For example, a man leaving his wife who is undergoing treatment for cancer, or having an affair while his wife is dealing with chronic, debilitating health issues. Same goes for pregnancy.
Aside from the inevitable answers of “because people suck” and “because they want to feel romance again”… like, is there any research on this? I can’t understand it.
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i suppose the logic is why invest the energy when they can leave and have their fun somewhere else. they dont have to wait and do things for the benefit of someone else
Im not sure it’s common, but when it does happen, it gets talked about a lot because it does seem heartless from the outside looking in.
Not pregnancy, but cancer is very hard on the people taking care of the person that is sick. So not even necessarily a spouse or partner. It can be very time consuming and weigh in your heart heavily. To find some break from that or to find a person that supports you when you do all the supporting at home can just help you get through that time. ( I took care of my mom, so not romantic, but it’s really hard)
As for pregnancy, the dude is just a dick. Women are the same with a few adjustments. Nothing anyone can’t get through. When a healthy pregnancy, it can even be fun. So, yeah, guys just a dick if he leaves or cheats while his wife is pregnant if the relationship was otherwise good.
Are you saying it’s common because of a statistic or hear say? Towards the end you ask about research on it but by saying “it’s so common” implies a preconception to it being common. If that isn’t the case then I’d suggest rephrasing it to “is it common”.
A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient, according to a study that examined the role gender played in so-called “partner abandonment.” The study also found that the longer the marriage the more likely it would remain intact.
I’m not sure why.
People do this for several reasons but I find the biggest, most common one mentioned is because they wanted a distraction. They needed to feel like not everything in their lives has to do with the trouble that they’re experiencing at home – whether it’s an illness or family drama.
They need normalcy and to feel like they matter too. People inevitably want to find affection and attention with someone and if their spouse is distracted too long from them, their eyes will wander if they are not careful and do not have safeguards in place to prevent this.
I was cheated on. It started, I believe, when I was pregnant and really unwell. Then continued for at least the first year of our child’s life. Honestly, I think the guy just couldn’t deal with me not being as available as he would have liked. I’ve thought a lot about the reasons. He panicked, he felt abandoned, he wanted to feel in control, he wanted to get his dick wet. Probably some combo of all of those things.
I’ve only seen research comparing likelihood of a man leaving a sick wife to a woman leaving a sick husband. And the man leaving is 6 times more likely. I have never seen what percentage of overall divorces this accounts for. I don’t think it is as common as people think.
I suffered a major illness, almost died, became disfigured losing a body part and requiring a transplant. I gained almost 100 pounds from the medications I was on to prevent my body from rejecting the transplant. I could never lose the last 40. My husband was an absolute God send through the entire situation. He took care of me, my kids, learned to cohabitate with my mother who moved it to take care of the kids while he worked (this is a man who would prefer to only be with me and the kids). He helped me with toileting, bathing, wound care, etc. We are over a decade past that time and still going strong.
Note that there was a study that showed that men were much more likely to leave their sick spouse. Someone even linked it in here. Problem is, the study was done wrong, they accidentally evaluated their data wrong, and it erroneously showed a fact that was completely untrue, yet it is still quoted everywhere.
https://retractionwatch.com/2015/07/21/to-our-horror-widely-reported-study-suggesting-divorce-is-more-likely-when-wives-fall-ill-gets-axed/
I suspect it’s people that would only stay around as long as things are going their way in the relationship, not people that actually meant it when they said ‘in sickness or in health’. Or maybe they didn’t take that vow at all.
45 years here, been through hell from abusive relatives, cancer, and chronic long term illnesses. Still building the relationship, still working on ourselves, still find that what we want most in life is being together for longer.
honestly I understand it more than people who cheat when their partner isn’t suffering from a cronic condition.
affairs are not just about sex, they are about emotional support. If one person is going through a bad time with these things they will rely on their parnter to support them, but who then supports the partner? Suporting each other is not the same, you can’t moan about how hard it is to look after your partner to your partner.
caring for another person is hard work, physically and emotionally. it can result in someone needing an outside escape. which in some cases is an affair, or even leaving the situation. it isn’t fair, or right, but the situation isn’t fair or right so it is what it is.
yes people suck, but people are just people.
weirdly with pregnancy it shouldnt be the same and i am less understanding. It rarely needs the same level of care. it is a short defined period of time and you usually signed up for it so suck it up.
I think a not insignificant number of people regard their spouse as basically another asset that they possess. To them, it’s like a car that breaks down and you get a new car. When the wife gets sick and her titty gets cut off, you get a new woman.
I frankly cannot understand how you can do such thing, such a betrayal.
Men do this more often, and I think it’s because these men are into the relationship for what the woman provides him (meals, sex, housekeeping,etc). When she no longer is able to provide any or all of these, he finds someone else who will.
Many Men aren’t use to being caretakers.
Once faced with the prospect of needing to do more child care, house work, basic life tasks that their wife usually picked up. They get overwhelmed.
This is why you should always bring incredibly careful when choosing a partner.
My husband is a true partner. He contributes to our household the same amount I do. When he is sick I pick up his tasks, and when I am sick he has no problem picking up my tasks.
That being said, I know plenty of men that would be lost on what to do if their wife disappeared for a day. Wouldn’t know what time their child is supposed to be at school, wouldn’t know what day certain bills are due, would forget to do laundry, etc.
Man or woman, be careful who you invest you time and heart into.
Because by the very nature of illness on that level, the non-sicks persons needs and wants take second place in the relationship during/after the crisis. Some people can handle that, some can’t. Men are less likely to be able to handle it because historically they’ve never been taught or in a position where their needs/wants don’t come first. While women are taught from a young age they come second.
Cheating is never okay and in the majority of cases, it wouldn’t happen if people had open honest conversations about what their current reality is. And keep an open dialogue that isn’t judgmental or punitive.
There are a lot of studies about cheating and why it happens. I’d suggest google scholar and your local library as starting points if you want to read some of the studies.
My husband left me after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was DCIS, not even spread anywhere. But he just completely checked out and moved on, treating me like I was a broken toy and our kids an unholy burden. I’m totally fit and healthy now. The whole ordeal was absurd. We were together 20 years. I’m never going to allow a man in my personal space again, especially now that I see how easily they can take off.
The illness is usually just a catalyst for leaving, people who leave relationships are rarely happy enough to stay through more trouble.
I love how the question is why PEOPLE cheat and every comment I’ve seen so far is just man bashing .
Simple answer is when people see their needs as secondary they look for someone they feel will put them first no matter if it’s men or women
Because sex is a basic human need.
And unfortunately cancer treatment is Hella expensive i would advise anyone that has a spouse getting ready to get a 3 million dollar Healthcare bill to divorce their wife or husband, because they can get their treatment alot cheaper if they are single and unable to work
I think you meant to write “men” leaving their “wives” in the event of major illness.
Funny, my x husband exact words to me when he asked for a divorce were that he did not want to take care of me during my illness. And could I move out by Wednesday. It was Monday, I had just started treatment.
I went through cancer and some bad things happened in my marriage. I’ll never entirely know the entire truth of why but understand the fear and anxiety one must feel in thinking they’re going to lose their partner.
It is much easier being the one going through it than the one not. I’m glad it was me and not her.
I’ve also heard that a child with autism will cause 90% of men to run. We had an autistic child and it was very hard on both of us. Throw the heartbreak of a diagnosis of autism for one of your children and throw some cancer on top and that can be too much for anyone.
My belief on the why has to do with the person who’s doing the cheating has no concept of what love is. Love is not about you. Love is about the person you love. We are a me-first society. The moment we feel we aren’t “happy” or given proper attention we want to throw something in the microwave for 30 seconds to get it back right away. That is not love. That is selfishness. And, most people at their core are extremely selfish. Love is not selfish. It is giving, patient, kind, it holds no thought for itself. It only knows to love because that’s what love is.
If you don’t have it never settle for anything less. We have a broken world because people have all these wrong ideas about love that they get from watching mindless TV shows about marriage like The Bachelor, or The Bachelorette. Or, they see selfish love in their parents.
My longest running friend never understood love and had a rough relationship life. His parents were well-to-do and each of them were unfaithful. That was his picture of love and marriage. He learned later in life just how dysfunctional he was due to how he was raised.
He met someone well below his typical physical standards and married her because he loved her. I was shocked because he always had the most attractive women on his arm. This one was a plain jane and he seemed almost embarrassed to introduce me fearing my reaction… he just said… I just love her. He finally got it and told me she helped him learn what love truly was. A beautiful thing to see happen to a guy like him. And, no I didn’t give him the reaction he feared. I was so proud of him that he got it and seemed truly content in life for the very first time.
His wife recently went through breast cancer and had her breasts removed. I guarantee the old guy who didn’t understand love would’ve run for the hills. Not the new guy. He truly loves her and stood by her like anyone who understands love would.
I know the stats for men leaving their sick wives is like 6 times higher than the other way around. I think a large part of that is socialization / traditional gender roles whereby wives are expected to take care of the husband aka do all the household chores, child raising, etc and when the roles reverse and not only is the wife to sick to do that but now the husband has to take care of her, he’s not interested anymore
Major illnesses in someone close to you cause you to reassess your own life.
I think it’s because they can’t cope. They often feel they are losing because they are having to carry the spouse, workload, family responsibilities. They get around someone who says how amazing they are for doing all those things, tells them they are valued, gives them attention, intimacy, energy their spouse can’t.
Basically humans have needs and when their spouse won’t, or can’t fulfill them they are susceptible to getting those needs met elsewhere.
I definitely think this is not a good/valid reason, but it’s what happens (seen it in my extended family).
Illness creates a lot of stress in relationships. The person you love had lots of life and now is someone who relies on you for support all the time. You have to take on a lot more work and stress to be with someone who is incapable of putting the same effort back into your relationship.
It becomes very tough. Your life stops having fun in it and is all serious with no release. So some people become incapable of staying in that situation and need some form of release. Meaning they subconsciously or consciously try to find them and often someone else is out there ready for it.
Taking care of a sick/dying person is hard. People avoid things that are hard. It’s that simple.
Fight or flight mentality