I (23M) was recently told that my cousin (23F) was getting married. I live in Europe whereas she lives in North Africa (I am North African by descent).
My mother, who brought the news to me, later told me (without making it an option) to send £150 to my aunt (my cousin’s mother) in order to contribute towards the wedding costs. The wedding will take place in a week from now.
My cousin is officially married already, only the celebration need be funded.
I am deeply unmotivated to contribute £150, even though that amount of money isn’t colossal, for the following reasons.
First, I was not aware that she envisaged getting married or even had someone in mind (I did not know the man) until I was (indirectly) told three days ago.
Second, my mother painted the contribution as “charity,” which makes little sense to me as the latter need be voluntary (and not coercive) and contribute toward a necessary cause (fighting hunger, housing homeless individuals)—a celebration does not seem that “necessary” to warrant that label to me.
Third, I was not asked directly.
WIBTA if I chose not to send the money? I’d be happy to provide any additional information in the comments.
Comments
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I (23M) was recently told that my cousin (23F) was getting married. I live in Europe whereas she lives in North Africa (I am North African by descent).
My mother, who brought the news to me, later told me (without making it an option) to send £150 to my aunt (my cousin’s mother) in order to contribute towards the wedding costs. The wedding will take place in a week from now.
My cousin is officially married already, only the celebration need be funded.
I am deeply unmotivated to contribute £150, even though that amount of money isn’t colossal, for the following reasons.
First, I was not aware that she envisaged getting married or even had someone in mind (I did not know the man) until I was (indirectly) told three days ago.
Second, my mother painted the contribution as “charity,” which makes little sense to me as the latter need be voluntary (and not coercive) and contribute toward a necessary cause (fighting hunger, housing homeless individuals)—a celebration does not seem that “necessary” to warrant that label to me.
Third, I was not asked directly.
WIBTA if I chose not to send the money? I’d be happy to provide any additional information in the comments.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) Refusing to contribute £150 towards my cousin’s wedding for the reasons mentioned in the post. (2) I might be the asshole because I can afford that payment and yet decide not to proceed.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Do not send money. I am always surprised by the arrogance of people who think they have the right to spend somebody else’s money.
NTA, I think your mom can contribute double if she thinks this practice is normal, lmao!!
NTA. They are asking you to pay for the party that they are throwing to celebrate the wedding that they already had. You are under no obligation to contribute.
NTA This is very dependent on cultural norms but I agree with both your reasons. If you are not close at all with the cousin or aunt it’s your choice, but if you are I would at least consider a lower amount. I think your mom is being pushy here and it’s good to establish a boundary.
You wont be the asshole for not sending the money but id be making sure that this wont hurt your family relationships. We shouldnt have to pay for our peace but many times we do so id weigh that before jumping headfirst either way. You can consider it a wedding gift if its the wording of charity thats bothering you. NTA.
NTA time to cut off your mini goverment
NTA, this does not seem like the culture where you’re from. Also y’all aren’t that close if not you would have know about the man before hand. Sooo not necessary
I think we need way more information.
Is this common in your culture? If you got married would family contribute to your wedding?
Are you ever going home? Is this the kind of thing that would case an issue with the family in the future?
Will this impact your mom’s relationship with your family? What happens if you are living overseas in 25 years and your mom needs an operation and you can’t get home and the family refuses to take her to the hospital citing your stinginess?
Do you have more cousins? Will sending money for this wedding obligate you to send money to 12 more weddings because you have 12 more cousins?
Unless there is some weird cultural requirement attached to these things, you are definitely NTA. Blow off the demand for money, there is no actual obligation on your part for this.
NTA
You’re 23 and not 15, it IS an option who you give money to and for what reason. Just ignore your mom, if she gets upset, that’s on her. NTA
Your family has a weird taxation system. I would have thought at least an invite would be required before you pay the toll
I ain’t calling your mama an Asshole just cause you don’t wanna. Thats a you issue. All your mama did was tell you to chip in. If you have an issue with that, take it up with her.
NAH.
See if you can talk to your mum about cultural expectations around this. Assuming your family is African and you grew up African-adjacent. I know there are cultures where the family members abroad and making decent money are expected to share that wealth with the extended family back home. From a European perspective, you are NTA to refuse this ridiculous request. But from the perspective of your mum’s culture, you might be.
And it IS your mum asking, not your aunt or your cousin, right? They may have no idea your mum asked you to contribute, and your mum may feel an obligation for your family in Europe to donate.
It sounds like this is the first time you’ve been approached as an individual, and I would suggest that if you DO send money to your aunt for this, you are setting a precedent that you will carry on this practice for your extended family back in Africa. And it WILL become an expectation that you are part of the family diaspora that sends money.
I would say a conversation with your mum about this is needed, and what it means for next time if you do.
I think your mother is expected to cough up that sum, not you.
Your mother just passed the buck to you.
If you don’t send the money, your mother will get it from someone else.
I mean, are you invited to the wedding?
If you are, I would say that this would be my wedding gift for them
If not and you say you aren’t close to them, then I wouldn’t give them anything.
It’s your money, and you simply don’t have the budget to hand over people money like this.
NTA.
I’ve been in similar situations and I know it feels weird and strange and a lot of times you kind of don’t want to not pay anything for all the reasons given here already. But honestly, I’ve only ever ended up giving money when it was a wedding that was close by. Whenever there was a wedding on the other side of the planet, and I already had to pay a fortune for flights, car, and everything else, I refused to give money as well.
Most people will be more than happy that you were actually able to show up. And honestly, if they don’t and judge you by the amount of money you contributed, then they’re not real family or friends.
NTA. You’re an adult. You are the boss of how to spend your money. If you mother thinks your cousin needs charity, then you mother can send her own money.
NTA. it is the bride/groom’s responsibility to fun their wedding/celebration. Your mom need’s an education.
NTA Why do you need to contribute to some one else’s event?
I’m guessing it’s not a cultural practice as you would probably have mentioned that. It also sounds like maybe you’re not even going to the celebration since you live on a different continent? In which case it would be insane to ask you to help pay for it.
NTA. Just pretend you didn’t know.
“I’ll send the money directly to cousin, Mom, but that will be my wedding gift.”
NTA
It is outrageous to demand money from you for a wedding that you have nothing to do with except that you happen to be related to the bride. Tell your mother that it’s not your responsibility to contribute to your cousin’s wedding.
Tell her you will decide which “charities” you choose to support.
NTA – just play dumb. If it comes up again, I’d literally say “Oh, I thought you were joking! I had no idea my cousin was even getting married, was already married, that I was expected to pay for it and that you had the ability to spend my money on my behalf” and then laugh some more.
NTA. The couple is already married and just seeking funding for a celebration? People are supposed to plan weddings within their financial means. It sounds like you won’t even be there. IMO the amount they are asking for would be steep even as a wedding gift for a remote cousin.
Why is there an expectation for you to contribute financially to your cousin’s wedding? Weird.
NTA
NTA you weren’t even invited if she wanted money/gift you should have been invited and actually gone.
I’ve never understood the idea that others would be expected to contribute to the wedding!?
Sure, parents of bride/hroom may choose to do so (if they want – no pressure), but apart from that it’s strange, and even more strange to expect or even demand it.
NTA next thing you know you’ll have to send money for her baby shower etc.