My dad and I were talking about family weddings. To be clear, I am nowhere close to a wedding rn, but something I’ve always known is I want to know everyone at my wedding.
My cousin is almost a decade older than me. I have not seen her since I was a kid, and even as kids she rarely played with me as I’m younger than her and she couldn’t relate. I played more with her younger siblings.
She has a BF of the last 10 or so years. I never met him, but my dad’s sister, BIL, brother know him well and think highly of him.
When I told my dad that I wouldn’t give my cousin a plus one to my wedding one day, he got mad. He pointed out they’d been together forever. I told him I don’t care if it’s her boyfriend or husband, the issue is I never met the guy. It’s a rule I’d have for all my guests.
My dad told me if I don’t give my cousin a plus one, he wouldn’t go to my wedding. He is extremely close to his siblings so I think he sees it as me insulting my cousin’s mom. Mid-argument he admitted he doesn’t recall ever meeting my cousin’s BF. He doesn’t even know the guy personally, just from stories.
Again I am not dating right now so this isn’t a pressing issue, but I am still hurt that my dad’s attendance at my wedding is conditional. How do I talk to him about it? When I brought it up again saying another cousin (on my other side of the family) thinks he’s in the wrong, he said he could live with that.
I am not opposed to inviting my cousin’s BF if they made effort to meet with me before the theoretical RSVP deadline. I just don’t see that happening as despite me visiting the city where my cousin works once a year, she has never made time to meet with me even without her boyfriend. My other cousins all make the effort, as well my aunts/uncles. She is doing well financially, so money isn’t stopping her from meeting for lunch, I assume it’s apathy.
What do I do about my dad though?
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Backup of the post’s body: My dad and I were talking about family weddings. To be clear, I am nowhere close to a wedding rn, but something I’ve always known is I want to know everyone at my wedding.
My cousin is almost a decade older than me. I have not seen her since I was a kid, and even as kids she rarely played with me as I’m younger than her and she couldn’t relate. I played more with her younger siblings.
She has a BF of the last 10 or so years. I never met him, but my dad’s sister, BIL, brother know him well and think highly of him.
When I told my dad that I wouldn’t give my cousin a plus one to my wedding one day, he got mad. He pointed out they’d been together forever. I told him I don’t care if it’s her boyfriend or husband, the issue is I never met the guy. It’s a rule I’d have for all my guests.
My dad told me if I don’t give my cousin a plus one, he wouldn’t go to my wedding. He is extremely close to his siblings so I think he sees it as me insulting my cousin’s mom. Mid-argument he admitted he doesn’t recall ever meeting my cousin’s BF. He doesn’t even know the guy personally, just from stories.
Again I am not dating right now so this isn’t a pressing issue, but I am still hurt that my dad’s attendance at my wedding is conditional. How do I talk to him about it? When I brought it up again saying another cousin (on my other side of the family) thinks he’s in the wrong, he said he could live with that.
I am not opposed to inviting my cousin’s BF if they made effort to meet with me before the theoretical RSVP deadline. I just don’t see that happening as despite me visiting the city where my cousin works once a year, she has never made time to meet with me even without her boyfriend. My other cousins all make the effort, as well my aunts/uncles. She is doing well financially, so money isn’t stopping her from meeting for lunch, I assume it’s apathy.
What do I do about my dad though?
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Until there’s even a possibility of a wedding, it’s a moot point so don’t stress over it
If you’re going to have that kind of rule (no plus ones if I don’t know them, even if you’ve been together for decades) then you’ll first of all need to have a small venue so that you can use that as an excuse for why you have to limit the guest list so severely.
Also, you’ll need to be sure that you’re comfortable with having a lot of people choose not to come. It’s the same as destination weddings, or child free weddings, or weddings that fall in the middle of the week. You’re allowed to do whatever you want…but you also have to respect that some people may choose not to come because of that.
As the bride, you are viewing your wedding as your day, however it is also a day for both families to meet and integrate. People often say that the only times full families come together are at weddings and funerals.
While I understand your desire to know everyone at your future wedding because it is a special day for you, I don’t think you’re giving enough consideration to your dad’s desire to reinforce family bonds, and the injury that exclusion could cause in his close family relationships.
I think you should change your point of view, OP. Your wedding will largely be about you, but it’s also an important family event, and compromising here would show your love for your father and family as a whole.
Finally, if you really want to hold true to your original boundary, you have a lot of time to make sure you meet your cousin’s long term partner so that you can avoid a situation that may harm your relationship with your father.
In summary, YWBTA. I hope you change your pov.
Aren’t you already married: https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/1ivpgjo/i_34f_told_my_husband_34m_that_i_dont_want_to/
My husband and I just had this conversation today, actually. We are both in agreement neither of us would ever go to a wedding where we both weren’t invited and would feel disrespected if one was but not the other. And that goes for when we were committed but not married as well.
I see how your dad may be feeling embarrassed that his own child is willing to do this to their family. I understand his possible bluff to show you he feels strongly about that theoretical choice.
Why not just not invite the cousin? Wouldn’t do that because you’d feel like an AH? Then you would be the AH for not inviting the unit. Because that’s what couples are saying, we are together and come as a package. A wedding is to literally celebrate two humans coming together as a unit and you’re snubbing your own families relationships.
I think you will come to change your position as you get older. As more of your friends get married and you start “wedding era” of your life. Guests spend a very small amount of time with the bride unless they are in the wedding party. A wedding is a family event and this exclusion is odd to me. Would it change if they were engaged or married? How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Attending a wedding is a time and money commitment. People want to have their partner there with them to celebrate and enjoy the event.
You are being selfish.
Go find something to do.
You need to more talk to your dad how what he says hurts. That he’s basically putting a guy he’s never met over you is how I’m reading that makes you feel. Especially when you’re not even in a relationship so it’s a moot point, you don’t even have someone you want to marry. Is this a common thing, him putting extended family over you?
What if your partner wants to invite someone you’ve never met? What if it’s a partner of a family member that they’ve never met? It will be your wedding, but personally I feel like this is a really weird hill to die on.
What if your husband has family members that you have never met? Are you gonna ban them from attending your wedding?
Quick question, why should they make the effort ?? You haven’t done so in The past 10 years either… you have know off him the same.
Pointless discussion until the time comes. Drop it and don’t engage in pointless arguments