I (17F) live with my parents (45F and 50M) and my little brother (12M). Chores have always been a big source of conflict in our house. My brother and I admittedly haven’t been the greatest at doing them at all or well. My dad also hates that I’ll pay my brother to take over my share of the chores at times, since I get extra time and he gets extra money (he’s too young to earn, and neither of us get paid chores or an allowance, which I agree with).
Today, my dad stuck a chore chart to the fridge. It lists which ones should be completed each day, by what time, and by whom. If we don’t complete them by the exact time listed, our internet privileges, ability to go out with friends, travel outside of school/work, eat food outside of the set meal times, and spend any money (cash or credit) will be cut off. His reasoning was that we’ve become too entitled and spoiled.
I don’t inherently hate the idea. Tbh, I’d prefer everything listed instead of navigating his temper and playing that guessing game all the time. But parts of it aren’t right to me.
The chart is mostly me. My brother’s tasks are things that don’t reoccur often, like changing sheets in the guest room before guests arrive or bringing in packages, while mine are things like dishes & trash, which are weekly or daily. I know my dad, and this is him punishing me. I’ve never been scared of him, no matter how loud or controlling he is, and this has always upset him. He’s trying to put me in my place with this chart and remind me of what he can do. It isn’t equal.
I understand going out/traveling as privileges that can be revoked—even internet access, to a point. But most of my money is mine. I’ve been working jobs since I was 12, and most of the $$ isn’t even in an account that my parents can legally control (I anticipated them trying to control my finances, so I protected ~75% of it). If it were allowance, I’d understand, but this is my money. Controlling it if I don’t do chores feels like a step too far.
The idea that I’m “entitled” or don’t do anything around the house is also just wrong because I always have. Since before my brother was born, my parents told me that I was supposed to help raise him as a “2nd mommy.” I was 4.5 when he was born and can’t remember a time I wasn’t taking care of him. Starting at age 9, I watched him alone for hours a day and took on nearly every role that comes with raising a kid except financially providing. There are chores I shirk on and i take responsibility for that, but if I truly did “nothing,” raising him wouldn’t have been such a huge part of my life.
Here’s where I may be the AH. I’ve made a 2nd chart, listing years 2017-2024 with avg. babysitter rates in CA/yr. If I gave it to them, I’d ask them to estimate how many hours per month I cared for him and how much I saved them. Not to collect—just to show how much I’ve contributed, and that if entitlement’s the issue, they’ve been pretty entitled to free childcare his whole life.
WIBTA if I gave them this chart?
Edit: To answer some questions that i see coming up a lot: My parents aren’t abusive (maybe emotionally but definitely not physically). They won’t kick me out or not pay for college. My mom is no help here unless my brother can get through to her, which he’s trying to.
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I (17F) live with my parents (45F and 50M) and my little brother (12M). Chores have always been a big source of conflict in our house. My brother and I admittedly haven’t been the greatest at doing them at all or well. My dad also hates that I’ll pay my brother to take over my share of the chores at times, since I get extra time and he gets extra money (he’s too young to earn, and neither of us get paid chores or an allowance, which I agree with).
Today, my dad stuck a chore chart to the fridge. It lists which ones should be completed each day, by what time, and by whom. If we don’t complete them by the exact time listed, our internet privileges, ability to go out with friends, travel outside of school/work, eat food outside of the set meal times, and spend any money (cash or credit) will be cut off. His reasoning was that we’ve become too entitled and spoiled.
I don’t inherently hate the idea. Tbh, I’d prefer everything listed instead of navigating his temper and playing that guessing game all the time. But parts of it aren’t right to me.
The chart is mostly me. My brother’s tasks are things that don’t reoccur often, like changing sheets in the guest room before guests arrive or bringing in packages, while mine are things like dishes & trash, which are weekly or daily. I know my dad, and this is him punishing me. I’ve never been scared of him, no matter how loud or controlling he is, and this has always upset him. He’s trying to put me in my place with this chart and remind me of what he can do. It isn’t equal.
I understand going out/traveling as privileges that can be revoked—even internet access, to a point. But most of my money is mine. I’ve been working jobs since I was 12, and most of the $$ isn’t even in an account that my parents can legally control (I anticipated them trying to control my finances, so I protected ~75% of it). If it were allowance, I’d understand, but this is my money. Controlling it if I don’t do chores feels like a step too far.
The idea that I’m “entitled” or don’t do anything around the house is also just wrong because I always have. Since before my brother was born, my parents told me that I was supposed to help raise him as a “2nd mommy.” I was 4.5 when he was born and can’t remember a time I wasn’t taking care of him. Starting at age 9, I watched him alone for hours a day and took on nearly every role that comes with raising a kid except financially providing. There are chores I shirk on and i take responsibility for that, but if I truly did “nothing,” raising him wouldn’t have been such a huge part of my life.
Here’s where I may be the AH. I’ve made a 2nd chart, listing years 2017-2024 with avg. babysitter rates in CA/yr. If I gave it to them, I’d ask them to estimate how many hours per month I cared for him and how much I saved them. Not to collect—just to show how much I’ve contributed, and that if entitlement’s the issue, they’ve been pretty entitled to free childcare his whole life.
WIBTA if I gave them this chart?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. The action I’m considering taking that should be judged is giving my parents a chart to calculate how much they owe me for 6 years of free childcare.
2. I think I might be the asshole because it’s possible that my parents are in the right here and I don’t see it. Also, it might be going too far to retaliate this way.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YWNBTA, but I do not think it would be wise. You need to think about the result you want, your father has already shown he is happy to treat you unfairly, so confronting him with proof doesn’t seem likely to make him want to modify his behaviour. You’ve said he has a bad temper, I’m concerned this may only bring on further punishment for you.
YWNBTA, but I suspect doing that will go over like a turd in a punchbowl. The way you’ve described your Dad makes me think you’d just be poking the bear. Is your Mom around to weigh in on the fairness of the assigned chores?
NTA at all! I agree you need them to be shown how much you do not take them for granted. You’d probably benefit more from some family counselling than proving your point through money, it’s likely that your parents won’t respond well to a financially-based argument given their actions. You have a legitimate argument for child parentification though. without a mediator, it’s difficult to explain this to parents.
NTA but I would be super careful if he’s already angry and prone to outbursts because he might hurt you in some way. About the money part, if they ever steal your cards that’s just theft and if they use it without your permission it’s fraud. So he can attempt to take it all he wants but the law won’t agree with him stealing and he seems like the type of coward to have more bark then bite. Instead I’d make a family chore chart so everything is equal and if they have a problem and they want you to do most of the work while still in high-school then they should be paying you. Also I’d look into emancipation for yourself if you truly don’t want to stay here long then you want to.
You start doing that and your parents start calculating how much it costs to raise you. You’re gonna lose by about $100k. Just quit rebelling and do your chores lol
ywNbta
BUT… it’s not a good idea.
Ask yourself, what exactly you think this act will accomplish. Will it make your life better in anyway?
(Hint: pissing him off, which this will, can only make things worse.)
Instead, focus on what your strategy it to get out of the house and independent of him.
NTA but I agree it’s probably not a good idea. I like it though
YWNBTA. Your parents have taken advantage of you, your father is now showing favoritism towards your brother by demanding so little of him compared to you. And trying to inappropriately control and penalize you. You would totally be within your rights to challenge the whole thing.
But it might be smarter to keep your head down and be looking for another place to live. Where you will be valued/respected, or at least, left alone.
NTA. but it might do more harm than good. Your 17. You have a year left of school? Look at getting out. If you can drain the accounts they have access to and put your money somewhere safe or with someone you trust. Open a bank account without them the day you turn 18.
Just keep your head down and saving that money. As soon as you turn 18, move out.
NTA
My Daughter gave me this chart (more than once). The intended goal was to get more money. I heard her. It never had the desired effect, more money, but it did (always) start a conversation. When you present it, remember to be sure it’s a time when nothing else is going to happen. No interruptions. Be sure to ask that you be heard out AND promise to hear out your dad. Also suggest (before starting) that there be breaks (just like a bout in the ring: take breaks before throwing the next punches). If you can clear the air on all of this, even without a resolution, it may be helpful to your situation.
Or it could all blow up in your face.
For clarity: My world … children do chores. Older kids look after younger kids. You eat what parents put on table. Kids have very few rules (bedtime? screw that. Keep your grades up, do your chores, enjoy childhood). Wife’s world: Children get paid for chores (or don’t do them). Children get paid to watch younger siblings. Bedtime is solid and immutable. Grades are … whatever they are. LOL. We compromised. It worked. But …
Your parents don’t owe you money unless you, too, owe them money.
It cost about $250k to bring a child to adulthood last time I checked. Probably closer to $500k by now. Light that fuse at your own peril.
Ywbta. Ur a kid, welcome to life.
I’d have to agree, ur brother is old enough to do more weekly/daily task like cleaning and taking out the trash.
While I understand your thought process, it would be unwise. You are 17. You have, at most, a year before you reach 18. If you had thoughts of going to college or any type of continuing education with parental assistance, that may go away. Even if that assistance is only completing FAFSA information or living at home during break. Worst case, they can show you the door on your 18th birthday. Your best bet is to suck it up. It’s not too long a time before you move on to a new and more independent way of life.
YWBTA. If you give them a chart that characterizes household contributions as transactional, I hope you’re ready to be invoiced for 17 years of room, board, medical care, and education.
Nta, but I agree with the others here, it wouldn’t be a good idea. Your best bet is saving up as much as you can and then getting out when you are 18. That will be a real wake-up call for them when you are suddenly gone, and they have to do their own shit for once.
According to your description of your dad, he seems to be that kind of person who will be really pissed off when he can’t control you anymore. That will be your metaphorical middle finger to him.
But, and I can’t stress that enough, if he is a physically violent person, be careful and involve a school counselor or someone who is a mandatory reporter.
when is the 18th birthday? start planning to leave.
Don’t give the chart till you are out of the house and your finances protected
Do you have family near? File for emancipation and go.
You’re almost of age. You dad is being a dick. NTA
NTA you gave as good as you got
Just shut up and do your chores. Life is full of doing things you don’t want to.
NTA. I’d actually laugh if my child did that. Then I’d flip the chart over and write out living expenses like the house, food, electricity, internet, school, clothes, transportation, entertainment, medical, dental, eye, and miscellaneous.
I think you should talk to your parents about the chores. I was washing dishes and cooking at five. I could sweep, mop, rake leaves, and cut the backyard.
I would ask to divvy the chores up evenly. You each should get 5 – 10 chores. However many he has listed. I had my son cleaning the bathroom around 10 or so. He sucked at first, but it eventually clicked that if he puts in effort the first time, then he wouldn’t have to keep redoing it.
Just have a conversation with them.
Being this bratty at 17 is just going to lead to them kicking you out at 18. Idk how you got another adult to open a bank account for you. And obviously it makes more sense for the 17 year old to have more responsibilities than the 12 year old. I think everybody remembers when they thought they knew everything at 17.
I agree NTA, but also that you are probably going to start a fight.
I would ask if you can have a meeting to talk about things. Mention privileges taken away that you pay for, the amount of time you help with your brother. Not because you are complaining, rather you were thinking about it and it was more than you even thought it was. Do not mention the amount of money you have, how you earn it, etc unless you are directly asked. Amounts? Lie. I’m serious. Don’t make threats. Just questions such as “ little bro changes sheets but I do dishes? I want to help but I feel as if the load isn’t fair. This isn’t good for anyone. We can all agree that all of these things are life long skills and while they seem to be obvious, there is a learning curve. I want lil bro to be as successful as possible in his life. I also feel this may be a missed opportunity to help with that”
My ex’s mom did everything for him. He occasional took out the trash. I’m talking laundry was folded and put away. If he wasn’t there at dinner he had a plate saved. She made his damn bed every day!! It was really hard when we first moved out because he had to be taught everything. He also got frustrated, had tantrums, and had to start over all. the. time.
What does your mom say?
OP, can you give more details what chores do you have vs your brother? Do your parents do any house chores, who does the cooking and cleaning? Vacuuming and laundry? If your chores only emptying dishwasher and taking out trash daily, I think that’s pretty fair chores for 17 yo. Your brother is only 12 and it’s understandable that he does less. When you were 12, did you have all of those chores as well, or it’s the same chores as your brother right now?
Sometimes I think assigning girls more domestic work is a cultural difference that may be perceived as unfair by current standards.
That being said, you are seeking a short-term solution (Feeling good about yourself? Trying to make him feel badly about himself? Trying to collect money that you know isn’t coming?) to a long-term problem.
It is likely that you should be more focused on a long-term solution as to what you are going to do after high school. Do you plan to enlist in the military in which case you can vacate your parent’s premises and hopefully never return as a dependent? Are you going to go to a local college or an out-of-state university? If you are going to pursue a college education you will need your parent’s income information to complete (if in the USA) the FAFSA application.
Think more long-term, then plan and act accordingly.
NTA for making that chart, but just know that it won’t do a lick of good. As a therapist, just on what you have shared here, you have been significantly emotionally abused. Your needs don’t seem to matter in the least to your parents. Children should not have to take on the adult responsibilities of caring for a small child. 9 years old was far too young to be given that responsibility. Your father seems extremely rigid and controlling, which is another form of abuse. I’m sorry you got stuck with these parents. I hope you can get out of this house as soon as possible. Life shouldn’t be lived like this.
Ok you and brother should want to be the types of people who don’t need to be asked. Aspire to that instead of whining here. If you just do things that need to be done well without being asked it will serve you well in life. I just left a lazy entitled guy. It’s not cool. Not your parents don’t owe you anything for doing housework. You shoood be happy to do it
Sounds like Dad is a narcissist and a sexist. I’m sorry you’re dealing with him and his punitive actions.
YNTA —But— Do NOT show him the chart. Keep adding on to it, for your own satisfaction & for possible proof if you need it for filing for emancipation through the courts (& hide it where parents won’t access it).
Another big milestone ahead of you—What are your plans after high school?
If you’re in the US, are you planning on attending a 4-year college?
If so, will your parents even LET you go to college?
My parents refused to fill out the FADSA when I was a high school senior—I was an honors student. My Dad wanted me to get married instead of going to college! Jerk.
So, I didn’t get to go away to a 4-year college (took 5 years for 4 year degree, as they finally agreed to fill in the FAFSA when I was 20 & it was hellish living at home until then—I had a health condition where I needed surgery at 20 so I had to stay at home & try and survive).
Even if you live on your own at 18 and file your own taxes, the FAFSA board for student scholarships and loans—they don’t care.
To be your own household, you’d need to be one of these: 24+, married, active military, veteran, emancipated, etc (there are other categories—see google).
There’s also a few schools that will take proof of estranged parents into account, with documentation (check your schools online).
Sorry to be so dramatic.
You sound like a person who works very hard to get what they want.
I hope every door is open for you as you finish high school, no matter where you want to go!
YTA. You can move out soon if you don’t like it.
As an aside, it is refreshing to see 17-year old write like they actually tried.
YWNBTA but it won’t work. It’s not an a-hole idea, just a bad one. Your dad is already controlling and angry, and you’ve already been parentified. Attempting to convince him that he owes you money isn’t going to suddenly make him see sense and understand your perspective.
If he “takes away” your ability to go out, what happens if you just… do? How is he going to keep you from eating food? If you have control over your money that you’ve earned from working, how is he going to stop you from spending your own money?
The more rational course of action would just be to disregard any “consequence” he tries to impose on you for not doing the extra chores.
This is the time to lock down everything that is yours. Make sure you have access to your legal documents and, as soon as possible, remove any access they have to your finances and financial information.