I asked my parents if I could visit home with my partner. I said I wouldn’t come if I wasn’t respected, meaning if my relationship and my partner weren’t respected. I gave them a week to answer, saying if I got no reply, I’d assume it meant no. After a week of silence, I followed up saying I understood no answer meant no, and that I’d just see them at church. I also told them I loved and missed them.
This was my mom’s response (her original message was long, emotional, and in broken English, I’ve kept her wording close, just paraphrased for easier reading):
“I want you to be happy, I want you to be with me to make me happy. Every day I cry for you, I am depressed and can’t do anything.
I sent you away for your future. When I send you to out of state school, I thought after a few years you would come back, proud and happy. I sacrificed to send my child away from home. Now without any achievement or goal, you say you just want to visit me with a man. You are not even thinking about your future. You don’t want a decent future or family.
Friendship is okay with everyone, but for your life partner you must always choose from your own people. A man from outside will always choose his own people for stability and future. Otherwise you will be nothing from both sides out of both communities. You may think I am stupid to write this, but everyone from our background thinks the same way. People are proud to stay within their own, even for their children’s future. I don’t understand why you don’t understand. I keep saying this for your better life because I am your mom. No one else will talk to you like this. Nobody cares.
In this world no one will love you except your mother. Remember when your friend’s parent once told you he was good? Do you know why she said that? Because for her, you are like ‘who cares.’ In her mind you are already dirty, same as others think. When I see them in the future, I will ask them ‘if this happens to your daughter, will you say the same thing?’ Definitely they hate you in their mind.
Don’t you feel embarrassed to walk in front of other parents or other people from our community?
Sorry I write this way, but I still love you. I want you to live with me, not just visit. Only you, you are my child, my house is your house too.
If you come with him to church like this, then I guess I have to stop going to this church. I already stand there with tears all the time, and all the people look at me like something happened to me. I never told anyone anything.”
Now I’m torn. Part of me feels like I should still bring my partner; I don’t want to hide him just because my mom is embarrassed. But another part of me thinks maybe I should just go to a different service/church to avoid making it worse for her and avoid drama in general.
WIBTA if I brought my partner to church anyway, even though she clearly doesn’t want me to?
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I asked my parents if I could visit home with my partner. I said I wouldn’t come if I wasn’t respected, meaning if my relationship and my partner weren’t respected. I gave them a week to answer, saying if I got no reply, I’d assume it meant no. After a week of silence, I followed up saying I understood no answer meant no, and that I’d just see them at church. I also told them I loved and missed them.
This was my mom’s response (her original message was long, emotional, and in broken English, I’ve kept her wording close, just paraphrased for easier reading):
“I want you to be happy, I want you to be with me to make me happy. Every day I cry for you, I am depressed and can’t do anything.
I sent you away for your future. When I send you to out of state school, I thought after a few years you would come back, proud and happy. I sacrificed to send my child away from home. Now without any achievement or goal, you say you just want to visit me with a man. You are not even thinking about your future. You don’t want a decent future or family.
Friendship is okay with everyone, but for your life partner you must always choose from your own people. A man from outside will always choose his own people for stability and future. Otherwise you will be nothing from both sides out of both communities. You may think I am stupid to write this, but everyone from our background thinks the same way. People are proud to stay within their own, even for their children’s future. I don’t understand why you don’t understand. I keep saying this for your better life because I am your mom. No one else will talk to you like this. Nobody cares.
In this world no one will love you except your mother. Remember when your friend’s parent once told you he was good? Do you know why she said that? Because for her, you are like ‘who cares.’ In her mind you are already dirty, same as others think. When I see them in the future, I will ask them ‘if this happens to your daughter, will you say the same thing?’ Definitely they hate you in their mind.
Don’t you feel embarrassed to walk in front of other parents or other people from our community?
Sorry I write this way, but I still love you. I want you to live with me, not just visit. Only you, you are my child, my house is your house too.
If you come with him to church like this, then I guess I have to stop going to this church. I already stand there with tears all the time, and all the people look at me like something happened to me. I never told anyone anything.”
Now I’m torn. Part of me feels like I should still bring my partner; I don’t want to hide him just because my mom is embarrassed. But another part of me thinks maybe I should just go to a different service/church to avoid making it worse for her and avoid drama in general.
WIBTA if I brought my partner to church anyway, even though she clearly doesn’t want me to?
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I’m not sure why you’re asking when you’re so determined to leave out the real INFO – give us the actual context if you want anyone to be able to take any kind of informed view on this.
If you want meaningful responses you’re going to have to stop being vague.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> bring my s.o. to the ethnic church or not. if i do, it might ruin my parents’ image to a point they refuse to to go to church anymore even though they’re very relgious ppl
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Not enough info. You don’t even explain what your mother’s issue with your partner is.
So, you’re more worried about how your mom will feel about you being in church with your partner, who is a different ethnicity than you, than what could possibly happen to your partner if they’re in a location full of racists?
INFO: What would the church’s reaction be to your relationship? If negative, what do you gain by going?
YWBTA to bring your partner to church. Your mother has told you that if you take your partner to church even one time, she will never go there again. Of course your mother is in the wrong and you are not. Even so, why not leave your mother’s church alone so it won’t be spoiled for her?
If you lived there and really cared about going to church on the regular, that would be another story. But just for a visit, it’s not so important for you to go to that church. Give your mother that little bit of a break.
this sounds like it might be an ethnicity thing. not enough info, cannot judge
Why would you bring your partner to a church where they’d be singled out? Your mother is manipulative, possibly racist, why do you want to subject someone you care about to that nonsense?
I feel very sad for people who are so entrenched in their religion or culture or phobias that they are embittered and saddened when their adult children make different choices. I get *why* they feel that way, but I wish for their own sake they could relax their stringency so they can be happy again.
My advice is that you find another church. You cannot change your mother. So there is no point in trying to force your partner on her. It doesn’t matter what the circumstances are (different culture, different race, different gender, etc) the bottom line is your choice makes her unhappy, so you have a choice to not upset her further if that matters to you. If you can be happy a different church with your partner and your mother can save face at her church, then that’s the only way to handle this. She will still be unhappy since are with a partner she doesn’t approve, but she won’t have to see it. She’s only harming herself, but like I said, you can’t change her mind.
You’re missing a ton of information here but regardless, you are NTA. You should live your life according to your own values and principles, not according to your parent’s. If you would like to attend church with your partner, then do so. If your mom has a problem with it then that’s on her, not you. That being said, where is the advantage in doing this? Why would you want to expose yourself and your partner to this kind of drama and emotional abuse? Whatever the problem is, it doesn’t sound like your mom will ever come around because she does not want to.
I am all for people living their lives as they see fit as long as it’s not harmful to others, but why does your mom feel this way? Is there any valid basis for her concerns? Does your partner have a criminal record, are they abusive, are they unemployed and living off of you, etc? Is this simply a race or ethnicity issue? Please update your post to include this information.
>I want you to be happy,
Except the part where the person who makes you happy isn’t welcome.
NTA. Your mom, on the other hand….she needs to develop some better coping skills than blackmail.
I think that that there is nothing to be gained by creating the sort of drama your appearance at her church would cause. You know this, so what is you point in doing it? To punish her? Humiliate her? Or do you hope for some sort of reconciliation? If the latter, there are better ways to go.
Of course you are free to go to the church. But actions do have consequences, and yours may not be to your liking.
My opinion, but I do think in this case, YWBTA. Find a better way to do whatever it is you are trying to do.
Sooo she’s a racist?
So your racist mother is embarrassed that her daughter is dating someone from a different ethnicity and doesn’t want any of her friends to know.
A church should be a friendly and accepting place… it’s sadly not living up to biblical principles otherwise.
NTA, but honestly is it worth it? Perhaps home is where you make it and that’s just the place you grew up (and out of)
NTA
Your family sounds extremely bigoted and controlling
Your mother is seriously trying to guilt trip you into doing what SHE wants, not what you want or need. I’ve told my mom that if she continued to do that (which she’s done my whole life) our relationship was over once I got married. She continued of course calling my bluff. And now we’re virtually NC for the last few years. You need to do what is best for you, not your mom. NTA.
Your mother is mistaken and prejudiced, but she is hurting. In your shoes, I would not bring your partner to her church.
Hmm. NTA but I think you have something to worry about.
“I keep saying this for your better life because I am your mom. No one else will talk to you like this. Nobody cares.
In this world no one will love you except your mother. Remember when your friend’s parent once told you he was good? Do you know why she said that? Because for her, you are like ‘who cares.’ In her mind you are already dirty, same as others think. When I see them in the future, I will ask them ‘if this happens to your daughter, will you say the same thing?’ Definitely they hate you in their mind.
Don’t you feel embarrassed to walk in front of other parents or other people from our community?“
That is very problematic. This is how a narcissist talks to their children. Trying to shame, isolate. In this world no one will love you. Phew. That’s harsh. The manipulation with guilt too. Man…
I think this problem is going to get bigger the longer you feed her.
I would do the church thing, call her bluff. But then again I have complete apathy towards my mother. It seems like you care for yours. But NTA.
What weird cult or sect do they belong to? What ‘community’ are they talking about?
I don’t subscribe to your mother’s way of seeing the world. Nonetheless, I think it would be in your best interests to ask yourself a few questions. First, what is your purpose in bringing your partner to specifically her church instead of another? I don’t disagree that you have a right to worship where you choose. However, just because you have a right to or can do something doesn’t mean you “should.” To answer this question, I think it’s important to consult your own values, your ethics, and the second and third order effects on others and you. What choices would result in your liking the face in the mirror more or less at the end of the day? That leads to the second question: What is your goal for your relationship with your mother and other family? Third: How would you feel if someone made a choice, after you asked them not to, to take something from you or damage something that you valued greatly as your mother does her church and her relationships there? What would your advice be if another person told you this story?
NTA.. the text of your mother is filled with completely unreasonable expectations. Its filled with bigotry and prejudice. And more to the point, she thinks just because she has certain wishes and expectations that you should have to comply with them for the sake of her happiness. To her it doesn’t actually matter if you are happy despite what she says. She only wants you to be happy in the way she defines happiness. the fact that your mother can’t accept your happiness despite it not being what she would have wanted speaks volumes about your mother as a parent. If she doesn’t get her way, its wrong and bad and you should know better. I understand differing cultures. I understand differing belief systems. What I can’t understand is being so fixated on a particular outcome that you shun you own child from your life over BS stuff like this. Id honestly be LC/NC with them at this point. You can still love someone and be separated from them.
INFO- There’s a lot of missing info here. Is your partner a different race than you? Are they the same gender as you? How would your church react to the both of you attending?
Have you considered… Atheism?
Your Mother is racist. IF she stands in the church crying like she says, she’s playing victim also. We all want what’s best for our children, we want them to love and to be loved, we want them to be happy. She is using guilt tactics here and has no respect for your relationship. I would say don’t go. She will just play the martyr. NTA
Your mom is insane, stay away from her and any church that promotes that type of thinking.
INFO: What commiunity did you find your partner outside of??? At first I thought you were LGBTQ or somthing but as the story went on it sounded like your mom as just racist, maybe???
INFO: whatever sort of mixed “community” relationship you’re in… is the church itself likely to be welcoming to you both???
—
Without those answers, I’m gonna go with NTA, but also not a good idea either.
Going to YOUR church and bringing YOUR partner along doesn’t sound like an a-hole move to me. But it still feels like you should be trying to avoid poking htem in the eye and causing drama at church. Maybe try to go to services at a different time from your folks if you can.
Info: How confident are you that your mother’s racist (or xenophobic or homophobic or whatever prejudice and hate) are not shared by or condoned by this church? In my experience people with such beliefs don’t attend churches that challenge or refute such beliefs and instead tend to congregate with others who share their beliefs (not saying every single person but enough that it’s condoned even if kept just under the surface.).
It would be highly unfair to bring your partner to a church if you know even under the surface of being cordial the same prejudices as your mom’s are present. And if you know the church tolerates or condones the same hate and prejudice as your mom, what would the point of bringing your partner be?
NTA! Your mother is either racist or in a cult. Maybe both?
My first question is, why do you feel it necessary to go to church, or their church?
Lots of other questions, but that is the first one.
If you normally go to this church, if you would normally take your partner, do all the things you normally do and let your mom do whatever she wants.
If her church judges her like that for the man her daughter chose or whatever other reasons then she needs to go to a different church anyway. I’m not sure what culture you are from or what “your people” are but this is not okay. I understand if he’s not a good man and she’s trying to protect you but she shouldn’t be acting like this just because he’s from somewhere else. Good luck and don’t let her manipulate you.
Depends if you have thought through the possible and likely reactions. What do you think the others in your church will think or say? Will many of them be as disturbed and distressed as your mother? Will they be civil on the surface, and gossip behind your (and your mom’s) back? Is her threat to quit attending this church serious, or is it a hyperbole to convey to you how embarrassing this is for her?