My partner (30) and I (29) are getting married in September of this year. We are paying for the wedding ourselves and strongly prefer to extend as few obligation invites as possible.
Our general criteria for inviting unmarried partners was that they needed to be in a serious relationship (together at least 1 year, living together, and/or engaged). We felt this was pretty fair – when we were newly dating, we didn’t expect invites to each other’s friends’ or family’s weddings.
My cousin (28) has a new partner (27) and by the time of our wedding, they will only have been together around 6 months. However, their relationship has progressed quickly: they are living together in my cousin’s parents’ home.
It is clear in our RSVP that my cousin’s family is invited but not the new partner. My uncle (my cousin’s dad) asked me if they could increase their party size by 1 person and I politely, but firmly declined. Despite this answer, my brother has recently found out that my cousin plans to bring their new partner to our wedding regardless, hoping someone will no-show last minute so they can slip their partner in.
WIBTA if we hold firm and still did not allow my cousin’s partner to join the celebration? I have the support of my partner and immediate family, but I am torn because 1) I would lose the cost of the seat regardless, 2) I have nothing against the partner (although that’s mostly because I don’t know them. They haven’t even been introduced to us), 3) including them would create the least friction on our wedding day and beyond, 4) if enough people RSVP no, the partner was originally on the extended guest list, and 5) it feels a little mean/petty/ungenerous.
The issue is that I am upset and offended by my cousin’s disrespect for our wishes and the shady plan they have in place get their partner in. I am not even that close to this cousin (we spend major holidays together with the whole family but don’t otherwise spend time together) and this isn’t the first time they’ve behaved poorly/entitled.
Other potentially relevant context is that we’ve already exceeded our ideal guest count, and had to make tough calls not including some friends due to the large size of our families. So Reddit, WIBTA?
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My partner (30) and I (29) are getting married in September of this year. We are paying for the wedding ourselves and strongly prefer to extend as few obligation invites as possible.
Our general criteria for inviting unmarried partners was that they needed to be in a serious relationship (together at least 1 year, living together, and/or engaged). We felt this was pretty fair – when we were newly dating, we didn’t expect invites to each other’s friends’ or family’s weddings.
My cousin (28) has a new partner (27) and by the time of our wedding, they will only have been together around 6 months. However, their relationship has progressed quickly: they are living together in my cousin’s parents’ home.
It is clear in our RSVP that my cousin’s family is invited but not the new partner. My uncle (my cousin’s dad) asked me if they could increase their party size by 1 person and I politely, but firmly declined. Despite this answer, my brother has recently found out that my cousin plans to bring their new partner to our wedding regardless, hoping someone will no-show last minute so they can slip their partner in.
WIBTA if we hold firm and still did not allow my cousin’s partner to join the celebration? I have the support of my partner and immediate family, but I am torn because 1) I would lose the cost of the seat regardless, 2) I have nothing against the partner (although that’s mostly because I don’t know them. They haven’t even been introduced to us), 3) including them would create the least friction on our wedding day and beyond, 4) if enough people RSVP no, the partner was originally on the extended guest list, and 5) it feels a little mean/petty/ungenerous.
The issue is that I am upset and offended by my cousin’s disrespect for our wishes and the shady plan they have in place get their partner in. I am not even that close to this cousin (we spend major holidays together with the whole family but don’t otherwise spend time together) and this isn’t the first time they’ve behaved poorly/entitled.
Other potentially relevant context is that we’ve already exceeded our ideal guest count, and had to make tough calls not including some friends due to the large size of our families. So Reddit, WIBTA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because it would be simple to include the partner and originally there was a chance I was going to. Now I just don’t want to because I’m mad about what I found out.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA – it’s your wedding it’s your choice. I don’t understand why others feel selfish and entitled to dictate what you should do to accommodate their life. They asked, you answered and they are still pushing. That is beyond rude!
NTA. But I’d have a conversation with your cousin directly, and let her know that her partner will not be welcomed and that if he shows up, he’ll be asked to leave – spare seats or not. Say that you’re not wishing to cause drama but sneaky underhanded behaviour won’t be tolerated.
INFO I read this “together at least 1 year, living together, and/or engaged” as
If so, this couple meets the second criterium. I mean, you still don’t have to invite them of course, you haven’t been introduced. You don’t have to have strangers at your wedding.
Info:
This person met your criteria for getting an invite, is he your cousins live in partner.
So why didn’t you invite him in the first place?
INFO: You wrote in the beginn that you invite partners if they are in a serious relationship for example living together – and your cousin and her partner live together so they would meet the rule?
But NTA. Your wedding, your rules.
Her plan sounds like an AH move and being petty I would make sure that he will stand before closed doors and will not get any seat. But to keep family happy, maybe it would be best to at first ignore what your brother told you. And play happy face to the situation. You said that the partner was on the extended guest list. Maybe tell your cousin that while you don’t have any place now you might consider him for the extended list. But you want to meet him before and get to know him. So the cousin has to do something to get her way – make time to meet with you. And then yeah keep him on the extended list as planed. If enough cancle (not the day of the wedding) and your friends can’t fill the open seats he can come. If she is bringing him without being invited, he can stay outside.
You haven’t met them
Your cousin’s “plan” to slip their partner in if there’s a no-show sounds like something teens would do to get someone in somewhere without paying admission!
That said…I think you should choose the hill you want to die on (and perhaps it isn’t this one?). They do meet the second criteria on your list.
If this partner is going to be around for the foreseeable future, perhaps you could “compromise” and offer them the spot if someone cancels or doesn’t show up at the last minute? That might keep everyone happy(ish).
I think if you refuse to invite the partner and instead would rather have an unused seat/meal at the wedding, then YWBTA.
I feel comfortable saying you are NTA no matter what you do – because you have a right to determine your own guest list and there is absolutely no circumstance when the cousin would have any justification for pushing his gf into the wedding/reception. You named the pros and cons perfectly.
The only murky area is your own rules. ‘Living together and/ or”. They meet the criteria of living together OR’ but not the criteria of ‘living together AND’. I point out that as a potential source of confusion, but it doesn’t really change the judgement at all.
The information about cousin’s plans also needs to be 100% solid before you make a decision.
Since you can decide to handle things whatever way you prefer without being an AH, the question is what do you feel is best.
I might lean toward the least disruptive path so that I spent as little time focused on them on my wedding day as possible.
But the ire at cousin’s track record and the (I’ll add) the nightmare logistics of who determines if there are no shows and when/ how that is done AND how that affects seating… they will be on your mind in a negative way no matter what!
Honestly, thinking that through makes me want to rescind the cousin’s invite altogether’
Sorry – I feel I added another consideration (logistics) and another imperfect option (rescind his invite). And the decision remains in your lap.
Cousin et al may not like your decision and try to make you out to be the bad guy. But you can remain confident that, whatever you decide, you are not TA, he is.
NTA. Your cousin is being incredibly disrespectful. You could un-invite the cousin in favor of a friend you couldn’t originally include. 😏 But seriously, explain to your cousin that space is already very limited and you weren’t able to invite friends that you wanted to include so it’s not fair of her to try to bring a new partner to someone else’s event. Period. She needs to respect that boundary or remove herself from the event.
NTA but I would talk to your cousin now and be clear their partner is not invited.
You are putting too much mental energy into this.
Only 3 things matter
Do you have a “no show” “waitlist”? Say other plus ones you actually know or maybe local friends that didn’t make the cut you could invite other people drop out?
If yes, I’d make it clear to your cousin there is a waitlist of people you know and a high chance there won’t be space day of.
Will it take you any energy day of or close to it to manage “re filled” spots? Making new place cards, updating entry lists, etc. if it does and you don’t want to deal with it, just be clear that only those on the actual guest list will be getting in due to pre planning it takes. And that if he shows up, both he and the cousin will be asked to leave.
If the answer is no to both and you don’t have a reason to believe this person is awful (say an alcoholic who will ruin your day) – no one to fill the spot and no extra effort to you, just let them come if there is space.
Put your mental energy away from this and into planning and looking forward to your wedding.
Close, but NTA on balance
Engage a friend (*not* family) to act as bouncer for this cousin. If she shows up with partner, both of them get turfed.
NTlA, as it’s ultimately your wedding and decision
Was this requirement communicated to the invitees beforehand though? I’d expect some pushback and drama regardless
I would strongly consider disinviting the cousin. Also I think you say to anyone who questions your choices it s a small wedding and space is limited. We are unable to invite friends we would like there so you can attend. We can t extend invites to plus ones. Hope you understand.
NTA.
I was kinda on the fence until you got to the part where they asked; you declined; and they decided to ignore that and try and sneak in anyway. Frankly if that’s how they treat you, I would be uninviting the cousin. It’s your wedding day; it’s entirely up to you who is and isn’t welcome. If they don’t respect you enough to recognize that, I wouldn’t want them there full stop.
NTA, they asked and you said no (which I would definitely do the same) and it’s a major AH move for them not to respect that
It’s your wedding and your choice. Guests should abide by your plus-1 rules, no matter how rigid and ridiculous they are.
You may not be an AO, your wedding your rules, but you are not being very nice. Your family will have a legit and justified reason to talk against you and your wedding will be a negative experience within your family. It looks as if you are being petty. (Ps to all the others reading. Downvotes are childish and I answer with the thinking the OP is mature and wants all sides of the argument.). I am sorry it’s causing you stress, but I think you should send an invitation
What happens if there isn’t a no show? She’s all dressed up with nowhere to go? You know, they are still going to expect her to be let in.
NTA, I’d uninvite the cousin and anyone who was in on this very disrespectful plan. And you may need security at the wedding.
I think the part that would get me is that they mean to try and sneak her in, hoping that someone doesn’t show. But, what if everyone shows? Is she just gonna stand in the corner looking awkward?
NTA, your cousin’s secret plan is really shitty and it’s your wedding. At the end of the day though, if you do have a cancellation, is it that big a deal to let him bring a date? It’s not hurting anyone and you’ll be keeping the peace. I’d reach out directly to the cousin and say something like “Hey, I’m excited to meet your new partner sometime–if we have a cancellation, I’ll let you know and hope they can make it. We don’t have the space otherwise, but I’ll keep you posted.” Hopefully the cousin won’t pull any nonsense if there are no cancellations–at that point, he’s an even bigger A, but hopefully it won’t come to that.
It’s your wedding and you do you, but your rule seems a bit arbitrary to me. If cousin is living with his GF then in most cases she would be a +1. If you sent out invites before they were serious then it’s completely appropriate to say the numbers are set and she can’t come. It would also be fine to say if you get late cancellations she could come as this won’t mean any extra outlay on your part. She would have to sit wherever the original guest would have because you don’t need to be reorganizing the seating plan at that point but she could be made welcome. You can certainly opt to set and keep whatever rule you want but your question was does it make you an AH and yes it does a bit.
Like I guess you can do it, but I have no idea why you are being so insistent. It just sets you up to be nit picked by your family, your cousin may not come, and will likely just be way more of a dark spot on the day than inviting a partner that you dont know will