Id been dating a guy for the last 3 months, I’m 30f he is 35m. I really really liked him and the sex was the best I think I’ve ever had. Over the past few weeks, he grew distant. Despite everyone else’s advice, I called him last night and asked what was up.
Turns out, he started seeing sort-of ex 23f again and then described their relationship as bad, unhealthy, and toxic and said it would probably be bad again. He said he didn’t think he was making the right decision but he was going to do it anyway because he loves her. He said he’s struggling to love himself.
He said that I deserve better and we’re not on the same page. He said that I would be good for him and he really likes me and cares about me and respects me but he can’t do this right now. He said we were getting too close and it scared him so he tucked his tail between his legs.
The sex was out of this world and we had so much fun with him on adventures and all the stuff we did together until he pulled away. I really felt a soul connection with him and I started to fall in love with him, but I didn’t tell him that.
Over the last month, he’s been going out and getting messed up more, doing coke, drinking, etc. I don’t do any of that, except for cocktails on a night out on occasion. I don’t understand why he would choose someone 12 years his junior either.
I told him that I do deserve better and I’m not going to beg him, the heart wants what it wants and if that’s a toxic relationship, so be it, and that I hope it’s what makes him happy. I also told him to go to therapy.
I’m just so confused and hurt. I’m wondering if there is a chance he will come back or if its just a line he used. I just don’t understand the reasoning of pulling away from something he says is good for him, to chase something that’s already proven to be unhealthy and toxic?
Tl;Dr: guy I was seeing chose a toxic relationship over me “because he doesn’t love himself.” I am trying to understand why?
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I think to a considerable degree he was saying those things to you in an attempt to soften the blow of dumping you and he simply is more into her than you. He might come back but you shouldn’t want him to or take him if he does. He sounds like a mess anyway.
Don’t waste time with someone like him. His ex probably enables him and being younger is also easier to handle and control. Move on and focus on finding someone better
He like her more than you. it’s as simple as that. I’m surprised you’re asking. Nobody can control their feelings
I mean, no. It will not make him happy. That’s sort of the point.
Unfortunately people with a lot of problems often take steps to perpetuate, consolidate or even exacerbate their problems. This is a guy that is miserable and choosing to sabotage his life by making every wrong choice possible and that includes pursuing a toxic dynamic with a significantly younger woman. Note that’s alongside drug and drinking binges, she is an idea as bad for his life as becoming a coke addict. They are all symptoms of the same self destructive side he has.
He needs therapy. Likely he won’t pursue it. Rationally he knows what he is doing, he knows he is making the wrong choices he just hasn’t got the strength to make healthy and good choices, in fact the time he spent with you scares him because he just intrinsically doesn’t believe he deserves it or can maintain it or whatever.
And yeah, I don’t know that it will ever make sense to someone healthy. You assume that people will generally pursue what is good and positive but what he is doing is just self harm, it goes against that instinct and when you’re stuck in that mindset it can be hard to break out. And even if he does likely the damage to your ability to trust him is done, something he likely is aware of.
Unresolved childhood trauma from how his parents treated (and probably continue to treat) him.
In other words, if he was raised in a dysfunctional household, then he is most comfortable in dysfunction. The heavy drug / alcohol use is an unhealthy attempt to self medicate the unresolved pain.
Ask him about his parents / childhood and see what he says.
We do actionable advice because secondhand psychology is pretty much impossible. Move on, people generally don’t come back and you couldn’t trust him to stick around if he did
He sounds like a gem…
He saw what it would be like if he had an age-appropriate relationship with someone his own age. He realized he is incapable of that level of maturity and is taking the easy way out with a little girl who doesn’t yet have the experience to understand what he’s doing to her. When he describes the relationship as toxic and bad, please give yourself enough grace to recognize he’s telling on himself. This little girl isn’t toxic and bad nearly as much as she’s just a kid acting her age. In reality, he is likely the toxic and bad one… as evidenced through his toxic and bad behavior.
He literally told you their relationship is bad, unhealthy, and toxic. For some people, that intense cycle of highs, lows, drama, and making up feels like passion or true love because it’s what they’re used to, often from childhood patterns. Healthy, stable relationships can feel boring or even scary because they lack that chaotic spark they’re addicted to. He probably confuses intense drama with deep connection. It’s like going back to junk food when you know veggies are good for you, but the junk food just hits different in the moment.
Honestly you don’t need to understand it. All you need to understand is that he’s a different person to the person you’ve been presented the last 3 months.
Going out and doing loads of coke etc is just him showing his true self. I’d say you’ve dodged a bullet.
However, chances are in three months time he’s going to pop back up again and try to guilt trip you into taking him back. All you need to remember at that point is the fact he was quite happy to dump you to go and chase around a young girl. He wants the drama etc because that’s where he feels comfortable.
Just have the self respect to not get dragged into it, otherwise you’ll find that people like this have a tendency to ruin everything around them.
He probably said all those things so you feel better about it. I would assume he chose his ex because he feels she suits him better.
Just drop him and save your dignity. Try to move on and don’t look back.
Trust me, as someone similar to this guy who also chose his ex, though the age difference was only 5 years, consider yourself lucky. The short term hurt is much less than what you would have suffered if you had stayed together. Broken people choose broken people and when they choose someone healthy they either run, which is what he did, or they break them and then run.
Bottom line – for you it was terrific – but he apparently didn’t feel the same.
When you love someone – sometimes you make bad choices. And sometimes you need to work it through your system before you can move on. Even if that isn’t healthy.
Nothing you can do here – so move on. I’m sorry but it’s probably better off for you
It sounds like he is addicted to her, and vice versa: https://www.addictioncenter.com/behavioral-addictions/relationship-addiction/
This is not about you. He’s addicted to her and the toxicity that comes with the relationship. The constant conflict allows ups and downs that mean he can blow things up with her and then get back and feel the limerence again. The turbulence keeps triggering adrenaline and dopamine. He probably really did find a good and healthy path to love in you, but he’s like any addict craving his next hit. And thats honestly not a situation you want to be dealing with, even if he commits to therapy. Because that would be a long and rocky road with a lot of setbacks, including him regularly cheating on you and breaking up with you at various points, and you don’t want to be beside him for that long and painful ride, especially for a relationship that has only been a few months at this point.
Just remember that it isn’t you. Also, while great sex is important and it can be hard to find a good and generous partner sexually, it’s easy to let that draw you into limerence (and later into love) way too fast. I think you were falling in love with an idea you had of him, not with him. He showed you the best side of him, and probably even some completely fictional parts of him. Now you are seeing someone who abuses drugs, parties to keep up with a toxic 23 year old, and embraces toxic relationships. That isn’t the guy you want. The guy you want was a figment of your imagination fed by him hiding his true self.
I do hope he gets help and gets free, before he can hurt anyone else like he has hurt you. But I mostly hope you stay far away from him, mourn the loss of who you thought he was, realize it isn’t about you, and move on to a guy who really is the guy you grow to love.
Because you expect better of him than a toxic wild 23 year old does, and instead of wanting to be better, he ran away to what was easier. It’s not about you, it’s about him. He chose to run and take the easy path that didn’t require him to behave like a proper 35 year old man.
Also girl from your post history i think you romanticized this relationship because he was already doing other people and being a dick to you. How did you not see this coming?
You know I know that soul connection and i know from experience that for some damn reason this scares the men at first and they go running back to their ex. Look up twin flames and if it describes things that you’re thinking when you realized this a soul connection, it’s just a knowing. I’m sorry OP but the ONLY thing you can do is continue working on yourself!
Just echoing what everyone else is saying. The fact that he is telling you he wants the toxic relationship, is enough. He doesn’t feel the same about you, maybe to him the sex with the toxic girl is more fun bc they can be insane together. It seems that is what he is looking for, this is not a healthy or normal person. He actually shouldn’t be dating period, the demons he is chasing will always be around until he confronts himself, which judging by his behavior he won’t be doing. Babes move on, block this man, cleaner yourself of his energy and live your best life. I promise you being in a secure and healthy relationship with a man that wants you and fights for you will feel a zillion times better, than what ever bs you have been dealing with. Let this 35 year old man child, destroy his body, catch some std, get depressed and then he might actually start working on himself.
I’m no psychologist, but people who have been in abusive relationships in the past return to them because it feels normal to them. He really needs help learning how to be in a normal, loving relationship.
So, he needs therapy and you need to leave him behind.
Some people like to be treated badly. No use trying to understand something that will never make sense. At least you found this out relatively soon in your relationship.
He was bored with you. And the sex was not as amazing for him as it was for you. That’s the bottom line. You were way more into him than he was ever into you.
And look at his lifestyle. Doing hardcore drugs. No doubt he knows you would not be down for that. I’m guessing his ex is
Just move on. He’s not the catch you imagined he was. He’s a train wreck.