I (27NBi) have been in an argument with a friend (31F) for about 3 months now.
For background, we both help another friend home school her 11 year old son. I’m currently studying my Master of Teaching. My friend, we’ll call her Emily, teaches art classes on the weekend. I’m teaching the child English and HASS, Emily is teaching art and her partner (32NBi) is teaching maths. The goal was to get him re-engaged with education.
Emily was used to teaching people who had paid to be there. She didn’t know how to teach someone who didn’t want to be there. She would basically tell him if he didn’t he would have a consequence.
At first, I tried to tell her gently that her approach won’t help him learn. She kept brushing me off, so I started to get more direct. She started shutting me down harder.
About 3 months ago, she said in the group chat that she had told the kid he was being “manipulative,” and he got upset. Her partner commented that manipulative can have neutral and positive connotations, to which she agreed.
I said that manipulative is a word that is generally negative. Emily wrote: “OP. It’s sorted. We’ve moved on.” I said that while it’s sorted this time, what about next time? I said that it was shitty she was blaming the kid for everything, while refusing to look at her own behaviour. It ended with Emily calling me cruel for coming in with anger and insults and told me to “enjoy my moment.”
At 10pm, I got a message from Emily. It was about 5 paragraphs long, telling me that I had been bullying her for months, giving her small comments about her appearance. I remember telling her if her lipstick smudged, or if her shirt was undone. Things that she had expressed she’d prefer that I tell her. She also said that I was criticising her teaching.
I responded to all her points, basically saying I felt she was being unfair for not telling me about the insults and deflecting from what I’ve been trying to tell her about her teaching.
I said I’d like to see a councellor. She said “if you feel it’s necessary.” I said I do, because I don’t feel like she’s open to listening to anything I’m saying. She said she’s not, and she was worried that I was just going to brush off all accountability. I said ok, I’m done. There’s no moving forward if her voice is the only one.
Later in the week, she sent me a message saying that she didn’t say that she was against counselling, only that she only wanted to do it if I thought we needed to. She’s not against hearing me, but first she needs me to go to therapy and get control of my “anger issues”. I said I don’t meet the definition of anger issues. She said I did.
That was 3 months ago. In that time, I’ve seen therapists and all of them suggest cutting her off and moving on. We’ve been friends for the last 10 years and she’s the cornerstone of one of my main friend groups. WIBTA if I did what I said in the title?
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I (27NBi) have been in an argument with a friend (31F) for about 3 months now.
For background, we both help another friend home school her 11 year old son. I’m currently studying my Master of Teaching. My friend, we’ll call her Emily, teaches art classes on the weekend. I’m teaching the child English and HASS, Emily is teaching art and her partner (32NBi) is teaching maths. The goal was to get him re-engaged with education.
Emily was used to teaching people who had paid to be there. She didn’t know how to teach someone who didn’t want to be there. She would basically tell him if he didn’t he would have a consequence.
At first, I tried to tell her gently that her approach won’t help him learn. She kept brushing me off, so I started to get more direct. She started shutting me down harder.
About 3 months ago, she said in the group chat that she had told the kid he was being “manipulative,” and he got upset. Her partner commented that manipulative can have neutral and positive connotations, to which she agreed.
I said that manipulative is a word that is generally negative. Emily wrote: “OP. It’s sorted. We’ve moved on.” I said that while it’s sorted this time, what about next time? I said that it was shitty she was blaming the kid for everything, while refusing to look at her own behaviour. It ended with Emily calling me cruel for coming in with anger and insults and told me to “enjoy my moment.”
At 10pm, I got a message from Emily. It was about 5 paragraphs long, telling me that I had been bullying her for months, giving her small comments about her appearance. I remember telling her if her lipstick smudged, or if her shirt was undone. Things that she had expressed she’d prefer that I tell her. She also said that I was criticising her teaching.
I responded to all her points, basically saying I felt she was being unfair for not telling me about the insults and deflecting from what I’ve been trying to tell her about her teaching.
I said I’d like to see a councillor. She said “if you feel it’s necessary.” I said I do, because I don’t feel like she’s open to listening to anything I’m saying. She said she’s not, and she was worried that I was just going to brush off all accountability. I said ok, I’m done. There’s no moving forward if her voice is the only one.
Later in the week, she sent me a message saying that she didn’t say that she was against counselling, only that she only wanted to do it if I thought we needed to. She’s not against hearing me, but first she needs me to go to therapy and get control of my “anger issues”. I said I don’t meet the definition of anger issues. She said I did.
That was 3 months ago. In that time, I’ve seen therapists and all of them suggest cutting her off and moving on. We’ve been friends for the last 10 years and she’s the cornerstone of one of my main friend groups. WIBTA if I did what I said in the title?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I would be forcing someone who doesn’t like talking about their behaviour to look at what they’re doing instead of brushing past it. I don’t think they’ll actually read what I’m saying otherwise
2) I’m pushing for a resolution when they’ve said they don’t want to talk to me right now because I’ve upset them.
P.S, sorry for the awkward phrasing, character limit required I chopped some stuff.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YWBTA. She’s already told you very clearly that she thinks you’re the problem, you’re out of line, and she’s not interested in what you have to say. Trying to “force” her to listen to you will only confirm, for her, that she was right about you.
If her teaching is problematic, and you’ve already tried (and failed) to guide her, bring that up with the parent of the student.
If you want to salvage the friendship, the first step is to back off and stop telling her what to do.
Ywbta. Sounds nuts.
Leave her alone.
YWBTA- Unfortunately, we cannot force someone to communicate who clearly is not open to it. Just from your title. If you wrote a letter, gave it to her for your closure, YWNBTA… but, again, forcing someone to see your side is going to cause a skewed perspective. Best of luck internet stranger!
I think ultimately the teaching style is down to the parent? Maybe ask to have a meeting with the parent and your friend to discuss the issues.
Sounds like she is getting her degree in gaslighting. If she continues to disrespect and tell you, that you have anger issues, tell her that you don’t feel safe around her and distance from the friend group. Be very transparent with friends. Don’t drag her through the mud, but don’t take the high road either. I’m willing to bet that there are some other friends who are keeping quiet, especially if they feel she’s the “cornerstone” of the group.
YTA. Unless you are directly observing your friend’s teaching as her supervisor, you have no business criticizing or otherwise interfering with, her teaching. Your comment that Emily is “used to teaching people who had paid to be there. She didn’t know how to teach someone who didn’t want to be there” is both, uncalled for and unprofessional. Many teachers moonlight as tutors for paying clients; that makes them no less qualified to work with students who, in your words, “don’t want to be there.”
If you have concerns, bring them to the attention of your client’s parents. Otherwise, as Emily seems to have told you, you seem to have your own personal issues to deal with. As “all” of your therapists have told you, move on.
You can’t force her to see your side any more than you’ve seen hers. Either drop it and move on or drop the entire relationship. Seems to me you have plenty of negative opinions. Maybe you are the problem.
YWBTA. Stop trying to win and listen to your therapists.
Yta. Where is the child’s parent in all this? Don’t any of you have regular jobs? You can’t control other people’s relationships. Just let it go.
Ywbta
It sounds you are all too enmeshed with each other in a way that’s approaching toxicity. You’ve all mixed your friendships, families and careers and surprise, things aren’t going well.
Maybe teaching/kid stuff needs to be kept between the individual teacher and the parent? This sounds like too many cooks in the kitchen.
A three month argument? Resolve it or move on.
ESH
A personal therapist can only give advice based on what you’ve told them, based on your experience from your POV, so set that aside and quit using it in your ammunition against her. While it’s something to consider, it’s not ammunition an argument. You’re misapplying therapy, it’s for personal growth, not winning an argument. Stop it.
Joint therapy or counseling would be a good idea for the both of you as you both have clearly built up a resentment for one another in this ‘friendship’ and its time to either find a way to communicate together with help, or go your separate ways. Not because one of you has something wrong, but because both of you are circling toxicity against one another at this point from mutual resentment.
Lastly, stop giving unasked for advice on her teaching approaches, at that point it isn’t advice, it’s just pointless criticism.
NTA. Clear communication is key, but it takes two to tango. Also, respect from both parties is non-negotiable.
Yes, you would be. I don’t know if you are right or wrong but it doesn’t matter. Because no matter what you say on the paper your friend is not willing to discuss it anymore. I get you want closer. You want them to hear and understand what you are saying. But that takes two people. It always takes two people to communicate. Your friend has left the conversation. Let them go. Let this conversation go.
Why is this a fight between the two of you? Where are the parents of the kid?
ESH. She may be a bad teacher, but you need to learn to stay in your lane. You’re not her supervisor. Why didn’t she resolve these issues with the parents? And the fact that this has gone on for 3 months is ridiculous.
YTA, and learn the difference between councillor and counsellor.
YTA everyone has moved on but you… and yes, you’re micromanaging her. You’re not paying her salary. I would be so annoyed if I had to work alongside you.
YTA.
I see from everything you’ve typed, you’re a “right-fighter”.
You believe that you are always right, and you have to fight with everyone until the concede to your perspective. It doesn’t matter if you are truly right, you believe you are and therefore you believe you have the right to make someone believe what you do, or else they’re a bad person.
I’ve known people like you my entire life. When I realize someone is a “right-fighter”, I only interact with them when I have to, while cutting them out of my life.
I’m betting you have or had very few friends growing up.