My(44f) dad passed away after a very short battle with cancer. He was married to my step mother for the last 6 years together 7. He didn’t want a funeral and she decided not to do an obituary (no one really knows why). A month after his death she asked me what I wanted from the house and “how much of my dad” I wanted (he was cremated). I told her enough to put into an urn pendant for myself and my son, that I would like 5 specific photos (of long dead pets, my parents with my sisters) and one of his sports jerseys. That was 8 months ago , I have offered more than once to send money for shipping, and she keeps telling me she will send these things but hasn’t. There is alot more to the story but she and I have never had anything negative happen between us. And I understand she lost her husband but this is my dad! So she has reached out twice since the last “I will send” asking about floods, tornados and such and I haven’t responded because honestly it hurts a lot and I’m worried that I’m going to say something that I can’t take back. WIBTA if I continue to basically go no contact since she doesn’t seem willing to send my dad’s items?
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My(44f) dad passed away after a very short battle with cancer. He was married to my step mother for the last 6 years together 7. He didn’t want a funeral and she decided not to do an obituary (no one really knows why). A month after his death she asked me what I wanted from the house and “how much of my dad” I wanted (he was cremated). I told her enough to put into an urn pendant for myself and my son, that I would like 5 specific photos (of long dead pets, my parents with my sisters) and one of his sports jerseys. That was 8 months ago , I have offered more than once to send money for shipping, and she keeps telling me she will send these things but hasn’t. There is alot more to the story but she and I have never had anything negative happen between us. And I understand she lost her husband but this is my dad! So she has reached out twice since the last “I will send” asking about floods, tornados and such and I haven’t responded because honestly it hurts a lot and I’m worried that I’m going to say something that I can’t take back. WIBTA if I continue to basically go no contact since she doesn’t seem willing to send my dad’s items?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The question is would I be the asshole if I didn’t respond because she’s grieving too
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, but ignoring her and not responding to her simply asking how you’re doing will pretty much guarantee you’ll never receive your dad’s items.
It doesn’t sound like she’s doing this maliciously, so maybe wait a few months then reach back out to her again after things settle a bit.
Maybe sending his things away is too much atm? It took me two years to send my aunt some dresses from my mom. Somehow, leaving her closet untouched was better than emptying it. The bare room was another level of finality.
You lost your dad, but she lost her life partner. Not everyone grieves the same way. She may be struggling to just keep herself together. If you’ve never felt like that, I envy you. I have felt like that and there are days it is all you can do to breathe and move forward a step or two. On the good days you have to try and get through everything that you didn’t manage on the bad days and you have to prioritize. Did you ever consider visiting for a few days and offering to help instead of expecting her to deal with everything by herself and being offended when you weren’t her #1 priority? If you choose to go no contact over this you would 100% be the AH.
Yes, you lost your dad, but she lost her husband, so she is also grieving. It took a year for me to get rid of anything of my husband’s, and I’m still going through stuff 4.5 years later. Sometimes, it’s just not something that is in the forefront of our minds, so maybe a little additional grace would be a nice thing. If those things mean that much, why not go visit your stepmother, and while you’re in town, perhaps you could ask if there is anything you can do to help her.
I wouldn’t say that you are currently TA, but if your cutting off contact over this without even trying to understand what her grief is about, then yes, you definitely would be TA.
I would wait a bit and try again. People grieve in different ways. And it may just be overwhelming for her right now even though she offered.
kind of, yeah. Have you considered going up/down to visit her and gather the stuff yourself? It seems like you weren’t super close but she might be grieving just as much as you are.
NTA, but….
Going nc isn’t going to get you the things you want. Visit her. Chat a little bit. Give her a hug, Get your things or get a reason why you aren’t getting the things. Then decide how you want to proceed, but get the things you want from your father first.
Don’t wait for her to send it, go get it. I’ve been waiting over a decade for my aunt to send pictures of my grandparents and I from when I was little that she still hasn’t given me.
YTA she is grieving right now. She lost her husband. Everything is probably upside down for her and she’s probably having a hard time trying to get her act together. It takes time to work through it and it could take weeks and months for her. Have some empathy as you’re not the only one that lost your dad. Keep in touch with her. It will help you and it will help her.
OMG! Nearly the same scenario we had when our Dad passed. She visit him in the hospital, group texts, no wake, cremation. little closure. Luckily we got his cremains, some family photos and a couple of boxes of clothes. Things were strained before his death. we have not spoken since I got him from her nearly a year ago.
I am sorry for your loss. NTA as I lived a very similar scenario.
Do you have prepaid postal bags in your country. If so, address it to yourself, pay all the things, and send it inside another big envelope to her. (Along with a nice card)
Make it super easy for her to send you the stuff .
NTA but you may have to physically go and get the items you want.