I understand that there are different situations and in each of them people will react differently, but let me explain mine:
So I’ve met this guy, he’s few years older and has 3 kids from previous relationship. I never wanted kids simply because no.
We met as friends, had great talk and similar hobbies and while we are not dating, it felt like he would be open to it. And kinda same with me, even though I’ve always thought that as a childfree person it would not be great idea to date someone with kids.
We had little bit of talk (through messages) about life few days ago and I said that I admire his ability to juggle work, house and split custody of his kids and that I could never hence why I’m childfree. I said that little bit as a joke because I know I could manage a lot if I would want to have a kid, but.. I don’t. Hence why I want to spend my spare time traveling, meeting friends or on my hobbies.
His responce was that I definitelly should have kids and I would manage if I wanted to, which I replied that I’ve never wanted to have kids. And then I had a feeling like the conversation shifted into weird direction. He said, that he doesn’t want his kids working on my retirement, that better I save up money or become millionaire. It kinda felt like an attact because I don’t want to “mess up” or “make it harder” for myself by having kids.
And I don’t get it. It was his choice to have 3(!) kids, he knew or at least should knew what he was signing for. I know what means to have kids and I’m choosing to not go this way. Why he is mad?
Now, I know it was all through messages and I could potentially take his messages wrong and they meant to be more as a joke. But I cannot pretend like now I feel uneasy with all this and even if I took it wrong and we will potentially progress into dating, I will have to take all the measures to make sure I will not get pregnant.. I wish I could tide my tubes in England easly.
Comments
It’s a terrible idea for childfree women to date men who already have kids, and this dude in particular seems like a creep
It’s a little weird that he reacted like that. Sounds like he’s being defensive about his choices and he might even have some regrets and be mad at you for your freedom that he no longer has. There’s also a cultural stigma around women who choose to be childfree – like we’re somehow selfish or that there’s something wrong with us if we realize that we don’t want kids (for whatever reason that might be). There’s nothing wrong with you though – I’m in the same boat – 36 and free, and I love it.
You probably shouldn’t date someone from whom you need to protect yourself from potential reproductive abuse.
this is a red flag and is GOOD for you because you’re still deciding whether to date this person, and you now have enough information to rule him out, move on, and stop wasting your time on someone incompatible.
i dated someone who reacted like this to me casually commenting on me not wanting kids, well after we had been dating for several weeks and had started sleeping together. he acted shocked and pissed off at me, even though this information was at the top of my dating profile when we first connected. i never mislead him, he was just a careless jerk. please listen to your uneasy feelings, they are telling you: this guy is not for you.
I don’t know anything for sure about this specific guy, and it’s hard to analyze texts even if you’re seeing them. That said, I think a lot of men view women who don’t want children as hard, insensitive, callous, selfish. I won’t go so far as to say they view us as less of a “real woman,” but I bet some do. And I bet it’s easy for them to attack someone they view as lacking in someway.
He was into you.
You rejected him without rejecting him.
He got upset.
He sounds like a misogynistic ass. I’d get the hell out of there.
Lose whatever hope you had for this connection & leave him where you found him.
For your own peace & future.
I never will understand why men with multiple kids don’t just date women with similar family dynamics. Brady bunch style lol
Some parents, despite loving their children, do resent people who choose not to have children because they are jealous that they have much harder lives.
Patriarchy. Whether a conscious or unconscious thought, some men have the belief that the first and most important purpose a woman serves in society is as a mother and/or producer of children and when women defy their purpose it is offensive/requires correction or punishment.
He’s mad because he is interested in you and this is a big point of incompatibility. So he erroneously is trying to change you to fit his needs and desires. It’s not a good way for him to respond. It’s not a good idea for a child free person to date someone with children. Parents have completely different priorities which revolve around their children, as they should, and they will clash with yours. You will be expected to make the sacrifice and that’s less than ideal for you or any child free person.
His comment about you benefitting from his kids is not okay.
He is just jealous. He said himself he doesn’t want kids just hopes that one of them will take care of him when he is older. He can’t live the life that you are living. And if he can’t say it was something else like he was in a bad mood or whatever it really was. You should not be around him, he just sounds like drama maybe that why he had so many kids. He was hoping his ex would put up with him but I guess it didn’t work.
Very often people simply feel attacked by one simply making a different choice than they did. That’s why I never explain my reasons for major decisions before I know someone really, really well. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned in life.
It’s not YOUR problem, but they are looking for a mate to propagate their line. Neanderthals think that their genetic code is so worthy of propagation.
I would guess when you said you were never interested in having children, it changed how he thought this relationships was going. Before now he might not have thought that deeply about how you would impact those relationships.
If you’re never open to be a step parent, you’re not open to being all-in on this man’s life.
>He said, that he doesn’t want his kids working on my retirement, that better I save up money or become millionaire.
I don’t understand what he meant by this? Why would his kids “work on your retirement” (whatever that even means) even if you were to get together? Saying you better save up or become a millionaire is really confusing to me, because why would someone suggest that having kids makes you more able to retire. What????
I don’t have kids. Parents have accused me of being selfish for not having or wanting kids.
I mean, I get it. People love their kids. But I knew when I was 12 that I never wanted kids. Apparently that’s the selfish choice?
Don’t ask me to explain the mentality. But I would bet that this guy thinks of you as selfish now and that’s what’s driving his weird behavior.
In 2025 I am deeply, deeply suspicious of any man arguing a woman into having kids.
Child free women should never date men with kids. It’s always a nightmare. This guy sounds like he hates your decision and would try to sabotage your life. Likely bc he hates his own decisions and is envious of your freedom. I’d run from this one!
My guess is that he’s more looking for someone to come in and help raise his kids, which is hard for you to do if you’re traveling. I’m childfree, as well, and have had similar interactions with guys who have kids. I’m now in my early 40s and they try to use the argument that their kids are older, so less work. Sure, until they start having kids of their own and then I’m expected to babysit THOSE kids. No thanks.
Actually…usually I’ve found the OPPOSITE is true. For years it seemed like guys were scared of or looked disgusted when I even do much as broached my desires to have kids in general. They usually stayed aloof after that then dissapeared entirely after ward. Hence why I ended up having to try to conceive a baby all alone by paying a ton of money I didn’t really have to spend on IUI inseminations and fertility treatments and testings. It wasn’t until last year that I finally found someone not scared of who’s actually stuck around without cheating or stringing along.
I wouldnt even want to be friends with someone who’s that quick to fly off the handle about my personal choices let alone date that person.
Several years ago, I read a post on a different sms. A guy posted that he was devastated because his girlfriend left him. I clicked the link to reply, and to my surprise, every response was some version of “that’s your fault for not saddling her with too many kids so she couldn’t leave”.
Recent studies show that Gen Z women are outpacing men professionally and economically.
Marriagekids are a business contract and there is nothing that traps a woman if she doesn’t enter eitherboth.
You’re childfree and you’re dating a single dad??? Why???
You can do so much better. He WILL be jealous of you and a jealous man is a dangerous man. We cf women must stop dating single dads. Look at the way men talk about single moms. Let’s stop giving single dads a pass.
Unaddressed mental/intellectual traps. There’s a ish-ton of blindly accepted assumptions regarding concepts of “legacy” and fulfillment and accomplishment. We’ve been conditioned with this ideology that the goal of life is to reproduce and if you don’t do that then somehow you’ve failed at life. Unfortunately, these types of ideas become accepted canon in the minds of millions without question. That’s the actual source of the trigger from my experiences.
I know that this is a women’s sub but as a man that got slightly agitated when women told me she didn’t want kids, I took it too personal – reading it as she’s not attracted to me sexually(even though she came to my house by herself twice lol that’s how clueless I was). But now I get excited when a woman says that because being a parent is a full time job with no days off or no retirement. A woman that’s self aware enough to know that she is not fit for that task tends to be better partners and mates even though they have no desire to reproduce.
Once I addressed the experiential validity of my ideas and beliefs surrounding parenting and what it means to have children, my worldview became more flexible and progressive. Now I’m decidedly childfree(don’t have kids don’t care to have them)
As a man, I thought this was an onion article from the title lol. That’s wild sis.
My experience has been that everyone gets triggered when I say I don’t want kids. Men, women, literally everyone feel the need to give their opinion, tell me why I’m wrong etc. Especially ppl with kids.
Eww.
Maybe a little odd response it seems he felt attacked.
Maybe try to think of something you love more than anything in the world. Now imagine someone saying they don’t prefer it or maybe just don’t understand it. You have been down the road of loving the thing for so long you can’t imagine someone who is indifferent or rejects it as something beautiful. That’s how he feels.
I have a friend who loves cats, loves kids, but doesn’t like dogs. I always have one to three. While I understand people have preferences I’m so far gone…I can’t even imagine a normal healthy person not loving a dog snuggling with them on the couch while they watch The walking dead. I’ve had dogs since I was a kid. I love them so much! So a piece of me always felt like something with her was off. Even though I 100% know there is nothing wrong with not loving dogs.
He loves his kids so much it foreign to him. It’s like the best kind of cult or obsession.
Its because you have agency and ownership in your choice, whereas he never really likely thought about the implications of having children.
You are exercising your choice, whereas he never thought through the choice so he is projecting.
For some parents, child-free people saying that they don’t want kids, can feel like an invalidation of someone else’s choices and hard work (to have kids).
I’ve even heard people say that it’s not fair how parents have to work harder and that child-free people are going through life on easy mode when they have to work harder to manage their own choices. It doesn’t matter that that its what they chose, they still somehow see it as unfair?!
In your specific instance, he doesn’t see your choice as valid and doesn’t get that you’re more likely to have money than he is (since you are not supporting children! …and also seems to see his children as his retirement fund (or has expectations of support), and that’s not healthy either.
Maybe tap out – there are plenty of childfree blokes too. Maybe seek out one that has no interest in children at all?
>he doesn’t want his kids working on my retirement, that better I save up money or become millionaire.
I don’t understand what this means. Does he think his kids will have careers in elder care? Or does he not understand how social security works?
This dude already shows so many red flags!
>he doesn’t want his kids working on my retirement,
What the hell does that even mean?
Maybe he was looking for a partner to take raising his kids of his hands when with him. He may prefer to say hello and not wash cook and do school drop/pick up.
Without further information is a guessing game.
If you now feel weird just stay friends or not.
He might be mad because he is looking for a mom to pass off responsibility to and you’re making it clear that’s not you. A lot of guys with kids date women simply to pass off childcare. How old are his kids?
In my experience men, especially older 50s and up are obsessed with people having kids. They encourage it so much and it’s so strange. I think lot of it is narcissism and the content they consume (white replacement theory and other BS).
I’m childfree and many men react like this. My theory is that it triggers their ego or masculinity, makes them feel redundant as men. Like you’re rejecting what they can offer as men. Also you kinda told him you don’t want to be stepmom either and his lifestyle doesn’t appeal to you so his hopes got shot down. I’d avoid him.
This is not a “why do people.” This is a “why did this specific person.” And I wouldn’t call it triggered, either. Sounds like he wants someone who would be open to having more kids, and you are not that person.
Sorry to say this is a pretty standard case of two incompatible people.
I have a child I travel and have a hobby. Heading on a 7 day cruise with a 1 year old later. I didn’t think I could handle but here we are. Go to any airport, sea port, train terminal and there are plenty of kids traveling. There really isn’t any thing you can’t do with or without kids.
However you definitely should not be with this “friend”. It sounds like you don’t even love him and neither are you in love with him. He seems to just exist in your life and now you are left texting him and attempting to analyze the tone of the text. Maybe he wasn’t triggered. Only a very small percentage of old people go to a home. Most leave alone with often their kids checking in on them. Him having kids wasn’t a mistake. It was intentional very much and he is now trapping you so be careful
That is such a weird reaction… u would think because he has his own kids already that he would be ok with u not wanting kids… like how many darn kids does he even want lol
I have two kids and now 38 definitely do not want more kids… especially don’t want a blended family. Would prefer to focus on raising my own kids.
Has not been my experience. Asking if someone has or wants kids is a very normal question, a lot of childless peoples perception of “being attacked for it” is projection.
EDIT: Just read the part where you said
>I said that I admire his ability to juggle work, house and split custody of his kids and that I could never hence why I’m childfree. I said that little bit as a joke because I know I could manage a lot if I would want to have a kid, but.. I don’t. Hence why I want to spend my spare time traveling, meeting friends or on my hobbies.
Incredibly condescending thing to say to someone. That’s probably why he responded the way he did.
u/burbnbougie
Jealously and a man knows he can’t control you
Because what else woman for?
Trust your instincts. Even if he’s joking/teasing, he’s not being obvious about it and/or picking up your vibe to drop it
More likely though, even if he doesn’t know it, he’s already thinking of you as stepmom that will help HIM out with HIS children. Plus, ya know, have sex.
Ask him about it directly. You will need to know what he meant at any rate. Also if he expects children from you (and you do not want children) then he is not a good fit for your life. Walk away. You will only work well with a person who wants the same main things in life.
Misery loves company. And no, most of these people do not think about the consequences of life after kids. They just get jaded that other people have thought it through and made the choice not to. And to add, please don’t date this man. He will punish you for not having kids by dumping his on you.
There are a lot of people out there who look for validation of their own choices in the life choices of others. When they talk to other people who have made different choices, they feel judged and invalidated, as though they belive that there is only one correct path through life. It’s a weird attitude.
Sounds like the type of man who believes you should have kids for the economy. (The whole retirement thing.) Which leads me to make other assumptions about his beliefs.
Some people are just weird about other people’s life choices. If you don’t do what they did, they see that as a direct criticism of their choices. A woman, especially, is “supposed” to want kids. We’re “programmed” to. If you don’t, there’s something wrong with you.
And I suspect there’s a subset of men who get offended that a woman would reject their golden penis and sperm and not want to procreate with them. As if choosing to not have children in general is a personal rejection of them as manly men worthy of carrying on their legacy. (Yes, theirs. Not yours.)
“His responce was that I definitelly should have kids”
I get people who want kids.
I get people who don’t want kids.
I don’t get people who are upset because *somebody else* doesn’t want kids.
For whose benefit?
Theirs?
Mine?
The NONEXISTENT KIDS?
O I see . I read that part of your post wrong. My bad
Why do people get triggered when your opinion is different than theirs? Either: Immaturity, politics, or religion.
In all three cases it’s probably bad news. Though to be fair, it is possible to mistake curiosity and intrigue with being triggered, so it does help to feel things out and give a tiny benefit of doubt.
I would not continue to view this person as a potential romantic partner. Seems like he isn’t able to view your choices as valid or respectable, hard pass.
I find this really common. It just means we’re not politically or personality aligned so I let them know that and move on.
If you think that someone only deserves their pension or free healthcare because they’ve had kids then I just pity them really.