I’m 21. My parents had me at 15, split when I was 3. I haven’t seen my father since then. He went on to have 8 more kids; three were in his custody (12F, 10M, 8M). I’m my mom’s only child.
When I was 16, he reached out, saying he was getting clean for his kids. He apologized to me and my mom (she never got the message). He knew sorry wouldn’t fix things but wanted to do better for his children. He offered to let me meet my siblings and said if I didn’t want to see him, he’d arrange it through our grandmother.
I declined, asking for photos/videos only. I didn’t want them to know I existed. He respected that. I obsessed over every picture, noticing every bruise and bandaid. Eventually, I went to therapy and accepted he was a better dad to them than he ever was to me. I came to see him as someone different from the man who raised me, he was no longer my dad, but he was theirs.
I never told my mom I was in contact with his side of the family.
He died this year in a car crash. The kids are going to my paternal aunt. Since I’m his oldest child, I was legally next of kin and claimed the body at my grandmother’s request. My mom found out and was thrilled, she wanted to cremate him and flush the ashes or throw them out.
I ignored her and met his 12 yr daughter. She didn’t want to cry in front of me because she knew he hadn’t been a good dad to me. She had seen my Facebook bookmarked on his computer and asked him about it. He told her he had hurt me, that a bandaid wasn’t enough to fix it, that bandaids fixed small cuts and he had smashed a vase. She didn’t fully understand but tried to respect my feelings.
I told her this wasn’t about mourning my father, I’d already done that. This was about her dad. She cried, I comforted her, and decided then that this funeral would be for them. Trashing his ashes wouldn’t hurt him, only them.
With help from my grandmother and some of his friends, we’re planning a funeral in his town. I won’t mention myself or his other children. I’ll write that he struggled with addiction, hurt people, and couldn’t undo it, but got clean, and did his best for the three kids who had no one else.
My mom is furious. She says I shouldn’t honor him after what he did. She’s stopped speaking to me and threatened to cut me off if I go through with it. Others in town are starting to treat me differently too.
But I stand by this: the kids deserve a chance to say goodbye to their dad. They’re innocent. This funeral isn’t for him, it’s for them.
I had to shorten it due to character limit so some details got cut out.
So, Reddit, WIBTA for holding a funeral for my “father” despite my mother’s wishes?
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I’m 21. My parents had me at 15, split when I was 3. I haven’t seen my father since then. He went on to have 8 more kids; three were in his custody (12F, 10M, 8M). I’m my mom’s only child.
When I was 16, he reached out, saying he was getting clean for his kids. He apologized to me and my mom (she never got the message). He knew sorry wouldn’t fix things but wanted to do better for his children. He offered to let me meet my siblings and said if I didn’t want to see him, he’d arrange it through our grandmother.
I declined, asking for photos/videos only. I didn’t want them to know I existed. He respected that. I obsessed over every picture, noticing every bruise and bandaid. Eventually, I went to therapy and accepted he was a better dad to them than he ever was to me. I came to see him as someone different from the man who raised me, he was no longer my dad, but he was theirs.
I never told my mom I was in contact with his side of the family.
He died this year in a car crash. The kids are going to my paternal aunt. Since I’m his oldest child, I was legally next of kin and claimed the body at my grandmother’s request. My mom found out and was thrilled, she wanted to cremate him and flush the ashes or throw them out.
I ignored her and met his 12 yr daughter. She didn’t want to cry in front of me because she knew he hadn’t been a good dad to me. She had seen my Facebook bookmarked on his computer and asked him about it. He told her he had hurt me, that a bandaid wasn’t enough to fix it, that bandaids fixed small cuts and he had smashed a vase. She didn’t fully understand but tried to respect my feelings.
I told her this wasn’t about mourning my father, I’d already done that. This was about her dad. She cried, I comforted her, and decided then that this funeral would be for them. Trashing his ashes wouldn’t hurt him, only them.
With help from my grandmother and some of his friends, we’re planning a funeral in his town. I won’t mention myself or his other children. I’ll write that he struggled with addiction, hurt people, and couldn’t undo it, but got clean, and did his best for the three kids who had no one else.
My mom is furious. She says I shouldn’t honor him after what he did. She’s stopped speaking to me and threatened to cut me off if I go through with it. Others in town are starting to treat me differently too.
But I stand by this: the kids deserve a chance to say goodbye to their dad. They’re innocent. This funeral isn’t for him, it’s for them.
I had to shorten it due to character limit so some details got cut out.
So, Reddit, WIBTA for holding a funeral for my “father” despite my mother’s wishes?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think i might be the asshole because maybe i shouldnt be involved at all? Maybe i should turn the body over to my grandmother? Or maybe i should cremate it and just let my grandmother do something with the kids so that he has no funeral or grave, that way my mom gets her way to.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
You are doing the right thing and looking out for those kids, even to your own detriment. I hope that your mother will come around and understand some day.
NTA: Don’t keep your mom informed any more.
You might want to revisit your counsellor. Your mom can decide not to attend but she can’t dictate to you what you do in this regard.
Sorry you are going through this.
Definitely NTA, as you said this funeral isn’t for him it’s for his kids, funerals aren’t for the dead they’re for the living. His kids are fairly young and losing a parent is incredibly traumatic, the least they deserve is a place to mourn him and say goodbye. It’s frustrating of course, that he wasn’t great to your mom it seems or hurt people in his life, but as you said it won’t hurt him to disrespect his body now. That being said, are you in a position where you can live a good life if your mom cuts you off? The only reason I would say don’t go through with it is if it would put you in a harmful situation. Is there maybe another family member who could reason with her about it? Or a family friend? If you would be unsafe conducting the funeral, is there a way you could have someone else head organizing it and just help out maybe? Regardless, your mom shouldn’t be putting you in this situation, wishing you the best OP.
My parents had a bad split as well. My dad has been dead for over 10 years and she still complains about him. The only way I could get her to drop it around me is to leave if we are talking and hang up if we are on the phone. It took her about a year to figure out I was tired of hearing her complain about my father.
u are not the A**hole . The only thing i suggest is to maybe rephrase that he did drugs and then came clean. I wouldn’t even say that. I would just say my father had a past and he bettered himself for these beautiful children. Or something along those lines not everyone is going to agree with you but for those babies, I think you did the right thing.
Despite the history, you’re doing a good thing for some kids who need it. Well done, and good luck.
YWNBTA.
NTA.
You sound like a lovely, thoughtful, caring and mature person. Well done you on proceeding how you are. It’s nothing at all to do with your mum, although it’s clear he really hurt her.
You’d be an AH to his little children if you did what your mother wanted. She is behaving like a child with her horrible ultimatum but you should be really proud of yourself for your moral standards.
Might be worth mentioning your plans, your reasons and your mother’s unreasonable behaviour to you to friends so that it circulates and cuts through her twisting the narrative.
Again, well done on being a very decent human being.
Wow, NTA. NTA like 1000% your empathy for those children is extraordinary. Thank you, for being a good person and choosing kindness in this world.
NTA. You have more grace and heart than many older people I’ve seen lately. I cried just reading your post.
You are absoulutely not the AH here. You have grown into a mature, kind and thoughtful young man. You are absolutely doing the right thing here. Sometimes doing the right thing is really hard. Your mother seems to be operating from a place of anger and hurt, and unfortunately she is lashing out at you. Through that lens of anger and pain, she is not going to understand that the funeral is not to honor the man, but to make an effort to comfort three INNOCENT kids that lost the only parent they had. If her eyes were not clouded she would see that her son has grown up to be a good man that is doing what is right instead of what is easy. I am sorry you are going through all this, she should be proud of you and your actions instead of punishing you.
NTA you are showing everyone around you how to act with grace and emotional intelligence. You are a good person and I wish you all the best.
You are a kind and understanding person. Thank you so much for being so considerate of your dads’ other kids’ feelings. As much as your mother hates your dad, she should still be proud of you for your maturity and compassion in this matter.
Instead, she wants to punish children who have just lost their father, and she wants to punish you for not helping her to do so. That’s not okay. I hope you’re able to have a calm discussion with her about this, but it sounds like she’s not open to that.
YWNBTA
Yes.
NTA. I think you are a wonderful, kind and strong person to view and handle this the way you are.
You are more an adult, with adult empathy and logic than your mother. I am sorry to say but it seems like your mother has not grown or evolved since she had you at 15….wanting to flush his ashes SMH.
He may not have been good to her or you but as you stated he was finally able to get clean and take care of 3 of his children, yes sadly you and your mother missed out on who he eventually became, but why continue holding onto the negativity and allow yourself to drown in it? Negativity like that only hinders you in life and follows you around. It is apparent you are using the therapy you received to see all the sides of the situation (funeral for 1/2 siblings) and being a good human overall; I applaud you for that, it is huge and don’t allow anyone to diminish that and your continued growth in healing. My condolences to you and your family.
NTA, this is both impressive and insightful of you to be able to do this. Your also right, the funeral isn’t about you, or your mom, its for those children who just lost their father.
Absolutely not! NTA, OP. You’re a very kind person doing what’s best for siblings you don’t really know. Bless you for thinking of them. I’m sorry your mother still carries the bitterness with her. Hopefully as she grows older she’ll understand what a fine young man/woman she raised.
NTA.
Listen (well read) this funeral isn’t for you, your aunt, your mother NO ONE but those young children that just lost their father. This funeral is for THEM to grieve and heal from the loss. They deserve a chance to say goodbye, yea he was a shit father, he admitted it and in a way even admitted it to his kids he chose to stay for in the best way he could (and even better without giving them MORE trauma. he told them in the best way he could without spilling the harsh truth. )
So the funeral isn’t “honoring” his memory or him. Its giving those kids a chance to accept reality, to move on, and to heal. And one day they will find out the truth of just how bad he was, the truth never stays hidden even in death. BUT they will also have the memories THEY had of him and will be able to one day understand that their father wasn’t the best but he had at least found the strength to try to do better and try to make amends even if the efforts came a little late.
Your mother needs therapy, cause shes wanting to be an TA to some innocent bystanders in her efforts to keep a grudge and that’s not healthy. In this case, those kids come first. no one else. the Innocent bystanders come first.
And that is what you are doing. (Also if its not gonna hurt yall financially, do a small grave, it might help the kids having a place they can visit and “talk” to as they grow up. its something to this day I wish I had for my mother. And I was about 15 when I lost her. so its something that could help them in the long run. Also i do suggest grief counseling for EVERYONE involved, kids, you, grandmother, mother everyone. Because grief is a giant TA to everyone. and a sounding board (Therapist) can do wonders processing it)
Nta. May be the best story I read all year. You are trying hard to rise above, and so far, you are crushing it. Very mature decision full of compassion and empathy.
That’s so kind of you to do this for his three children who are now without a parent in spite of your past. It’s not every day that someone will put their own feelings aside like this for others, but it really shows a lot of character.
You are NTA. You aren’t responsible for your mother’s feelings toward your father, and she shouldn’t even be burdening you with them. I actually had to tell my own mother that I wasn’t her therapist, and constantly hearing about her guilt and shame over certain past experiences was really upsetting to me. Talking to me about these things wasn’t going to help her, so I encouraged her to find a mental health professional.
I think that may be that your mom needs some similar help for that anger and resentment. Not that she isn’t entitled to her feelings. They are valid and understandable. But none of it is your fault, and you are the child in this situation.
Best of luck with your future. I hope everyone in this situation is able to find peace.
Funerals are for the living. NTA. You are doing this for your siblings. If your mom can’t understand grieving, hurt children then she needs to reevaluate herself. Her feelings don’t take precedence over children who just lost not only their parent but also had their entire lives disrupted.
NTA. You’re a bigger and better per than both your biological parents. I hope you’ll be able to create healthy relationships with your siblings if you all are open to that. Seek out those who understand and support you. You’re a good person, and you deserve to be surrounded and lifted up by good people. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
NTA. I think your mom might benefit from some therapy. You sound as if you have come to terms with who your bio dad was then and who he was when he passed. Thank you for doing the right thing for his other kids.
NTA. ur mom’s hurt is valid, but this ain’t about him—it’s for those kids who did know him as a good dad. u ain’t honoring the past, ur giving them closure. let her be mad, this ain’t her call.
NTA, I’d organize the funeral and let others speak. You might attend or choose not to. I’d tell anyone who mentions the funeral “Funerals are for the living, so I helped my step siblings since for them, he tried to be a good father and they’re hurting. For me, it’s too late but it doesn’t mean I’d be cruel to kids and they have very few people in their corner.” You’re doing the right thing so people in town may realize from how the funeral was done that it was about the kids. I’d text your mom, “There’s a few things you should know. My father apologized a few years ago and offered to do what would help me. I didn’t want a relationship with him but I wanted pictures of my half siblings to be sure he had stopped using and was being decent to them. He seemed to manage so when he died, for their sake I organized the funeral as I’m the eldest and it was for my half siblings as no one else was helping them. It doesn’t mean our past with him is forgiven or forgotten, it’s about comforting kids. I hope you get the help you need instead of making me your enemy.” How your mom is dealing with this shows a lot of misplaced anger and a need for help from a therapist. Have no doubt you are in good shape and a tough beginning made you stronger and kinder than many who were more fortunate.
NTA. I’ve heard the saying, “Funerals aren’t for the dead, but for the living.” They help provide closure and a chance at goodbyes to those who knew the departed.
I know this isn’t easy. You are incredibly bright, empathetic, and kind doing this for his kids that he tried to get his shit together for.
Your mother is coming from a place of pain, which in of itself is valid, but she’s taking it out on the kids who didn’t know the pain he inflicted on her, or anyone else. If the kids weren’t in the picture, then maybe she could have had her way, but you see the bigger picture. Its not for you, or her, but for that 12 year old little girl and her siblings that are grieving the loss of their dad.
Don’t hesitate to reach out for help in processing all of this. You deserve it.
Not…. not even being close to an AH. Whatever trauma you have from your dad, you are rising above it all to do the right thing. Good for you.
Your mom is being a major, selfish AH. Shame on her.
People like you give me hope for our humanity.
I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for thinking about the younger children.
Good. For. You.
Your mother is participating in parental alienation. This is not good.
NTA.
You have a beautiful heart. Listen to it. Your mother is bitter and it’s best that you ignore her.
NTA.
You’re the adult in the room. You are trying to do the very best for your half siblings and those kids right now, are all that matter. Empathy and compassion every time.
NTA. You are a hugely better human being than either of your parents. I am glad, however, that your dad owned what he did. That says something. I am sorry for any loss you may feel. Stay strong and follow your own moral guide.
You are the best part of him. God bless you. May He bless your father’s soul for turning it around , and bless his children.