I (28M) have been dating my girlfriend (25F) for about a year now. We’re happy for the most part, but there’s something that’s been bothering me.
She has multiple guy friends. She texts them, goes for coffee, even hangs out one-on-one sometimes. I never made a big deal out of it — I trust her, or at least try to. But a few weeks ago, an old female friend of mine reached out. We used to be close years ago, and I told my girlfriend about it. Her whole mood changed.
Suddenly she’s asking me questions like: “why is she texting you now?”, “do you still have feelings for her?”, “are you sure nothing ever happened between you two?”
She even straight up said she’s “not comfortable” with me staying in touch with her — yet still insists her male friendships are completely fine.
When I pointed out the double standard, she said “it’s different” and that “girls know how girls think”.
So my question is: is this a red flag, or just insecurity on both sides? How do you even deal with this kind of imbalance in a relationship?
Comments
Simply put, no one in the world can tell you who you are allowed to be friends with.
What is allowed is for one partner to respectfully express their feelings and their concerns about who the other partner is friends with.
Needless to say, there are thousands of books and articles available online by respected clinicians, therapists, sociologists, psychiatrists, social historians and various behavioral experts, which talk in great detail about why the “double standard” to which you refer exists.
That includes ample research about how and why “girls know how girls think.”
With regard to whether this is a “red flag”: in my decades of life experience, inquiries such as that from your girlfriend only become a “red flag” if your partner refuses to engage with you in a quiet, calm conversation about what it is that is bothering her.
In the final analysis, you are permitted to do whatever you want.
And she is permitted to ask questions.. about your friendships with other women, or whether you forgot to do the dishes one evening as you had promised.
It is the way the two of you resolve these kinds of differences that will determine whether you are compatible and able to maintain a relationship with one another.
That’s a clear double standard, and it’s not fair. Trust should go both ways. If she expects you to be okay with her guy friends, she needs to extend the same respect to your friendships too. It’s not just insecurity it’s control disguised as concern.
Because she’s insecure
She isn’t your girlfriend. You are just the current option until she replaces you.
I mean, I don’t think you’re being insecure since you don’t seem to make a big deal out of her hanging out with her male friends. You only brought it up when she has an explicit problem with you hanging out with female friends.
I’d say you should reassure her but also tell her that, well, you’re allowed to be friends with whoever you want to be friends with unless there is justifiable reason to not be friends with them. Indeed, if a friend violates a boundary that you set, then that’s reason to stop being friends with them.
Tell your girlfriend that you will set such boundaries and tell her that she has to trust you enough that you will put a stop to the friendship if those boundaries are breached. If she cannot do this, then it seems the relationship is doomed to fail.
I think this is red flag behaviour, but then I’m bisexual. So if I was with someone who has these insecurities, I guess i just wouldn’t be “allowed” any friends at all?
Obviously, anyone trying to control your actions is a red flag. Especially if they do the actions they’re trying to stop you doing. Massive double standards.
Some people are insecure about cheating because it’s happened to them before. Not your fault, shouldn’t be your problem.
Some people are insecure about cheating because they do it themselves.
I know how girls think.. Yeah buddy and I know how guys think.
Uno reverse her ass.
That’s not okay.
double standards, guys know how other guys think and in the case of your gf with multiple guys one of them sure is in for the long game.
Yes, it is okay. Marry her.
That’s how feminist works. You can just have fun with her, nothing too serious.
Because she knows how she feels about her guy friends and doesn’t want you feeling that way about your girl friends.
If she trusts herself with guy friends but not you with girls, that’s not trust it’s double standard.
It is a huge red flag yes, she is probably projecting as well so maybe she even has feelings for some of her friends. Break up and never look back.
I’m so happy to be past the stage of dating where they constantly gaslight you into thinking you’re insecure. I guess over 30, they figure most people have figured out the ruse by now.
She’s tip top put a ring on it 👍
She is cheating and manipulating. Not just a red flag. It is a whole country of red flags. She is for the streets.
Yes dude it’s not just a red flag, but also hypocrisy.
I’d guess she’s insecure. It’s alright for her to have male friends because she knows she’s not doing anything, but she’s not so sure about you.
Not fair.