Me (35F) and my bf (35M) have been together for 12 years. Before you guys come for us, allow me to give you the full picture, we have only been seriously talking about marriage for the past 2 years.
Previously:
We started dating when we were young, both age wise and mentally. Not immature, just “we’ve only been in school” young in life, pre-frontal cortex hasn’t fully matured but we have careers thing. He and I both had a lot of work and life opportunities and growth potential, so it meant we would probably need to be long distance 2-4 times over the course of our relationship to take full advantage before we would be in realistic space to settle down. I wanted both of us to have freedom to live life.
He wanted to get married before we went long distance a second time, but I felt like he was mainly doing it because he was anxious about change. Not that he didn’t love me or want to be with me, but when you move to new cities with no community, your needs change based on what the city provides. Ex: some work places provide great friends vs some work places suck so you need social activities to make a community. I didn’t want to give up my opportunities just to be his life raft.
Currently:
We started talking about settling down 2 years ago. Marriage has always been a shared goal, but it wasn’t our current North Star. We were checking in on our relationship and going over goals. We realized we are in places with our careers where any opportunities would be a question of “how can I use the offer of this opportunity as leverage to improve my current work life” instead of “this would help put my ahead in my career.” I found a job in his city and we moved in together. I love my job but since it’s new, I have limited PTO compared to my previous jobs.
The issue:
We have different ideas of how I’d spend my PTO.
My bf hasn’t adjusted to my limited PTO because my previous jobs either came with more or I had more due to my growth with the company. This job has given me the least amount of PTO out of all my jobs with the potential to accrue more, but I figured since I didn’t need to dedicate a high % to visit him due to living together it was tolerable.
I went over the amount of time of PTO I was willing to dedicate to him (Ex: If I have 30 days of PTO, he gets 2 weeks and the other 16 days are for my plans) because I wanted to keep a percentage just for me to do whatever I wanted with it. When he would tell me what vacations he’s planned, I would tell him how many days I have left for him. I booked my social calendar for 2025, so my people know if they hadn’t set something up with me then they all have to wait until 2026.
We went on the “big vacation” (10 day Destination) he asked me to set aside time for and told me he was proposing on our next vacation. I said “there is no next vacation this year because this is the only time I’ve allotted for a “big vacation” with you.”
It’s a big deal to him because he wants to do a destination proposal and only has 3 days of PTO left in the allowance I gave him. I thought this “big vacation” was for the proposal. He said “if he had known I was being serious, we would have gone on a different vacation” and now he wants me to change my plans for the rest of the year so he can propose the way he wants to. I think he lost his opportunity to do that in 2025 so he’ll have to wait until 2026 if “doing it big” is his priority.
So WIBTA if I don’t change my plans to prioritize getting engaged this year?
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Backup of the post’s body: Me (35F) and my bf (35M) have been together for 12 years. Before you guys come for us, allow me to give you the full picture, we have only been seriously talking about marriage for the past 2 years.
Previously:
We started dating when we were young, both age wise and mentally. Not immature, just “we’ve only been in school” young in life, pre-frontal cortex hasn’t fully matured but we have careers thing. He and I both had a lot of work and life opportunities and growth potential, so it meant we would probably need to be long distance 2-4 times over the course of our relationship to take full advantage before we would be in realistic space to settle down. I wanted both of us to have freedom to live life.
He wanted to get married before we went long distance a second time, but I felt like he was mainly doing it because he was anxious about change. Not that he didn’t love me or want to be with me, but when you move to new cities with no community, your needs change based on what the city provides. Ex: some work places provide great friends vs some work places suck so you need social activities to make a community. I didn’t want to give up my opportunities just to be his life raft.
Currently:
We started talking about settling down 2 years ago. Marriage has always been a shared goal, but it wasn’t our current North Star. We were checking in on our relationship and going over goals. We realized we are in places with our careers where any opportunities would be a question of “how can I use the offer of this opportunity as leverage to improve my current work life” instead of “this would help put my ahead in my career.” I found a job in his city and we moved in together. I love my job but since it’s new, I have limited PTO compared to my previous jobs.
The issue:
We have different ideas of how I’d spend my PTO.
My bf hasn’t adjusted to my limited PTO because my previous jobs either came with more or I had more due to my growth with the company. This job has given me the least amount of PTO out of all my jobs with the potential to accrue more, but I figured since I didn’t need to dedicate a high % to visit him due to living together it was tolerable.
I went over the amount of time of PTO I was willing to dedicate to him (Ex: If I have 30 days of PTO, he gets 2 weeks and the other 16 days are for my plans) because I wanted to keep a percentage just for me to do whatever I wanted with it. When he would tell me what vacations he’s planned, I would tell him how many days I have left for him. I booked my social calendar for 2025, so my people know if they hadn’t set something up with me then they all have to wait until 2026.
We went on the “big vacation” (10 day Destination) he asked me to set aside time for and told me he was proposing on our next vacation. I said “there is no next vacation this year because this is the only time I’ve allotted for a “big vacation” with you.”
It’s a big deal to him because he wants to do a destination proposal and only has 3 days of PTO left in the allowance I gave him. I thought this “big vacation” was for the proposal. He said “if he had known I was being serious, we would have gone on a different vacation” and now he wants me to change my plans for the rest of the year so he can propose the way he wants to. I think he lost his opportunity to do that in 2025 so he’ll have to wait until 2026 if “doing it big” is his priority.
So WIBTA if I don’t change my plans to prioritize getting engaged this year?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
You are really serious about your allotment schedule lol.
Is this a relationship or a business partnership? Do you even like this guy?
To be frank, this whole relationship sounds way too transactional and exhausting. The guy you have been dating for 12 YEARS only “gets” 2 weeks of your PTO and he just fucks off the rest of the time?
I would be rethinking this relationship if my potential fiancé knew I was going to propose and said no to the trip because she wants to spend her week doing something with her friend instead.
Him: Hey babe, I want to propose to you this year on our vacation.
You: Hmm I can’t fit you in this year. How about next year?
Girl, he was wants to propose to you and get married to you. What are you doing?? Is your schedule THAT important to you? Is marriage even important at all?
Wow. Upon hearing there is not enough remaining time for me in this year’s budget, I do believe I would be reassessing my future at “You and Me” llc.
I don’t know what is more foreign to me: Planning a destination proposal (surprise, anyone?) to the notion that the relationship can only exist within this idealized plain of goals, planning, and appointments. If your fiance is equally transactional about love, then I guess this works, but it sounds rather cold to me all around. Part of getting married is that it’s a leap of faith, one that is difficult but necessary (the leap, not the getting married — that’s optional). Not all things can be planned, least of all love. So, I’d wager that maybe getting married isn’t what anyone here really wants.