Since having my baby, people ask me if dad helps out. Why is it helping? That suggests it is solely my job and he sometimes assists me with it.
Baby’s dad is actually really hands on but rightly so. It shouldn’t be the standard that dads don’t do much and you’re “lucky” if you have a baby dad that shares the load. The child is 50% theirs.
Of course, if the mum is on maternity leave then she will be taking care of the baby solely throughout the day. But the evenings should be anyone’s game.
I’ve recently started back at work but my job isn’t finished when I get home. I’m then organising everything for her for the next day. It’s not a case of, “Dad’s off so he does everything and I just relax from work”.
Some mums at my group are like, “Baby’s dad said he’d have her for a few hours whilst I get my nails done which is so sweet”. It’s sweet that he’s “babysitting” and “letting” you go out to do something for you?
Even the instructors at these groups often seem to have this mindset. And a dad is highly praised for doing the same job that the mum does day in and day out.
Even at the hospital when I was in for 5 days post op, all the midwives praised the dad for being so hands on. Lots of comments about him being such a good dad. Which he is, of course. But that should be an expectation and just the norm, not the exception. When it was the evening time and I still couldn’t feel my legs, course he was going to change baby’s first nappy. Wouldn’t he be cruel if he didn’t?
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Welcome to the shitshow, lol. Yeah, it’s ridiculous and bizarre. Just keep doing what you’re doing and call it out when/if you have the energy. It’s so condescending to dads and insulting to moms when the implication is the mom should be doing everything.
I was raised in an extremely abusive family. My mother was an enabler and a pickme. She would say things like “At least he did not abandon his family/ he is not a murderer/ he helps me/ he pays the bills” etc for my abusive father. Mind that this man was abusing me on a daily basis, was only interacting with me to use me as an emotional and physical punching bag, and almost murdered me a couple of times. But at least he “helped in the chores/did not abandon his kids”. He was a great family man in our community’s eyes. Men are conditioned to be awful and unfortunately they are praised whenever they decide to act with the minimum human decency. Even when it’s their legal duty to contribute to the families they create.
Sadly it is still the world we live in.
I have been helping a friend with her 18 month old son, like once a week to give her a break. Dad is never there always too busy, something always comes up when he is supposed to be with his child.
And I kept telling her that he is not a babysitter, it can’t be on his own terms all the time, he is the dam father!
This is it. Not only dads get praised for doing the bare minimum but moms get scrutinised and torn apart for every little thing. Up until teenage years when some end up single (some abandoned with no support and do it all on their own), it’s still their fault for the child having an absent father 🤷🏼♀️!
These groups absolutely reinforce gender roles and normalise dads’ lack of effort. I stopped going back in the days.
Dads are parents and should absolutely take at least 50% of the responsibility for raising their children (whether they are with the mom or not).
It’s awful. I organise conferences for work, I had a pandemic baby but when we could have our first in-person conference again afterwards you would not believe how many people asked me “where is your baby!?” (He was 1 at the time) and I had to explain “he’s at home, with his other parent?” As if it was unthinkable that his father would take care of him while I was abroad for work for a week.
Partner-wise, I’m greatly benefitting from that my partner grew up with a single dad, so he’s used to seeing men do everything that needs to be done around the house and in a family. I don’t think I could deal with having it any other way though.
I don’t have children but my dad was really good. He changed tons of diapers, taught us many life skills. Spent time with us. Played with us. He was with us alone constantly (4 children) while my
Mom was out doing things or he would take us to run errands with him. He also would take us out for one on one time with him. I didn’t realize until I was older (high school) it was so rare for fathers to refuse to change diapers or watch their children alone or keep them over night while mom was away for family issue or friends time or whatever! Since then, it horrifies me this concept of “my husband won’t ’babysit’ our kids”. One woman I used to know could never be away over night, EVER, because her husband wouldn’t watch the children or allow a babysitter or even either of their parents to watch them. So the wife was just stuck never ever having time away. Terrifying.
Yeah, this cuts both ways. I was the primary caregiver for our kid. He and I went all over together. I’d sometimes get comments like, “Oh, it’s so nice of you to give Mom a break!” Uhh, not quite, Mom’s pretty busy at her job providing for us.