I am 25F, my little sister S 23F, dad 50M and my gma 80F are all who are involved. I want to clarify that my sister is adopted by my dad after hers passed before her birth. So keep in mind that my sister isn’t “blood”.
My Gma was diagnosed with fibrosis in her lungs and congestive heart failure about a year ago. My dad is her full time caregiver. S and I both live out of state. She would come with me to visit my dad for visitation and was fully part of the family. Since S’s adulthood, she has been doing nothing but burning bridges. She accused my dad of stealing from her, lied to me about anything from joining the military, to having “secret” conversations with my husband. All of this is just to show y’all there is a pattern with her behavior.
My gma is very ill. Coming to terms with her own mortality, filled with questions, deep thoughts, and fears. A few months after my gmas diagnosis, S called gma and told her she had gone blind (she hadn’t confirmed by other family that lives with her) and had no ride to the hospital. This threw gma into a coughing fit. Later, my gma needed her gallbladder removed. S called as soon as my gma got home. When gma started talking about how hard her recovery and surgery was, S said she got hers removed and practically dismissed my gmas struggles. Just recently, S called asking if she could visit. S owns 3 dogs. Gma says she asked to bring all three and she had said no because she is too sick to have dogs running the house. It’s been 4 months since S has called gma. My sister is telling me my gma is a “fucking bitch” for telling her she can’t visit with the dogs. To further make my point, I visit regularly and my gma has tubs of family heirlooms including children’s toys she played with, jewelry, cookbooks, that she has asked me to go ahead and take “to not give S the opportunity to take them and sell them at some pawn shop”. She calls gma never asking how she is. As soon as gma speaks of herself, suddenly my mother’s calling or S has reached her destination and has to hang up.
Should I be feeling so guilty?
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I am 25F, my little sister S 23F, dad 50M and my gma 80F are all who are involved. I want to clarify that my sister is adopted by my dad after hers passed before her birth. So keep in mind that my sister isn’t “blood”.
My Gma was diagnosed with fibrosis in her lungs and congestive heart failure about a year ago. My dad is her full time caregiver. S and I both live out of state. She would come with me to visit my dad for visitation and was fully part of the family. Since S’s adulthood, she has been doing nothing but burning bridges. She accused my dad of stealing from her, lied to me about anything from joining the military, to having “secret” conversations with my husband. All of this is just to show y’all there is a pattern with her behavior.
My gma is very ill. Coming to terms with her own mortality, filled with questions, deep thoughts, and fears. A few months after my gmas diagnosis, S called gma and told her she had gone blind (she hadn’t confirmed by other family that lives with her) and had no ride to the hospital. This threw gma into a coughing fit. Later, my gma needed her gallbladder removed. S called as soon as my gma got home. When gma started talking about how hard her recovery and surgery was, S said she got hers removed and practically dismissed my gmas struggles. Just recently, S called asking if she could visit. S owns 3 dogs. Gma says she asked to bring all three and she had said no because she is too sick to have dogs running the house. It’s been 4 months since S has called gma. My sister is telling me my gma is a “fucking bitch” for telling her she can’t visit with the dogs. To further make my point, I visit regularly and my gma has tubs of family heirlooms including children’s toys she played with, jewelry, cookbooks, that she has asked me to go ahead and take “to not give S the opportunity to take them and sell them at some pawn shop”. She calls gma never asking how she is. As soon as gma speaks of herself, suddenly my mother’s calling or S has reached her destination and has to hang up.
Should I be feeling so guilty?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My sister isn’t going to be told that my gma has passed and won’t know of her funeral. S is not blood to my family. We have different dads but she was raised with my dad and my family. Since her adulthood she has done nothing but hurt and insult my dad and family including my very sick gma. My dad and other family has asked me not to tell her about gma passing or her funeral to save them all the fights and drama that comes with S but as her older sister and understanding her on the level I do, I feel guilty. This decision is going to put not only my relationship with my sister on the line but my mother, step father and brother as well. I love my sister and understand she’s delayed but that’s no excuse for stealing from my gma just to sell the stuff at a pawn shop or call only to talk of herself not allowing a single word in from my gma or going so low as to call her disgusting names for not getting her way. The character limit really limited my ability to really get my sisters true colors across to the group. I can only hope for a bit of detached input. Would you feel guilty? Would you make the same choice? Am I going to be the asshole for preventing my sister from saying a proper goodbye or am I manipulated into feeling guilty?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, though I personally would tell her in a rather polite but short manner to stop her calling unnecessarily and dragging out the grief process.
Pointing out several times that S is not blood relative and adopted makes you sound like the AH in the first paragraph. It sounds like you have never accepted S as a sister – and is honestly not important to this story
S burned all bridges and is acting very imature. It would be best, to keep her away from your gma for as long as Gma is able to live. Ask your Gma if she has a will – like if she wants to cut S out. But don’t suggest that. It should be your Gma’s decission. Just the question about the will, because if she has non, all stuff will be divided between the family and S will get her fair share as her granddaughter. This said, I don’t think it is your decission, if your sister will be informed about your Gma death. If your Gma says she doesn’t want S at her funeral, then accept that as your Gma wish. If she doesn’t say anything about that, talk with your dad and other relatives if they want S at the funeral, if they are neutral about this or if they absolutly don’t want her there. And if there are some who want her there and some don’t – I think Gma’s direct kids’ opinium will be stronger then distant relatives opinium (as they will loose their mother).
But even if it is decided that S will not be welcome at the funeral, she should know that her Gma past. So she can be there at the testament reading – because if she is not, she could stire drama, that you cut her out and cry-cry-unfair. And non of you want her coming with a lawer or to divide the family over that.
YTA for saying that your sister is not blood. That’s peak asshole behaviour. You point out the shitty things she done but what about yourself? He being adopted in no way had anything to do with this story. So if felt the need to say that I wonder how you have treated. Have you made sure to point out to that she’s not blood as often as possible?
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NTA
There’s definitely no obligation to share information that is not yours to share.
Your grandma hasn’t told her , nor have any of your family especially your dad .
He imo probably knows your sister won’t be the shoulder he needs to cry on , so has your grandma and the rest of the family.
My question is , if death seems to be such a topic you must be expecting it sometime soon , why hasn’t your sister already tried to care and be there for gma , you or your dad that’s what good family does .
You choose your family , and your sister is choosing to not be part of yours .
Your priority should be the feelings of your Father and gma , not your sister. And giving her the sympathy that she doesn’t deserve only hurts your dad and gma further if they wanted her love and support they would have asked for it .
Lessen yourself of this burden and simply choose the people who are choosing you , if she finds out and loses her shit you have to do nothing more than let her cry , scream and blame till she might actually start to see her own faults . If that never happens atleast you know you did everything you could to care for the family who cared for you
NTA
There’s definitely no obligation to share information that is not yours to share.
Your grandma hasn’t told her , nor have any of your family especially your dad .
He imo probably knows your sister won’t be the shoulder he needs to cry on , so has your grandma and the rest of the family.
My question is , if death seems to be such a topic you must be expecting it sometime soon , why hasn’t your sister already tried to care and be there for gma , you or your dad that’s what good family does .
You choose your family , and your sister is choosing to not be part of yours .
Your priority should be the feelings of your Father and gma , not your sister. And giving her the sympathy that she doesn’t deserve only hurts your dad and gma further if they wanted her love and support they would have asked for it .
Lessen yourself of this burden and simply choose the people who are choosing you , if she finds out and loses her shit you have to do nothing more than let her cry , scream and blame till she might actually start to see her own faults . If that never happens atleast you know you did everything you could to care for the family who cared for you.
S is in her early 20’s which is the time when mental illness can show up in women. She sounds like she really needs help with this. I would honestly leave the telling to her about your GMA to your dad. It’s not necessarily up to you to convey the news when it happens. Just try and make your gma as comfortable as possible and don’t stress her out.
YTA. If grandmother doesn’t want her around, fine, that’s not your decision. But why all the adopted and she is not blood stuff? It’s either unnecessary or to hide your own behavior.