For context I (23F) am closing on my first home in less than a month and looking forward to throwing a housewarming party to celebrate. With that being said, when inviting my Dad (46 M) there will be a stipulation involved, he must arrive and stay sober throughout the event to attend. If he cannot he will not be invited to attend.
Me and my bf are both non-drinker (alcoholism runs in our families) and would like for the party to be a dry event, since it will be held in our house. My dad has a history of alcoholism and it has caused contention recently between the two of us, hence the stipulation.
I mentioned this to a friend and they said it might be an asshole move to basically give family and ultimatum when it comes to such a big life event.
To clarify I do really want my dad there but I want him to be sober for an event that’s really special to me.
So WIBTA?
Edit :
We are planning to have a party earlier in the day to help the situation out.
Also the whole event would be dry, but my dad is definitely the closest relative that might have a problem with it.
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For context I (23F) am closing on my first home in less than a month and looking forward to throwing a housewarming party to celebrate. With that being said, when inviting my Dad (46 M) there will be a stipulation involved, he must arrive and stay sober throughout the event to attend. If he cannot he will not be invited to attend.
Me and my bf are both non-drinker (alcoholism runs in our families) and would like for the party to be a dry event, since it will be held in our house. My dad has a history of alcoholism and it has caused contention recently between the two of us, hence the stipulation.
I mentioned this to a friend and they said it might be an asshole move to basically give family and ultimatum when it comes to such a big life event.
To clarify I do really want my dad there but I want him to be sober for an event that’s really special to me.
So WIBTA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Giving an invitation with a stipulation
2. Might leave out an important family member
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, your house your rules.
It’s pretty pointless to give ultimatums to an addict. You probably need to accept that you simply can’t invite him to important events if his sobriety is necessary.
No conflict to judge, this is your choice and who knows what his response might be.
NTA – Having boundaries in your own home for a grown ass adult when they visit is something we all have including your smug little friend.
NTA.
Your friend didn’t have to grow up with an alcoholic in the family. Your instinct is correct.
My dad was an alcoholic (died of lung cancer, but with severe liver damage), and my older brother is a drinker. My daughter had a “dry” wedding at her request. Reception was AT the church. My brother apparently couldn’t conceive of such a thing. He “pre-gamed” at the hotel bar and was probably getting a hangover by dinner. No incident, but just a big disconnect on what it means to “celebrate.”
I would suggest you set an early afternoon time for the housewarming. “Most” people don’t assume there will be drinking before 5.
NTA. This is a very reasonable stance. Just so you know, the odds of your father staying sober are very low, If he is this much of a problem drinker he will probably just try and sneak in a flask.
NTA Your friend has never had to deal with an alcoholic in the family. You could tell him, Dad I love you when you are sober. My house is dry. There will not be any alcohol at my house, ever. I would love to have you at my house warming. If you show up after drinking I will not let you in. If you bring alcohol with you, I will not let you in. If you can arrive sober and stay sober I would love to have you at my housewarming party.
Drunks stop drinking when continuing to drink hurts more than not drinking. The realization his own children do not want him around might start to get through to him. Or not. Some people simply can not stop drinking.
You don’t want your dad there, you want the man you wish your dad is.
But…………….
If you’re in the US, there’s no way a 23-year-old buys a house by herself these days. Is the reason you want your dad there is because of how much he contributed to your purchase.
Sorry – I’m old and skeptical!
NTA. Provided sweet/unsweet tea, sodas, water, and fun sparkling waters. No alcohol. Whatever happens to him, he brought upon himself (if he does bring alcohol to the party).
NTA just announce that this is an alcohol-free event to everyone. If anyone cannot handle that, they should decline.
NTA. Addicts will always let you down, though. In general, they aren’t bad people, but alcohol and drugs make them do bad things to the people that they love. You can tell a drunk to stop drinking, but in many cases they physically cannot control their need for alcohol. And the reality is that once your father is there, it will be very difficult to make him leave without causing a scene – he’s not going to go voluntarily, and you know that.
Minor quibble: “Stipulation” means “agreement.” It’s also not really an “ultimatum,” since that refers to a final demand prior to taking some kind of action. What you’re talking about is a condition. (Sorry, lawyer here.)
And it’s a reasonable one. You can ensure that he won’t get drunk while there by just not serving alcohol, I would expect. What you’re really asking, then, is whether it’s reasonable to turn him away if he shows up intoxicated. My vote is, it is. It’s your house, after all. NTA. (How he got there, if he shows up drunk, is another question. Either he drove under the influence – BOOOOOO – or someone enabled him by driving him? Or he took public transit or walked, I guess?)
What do you mean by “sober”? To me, that means “not drunk”. Just in case your father thinks the same as me, I would be clear you mean zero alcohol consumption.
Actually, if neither home owner drinks at all, I would make that the rule for everyone. Might make it a shorter party, but honestly if you have just moved in, you probably won’t mind an early night.
NTA.
NTA. It is your home, so you say what goes. With family history, if I were invited I would get it and happily have a soda.
NTA, your home your rules, but big life event? Girl it’s a housewarming party
You’re NTA for wanting your dad to be sober but your stipulation reveals that you lack understanding of how addiction operates. Your stipulation assumes your dad has a choice whether to drink. However, addiction rewires the brain to create a compulsion. Your dad will drink whether he wants to or not because his body believes he needs to and because he lacks agency to make another choice. Additionally, depending on the level of addiction, it can actually be dangerous to ask a person to abstain outside of a medically supervised detox. Your heart is in the right place here, but I think you have a lot of learning to do.
NTA. It’s totally reasonable to want everyone at your party to be sober. Even alcoholics can stay sober for a few hours. Drunks can multiply the potential problems that could come up.
That being said, if it’s an evening party, he will probably drink some before coming. If you want him there, have it in the morning or early afternoon.
NTA- He has a history that deserves it and it’s your house with your rules. Asking for him to show up sober and stay that way at a dry event is no more of an ask than having people take their shoes off at the door.
NAH. You can tell him it’s a dry event and he’ll show up having already been drinking. Or you can surprise him by having no alcohol when he arrives and he’ll either have already been drinking or he’ll leave to drink. He’s an addict. There’s no real ultimatum unless it’s an intervention.
NTA. Its your home. If you want a dry party you can have it, but are you telling all your guests that? When you send invites (or however you are doing it) stipulate it is a dry event. Don’t just single out your dad.