I 18F and my dad 40M have had a rocky relationship my entire life because of how he chose to live his life. Anyways, some things happened and I had to move in with him and his new wife when I was 15.
I’ve always been very focused on my academics and saw to that I get into a good college. Preferably an amazing one. I’m going into my senior year of highschool and have obviously been talking about college applications with my dad seeing as though he offered to pay for it. At first.
It started with saying I cannot move cities to go to college, then it was that I had to do online college, and finally he said that I cannot go to college, move cities, houses, or get a real job. Ever. Before you say this is a financial matter, I assure you it is not. And even if it was, I’m eligible for large academic scholarships. Full rides even.
Today my dad told my mom that I’m unable to take care of myself and am so dependent on him that I cannot go to college or move. Ever. But that my brother can do whatever with his future because “he knows it’s going to be great.” I’m so extremely confused by this. I’ve been called HYPER-independent by therapists and have shown nothing but that to my family. Everything I’ve ever gotten in life has been at my own hand. Not trying to be cocky I just grew up in a very unstable environment where I had to grow up fast.
Important background:
-I’m the first born and older than full siblings by 7+years
– I’m the only child not allowed to move out
– My dad is an alcoholic if 20 years
Can someone please explain why he thinks this way of me, and why I’m not allowed to even HAVE a future past this point?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Luckily as a legal adult you don’t need his permission. Find another person to move in with while you finish school, get a job, and apply to whatever schools you want.
You’re 18 so I got some good news for you…you’re an adult 🎉. You can do whatever you want. Move on out and get that full ride and go to school 👍
You don’t need his permission. Take whichever full ride scholarship most appeals to you and go.
You’re 18, he cannot make you do anything anymore. Apply in secret to the schools you want. Do what you need to get money for the applications and go. Your Dad is treating you like a pet not a person. If you have a teacher you’re close with ask them for help with the college admissions process. Don’t worry about why your Dad is like this and do what YOU want to do.
Sounds like classic control tactics, especially from someone with a history of alcoholism. Sadly, some parents project their own insecurities onto their kids, and keeping you dependent gives him a false sense of control. Stay focused on your goals. You can build your future, with or without his support.
You’re 18. The world is your oyster! NOBODY can stop you.
Because he sucks that’s why. The good news is you’re an adult and he can’t stop you. Figure out where all your important documents like birth certificate, passport, social security card, etc are and quietly plan your exit. If there are any trustworthy adults in your life consider discussing this with them but otherwise you need to keep this under wraps. Don’t argue with your dad or try to change his mind, he’s unreasonable and you dont want him thwarting your plans. Let him think you’re staying. Take the scholarship and don’t look back.
Maybe he does want you to become a debt slave going to college and getting a worthless degree
If you’re 18, you can do any of those things. Get your guidance counselor to help you apply for college. Get your mom to fill out the financial aid forms. Once you graduate, move out. Don’t use your home address for mailing when you apply for schools. If you need to, get a PO Box. He literally can’t stop you. You’re an adult.
It’s not his decision, OP. Remember that. He’ll lie, threaten, empty your room, wreck whatever stuff you leave home, disown you, blah blah… I’ve seen it. But you have to go anyway. Get away from him and start your adult life. Get a full ride and vanish. If he’s not paying, he’s not involved. As another commenter said, get copies of your documents, make sure any money or scholarships goes into an account he doesn’t know about and has no access to (because I promise you he can empty your current account if he wants to), and make your exit plans. If your mother is passive enough to not defend you, don’t confide in her either. Good luck.
Get out and away from him. You deserve better. He does not have your best interests at heart. His demands actually sound a little scary to me. Go NC, and live your life. Go to college! You got this.
Where’s his wife?
If you need financial support other than scholarships, you need to talk to a counselor regarding fasfa about your situation. Parental income will be a hurdle you need to navigate regardless if your parents help you or not
You’re an adult. Walk out the door. He’ll eventually figure out he’s not in control of your life anymore. It’s YOUR life — go live it!
My dad was the same way! His reason: if I go to college I will either end up a liberal or pregnant! (The former happened lol) if you wanna go to college, go to college. Just be prepared for the aftermath and your dad trying to tear you down any chance he gets. You got this
Apply for all the scholarships and grants to help you to live on the college campus. Go to your counselor and ask for help. He can’t stop you if you do the work to get yourself there.
Do you go to in- person high school? Talk to a guidance counselor there about the situation and how you can apply to college and scholarships. As many have mentioned you are legally an adult and don’t need his permission for anything. Are there any friends or family members that you could live with?
Your dad doesn’t want to see you leave. It’s very selfish of him to sabotage your life. Please don’t let him. You can move if you have another place to go. Get help from your mom if possible. Don’t let his selfishness deter you from going remember it’s YOUR life.
If you’re getting full scholarships, then push for your independence by going to that school.
usually you want your parents’ support but there are cases where you just have to cut and run, and start living your life without the if they aren’t supporting you and your goals
Because he’s controlling, insecure, and scared of losing the one person he feels superior to. You leaving proves he failed as a father and has no power anymore. Has nothing to do with you being “unable”, you sound more capable than him. Don’t let his dysfunction kill your future. Leave anyway.
You’re 18. You can go to college, you can take out loans or apply for scholarship. You don’t need his permission.
Talk to your counselor and when applying for FAFSA.
Okay, I digress. Where are you located?
Who knows honey? There must be some big issues there. Control and an inability to let you live your own life.
Does it actually matter? You could mull over this and argue it for years and years. He sounds unstable and difficult.
Let him go. It’s wasted energy I believe to try solve this issue. Let it go and make your life plans apart from him.
You need to live your life. Study hard, get your scholarships and move out and go to college. You are 18 and he has no legal say what you do with your life.
You might need to get a job to support yourself at college. But you can do that. I would apply for decent colleges in decent sized places so you can move away from home and there are plenty of job opportunities for you.
Good luck.
I just wrote about a simpler parental meltdown about college. Here on Reddit. You BETTER go, and do great 🙂
Do you take care of him and/or the house? He probably wants to keep you around for that.
Everyone else has shared the magic answer-you can do what you want, you are of age.
I am curious, what degree are you thinking of pursuing in college?
I suggest you make an exit plan asap you cannot stay there. Legally he cannot tell you to stay also. Leave fast
You need to go stay with your Mom or anywhere else. Apply for every scholarship you qualify for even small ones. Apply to every college you want. He doesn’t get to dictate anything.
Thankfully you’re an adult and you can go do whatever you want. And you also don’t have to tell your dad or mom shit about it if you think they’ll stop you or sabotage you.
Go to college. Find a roommate, live in the dorm, go live your life and find your own way
Kid, look at your dad and let him know that your life belongs to you when you’re 18. Take the scholarship(s) and go to school. Be a good student and have a great life.
Omg please just go you do not need this man’s permission. Chances are he sees how amazing you are and is jealous and threatened by it, so he’s trying to turn you into a worthless nobody like himself. Not saying you need an education to be worth something, but this is how it starts. One day it’s, “you don’t need to go to college” and the next it’s him not even letting you have your own bank accounts. RUN.
Your dad sounds sexist. He may have convinced himself that you can’t do anything because you’re a woman.
You’re 18. He can’t stop you from leaving. All he can do is refuse to help you.
If you’ve secure scholarships and room and board then leave.
You may also have to fill out the paperwork on your own because I’m betting he’ll try to sabotague things as you get closer to graduating.
Your school should have a counselor who can help find a way to do this on your own if you have no other support options.
Meet with your guidance counselor. Explain the situation. Ask for help becoming emancipated. Apply for colleges and scholarships on your own. Move out and go to school. I did this when I was 17. Your dad is trying to control you and hold you back for his own reasons. You don’t need to know why. That is inconsequential. You need to be the captain of your destiny. Always remember this. YOU are the captain of your destiny. Do not rely on anyone else to take command of your ship. Yes – you will need assistance. Recognize who is an ally and who is an obstacle and act accordingly. Dump your dad. The next move is yours.
With the age gap between you and your siblings how much help are you expected to provide in caring for them? It’s not super unusual for oldest daughter to be parentified. Regardless, you’re an adult and he can’t stop you.
You’re a legal adult so you don’t need his permission. Go to whatever college offers you the most money, get a job as a hostess at a good restaurant and work on eventually becoming a server so you can make lots of cash tips while you’re in college. Serving is probably the most money you can make with no education and little experience and less hours. Go for it girl. Don’t let your dad keep you from living the life the universe set out for you.
You’re 18. Do what you want.
He doesn’t want to see you go so he’s trying to control you. Do not listen do not even pay attention. Obviously he’s trying to use money to control you. Good thing you’re smart and know that your future lays elsewhere. Apply to colleges and universities now if you haven’t already. Have a heart to heart honest talk with your guidance counselor at your school. Make sure you tell them just how many roadblocks that your father’s been trying to put up and ask them for all the help that they can give you to apply for grants and scholorships.
Dad understands very well what he thinks females are for – and you are one.
He also knows that colleges are full of people like himself – and he intends that you are not going to get any experience in Physical Education, if he can help it.
You just might get to be a 50-year-old virgin and they’ll make a movie about you.
If you’re in the US, you’re an adult and legally don’t need permission for school. That being said, if you’re going to need financial aid, you will likely need help separating yourself as an independent entity from your parents. Financial aid is usually based on your parent’s income and tax information. Someone at a college or your guidance counselor at high school can help you with that.
Before you leave your dad’s – and you absolutely should – be sure to get all of your important papers, like passport, birth certificate, social security card – before you go. Are you still in HS? Apply for colleges and scholarships away from your father. Get a PO Box or a friend to get you an address for replies so that your father does not have access. Can you talk to your mom? Will she listen? Another family member? School councilor? You have got to get away from him. The good thing is that you’re legally an adult, and he can’t make you stay. Just make sure he can’t take your opportunities or your future. Good luck!
If your Dad can track you on your cell and/or access your billing account be sure you don’t make any calls you don’t want tracked or physical location known.
To answer your question, we don’t have enough context. Thousands of people with addict, lazy or aggressive family members children etc. can beat their head off the wall for a lifetime asking “Why”.
End of the day, it doesn’t matter WHY he’s telling you not to. It’s your life and you need to choose IF his feelings will effect your life and the consequences (What ever they may be) of both listening to your father, and not listening to your father.
It sounds like he wants a stay at home baby sitter so he can drink. This is a huge assumption as well.
If you’re hyper independant be hyper indepenedant.
If you can do it financially then ignore him and do it.
He doesn’t want you to go to college, move out of his house, or ever get a job.
That means he wants to force you to be a child – a pet – until he decides otherwise.
Do you know what that also means? No relationships. You can’t have a good healthy relationship if you can’t ever move out or work in any capacity.
See this as what it is – a ploy for control and a precursor for abuse if it hasn’t already started.
Do literally the opposite of what he wants here. Go to college, away from him, and get a job if you need to. Work with your counselors to see what scholarships and grants you might be able to get to make the transition easier. If you can work now, I’d recommend it to save money in advance.
Just do not relinquish your right to be an adult.
Babes, your dad can’t hold you hostage. You’re legally an adult whonleave at amy time. Im not sure why he suddenly wanted to lock you up, but you need to get away from him once you graduate. Find another family member tontake you in, get those scholarships. He can’t make you do anything now.
Dude, you’re an adult now, what he wants doesn’t matter.
Get your scholarships, grants and whatever else and just GO. He can’t make you stay home forever. It’s your life. Time to go live it!!
INFO: Does a large amount of the responsibility of watching your younger siblings fall onto you?
Btw what he said is terrifying. I would get out of your house ASAP move out while he is away at work.
You don’t need permission. You’re an adult. Grab one of those full ride scholarships and fucking run. Your dad sounds like the kind of creep to believe he has ownership of his daughter until she marries.
Don’t have any colleges send letters to the place you’re living with him. Password lock everything so he can’t go online and pretend to be you on your email to turn down offers from colleges.
Your best bet is to leave permanently, contact all the places who will offer those full rides and change your address. Remove his name from any applications. Even as an emergency contact.
I’ve seen stories of folks whose parents went behind their back and screwed them over royally.
If you decide to accept a full-ride to a particular place contact them now and let them know you’re in danger if you stay there. I’ve heard some can offer emergency housing.
Best of luck to you! Do NOT TRUST HIM!
Your dad is terrified you’ll leave him – that you will go to college and be somehow better than him – and look down on him as a result.
He is trying to freeze you in time, like a fly trapped in amber, rather than face his fear of what you will become when you spread your wings.
It’s not really about you as a person at all.
You need zero permission from him. The ONLY reason ANY man would want to keep you uneducated is to control you.
You’re 18, just go
Take whoever will offer you the full ride if possible, and get far away. This is off the deep end levels of nuts from him. IDK if it’s about control or misogyny, or whatever else, but it’s terrifying that he’s trying to make it sound like you have problems like that, people who don’t know you well or at all are very likely to believe something like that.
If at all possible, see if you can send your college applications through a different address so he can’t hide mail from you or go through anything that isn’t addressed to him.
Don’t let him hold you back from living life the way that you want to. We can raise our children, but we never should limit them needlessly. He sounds selfish and miserable.
Dad has lost his damn mind.
Sometimes our parents underestimate our worth. Sometimes they project their own feelings on us.
I was the first born, and I was the most successful of the family.
Sometimes you have to fight for your own future. Go and do it. Get whatever scholarships you can get and go to the school that gives you the best deal. It doesn’t matter if it’s a state school or whatever school. Do what you want. You will figure it out.
And eventually, he will be proud of you.
Tell him to fuck off. You are an adult you can do whatever the hell you want
Sounds like he is dependent on you.
Because he’s controlling and insecure, and you leaving would shatter the little power he feels he still has. It’s not about you being “dependent,” it’s about him needing you to stay dependent on him. Classic narcissistic, alcoholic dad move. You’ll have to choose your future over his ego eventually.
Stop asking why Dad won’t. Just say how am I. I am assuming you are in the US since you used the word college. All the things everyone else said. See if you can find another place to stay. Send in your applications. Request that application fees be waived. Get your local guidance counselor or other resource on your side to support these requests. Fill out the FAFSA. If either parent is unable to or refuses to provide their financial information, you can check that box.
Contact all admission counselors to make sure that you have all the deadline dates to be included in any school scholarship dates. Upon acceptance to each school, immediately call the financial aid office and explain the situation. Many schools have an exception or extenuating circumstance process. Apply for external scholarships that pay directly to you so you can use it for living expenses.
Don’t lose heart. There are many ways to make this happen if you really want it.
Would you be comfortable answering what ethnic and cultural background you and your father are from?