newborn might feel like a big shift in family dynamics. Give her time, keep the communication open, and find one small, low-pressure way for her to connect with the baby (like picking out a song for him) without expectation.
How often do you force her to watch her siblings and miss out on things?
At 16 children begin to sees themselves as separate beings from their parents. She’s got a lot on her plate and you having a fifth child was probably not something she thought was going to happen. It could even be as simple as she does not see you and her dad as sexual beings. Or it could be the amount of attention she is getting has plummeted now you are looking after a 4 week old.
She’s probably counting the days when she can move out and establish her own adult identity.
Maybe she doesn’t want to get too attached. She’s hopefully got at least half an eye on going to university in a couple of years. If she’s close with the baby, that would be a wrench for both of them.
Better to let them be distant for now. They can have a different relationship when she’s older and more established
Edit: I see you deleted the comment where you said that she wouldn’t be staying on campus. I think you’re absolutely insane if you think she’s going to be living at home with three kids and a toddler while trying to focus on her future. Of course she’s going to leave. Whether she does so on good or bad terms is up to you.
My grandma had my youngest aunt 12 years after my mom (she had 6 miscarriages in that time). My mom didn’t want to get looped into caring for a baby because my grandma was too busy/too tired/too anything to do it. Other than the obvious “she’s a 16 year old” I’d say with the other kids she’s learned “I don’t want all the work of babies at this point in life”
It’s not unusual. I’ve seen a lot of teens pull back from the “helper” role once they’re older. At 16, she’s at a point where she’s figuring herself out, and hanging around a newborn may not feel exciting.
It doesn’t mean she won’t bond, just that right now she’s showing love to the family in other ways, like baking for her siblings
Man, tbh, it sounds like she’s just growing up. At 16, her world’s mostly about friends, school, maybe her first job or being on the brink of a big life change like college. Expecting to help with a kid might feel like an unwanted adult responsibility she’s not ready for. Plus, navigating teenage years is tough af, so maybe give her some slack. Talk to her without pushing or prying, might work. She’ll come around eventually. We’ve all been 16 once, right? Remember? 😉
Five kids is a lot for any family. She’s a teen so this is probably the first baby where she’s had that conscious realization of “ew my parents had a-e-x and made a baby, that’s gross”. Even though that’s of course how she and her siblings were created it can feel weird for a teen. She may feel that you are “too old” or any type of other set of teen emotions. I’ve got a large gap with my sibling and years later she explained how it was weird, ick, and on some level she felt that our mother had another child many years later because she didn’t feel that her children were enough and needed a “better” one. It doesn’t mean any of those feels are accurate or fair but emotions aren’t fair and being a teen is a hormonal developmental landscape of land mines. Make sure she gets good quality 1:1 time with you and be patient. If she shares hard feelings don’t explain why her feels are wrong but instead that you appreciate her vulnerability and honesty about her feelings.
Sounds like resentment.
She’s 16 and she isn’t interested in a baby, some people think babies aren’t all that interesting. It sounds like otherwise she’s a solid kid and treats the rest of her family okay and I’m sure she’ll adjust to the new kid
Man, I feel ya. But honestly? Just cuz she’s not all cooing over the baby doesn’t mean she ain’t cool with him. She’s 16 & prob dealing with her own teenage stuff, school stress, friends, etc. Maybe the new baby thing ain’t that exciting anymore. Give it some time, she’ll come around. Fwiw, she sounds like a good kid. Treats for siblings & all that. Her silence might just be her teen self figuring things out. Don’t stress it too much, man. Just keep doing you. She’ll open up when she’s ready. 👍👍
Maybe she thought four kids was enough with having three siblings and now there’s a fourth. Maybe it’s overwhelming. Five kids takes up a lot of time and space. She is a teenager now offend her likes and dislikes have probably changed. Babies are less interesting than funny little kids.
Older children (teens and up) have way more jealousy issues with a new sibling than younger kids and toddlers. They see it as you wanting another shot at raising a kid because you were not satisfied with the kids you have. She is working through those feelings and probably feeling guilty about having them which leads her to avoid the baby. Its not just teen age moodiness and do not imply that to her.
It sounds like she wants to think of things like college, not things like being Mommy’s little helper.
It sounds like she’s the oldest by several years, if the other kids are still in elementary school. She probably wants to separate herself from the concept that she’s in training to be another baby machine.
Respectfully, she may have some valid subconscious feelings about her place in the family and how much attention she gets with 4 much needier younger siblings. She seems like she’s still a great kid if she’s baking for the little ones, and spending time on them. I would step up any one-on-one time you can give her, but otherwise don’t guilt or nag her over the baby. She’ll come around.
Just speculating wildly, I wonder if someone said something rude about her having a lot of siblings or the large age gap and she’s internalized it or doesn’t know how to respond and just went silent. I remember being a teen and worrying my mom would be pregnant when I was an adult and wanting to start my own family because our family kept growing. It was silly, yes. But people say wildly inappropriate things about big families and big age gaps. Teens can’t sort out the ridiculousness. That or she knows how babies are made now and she’s still coming to terms with it. Or she’s just being a teen. Sometimes they don’t even know why they do what they do.
I’m saying this as a mother, I’m not childfree or anything like that.
Having a fourth kid when your eldest is 16 is selfish and irresponsible.
She now has even less attention from you, less quiet time at home, less money maybe. You’re forcing her into an unpleasant situation, and you’re so removed from her that you don’t even understand how teenagers think and why she would be disinterested with the child.
It’s done now, there’s obviously no way to change anything, but you should be communicating with her more to see how her emotional needs can be met properly, what points are bothering her the most, and how she (who is still a child in case you’ve forgotten) can still feel she has a real place as herself in the family, not just as a big sister.
When’s the last time you did something fun with just your daughter? Is it possible she’s feeling pushed to the side because all your attention is on your youngest?
She’s tired of dealing with kids. How often do you expect her to take care of her siblings?
Give her time! Once he is responsive she will come around.
it sounds like she might be going through a phase of adjusting to the new family dynamic. sometimes, older siblings can feel a bit distant or unsure about a new baby. give her some space, but also keep the door open for conversation when she’s ready.
She’s 16. Her priorities should be social. Y’all made this baby, she doesn’t have to be excited about it . 16 years is a huge spread, she may never have a close relationship with this kid. She’ll be off and living her own life before that kid has memories. They also might be super close because of the gap. Either way, it’s you baby and as long as she isn’t hating the baby, she shouldn’t be ‘confronted’ about not fawning over the baby.
Babies are a lot of work, maybe she feels like she shouldn’t have to participate in “helping”. Maybe she has convinced herself that to y’all just “helping” is to her “raising someone else’s child”. Maybe she just doesn’t want that responsibility.
This is the stage she’s in. She sounds healthy. You’ve done well not to demand a lot of child care from her. Maybe she’s subconsciously protecting herself against getting too attached so she can focus on becoming independent as she’s at that stage. It’s hard to leave younger siblings. Plus, a 16 year old girl who spends a lot of time caring for a baby might get baby hunger and that would be quite disruptive to her further planning and education. She might be subconsciously protecting herself and her brother from that. Sounds like she’s already quite attached to her little sister
It could be a combination of many things
She’s 16yr old so could be looking for some independence. Hormones , being moody , being antisocial , a teenager.
Maybe after doing all those things for three other children she is feeling put upon. Maybe she wants to have ‘her life’ and feels like you’re placing an expectation on her that she is going to be looking after the baby ( feeding, changing diapers etc) when she doesn’t want to do that
She’s just a teenager, that’s kinda the only explanation. Interests and moods change quickly. She’s also the oldest in a family of 5, which is daunting. She’s probably just trying to take her space while she has it, because soon she won’t be able to ignore the baby.
I mean, she’s been helping you take care of YOUR kids since she was 8.
Maybe she wishes you’d stop having kids already.
I can’t imagine you’re fully present in her life with two elementary aged kids, a toddler and an infant.
She is a totally different person from 14 to 16. It’s not the baby, it’s the teen years. The less your force it the more likely she is to come around. Teenage girls are an impossible puzzle to solve, because even they don’t know why they’re upset sometimes. You’ll be ok, just go numb lol
Your teen daughter is the oldest of five?
I suspect that she’s tired of having to “help”. I know you feel she was completely enthusiastic and excited to help with the first three…and maybe she was, but she’s changed.
She’s 16, and looking forward to her own future. Instead of going on college/trade school visits and discussing her dreams, you and her father are focusing on another baby.
Make time for just her. Leave the others at home and take her out for a lunch date and catch up with her. Better yet, engage in some hobby she enjoys but doesn’t get to do much because of the little kids.
Whether you intended to or not, from the reactions you’ve described, it sounds like your eldest daughter feels like she was “parentified”. You say she doesn’t HAVE to do anything, but your teenager may feel pressured to do more…and they aren’t her kids, particularly not “ANOTHER BABY” that she never asked for. She may not see that your intentions are pure, that you really don’t need her to do anything for the other kids.
You won’t ever learn what her thoughts are if you don’t encourage her by spending time alone with her. Pretty soon she’ll be grown and gone, so treat this time with her like it’s precious, because it is.
She’s 16. A teen wants nothing to do with a newborn that’s normal. Your comment said she wasn’t thrilled about a new baby. Again she’s 16 and probably thinking about college and now is worried about finances or it could just be she’s not interested in a newborn because she’s busy with school and social life. You won’t know until you have a conversation with her. Go out to lunch just the 2 of you can check in with her
She might not be happy about you having another kid. Were finances tight before the baby? Was time tight before the baby? Does she feel pushed out, maybe?
Could be that she’s just getting tired of every few years there’s another baby. Even if she’s not responsible for the care of the child the dynamics of the house change. Babies need so much and that takes away from the other kids even if you try to balance your attention. She might feel like she needs to step up with the other kids since you are focused on the new baby.
At 16 she probably has a lot going on and might feel like she’s already stretched thin with her other younger siblings and now you’ve added another baby to the mix and it’s just too much for her.
Honestly? She has a lot of sibling already she’s probably over having another one. I can’t say I blame her, 5 kids in one house is a lot. That would potentially be frustrating for a teen.
She sounds like a normal teen. Also, it’s likely she can’t understand why you had a fourth child. It’s a lot, and maybe you have tons of resources and everything is fine. I’m just guessing because you are asking. Give her some space, it’s only been 4 weeks. How much do you expect? Also, maybe she knows the baby is going to take even more resources and even if she is hiding in her room, like a normal teen, she needs her mom still. You sound sweet and I am not trying to be be unkind, just honest opinion.
She is 16 and has a lot going on in her own life. Instead of worrying about her relationship with your infant, are you asking her how she is doing. How things are going in her life? Try focusing on her without bring up her siblings.
She’s probably sick of you having babies and secretly expecting her to be exultant about another person in the house
As the oldest and former parentified kid, I think it’s unreasonable and unrealistic to expect your daughter to take an interest in a sibling who’s technically one generation behind her.
She may also be concerned that you’re having too many kids (you’re not), but there’s a lot of Reddit stories I’ve seen where moms keep popping out babies, and it can make the older ones feel displaced, or trapped. You say you don’t force her to help with the baby, but she’s definitely been helping you with the child care of her other siblings, and you’ve not really acknowledged that.
Let her have some more freedom. She deserves it. She may be afraid to tell you that, but she’s old enough to want to start pulling away, and she needs that time to figure out who she is.
She’s been “helping” you since she was eight years old. She’s at the age where college and trade school are close to reality and is probably concerned about what sort of support, not just financial, she’s going to have going forward, since you have another young child taking attention.
And most adults who parentify do not admit it, to others or themselves. I’m betting she would tell a very different story than you present here.
You can always ask her too that is she okay with the change in the household. Sometimes its a lot you know… did you remarry?
Im gonna be brutally honest
She probably thinks you shouldnt have had another baby and ks resentful. She doesnt have any other safe way to express this because she fears you would shame or guilt her.
The truth is having a 4th kid absolutly impacts the others negatively. Your daughter is finishing up her highschool years and was probably looking forward to not having a toddler in the house for her very important junior and senior years. Now her parents attention is even more divided, funds are tighter and living with young kids is frustrating! You say she doesnt need to help out but its clear her siblings are very attached to her and she feels the need to, but she literally just doesnt have enough mental energy to be a good sibling to 3 kids.
This comment section is fascinating. Talking about the baby as if it’s a random kid and not her sibling. It’s also fascinating how larger families have divides with siblings not caring for each other’s existence. I think it’s strange, but that’s clearly an unpopular opinion here. Family means different things to different people.
She does acknowledge him. You have expectations that she “should” spend more time with your newborn. Why isn’t the love, care and interaction she DOES show enough for you?
I have a friend who was a teenager when her mother had a baby, and initially, she was angry about it. She did become very attached to her baby sister, and they grew up very close, but maybe your daughter is angry about you having another baby.
She is a teenager. This sounds normal to me.
Also, she is in high school and possibly now looking into college. This can be a very difficult time for any teenager. Does anyone ask her how SHE is doing? Do you spend time with HER (and just her) alone? She isn’t a little kid anymore and deserves some one on one time to discuss and talk about what is going on in her life without the constant talk of her younger siblings. Take her out to lunch, go shopping (anything she is into) and don’t spend your time together talking about your other kids.
Don’t take it to heart. My sister was 12 almost 13 when I was born. She didn’t engage with me at all because she just wanted to go do her own thing like most teenagers. We didn’t build a relationship until adulthood. And that’s fine. She is becoming an adult and part of that is finding out who she is outside her family. It’s a little sad, but it is also very normal.
Could be she’s afraid to be tagged as the built-in baby sitter. I remember this from friends in school that had younger siblings. They were a little resentful.
I think she’s probably worried about being responsible for the baby at a pivotal time in her life. There’s a big difference between eight and 16 all eight-year-old girls love babies teenagers not so much.
She’s tired of you having kids