Hello all, so here’s the situation I’m in. I’ve (24m) been helping my sister (28f) with rent for about 9 months now. She’s a single mom with 2 kids, and at the time I started helping I had the spare income to help, so I began paying half her rent and utilities once her roommate moved out. My half comes out to between $1400-$1600 per month, and at my current job I make $2100-$2200 per month. Obviously this only leaves me with ~$600 or so for my own expenses. I work in a national park, across the country from her.
Due to this however, I’ve been having to rely on my credit card for my expenses. During this time, I’ve spent a total of $5500 on my credit card, which is now maxed out for months and my credit has dropped by over 100 points. Grocery costs out here are about double what they are outside the park, and the nearest regular grocery store is 60 miles away. At this point it’s become a bit unsustainable, but I really don’t want to leave her high and dry because she’s the only family I really have, our parents aren’t really in the picture much. She can barely afford her half most months. I was thinking maybe of just offering $750 per month, but I’m not sure. I also have severe social anxiety which makes this whole situation more difficult. I should also note that this month brings the money I’ve sent to over $20,000 counting help with groceries, car payments etc.
Do I need to put my foot down on this?
TL;DR: Helping sister with rent is putting a heavy strain on my income.
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Hello all, so here’s the situation I’m in. I’ve (24m) been helping my sister (28f) with rent for about 9 months now. She’s a single mom with 2 kids, and at the time I started helping I had the spare income to help, so I began paying half her rent and utilities once her roommate moved out. My half comes out to between $1400-$1600 per month, and at my current job I make $2100-$2200 per month. Obviously this only leaves me with ~$600 or so for my own expenses. I work in a national park, across the country from her.
Due to this however, I’ve been having to rely on my credit card for my expenses. During this time, I’ve spent a total of $5500 on my credit card, which is now maxed out for months and my credit has dropped by over 100 points. Grocery costs out here are about double what they are outside the park, and the nearest regular grocery store is 60 miles away. At this point it’s become a bit unsustainable, but I really don’t want to leave her high and dry because she’s the only family I really have, our parents aren’t really in the picture much. She can barely afford her half most months. I was thinking maybe of just offering $750 per month, but I’m not sure. I also have severe social anxiety which makes this whole situation more difficult.
Do I need to put my foot down on this?
TL;DR: Helping sister with rent is putting a heavy strain on my income.
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> My post is asking if I would be the asshole for no longer helping my sister with rent. Primarily due to the idea that I would be abandoning my sister if I stopped helping, despite the strain it puts on me financially.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, you cannot afford to help your sister at all. Stop.
Your sister needs a roommate, and you need to take care of yourself. This is not your responsibility
NTA. You do have to take care of yourself. Work a plan out with your sister so you can contribute less over time. It’s tough and you’re very good for helping her but you deserve a good life too.
NTA – you’re lighting yourself on fire to keep her warm. You have a life that needs living on your own terms. It sucks because she’s family but what you are doing is enabling her to not go out and do what she needs to do to be a responsible adult. You are doing more harm than good. You need to stop for your own sake.
Never light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. NTA, and tell her immediately this is the last month you are able to help her. You are ruining your own financial life.
NTA. 9 months is long enough for her to find another room mate or a cheaper place or take the kid’s dad to court for child support. You have done enough.
Tell her you’re out of money. You’ve been living on your credit card and now it’s maxed out, so you just don’t have money for her anymore. If you want to still be extra nice, tell her you can give her three months of $750, and then you have to stop giving her anything.
Then put everything you can towards that $5500, because that debt will drown you if you can’t get rid of it fast. $750/mo towards the debt, at least, and you can clear it in a year.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
or
Put on your own oxygen mask first.
You can’t help someone else if you are drowning.
NTA. You cannot afford this and it is unsustainable, there really should have been a discussion of this ahead of time.
NTA. You cannot afford it and are putting yourself at risk. I know that it’s family, but they should never want you to put yourself and your future in danger (financially). If your sister cannot understand or wants to cut you off, she never saw you as a sister and sees you as a bank. Some people, including family, will continue to use you and drain you until you put your foot down. And they can either respect that or not, but you need to do what’s best for your future.
Why hasn’t she advertised for a new room mate in 9 months?
NTA but you’ve made very poor decisions. Helping someone should never cause you harm, and that’s just what’s happened. With interest, it will likely take you years to payoff the debt you’ve incurred in just a matter of months.
Explain in detail to your sister that helping her has meant that you simply haven’t had enough money to pay your own bills. Show her an itemized list of the $20k and use an online debt calculator to show her how long it will take you to payoff the credit card.
She needs to find another solution that doesn’t involve you giving her money, because you need every penny you can budget towards paying off the debt you’ve accumulated to help her.
NTA, but OP, I gotta ask how and why did you get yourself into this situation? I could see your sister saying that her roommate moved out unexpectedly and asked for a little help a month or two but to expect that you would keep paying rent and utilities for a place you don’t even live in? What has your conversation with her been like? Did you put an expiration date on your assistance? Was there an agreement to repay the money?
Again, only family member or not, you’ve got to eat and pay bills and live, too. Your sister has got to figure her life out. And I really hope that you know for sure that she really would have been struggling and that your sister hasn’t been lying to you and using your money for fun money this whole time. (Come to think of it, if you guys live in the US, your sister likely qualifies for housing payments assistance, daycare assistance, food stamps, health insurance for the kids, and possible help with utilities plus anything she can get for child support!!!)
You need to stop yesterday. You need to text her if you don’t think you’ll have the wherewithal to hold up against a tirade or hysterics. Simply write, “Sis, I’ve helped financially all that I can and I’m now struggling myself. As much as I love you and the kids, I don’t have anything left to give towards your bills. I hope that you’ve been able to shore up your resources over the past nine months, but I’m tapped out and don’t have anything left.”
NTA. Omg, why is she living in such an expensive place?? When is her lease up? You can’t afford to help her! Stop sending her money and focus on tackling your debt.
$1600 for half?? Where does she live?? And why hasn’t she found another roommate?
Why are on earth are you paying more than you can afford? She needs a long term solution. If you carry on then you will just get yourself in financial trouble
I know this is a stupid question, but where’s the father of these 2 children who should be paying child support? A 24 yo shouldn’t be supporting a 28 yo with children. NTA. STOP PAYING!
Why hasn’t she found a new roommate or downsized into an apartment she can afford on her own?
Tell her you’re very much in debt and you can’t afford to send her any money.
Don’t put yourself on fire to keep another warm. She needs to figure her situation out, even if that means tough decisions on her part. Decisions that don’t involve mooching off you and making you broke.
You can’t keep doing this. Sister or not-you went into credit card debt to help her-that’s insane. Stop immediately. I hate to say this but she had to figure life out by herself-it’s really that simple. Do you even know for sure the money you send to her is really going for rent? Why doesn’t she find a cheaper place to live. She has kids she may be able to get help from the state.
NTA. Stop paying anything for your sister. Her financial situation is not your responsibility. There is no way you should have been getting yourself into debt to support her. Your sister is responsible for her bills. Also send her a bill for all the money you have paid her. You need it more than she does especially since you have maxed out your credit.
NTA. Your sister needs to claim child support from the children’s father and his side of the family. She cannot to afford to live where she is so she needs to figure out how to live within her means. Her choices are not your responsibility. I understand that you want to help, but you can also help by emotionally supporting her, and taking the kids for a weekend break or whatever. You need to start living your own life. If you burn out and lose your job then you will be equally unable to help her.
By all means help out with spare cash, but ‘spare’ is after you pay your own bills, pay off your debt (acquired through her) and have a little aside as a savings buffer. That $20k could have gone a long way to helping you. You have more than helped her – you cannot do everything.
You’re setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Just STOP! She’s had enough time to figure something out. Tell her it stops now and you are in debt now trying to help her out. She should be grateful for what you’ve done.
If she can’t get her shiz together after 9 months she’s gonna have to be thrown into the deep end to figure things out on her own, at this point you’re being taken advantage of 🤨
NTA.
Advice: Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
What has she done to get a roommate? If she can’t find a roommate, she needs to downsize.
I mean her brother paying half her rent is not a plan or a long-term answer, she should be getting this figured out yesterday. I’m concerned that you’re enabling her and she’s taking taking advantage.
NTA
ESH – why is she taking so long to find another roommate? stop subsidizing your sisters chosen lifestyle and focus on yourself, you are literally drowning yourself to save her.
I am a “rescuer”. It sounds like you are too. It took me many years to understand that most people don’t give more than they can afford (money, emotional support, time,etc), so it might never cross someone’s mind that you are over giving. In otherwords, it may never occur to your sister that you are going into CC debt to support her, because she would never consider doing that.
Talk to your sister. Let her know how much CC debt you have accrued by supporting her. Let her know you can help, but you can’t keep racking up debt so she doesn’t. If she is a good sister, she will be horrified by what you have done and help you figure out if/how much you can actually afford to give her.
NTA you need to tell her you ran out of money a while ago and have been getting in to debt to pay it and there’s nothing left now
NTA but Y T A to yourself, going into credit card debt for someone else. You are digging yourself a hole that will be very difficult to get out of. You are giving her like 70% of your income! You need to tell her asap that you are going into massive debt trying to help her, and can’t anymore.
She needs to get a new roommate, and if that can’t happen, she needs to look for a cheaper place, some kind of housing assistance, or get an additional job. If she’s not getting child support, she needs to pursue that.
It’s one thing to help out a little, but giving her the majority of your income, and putting yourself into debt, is just foolish.
No No No No NO! You do not have the money to lend to anyone if it means you have to use credit cards to pay for your own bills.
She needs to figure things out on her own. This is on her. She can get help from the state, charities, social services. This has got to stop.
YWNBTA
Stop spending money you don’t have OP or you will end up in a pickle with no one to help you out. Also, be prepared for her to flip shit because most people do when they’re cut off. She needs to live within her own means, not put you in debt to keep up with the Jones.
Idiot
NTA, you’re an amazing brother. Your sis is taking advantage of your kindness, maybe not intentionally, either way she doing it and you should address it. I’m sure she will be grateful for the support that you had given and whatever support that you’re willing to still help her with.
You can’t afford to help her if you are going into debt. She needs to either get new roommate, move or start making more money.
In all kindness, you should’ve never been sending her money. It sounds like you make just enough for yourself, and aren’t in a spot to carry her too.
You need to stop paying her half, and focus on fixing your finances. It will be a hard conversation, but I hope it goes ok.
NTA
What the devil?! NTA!!
Let me tell you as someone who has been down this road with a sibling you have to stop now. For everyone’s sake. Because you now have to dig yourself out of a hole too and you won’t be able to help her if you can’t help yourself!
Tell her you are now in a jam and have maxed out your credit cards so you can’t help anymore. Repeat that you don’t have any funds to assist. Because you don’t! You need to get your own financial situation back on track! Especially if you have a federal job and live in a country where those jobs may be cut.
If she has been researching a more affordable living situation while you’ve been helping, or if that was ostensibly the plan, ask her where she’s at with that to at least remind her that’s what she needs to be doing. If she hasn’t, feel free to continue your help by doing internet research on different housing/employment options she may not have applied for yet.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm – NTA
What in the hell did I just read. You’re NTA for stopping paying your sister, just …because. You ARE an asshole for enabling her and causing her to think you’re going to bail her out of her unfortunate situation…..forever. You could have given her a LIMITED amount of financial help in order for her to find a new roommate, find another place to live that she could afford, or find a better job, a side hustle…anything that could have her life herself out of this financial jam. Instead you are gifting her more than 75% of your net income, and putting yourself into financial debt, as well as tanking your own credit score? Helping someone else at this level of your own expense, isn’t actually helpful. So, now what? You’re both broke is what. Have the hard conversation Op.
Stop sending her money and send her cheaper apartments. If her roommate moved out she should’ve found another one or moved out as well.
Your sister might be eligible government assistance if she isn’t getting it already. I think what you have offered sonfar has been more than generous, but you do need to talk with her and explain that you can no longer offer this help, and that you need tonpay down the debt you accrued so you can help her. If she’s a reasonable person, she’ll understand.
Wtf. Stop, you are utterly destroying your future
Definitely NTA. As hard as it will be for both of you, you need to put your foot down. If you are going into debt helping your sister out, you aren’t doing either one of you any favors. You are going to have to have a candid conversation with your sister and tell her that you have continued to help her out, despite what it is doing to you financially. If she is a loving and understanding sister, she would feel guilty not having known the position you are in.
If you do decide to help her out with the $750/mo, I would send the money directly to the landlord. While we would all like to trust our siblings, it sounds like she may be living beyond her means because you have been helping out paying over half of her monthly expense. Or go through her expenses with her and figure out some saving measures.
Good luck. The problems with giving money to family. I hope your relationship stays strong during this difficult conversation.
NTA You have put yourself in serious debt by helping your sister way above your means. I understand you want to help, but you need to cut this off completely and focus on paying off all of the debt you have accumulated because of her. You’re in no position to be paying her expenses like this.
NTA.
Read this:
Never set yourself on fire to keep others warm .
Read it again.
And again. And again.
What if you get injured? What if you literally cannot work because of an injury? What if you got in an accident and had hospital bills? What if your car got damaged and you had to pay for fixing it?
Just like they warn in the airplane, ”In case of sudden loss of air pressure, put on your own oxygen mask before helping somebody else.”
Who’s going to help you if you get into a mess as stated above?
What if your job suddenly didn’t exist anymore because the company went belly up?
Who is going to help you?
Do you have any kind of an emergency fund at all, or are you just putting every single thing on credit cards?
What are you going to do when the bills for the credit card comes due? Will you be able to pay the bills in full? Or will you have to make payments on the bills, and then also pay interest?
While helping your sister seems like a good thing to do, you have to be sure not to set yourself on fire in order to keep other people warm.
You probably don’t want to hear this, and neither will your sister, but your sister needs to look for a jless expensive place to live. If she can’t afford to live there, then she cannot afford to live there. It is not your job to subsidize her housing.
1600 is half her rent?? She can move to a cheaper place & pay all of it herself
This isn’t about putting any feet down, this is about both you accepting the reality that she can’t afford this apartment and you can’t afford to sustain either of you being in denial about that. Her current living situation is simply not sustainable and MUST change.
If you are willing to offer her any more money, it should go towards the costs of setting her up in different apartment she CAN afford. Are affordable apartments hard to find? You betcha. Which is why it’s so important for you guys to accept the financial reality of the situation ASAP so you can get started looking.
Bluntly, you are very dumb to be paying another person’s expenses if you have to use credit on your own.
Put your foot down. You can still help. She can find a cheaper place to live. She could also get a roommate if she has space. Or you tell her you can only contribute a portion and she needs to figure out how to fill that gap, even if it means she asked for child support from the kids father. Alternatively, she works an extra job.
NTA. You can’t do it anymore.
You cannot set yourself on fire to keep your sister warm
You literally cannot afford to assist her. Once you had to begin using your credit cards to make it you were done. You need to stop.
I would break it to her gently.” Sis, you know I love you and would help if I could but I can’t afford to send you money anymore. I am in debt form helping you. I can send you x amount this month and then that’s it. You need to find another roommate as soon as you can. ” Would it be possible for you two to live together so you can split expenses? Finding a roommate to live with kids must be challenging. Maybe she can move to you and you guys can share costs and help each other out in that way.
Both of you being in debt would do neither good and being across the country you don’t know what she’s really spending the money on. Do both of you a favor and take care of yourself until she doesn’t need it or you can help again
Does your sister get child support? Is she on WIC? I don’t know how old the kids are, but can she work more hours? Are any of the kids old enough to work and contribute? Can she downsize her housing? Can she get another roommate?
What is she doing to improve her situation?
What are you doing to improve your situation? How are you supporting yourself come winter when national park visits decrease?
YTA to yourself. You were never in a position to give her money. $600 left over total for you a month for your own expenses is ridiculous.
If you want to help and stop enabling her. . . Tell her you can send $$ for groceries and that’s it moving forward. Jesus
NTA. You’re not able to cover your own needs without resorting to using a credit card. She needs to find a new place to live or bring in a roommate.
She needs to find a roommate and should be getting child support, it’s nice to help but now you are broke and in debt so how is this really helping?
NTA
You tell her “I love you but I cannot afford to pay part of your rent, I have my own bills to pay. I hope you can find a roommate.”
You cannot afford to give her any more money.
Pay down your credit card(s) and stop financing your own life to help her. She is going to figure it out.
NTA. Supporting your sister and her kids isn’t your responsibility and never has been
NTA if she hasn’t prepared in 9’months to let you go she was just using you anyway. I would have never put me in that predicament you need to always put self first sis
NTA. By not being honest with sis and letting her know you can’t afford it, you are leaving YOURSELF high & dry. Sis needs to move or get another roommate. Tell her your support ends immediately as you are thousands in debt solely because you help her.
You just can’t afford this help. Your sister has to change her life to a life she can afford. You can’t overcome this. You are wonderful for trying but how the heck are you going to pay off this debt?
NTAH. Why hasn’t she gotten another roommate? It’s pretty convenient that you’re paying half her bills and she doesn’t have to put up with anyone. 9 months is at least 6 months too long.
Definitely NTA. You have helped her as much as you can including putting a huge stain on your own finances.
You can’t help her if you are broke. Help with what you can. She needs to figure something out. Move to your location or something. It is not sustainable. NTA
NTA, not by a long shot! You’ve been an angel to her, I hope she appreciates you. You need to sit down with her and discuss her finances and yours. Explain your financial situation to her: summarize how much money you’ve given her, how much in debt you are and you’re maxed out. Tell her she has to find a cheaper apartment, and see if she qualifies for government help. Ultimately there has to be a game plan for her to be independent.
tough but you really need to put your foot down. its not like you dont need to take care of your own expenses. where is the father of the kids? does she work? feels like shes taking advantage of your generosity
She must move immediately
Your sister did this to herself. Are both kids at least with the same man? She needs to go for child support and get a job.
I saw a perfect response to something like this earlier “don’t burn yourself alive to keep someone else warm”
NTA, you can’t afford to keep you and her afloat. She needs to figure out somewhere cheaper to live or find another roommate or pick herself up by the bootstraps and find more work. If the father of her kids is anywhere alive she needs to start collecting money from him as well.
Help her with groceries or some of her utilities if you need to help ease that transition, but she needs to figure something out
NTA. Where is the kids’ father? He needs to be helping your sister through child support.
NTA. You will be the asshole if you don’t put your foot down. You’re almost the asshole NOW for doing this to yourself. It’s very kind of you to look after the people you love, but don’t kill yoursef or destroy your life doing it.
Ywnbta!
She should have gotten a new roommate 8 months ago. Obviously she isnt trying because she does have too.
Id give her the $750 for 3 months, telling her when it will end. I bet sis is more resourceful than you think when push comes to shove!
You’ve already given her $20k and you’re $5.5k in debt because of it, that’s enough. I know she’s doing it hard but she has to step up and help herself. You need to tell her how much you’ve spent on her and what the consequences are for you and then cut her off. She’s had 9 months to get a replacement lodger and instead she’s taken advantage of your kindness.
As the adage goes, ‘no good deed goes unpunished’ but you must stop disadvantaging yourself as if you lose your job tomorrow you are in serious trouble.
I wish you the very best in the future, you are a kind person.
Don’t starve yourself as you could lose your job. Seriously.
NTA. You can’t afford to support her. Full stop.
You have to redirect all the money you were giving her to paying off your credit cards and then you need to start saving for yourself. She has had 9 months to figure out a new roommate or a cheaper living situation. 9 months to find a way to not bleed her brother dry. You are beyond tapped out.
You can’t afford it. Be honest with her about that and tell her it’s done.
9 months is plenty of time for her to have figured it out. Where is the dad in all of this, not paying child support? If my sister I would tell her I will send you $400 a month to make sure the kids have food but I can no longer afford any more than that
NTA. You should tell her you can’t afford to keep giving her money. She’s had 9 months to find another roommate. She needs to make adjustments and not rely on you.
NTA. Helping out once is kindness. Helping multiple times and going into debt for it is self harm.
It’s past time you have a serious conversation with her.
NTA. She’s taking advantage of you.
You are setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm
Nta
It’s been 9 months. She needs to get baby daddy on child support.
All you are doing is enabling her behavior.
Yta to yourself. Its one thing to help but you are putting yourself in debt for her.
YTA to yourself for doing this bullshit. Cut her off and quit being a doormat.
We have a saying: Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You never have “extra” income. Every penny you earn has a purpose in your life. If you choose to share your hard earned income, then it is not because it is “extra.” That money could be going somewhere else such as saving for a vacation, upgrading your own living conditions or just saving for a rainy day.
Do not let anyone guilt trip you into funding your older sister’s lifestyle. She made all of the adult choices that landed her where she is at. It is not your job to bear the consequences of her decisions. That’s what you are doing, assuming the consequences of her decisions to the tune of over 20 thousand dollars. Think on that. 20 thousand dollars. What could you have done with that money to benefit your life.
That’s not selfish. That’s being an adult and using what you earn to benefit yourself. If you want to share with sis, sit down, go through a budget and decide how much you want to contribute. She doesn’t get to make demands on your money.
NTA
NEVER set yourself on fire to keep others warm!!!
Your sister will not be there to help you when you are crippled with debt (technically you already are)
Where is the dad of her kids? What is she actively doing to help herself out (is she doing two jobs or taking on extra shifts), has she applied for as much funding/help as much as she can? Is she going to food bank to save money? Or consider moving to somewhere cheaper?
NTA. You need to stop covering her expenses, Full stop.
Her existence nd that of her children aren’t your responsibility. If you don’t stop it’ll only get worse. You serve yourself, not your sister.
This is the dumbest post ive read today. So OP is destroying his credit and accumulating debt to pay most of his salary towards his sisters bills and therefore cannot meet his own monthly payments? Mad, i hope the 20k spent on sister keeps him warm at night and his belly full