My husband and his brother have been estranged for over 10 years, as in haven’t spoken to each other or been in the same room together. They never got along as kids and as adults they had a falling out and neither cared enough to repair the relationship as they both didn’t like each other anyway. My BIL over the last 10 years has come to actively hate my husband and I from what we’ve heard from other people, like people do not even speak about us in front of him because of it.
Now, onto my MIL. My BIL has two kids and we have one. We’ve never met this kids and they’ve never met our child. As far as I know, BIL and SIL don’t really know much about our kid but I don’t know that for sure obviously. Understandably my MIL loves her grandkids very much and talks about them a lot. Now when I say I know everything about my BILs kids, I know everything. I know about his daughters multiple UTIs, what sports teams they play for, when they learned to ride a bike, everything they do for vacation, etc. I know more about them than I do my friends kids because my MIL talks about them SO MUCH. I honestly feel like my BIL wouldn’t want us to know so much about his kids since he hates us so much. But every conversation my MIL has she finds a way to turn it about my BILs kids. Like if I say my child has gymnastics that week she’ll say his kid just did a back handspring. I feel bad because I don’t think she has many friends to talk to about them but honestly I’m sick of hearing about the kids and feeling like everything is about them. I’ve tried kind of ignoring her when she says something about them or changing the topic but it doesn’t always work that great.
So WIBTA for asking her to stop talking about them so much or even completely?
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My husband and his brother have been estranged for over 10 years, as in haven’t spoken to each other or been in the same room together. They never got along as kids and as adults they had a falling out and neither cared enough to repair the relationship as they both didn’t like each other anyway. My BIL over the last 10 years has come to actively hate my husband and I from what we’ve heard from other people, like people do not even speak about us in front of him because of it.
Now, onto my MIL. My BIL has two kids and we have one. We’ve never met this kids and they’ve never met our child. As far as I know, BIL and SIL don’t really know much about our kid but I don’t know that for sure obviously. Understandably my MIL loves her grandkids very much and talks about them a lot. Now when I say I know everything about my BILs kids, I know everything. I know about his daughters multiple UTIs, what sports teams they play for, when they learned to ride a bike, everything they do for vacation, etc. I know more about them than I do my friends kids because my MIL talks about them SO MUCH. I honestly feel like my BIL wouldn’t want us to know so much about his kids since he hates us so much. But every conversation my MIL has she finds a way to turn it about my BILs kids. Like if I say my child has gymnastics that week she’ll say his kid just did a back handspring. I feel bad because I don’t think she has many friends to talk to about them but honestly I’m sick of hearing about the kids and feeling like everything is about them. I’ve tried kind of ignoring her when she says something about them or changing the topic but it doesn’t always work that great.
So WIBTA for asking her to stop talking about them so much or even completely?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to ask my MIL to stop talking to me about her grandkids and I fear that I may be the asshole because they’re her grandkids and she has a right to talk about them even if I don’t want to hear about them.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Softly Y T A . NTA I Feel like you’re playing into whatever feud your husband and his brother have. Sounds like your mother-in-law is just talking about what her experience is as a grandparent and trying to stay neutral and you aren’t. I would try to separate her from this food and just deal with her as you would any other grandmother talking about their grandkids.
After reading what led to them not talking I changed my mind I wouldn’t allow her to mention that man or his kids in my house.
Edited
Info-Do you think she is speaking of the kids because she’s hoping it will inspire the brothers to patch things up? Or could it be she wants your child to know your BIL’s children? Part of the best times in my childhood were when my sisters and I had our cousins around. Sorry if the questions are too personal.
YWBTA, It’s probably her joy in life. Smile and nod. Visit less often, if you don’t want to hear about them. She won’t change if you ask, she’ll just get upset and angry. If the others are the golden grandchildren, it may be a good idea to interact less with her.
I would definitely cut her off when she starts talking about private info. Like, “I don’t think (child) would be comfortable with that information being shared.” Or “I am not comfortable hearing about a child’s private medical info”.
But otherwise, just try to change the topic and maybe encourage her to join activities to expand her social circle.
NAH
NTA, i think MIL has ulterior motives doing this. I’m sure your husband and your BIL have not been in the same room together for a very long time. She is trying to work around this feud by proxy. I’m guessing(although you have no way to find out, unless you have some kind of commo avenue to the BIL’S wife) that she is telling your BIL’s wife all about your kids as well. It’s time to tell her if she wants to be able to heal the rift it’s up to the brothers instead of telling the wife’s all about kids that they have never met.
Talk about how awesome your mother is and turn every conversation on how great they treat your kid etc
Comments are weird, I think NTA?? You’ve never met this kid, why do you know about her UTIs? You’re right that BIL would probably be incredibly uncomfortable knowing people he doesn’t like know intimate things about his kids lives and you should frame it that way when you talk to her. Just say you really appreciate her trying to keep you in the loop but you don’t think BIL would be comfortable with her sharing this much and maybe you should focus on your kid while you’re together. It’s incredibly personal information and mothers tend to over share to an uncomfortable degree, I don’t understand why the comments think she’s just a sweet lonely woman who NEEDS to talk about her grandchildren to you specifically when she evidently talks about them a lot to BIL too. Ultimately though since it’s your husbands family it’s probably his decision too and whatever he feels comfortable with should be what you go with
Sounds like a very difficult situation. Wondering if she is speaking about them only to you or to you and your husband. How does he feel about it?
Changing the subject is probably the best you can do unless your husband wants to take it a different direction. It’s his mother, so he should really be the one to intervene if intervention is needed.
The woman can’t have her children and grandchildren together in the same room and now you don’t even want her to talk about them to you? You admitted she also doesn’t have a lot of friends. She sounds lonely and probably sad that her family is split. YTA.
YWBTA. This is not your place. This all has to do with your husband’s brother, your husband’s mother, your husband’s nieces & nephews.
Your husband should be the one to gently talk to his mother, not you.
YWBTA if you asked her to stop talking about her grands. And I can almost guarantee that she speaks of your kid to the brother’s family as well. She may be over sharing, but that’s all she’s done wrong. Please remember this scenario if you become a grandmother.
Just spend less time around her. If she wants to see your child, let your husband be the one to be with her while that happens, you go do something else. Avoid having meals with her, situations where you are “stuck” and have to listen.
NTA People who only ever talk about one thing can get boring to be around. Make yourself scarce.
I hope you’re not feeding your MIL any information about your kid, because she’s for sure giving them the same amount of information about your kid, in the same amount detail as you’re receiving.
Your MIL doesn’t have anyfriendsbecause she’s got a big mouth. I would not be surprised that she’s the reason the brothers are still estranged.
So, what is YOUR feud with this brother? What is your feud with the CHILDREN? Unless you specifically have one, you should just realize that this does not affect you. I mean, like, at all..
YTA
NAH. Your MIL is excited to share but she is over sharing and that needs to stop. Personal information is not to be shared as I’m sure she does the same about your child. Sports teams and such, she’s just excited about and as she doesn’t have everyone together, this is her chance to feel a family connection.
You aren’t wrong for thinking she is overstepping though. Again, personal info like UTI’s is not your business. And if you feel like it’s too much, just tell her so. Suggest other topics or simply tell her that sharing very personal information without the consent of the person being spoken about is not ok and if she continues, change the subject. Wash, rinse, repeat until she gets the idea.
Frankly she sounds lonely and wishes her children were a part of each others lives. That isn’t a bad thing, but if she is overwhelming you with information you don’t feel comfortable having, she needs to understand and respect that too.
Nta
I was gonna say y t a but.
Mil doesnt need to bring his family into every conversation.
NTA My stepmom and a friend of 60 years each have a way of high jacking a conversation and making it about herself. They don’t know how to listen and give appropriate feedback. Maybe low self esteem. Maybe trying to show superiority. Sometimes it feels like I entered into a competition.
Maybe MIL feels guilty about raising sons who dislike each other and attempts to keep this issue active as a feeble way to unite the family.
Whatever is motivating her to do this isn’t important.
Do no harm. Gently tell her you are changing the subject. You do not wish to hear about her other son and his family to honor your husband’s feelings.
YTA. If you don’t want to hear someone talk about their grandkids, don’t visit. What did the kids do? Every older person goes on non-stop about their grandkids. Why do you need to force the anger that the brothers have for each other into your relationship with your MIL?
Info:
I have got to know what the falling out was over. Like the fact that your MIL has just accepted that her kids hate eachother and she has to live a divided life in order to see both kids &grandkids. Bruh.
What was said that made the divide this steep?
YTA. It’s bad enough that cousins don’t know each other because their parents are AH and now you want to make it so they don’t even know anything about each other. You are an AH. Instead of wishing things were better between the two brothers you seem to enjoy that they hate each other and want to hate the kids too. What a way to exist
NTA. There are lots of other things she can talk to you about and plenty of other people she can talk to about her other grandchildren.
I’m going NTA because she seems to be playing a one-upping game, not just innocently talking about her other grandkids. Plus, when she’s with you she should focus on your kid and talking g about your kid more than theirs imo.
Why did you BIL call you Saran in the first place? His accusations are horrid, and don’t your in laws see that?
I think you can try to talk with MIL with your husband, but not alone. Gently explain that it feels too intimate to know medical info about a child you don’t even know personally. But don’t try to stop the general info about sports, etc. that’s normal grandparent talk and unfair to stifle it.
As for a focus on your family and child, what do you do to foster the connection? It’s not just your atheism that is the problem, is it? Is your husband atheist, agnostic or a believer?
Draw a line about the info but be kind about listening to some of it that does not feel competitive. If it starts to feel that way, call it out calmly and change the subject.
Yes. They are her family too. It’s not her fault her children are too childish and immature to act like adults.