I’m curious from a older woman perspective what’s the point of messing around or casually dating people who don’t really benefit your life, when you could instead invest in someone who actually cares about you, wants to make your life easier, and goes above and beyond to understand your likes, dislikes, wants, and needs? Why waste time with people who aren’t adding value, instead of seeking out the one who does?
I would never want to date someone who does not add value to my life because for me the whole point of dating is building with someone who genuinely cares, supports me, and makes my life easier. That is why I wonder what the benefit really is in spending time with people who do not truly care or add anything meaningful. Why waste time dating people who do not add value instead of choosing someone who truly cares and supports you?
Comments
Casual dating did add value to my life. It added sex.
I don’t think it’s that complicated.
Some people need to go through the motions in order to come to that conclusion and Some people at that moment in time isn’t look for long term.
How do you develop care and support for someone without spending time with them first?
I think women sometimes come to date men who really don’t add value but after a certain age, our options are limited. Sometimes it’s better to have someone who is just mediocre than to have noone, possibly for the rest of your life.
Now, I am alone, not even dating, yet honestly hate being alone but also am a bit dumbfounded at the options/men that are left and just don’t want to deal with all that. So I stay on my own but I also get why other women settle. Personal choice
Sometimes people don’t need or want “someone who makes their life easier.” Dating casually doesn’t mean it’s not valuable time or mean you don’t care about the person.
I know a lot of of my friends who were doing the casual thing were doing it because they felt like they didn’t have the time or energy to commit to something more serious. They were focused on school, work, or a million other things. They felt like it would have been unfair of them to look for someone serious when they couldn’t prioritize it.
I never have dated casually, personally, so I can’t relate. That said, I can see the appeal.
I think it’s because finding someone who’s attractive, smart, kind, supportive, funny, financially-independent, reliable etc etc who also wants to be with you is like winning the lottery. It’s really hard.
Also, people tend to present themselves in a more positive light in the beginning. Literally no one says on the first date, “Hey, here are my giant red flags.”
Someone can seem supportive and caring initially, and then later show what they’re really like (or genuinely stop caring). And by then you’ve invested a lot of time, effort and feelings into the person so it’s harder to leave.
You casually date and get to know more about yourself. Talking about what you like and don’t like..having intimate conversations…practicing patience, recognizing faults, communication…sex, definitely sex.
Why would you not try to improve your social skills before being with “the one”.
Also it’s a numbers game…the right one ain’t coming out of nowhere…the more people you date, the faster you find them assuming you know what you’re looking for.
Who says dating casually isn’t adding value to their lives? Maybe it wouldn’t for you since you have different goals. But there is a lot to be mutually gained from casual dating for a lot of people.
Your post is very judgemental and narrow minded. Remember that everyone isn’t exactly like you and aren’t all working towards the same goals.
Also casual dating isn’t always as clinical and emotionally sterile as you make it sound. It’s possible to care and support people without being in a committed romantic relationship. All of your friendships aren’t romantic with you, but you ideally still care and support each other. Two friends-with-benefits can be the same way.
It’s not as simple as that.
Dating is a process and a journey. You learn along the way what you want and don’t want and what you like and don’t like. And what you will and won’t put up with. And plenty of men out there will pretend they care about and support you and it takes time to realize their game, especially if you’re younger/naive/less experienced. Even if you’re lucky, it can take quite a bit of trial and error to find the person who finally does, genuinely, check all the right boxes.
There’s no cheat code in life to skipping ahead to the part when you find someone perfect. That simply does not exist.
You assume everyone is just like you, with the same priorities, goals, and perspectives. To YOU “the whole point of dating is building a [traditional, heteronormative monogamous relationship].” That’s completely fine! But it’s okay for others to want something different, and just because you don’t relate doesn’t make it pointless or empty or lacking in value.
And I would challenge the idea that casual partners cannot care for or support each other. It may not look like you think “care and support” should, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist altogether.
I’m not always interested in a serious relationship but still want companionship and intimacy. These are value adds. Or sometimes it takes a long long time to find that person who will be all of the things you say and with whom I’m compatible but I still want companionship and intimacy in the meantime. How is that “wasted time”?
I think sometimes it takes a handful of months to even figure out if they add value or not
It was fun. Sometimes I eat potato chips, too. Not everything in life has to be nutritious.
I agree. Buy some good quality vibrators, much better than low value hookups.
how have you managed to find the one who adds value, without dating people?
it’s a numbers game in my experience. care/trust is something that has to build over time, and some of the prospects do not show their true colors early on.
but if you have any magical tips for finding my person without having to wade through the rest of the dating pool first i’m all ears.
Because you have other things to worry about.
I think as many people as you ask that question will be as many answers as you get. Some people will say that they didn’t realize that the person they were dating wasn’t adding anything to their life, would prefer to be around a problematic person then be lonely, some enjoyed sex, and so on and so forth. For that matter, some people grew up in really unhealthy households and learned that relationships weren’t supposed to add anything of value, which is also perfectly valid reason.
I’m curious why you’re asking it in this way though. The way you phrase it, I suspect that you’re frustrated with somebody else in your life. Who you think is dating below their worth and not taking your advice, and I wonder if what you’re actually looking for is advice on how to support that person or what to do with that friendship. Am I correct on that?
I understand not dating shitty men or people, but I was all for casual dating and really enjoyed it! To be frank, I really found myself and confidence via many orgasms and many people worshipping the shit out of my body.
Plus, when I didn’t have a proper dating prospect, friends with benefits made great companions when I didn’t have friends available. Dates for shows, go out to a new place, and getting to try things I’d never do on my own like ride on the back of a motorcycle.
Yes, there was sometimes pain, but I’ve had pain in friendships too. Being in relationship with others means risking pain, regardless of type of relationship. It also means lots of connections, learning about myself, and others.
ETA: I’m engaged now FWIW.
We’re all wired differently. I personally only date men where I can see a long-term future. Casual doesn’t make me feel good about myself, it’s preferable to be alone and spend time with friends or on my hobbies and pursuits.
I have friends who are more casual about it, I don’t think they attach strongly after sex. For them casual dating is enjoyable.
If you go above and beyond to understand her wants and needs then why do you need to make this post to find an answer?
You ask the question like it’s so easy find someone that actually cares about you, wants to make my life easier, go above and beyond etc etc. If I could have that, I would.
People value different things so what you may think as not valuable maybe valuable to someone else. It’s all about preference. If that’s what people want to do then so be it.
I try to date people who genuinely care and support me. But to this day it’s hard finding those people. Maybe it’s whom I attract and also get attracted to. I don’t know. I often feel like I’m the kind of person that people easily discards or doesn’t care for. And I guess some of us just are that kind of persons. I don’t know. I’m not desperate in dating either. I end things when it doesn’t work. But it’s also difficult for me to know if a person is genuine in the beginning or not… I wish I could be more like your comment. But I haven’t learned that yet.
I’ve never found someone as you describe. Where are those men? lol
This is like asking, “Why do you keep working a job and paying your bills, when it would be so much easier to just win the lottery?”
The dating process is about getting to know people. Not all of those people will be a good match for you. In fact, very few of them will, and that’s the nature of the dating process.
Sex, companionship, a +1 for fun activities.
Just because you want a person who truly cares and supports you does not mean you are guaranteed to meet that person.
Do you actually date? Or have you been in a relationship for decades wondering why these simpletons don’t just do what you did?
If you, personally, would eat every meal alone, go to every movie alone, travel the world alone, raise a child alone rather than spend time with someone who isn’t perfect, that’s great for you, but it sounds like a shit life to me. If you have been in a relationship for years and years, you are asking a question that you are too far removed from to understand.
I didn’t know any better. Also, I grew up in an economically destitute area of the country. No one had anything to give.
I moved at 40 to the Bay Area. Found a man born into enough privilege to get a PhD and a great job, but not so much that he doesn’t have empathy.
I think a lot of women have been conditioned to give men chances. Like “oh maybe it’s a one time thing”, “maybe he needs time to warm up to me,””if I communicate then he won’t do it again” and some just lack self worth. There’s a whole lot of reasons why women stay.
I think you can tell right away in some cases where a future partner won’t add anything beneficial to you. However, if the person hides who they are, it can take longer.
Sadly, not everyone wants or can accept that being alone is best.
This is so unintentionally cruel lol. No one wants to be with someone that doesn’t treat them well.
It’s not like there are a zillion guys out there waiting to treat you right. That’s like saying “choose a healthy meal” except 90% of the time, the only options in front of you are MacDonald’s, Burger King, or KFC.
Most of it is just a shit sandwich in nice wrapping paper and it takes a while to unwrap it and get to the bad part. Or people are inexperienced and just don’t know what they should expect in a healthy relationships. Or get in deep and have lives very tied together before someone reveals their monster side. Or it’s a frog in boiling water situation.
Don’t blame women for men’s bad behavior. No one wants to be treated badly. People need guidance and support to get free, not to be blamed for not choosing someone better.
I’m past the point of marriage and more kids. Other than who I’m with now that I’ve known for 30 years I wouldn’t want to live with someone so dating isn’t an end game to me.
> for me the whole point of dating is building with someone who genuinely cates, supports me, and makes my life easier.
I’m glad you know what you want!
But not everyone is you, of course! My last casual partner added levity, understanding, fun, flirty sexiness during a time when I was in deep distress and in desperate need of those things. He was a good dude who liked and respected me, but didn’t have a relationship to offer. I don’t consider that a waste of time, in any way.
>what’s the point of messing around or casually dating people who don’t really benefit your life
I wouldn’t mess around or casually date people who don’t benefit my life. I would only mess around or casually date people who do.
>when you could instead invest in someone who actually cares about you, wants to make your life easier, and goes above and beyond to understand your likes, dislikes, wants, and needs?
Usually this level of interest, action and motivation comes later than the messing around stage so it’s not like you have to pick between them?
>Why waste time with people who aren’t adding value, instead of seeking out the one who does?
I don’t. I just don’t consider “adding value” to be the exclusive domain of serious romantic relationships like (it seems? Correct me if I’m wrong on that) you do.
Building authentic relationships takes time.
Because it’s comfortable, the dating pool is apparently garbage, and you feel the time crunch of biology/life milestones in your mid 30s and are worried about not meeting them.
Not saying any of this is justifiable, just going off of observing my friends/family who do this.
I casually dated and had friends with benefits or situationships while I was looking for a more serious relationship. They offered companionship, someone to do things with, and physical intimacy. In my case, both of us were aware that we did not want a long term relationship with each other due to incompatibilities (value differences, lifestyles, age, etc). Sex, attraction, and friendship can be an easily blurred line and I find intimacy does add value to my life.
because life is unfair and there are not enough men who want the work and responsibility of commitment and stability (financial and mental). finding a good man who loves you back is your luck and fate and timing.
Companionship is value to many
Sis. Do you think we’re really picking bad on purpose? It’s bad enough when men ask this question.
Because it is DAMN hard to find someone who does add value. DAMN hard.
Being 31 now I can’t see how you can date people that add no value in your life either. And with men being raised to be “takers” more or less I can’t comprehend having someone that adds no value yet takes from you when it comes to time, money, resources, etc.
However, this is subjective because some women are cool with men not adding actual value to their lives but they’re getting sex bc they like sex so it’s fine.
This topic is subjective and there are other factors that play into why a woman would deal with a man that provides no “value”. Which value is also subjective.
The way you wrote your question makes you sound like you think young ladies are intentionally choosing to continue to date people that they are aware “don’t add value” and don’t care about and support them.
It seems very obvious to me, as an older woman who has also been in the dating game, that one dates specifically to find the person or people who will add the value one wants in life.
People don’t reveal all their character and their strengths and weaknesses with full transparency on the first date. It takes time to actually know who someone is rather than just the persona they project in order to make a good impression.
It would actually be very naive to think that you can know the “value” a partner could or could not bring into your life early on to avoid “wasting time” on people who don’t fit you.
My vagina needs me to be attracted to the man whose penis will go inside me. Chemistry matters. Attraction matters. I’m not talking about me thinking I have a shot with some Hollywood muscle bro. I’m talking about being around someone and liking how they look, smell, carry themselves, converse, etc.
If I have zero attraction to someone, it doesn’t matter what superficial things he claims to bring to the table, how much money he makes, what size his dick is, his height, or how many times he can nod during a conversation and say, “I completely hear you right now…”
It’s not happening if he is not appealing to me.
I also want a partner who I GENUINELY LOVE AND LIKE BEING AROUND.
No one is saying purposefully date duds that add nothing. But dating casually when you’re young is a great way to experience many different kind of people who maybe you wouldn’t have known immediately you get on with. And you can share good times with someone even if it’s not long term. You figure out your boundaries and your likes and dislikes, you learn how to advocate for yourself and build self confidence.
Literally no one is saying “date some dumbasses for a bit it’s good for you.” I’ve gone on lots of dates with guys I thought would be good for me on paper who sucked, and lots of guys who I didn’t realize I’d be into who I developed really intimate relationships with. If I hadn’t been casually dating I’d have learned none of that.
Sex.
Sometimes people aren’t interested in building a life or a future together, they just want to have a good time right now. And if both people know the score, that’s fine.
I only dated people with genuinely something nice to add to my life by knowing them as friends first, started small, and our policy was to leave better than how we found each other. Some were fwb first but real friends. EMPHASIS ON FRIENDS. emphasis on caring. Not using each other like wet socks. This way you can remain friends even if feelings are gone. If it is weird then you just leave. You cut off if you need to. Be relentless.
that was advice given to me by somebody kind and older in 2004.
so the rest of this thread full of other now older women unable to find even one good thorough guy is disturbing
I’ve never once been stuck in a situationship like some do, you either make it work or leave. On and off is also not something you should ever encourage. Noncommittal and indecisive people are also the worst.
I noticed some of my american friends say they have at least one bum in their ex list. Sometimes several bums. Sometimes the whole ex list are bums, then I am wondering if their redflag radar even works? Like a highschool dropout or a alcoholic or gambler or smoker or pothead or something like that. I don’t give those men the time of day, sorry. I married a turbo gamer but he’s super functional and it remains a hobby, not an addiction. He does chores because he’s not a manchild.
I looked for real people, not half-developed failure to launch people
you control who you are attracted to. You need self-awareness to do so, otherwise we chase some dumb shit like desperation for good sex if you had terrible sex previously, dangerous levels of risky NRE (new relationship energy), some delusion, and not the man actually being quality. I don’t condone serial monogamist type behavior either, those people all belong in the trash. There’s a lot of girls out here who don’t even know that term applies to them.
you need good judgment to see if people can fit you, and if you can both uplift each other into the future. It’s a life skill. It’s really very much like dreaded college group projects with one other partner, so be serious.
if you can’t be judgmental at all by tempering it with some emotional intelligence then it’s joever. If you don’t have a strong will and it turns into a transactional relationship, it’s also super joever.
If I don’t like someone romantically, I’m not dating them.
That’s the value I care about.
It sounds like our ideal strategy is courting rather than dating
In many ways, casual dating was more valuable to my personal growth, sex life, and social skills than dating for or being in a committed relationship.
I’m doing the casual dating thing right now because my break up was only a few months ago. I want to date again because it’s fun and rebuilding my self esteem, but I’m not ready to dive into anything serious just yet.
As for people adding value: yes, you can be selective with who you open your heart to to a certain extent, but I can’t make myself fall in love with someone successful. I often find very successful men have values that don’t align with mine too. I’d always rather be poor and happy than rich and miserable. I’m looking fir someone with passion and drive in their life rather than a nice house and car.
Because sometimes the added value is need is some cold, hard d**k that isn’t interested in calling me back and bothering me.
Almost every single person wants what youre describing but there is no way to guarantee it and the cost of being wrong can ruin your life.
I used to have casual encounters and one thing I noticed as a bonus is they were more honest. We aren’t trying to impress each other, our intentions are known and we aim for a mutually beneficial interaction. There’s no need to pretend.
There are way too many people on this very website saying their partner was one way and then “the mask slipped”… we have a phrase for it…. and now they are someone else. The problem with this is you made life decisions based on their initial behavior.
So if I bought a house, got married, and had kids with someone who pretended to care, im in trouble. It will likely take several years or longer to fully land on my feet as leaving the pretender.
If there was a way to guarantee a person cares, id agree. Too many people lie for this post to be anything other a nice thought experiment.
It takes time to get to know someone. You’re never guaranteed that the person who seems great during your first conversation will also be great in a few months of dating or even just talking. Relationships of any kind are a gamble.
Also, relationships take many forms. For some, casual relationships have a purpose and do provide some value to their life. Only the person choosing to be in that type of relationship can decide whether its worth it to them.
You can truly support and care for someone even if you decide you dont want a long-term relationship with them.
For me it comes down to emotional energy and a realistic thought of “there’s only so many fish in the sea” when you don’t live in a big city.
I get hooked on people fast and it usually turns into a sunk-cost fallacy situation. I have a hard time leaving a less than ideal situation unless it’s downright abusive/toxic. I also have a hard time with change. I’ve had one marriage and one serious relationship and after/inbetween both divorce/breakups(I initiated both), I was single for about two years. So if I was to date a lot and break up a lot, I’d feel like I wasted so much time.
I sadly feel like I either have to just “settle/compromise” or be single lol I don’t have the mental energy to date around and find the “perfect” one when he may never exist for me.
This sounds very black and white. The people I’ve dated all added to my life and showed me care in some ways… it just wasn’t all the ways I needed, or it wasn’t enough, or they had some other behavior I couldn’t tolerate.