I (35f) am expecting my first baby with my husband (36f) early next year.
My in laws are super warm and loving people, and are very excited for the baby. Both are in their mid-70s, but MIL’s physical and mental health (Alzheimer’s) is not good so life isn’t easy for them. SIL (42f) lives with them – we get on well but she can get quite defensive and argumentative even over innocuous topics.
When husband and I first got together 9 years ago, I noticed their house was quite messy and dirty. I am a clean freak so I probably noticed it more, but husband also agrees that their house isn’t as clean as he’d like – eg crockery, cutlery and kitchen utensils not properly washed, stove and fridge are grimy, visible layer of dust under furniture that a baby would get to (eg coffee table), floor not hoovered for weeks (I once saw food crumbs that were dropped on a previous visit still there when we next visited a few weeks later), years of cobwebs on the ceiling, and a new bathroom they got installed last year is already quite mucky. It’s gotten worse in recent years, no doubt due to MILs health and the extra burden that brings on looking after a home.
A few years back we suggested they get a cleaner, but SIL took personal offence, her and my husband had an argument and the idea got shut down and we never raised it again. When we visit them now I just keep quiet, avoid using the toilet and ask my husband to clean the plate I’m given if it’s dirty.
However now that we’re having a baby it’s on my mind again. My in laws will want us to bring the baby over lots (as MILs health makes the 1+hr car journey to our house tough to do regularly) but I am worried that the unsanitary environment isn’t good for a baby. I am not typically an anxious person but we’ve had a long infertility and IVF journey so that’s made me quite nervous about the pregnancy and health of the baby. I’m particularly nervous about once the baby starts crawling and puts things in its mouth, as there’s genuinely months of dirt on the floor, and that could make it sick.
My preference would be for my in laws to understand that their house is dirtier than normal and get a cleaner – we would even pay as they aren’t wealthy – to set my mind at ease. I’ve tried to raise it gently with my husband recently but, whilst he understands my concerns about a crawling baby, he says I’m being OCD about cleanliness and he won’t deprive his parents of time with their grandchild. I don’t want to fight with him or my in laws, but WIBTA for not wanting to expose a baby/young child’s sensitive immune system to their dirty house?
EDITED to add: husband agrees their house isn’t clean to my standard (or his) but he says it isn’t unsafe or disgusting enough to justify upsetting his parents and an argument with his sister. Baby is his priority and he’d never put it at risk. We’re just at a difference of opinion on whether this is a risk.
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I (35f) am expecting my first baby with my husband (36f) early next year.
My in laws are super warm and loving people, and are very excited for the baby. Both are in their mid-70s, but MIL’s physical and mental health (Alzheimer’s) is not good so life isn’t easy for them. SIL (44f) lives with them – we get on well but she can get quite defensive and argumentative even over innocuous topics.
When husband and I first got together 7 years ago, I noticed their house was quite messy and dirty. I am a clean freak so I probably noticed it more, but husband also agrees that their house isn’t as clean as he’d like – eg kitchen items arent properly washed, stove and fridge are grimy, floor and rugs dirty and not hoovered, years of cobwebs on the ceiling, food hygiene isn’t great, a new bathroom they got installed last year is already quite mucky. It’s gotten worse in recent years, no doubt due to MILs health and the extra burden that brings on looking after a home.
A few years back we suggested they get a cleaner, but SIL took personal offence, her and my husband had an argument and the idea got shut down and we never raised it again. When we visit them now I just keep quiet, avoid using the toilet and count down till we can leave as the dirt makes me uncomfortable.
However now that we’re having a baby it’s on my mind again. My in laws will want us to bring the baby over lots (as MILs health makes the 1+hr car journey to our house tough to do regularly) but I am worried that the unsanitary environment isn’t good for a baby. I am not typically an anxious person but we’ve had a long infertility and IVF journey so that’s made me quite nervous about the pregnancy and health of the baby. I’m particularly nervous about once the baby starts crawling and puts things in its mouth, as there’s genuinely months of dirt on the floor, and that could make it sick.
My preference would be for my in laws to understand that their house is dirtier than normal and get a cleaner – we would even pay as they aren’t wealthy – to set my mind at ease. I’ve tried to raise it gently with my husband recently but, whilst he understands my concerns about a crawling baby, he says I’m being OCD about cleanliness and he won’t deprive his parents of time with their grandchild. I don’t want to fight with him or my in laws, but WIBTA for not wanting to expose a baby/young child’s sensitive immune system to their dirty house?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don’t want my future baby to visit my in laws because their house is too dirty and it could out the baby’s health at risk. I might be overreacting or being unkind to my in laws in their mid 70s who are struggling to cope. Raising it would also cause a ruckus with SIL who lives with them.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. WTF is wrong with your husband? His child’s safety should be paramount. An infant should not be in a filthy house, his parents’ feelings about it be damned. They can get a cleaner or come to you. I would hold the line on this. Best of luck xx
NTA. Stand your ground on this. Why should you be required to deliver your baby to a dirty house, and keep quiet about it, so that everyone can be “happy”? The house is dirty to the point that you don’t eat there or use the bathroom—that is not healthy for anybody!
NTA. I would die on this hill. Tell your husband that you are not keeping your baby from his parents; either they get their filthy house cleaned or they are very welcome to visit you often. But do NOT subject your baby to filth, grime and dirt just to ‘keep the peace’. On this occasion their lack of action (cleaning) has the consequence of you not visiting with your baby. They need to get over themselves (especially SIL) and stop living in their own filth. Your husband is out of order here, don’t give in to him on this. Your child matters more than people sulking over having to clean their own mess.
NTA—your child’s health and safety is a hill to die on. Maybe you could bring up your concerns at your next doctor’s appointment and let the doctor convince your husband? Not that he shouldn’t just listen to you, but maybe having a professional’s opinion will show him you’re not just being overprotective/paranoid/OCD/whatever other untrue thing he wants to think instead of dealing with his family’s problem.
NTA. Ask your doctor what they think. I believe they will be on your side. And what are you waiting for? When your child gets sick or an infection – then he will agree with you?
How about a compromise. You can certainly ask them to baby proof the main room you will be visiting in and that would include cleaning it. Baby proofing houses is normal and they should understand. Husband should insist on this.
I’m surprised your husband isn’t backing you up on this, especially when he knows what state the house is in. My in-laws are the same; what makes it worse is they have their 12m grandson living with them and a dog. The FIL does clean but no one else does, when he was away for 7 weeks working abroad – well you can imagine the state the place was in, I don’t take my shoes off nor do I sit on anything.
Husband is fully aware of how downhill the house has gone since he moved in with me almost 5 years ago and we have agreed that there is no way in hell is our upcoming child going there.
For a health and safety aspect this is definitely the right hill to die on, if your little one gets sick I guarantee it will somehow be blamed on you and not them.
Being obsessively clean can result in a child having a weaker immune system, so things that you feel need to be done to keep your baby “safe” may actually not be helping baby to develop a strong immune system. But of course you concerns with regard to baby crawling on a filthy floor are correct. There is a simple answer. Carry a blanket and buy a foldable wooden playpen . Put the blanket down and erect the playpen. Drop toys in with baby and there you have a safe area!
NTA
This is a risk. Your husband is wrong. Do not bring a baby to this house.
Nope!
FaceTime exists. Don’t waste your time trying to educate folks who have already made it clear as day they’re not interested in your opinion.
FaceTime, or meet at a restaurant in the middle. Period.