It seems like every time I go out, I see more and more lonely people. And it’s sad. And I used to think the dating scene was trash. Like all I found were not normal women. Like most just see you as an option. And I couldn’t find a girl who didn’t have problems. Like them being rude, judgmental, ignoring you, and being stuck up. So if I struggled, I can only imagine other people! I’m so grateful I found my current gf. And when I’m with her, I just feel bad for others because I hope they find someone too. Because it’s like a miracle that i found her. Because I was single for 5+ years!
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Feminism and men not wanting to marry
Ghosting is extremely common. And the use of dating apps makes everyone feel like they can string people along until they find someone better
Everyones self obsessed, misinformed, addicted to attention and sexual validation and busy
A lot of negativity on both sides of the table
The was an idea floated around a while ago concerning people and being unhappy about finding clothing they wanted to wear. The essence was that we have so many options that people assume they could find exactly what they want and then when they can’t they blame themselves for the failure.
I feel like people treat it like an all you can eat buffet, especially apps. My experience in London was a lot of ghosting, and guys after sex but pretending they wanted something more in their profiles. I’m very selective, and still experienced a lot of pushiness. People have so many choices now that they don’t need to commit. There’s a group on Facebook for working out if you’re dating the same guy… because it’s become a thing. Several of my friends have found out the hard way. I’m not saying it’s just men that do it – I feel like it’s the dating scene as a whole especially in big cities.
My single friends are struggling to get more than one date, and if they do everyone’s terrified of commitment. I honestly don’t miss dating and the games at all
It’s almost certainly the sheer amount of advertised choices. People are constantly bombarded with sexual content, can swipe through thousands of theoretically-real options on dating apps any time they want, and face no immediate consequences for failing to put in effort to make a relationship work. We’ve all very much bought into the fact that there are plenty of fish in the sea, failing to understand that unless you commit to one of those fish, you will forever be fishing.
too many options and misplaced ego
Honestly I do subscribe to the idea that most of it comes down to 1) loss of social skills, mostly due to technology but also general collapse of traditional communities 2) increased focus on self, need for gratification, comfort, putting up an appearance
Basically dating requires honest interest in the other person and making yourself vulnerable, whilst overall our society pushes more and more towards “every one for themselves” and a need to constantly appear perfect. And there you get high expectations and demands, dropping the relationship for another one as soon as any issue comes up, generally acting selfish and so on.
Because you all sit at home and wait for shit to happen. That almost never works.
Lack of (physical) third spaces
It was always the case that women are more picky because its men who pursue.
But now with Internet. Woman are bombarded. They have the pick of the litter or atleast the illusion of it. So you got to impress. And they feel they don’t need to do anything. Or else they have 500 other lads in the DMs on stand by.
Because nowadays you can get to know someone online in just a few minutes and social media has raised people’s expectations, but don’t give up, work on yourself, develop yourself as a person, go out a lot and everything else will follow.
Short answer—– Culture.
Our culture changed to one that values pleasure above all else.
Self gratification makes for very poor partners.
We allowed culture to become toxic.
We don’t venerate thr stable relationships. The happy families.
We gravitate to the excess, the indulgence, the drama.
So we end up here.
Unrealistic high expectations.
Because telling strangers what you really feel is considered offensive today
Im all about womens rights and divorce rights and everything but trust me when I say that since divorce rates are up, with the mix of the hookup culture people assume dating is a game, and is not taken seriously. Something that was once cherished and special became so comonplace (banal)… its so sad to see what social media did to our society, the acessibility to sex is ok but its fucked up for people who are actually looking for something serious (its like 1 out of 10 people)….
From my perspective, it’s simply because most people are never going to be in the same physical location as the person they are interested in dating. There is literally nowhere I go in my life where there is a reasonable potential to meet a person of the opposite sex who I would even be mildly interested in dating. If you genuinely want to date somebody, you really have to make a proper effort of it, anc go to the places you have zero interest in being.
Its still easier for women, not so much for men. The 80/20 rule
Lack of face to face contact. Higher rates of stress, anxiety, and depression. Fiance troubles, especially for men as they’re seen as providers,etc.
US women hate mid men with a fiery passion, mostly because of feminism.
Dating has always been hard. Social media and dating apps are profit driven so social media increasing body issues with any and everybody being able to throw up filters and photoshop their pic when that only used to be done for famous people in magazines. Add in how social media dehumanize people and you get all the nonsense and crazy ass things people say on dating apps that would get you jumped in public.
Apps.
Just too many options of “fun”
Not too long ago, traveling across country and contientents was a privelage for the wealthy. Every since y2k its gotten more accessible and affordable.
Combine that with the ease of finding a potential partner for the night compared to yesteryear, the list goes on from heightened self awareness to advertised values, people are literally playing God in their daily life’s with some of them not having anything of higher value they dedicate their life to. So in end, they just end up more lost than ever just going around banging everything, buying everything, etc hoping eventually they’ll find their happiness
The pandemic nuked people’s social skills, plus apps provide easy validation and little incentive to put effort into a new relationship.
We all have impossible standards and opinions set by television and social media. There is so much toxicity, sexism and doublestandards.
Women ☕️
Social media is probably a big part of the issue and the dating apps.
I’m sure there are many reasons, but just to give a different perspective than the usual pessimistic one focusing on loneliness (which obviously is an issue for many), I do believe there is some good to dating nowadays.
People have learned more about what they want from a partner, and also that there are more ways to be happy than the “traditional family”. Polyamory or life partners without ever getting children are some of the more “extreme” examples of straying from old traditional relationships, but there are just so many ways you can do what you want with your life, and that includes your dating life.
Aside from the type of relationship, it’s also about the partner. People are a bit more picky, but that can be a good thing. When choosing a life partner, it’s okay not to settle too much. Sure it can be taken to an unhealthy extreme, but it can be good. And this goes hand in hand with how the traditional expectations of “kids at the age of x” are starting to be less relevant. So people find less pressure to find just someone to start a family with.
On top of that, we have a lot more options than ever before in terms of how to meet people. In the old days you probably only knew people from your own city, and probably also very limited social circles. Now you have so many ways both with apps, but also just more widespread hobbies you can participate in, social events, clubs / bars for different people.
Basically, people know more about what they actually want and feel it’s more acceptable, they explore who they are and how they can be happy, regardless of old traditional norms – and modern society has ways to help with that.
I know some will disagree here, but I really don’t mean this is the experience for everyone. And it depends on what you also want as an individual. But where everyone used to be shoehorned into “you get a wife and kids at this age, that’s life!”, now a lot of people are aware that they can actually do other things. I know for sure I’d not be happy with wife and kids in the suburbs at the age of 25.
I think a lot less people “settle” or bow down to pressure and norms than ever before, and to me that is a good thing. The unfortunate part is of course that it also increase loneliness in society. But since most threads I see focus on the negatives, I wanted to bring up some of the positive sides to dating.
People don’t go outside as much as they used to, so they meet less people, see less positive examples of healthy relationships and have less practice socializing. I really think it’s that simple.
I dont get why people use the term “normal” in this context. Like wdym normal, everyone is different
I think prevalence of dating apps has changed behavioral norms around dating, and not necessarily for the best. Many people have pointed to the abundance of choice, and that’s a big piece of the puzzle. More options sometimes had the inverse effect of making commitment harder. After all, you can always keep swiping.
But that’s only one piece. I think another issue is that it has made people treat dates as more disposable. In the past you often met somebody through your friend group, work, school, family, or a community you are part of. And that meant you had a certain level of expectation to treat the other person well. If you met a friend of a friend and went on three dates then ghosted them with no explanation, your friend would rightly be like “hey what the fuck?” If met somebody through your D&D group or in class and then treated them unkindly, everyone would know about it.
Now it’s very easy to meet a complete stranger with whom you have no shared community, message with them, go on a few dates, or even start dating regularly. And then if you want you could just ghost them completely and go about your life like nothing even happened. The stakes are just so low in that situation.
And I think that’s contributed to dating being hard. Because dating is now done in such isolation, rather than as an extension of your regular life.
I’ve seen the exact same question posed but in women-oriented subs, and the big complaints there are:
And so on. So it’s not just men, but everyone dealing with dating being an absolutely cesspool now.
It’s a vicious cycle of apps sucking and real life being too risky.
Apps suck, for both men and women. There’s a phrase that gets repeated on here that men are dying of dehydration in a desert, women are drowning in a swamp. Women are bombarded on apps, hundreds or thousands of matches a day. They have pretty much endless choice, because men swipe right on basically every woman possible. Men almost never get matches because the women can be picky, but that leads to them swiping right on everyone which bombards the women. It’s a vicious cycle.
In real life, we’re in a weird grey area reversal of who should make the first move. Ignore that there will always be guys that hit on everyone, Boomhauer shotgun style, and be seen as creeps that’ll never stop. But for reasonable men that may occasionally approach a woman they find attractive or that flirted with them, that’s stopping. It’s too risky. After metoo and other movements in the 20teens, it’s become EXTREMELY common for men to be labeled as creeps if they make a move like asking to get coffee, and getting rejected because they’re not good looking enough or the woman is taken or other minor rejection (part of which is a high bar caused by apps). Called “creep” both by the woman and/or her friends, that rumor spreads like wildfire in social circles. It’s far too risky for men to make the first move now and most just don’t anymore, despite the expectation is still on men to make the first move. There was a post here just a few days ago about a girl that was very confused why in the last few years guys have stopped hitting on her or asking her out, and that was a common answer (in addition to age but that’s another issue). The problem is women don’t know that they really need to make the first move now (hence we’re in a grey area)… so men aren’t making the first move, and women are confused why men aren’t making moves anymore, so no one is making moves except the creepy shotgun method men.
Apps help avoid this risk of being labeled a creep. If you both match then that drastically reduces the risk of being called a creep, so guys use heavily use apps. However that returns us to my first point, because since every guy swipes right on every woman on apps, only the top few % of guys actually get matches because the women can be so picky.
So at the end of the day you have this vicious cycle of apps sucking for both sexes for opposite reasons, only creepy womanizer men making the first move in real life, non-creepy men too scared to actually make a move in real life, and women confused why men have stopped making moves in real life or that only creeps do now, which drives both sexes to back to apps.
Really the only way to fix it is we need to finally tip over to the norm of women making the first move irl, both for physical safety of the women and social safety of the men. It’s been slowly increasing for a few years but will probably take a least a couple decades to be the norm, and really depends on things like women’s rights and politics in the near future.
I was on the job market a couple years ago, and every job I kept getting was awful. Just really poorly ran, bad processes that provided no value, and no interest in modernizing.
I saw an interesting piece of wisdom. Jobs that are hiring are hiring for a reason. It’s not that all jobs suck, but the jobs with high turnover and frequently hiring do suck.
So, when you’re on the market, most of your options are options that people have left already, probably for good reason. anecdotally, good people aren’t single for too long, or dating around for a long time.
(This is not really my experience to be fair, most people I date are awesome, so, it could be you…or it could be that I’m poly and my above scenario doesn’t really apply to poly folk.)
Dating has always been hard. Finding someone you are genuinely compatible with, who is attracted to you, and you also find attractive, is by its very nature going to be a rare and infrequent occurrence. It’s why so many people settle for someone they aren’t actually happy with. Because looking for that once-in-a-lifetime person is really, really hard. It takes time, and effort, and trying out lots and lots of people. It takes intention. It takes clarity. And most of all, it takes putting yourself out there and facing rejection, and bad dates, and awkward situations, and everything else that’s hard about dating over and over and over again. It’s worth the effort though.
I have often wondered as an older guy if the dating pool gets drained of those good people who are capable of having relationships. The dating pool then with age gets concentrated with those that are single for a reason. The older you get the worse it gets. At 50 it was so bad on the apps I swore off of them, it was just that bad. Now I don’t know if the above theory is true or not but I do wonder. The older I got the worse the app dating experience got to the point it was no longer worth it.
The reason is that many people such as myself are scared of getting into relationships because we are insecure about us for example I myself am insecure about my looks.I am happy that you are enjoying a healthy relationship but you need to understand that not everyone is as lucky as you. I know for sure that I will die single working myself to death .
People with problems stay in the dating pool longer
It depends on your circles. I work with a lot of people ages 21-35. More than half are in long term relationships, engaged, or already married. Within my friend group outside of work, ages 29-35 only about half have partners. Only one couple is getting married. It seems that people who do end up dating long term are people who know what they want from themselves. People who are still figuring themselves out are less likely to find a partner.
Been wondering this myself, and I’m thinking maybe the answer is to do it the old school way.
We go make as many friends and connections to people as possible and find a partner that way.
That way you would probably be able to filter out the crazies, since you know, they’re unlikely to have a healthy social circle. People with personality issues like rudeness, judgmental, lack of social skills area also unlikely to be able to hold onto a social circle.
That also means you have to make a commitment to actually be a normal functioning human with social skills and interested in other people – and not a troglodyte. If you can’t manage that, then that might also explain why you’re experiencing this issue aswell.
what do you guys think?
I for one, do get rejected by every girl I propose to, most of them are already committed.
I’m old and when I was in the dating scene, it was pre-cell phones and dating apps. You had to go out and meet someone face to face in order to ask them out. Now you sit on your couch, scroll through profiles, and try to pick someone to ask out. It’s quite a different world.