I have a friend who’s not doing the best financially so I usually help out with stuff like groceries etc. for him. We also used to date too but we’re still friends. He’s dating another guy who does nothing to help, which is where I usually come in. I shouldn’t be complaining because I usually offer to help and he never says no. I just want to spend time with him and apparently this is the only way we can.
Lately he’s been needing to get some dental work done. He had a filling and cleaning done before that I had to pay for. Now he needs to go for some actual dental work, something about the roots. It’s gonna cost 4k. I told him I would pay for it for him a few months ago when he found out, but recently his attitude towards me has changed. He’s been spending more time with his boyfriend which I really don’t have a problem with other than how much he complains about him being a narcissist and a porn addict. He’s also been blowing me off to hang out with the aforementioned boyfriend. Again, I get it; these two guys are dating. But cmon, don’t be telling me that you’re sick and can’t hang and then go to your boyfriend’s. My friend treats me like a variable, like I’m only relevant when he wants me to be and it kinda hurts.
The other week, I brought up the idea to him that his boyfriend could possibly help pay for part of the dental bills, or at least pay off the old ones I’m still paying for. He lost his mind. “Keep your name out of his mouth; this has nothing to do with him; he’s broke and works nights, he can’t doordash or donate plasma” he says as I’m literally selling my plasma and taking surveys online to help pay for his dental work.
Honestly, he’s been becoming a worse friend the past few months and I’m seriously considering just throwing my hands up, saying “fuck this”, and leaving. I know he’ll call me an asshole for bailing on paying for his dental stuff which I’m expecting, but I’m just curious if what I’m doing is something many others would do in a similar situation. Would they recall how poorly they’re being treated and rescind their offer to help, or would they remember their obligation and stick through it, regardless of how they’re being treated?
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I have a friend who’s not doing the best financially so I usually help out with stuff like groceries etc. for him. We also used to date too but we’re still friends. He’s dating another guy who does nothing to help, which is where I usually come in. I shouldn’t be complaining because I usually offer to help and he never says no. I just want to spend time with him and apparently this is the only way we can.
Lately he’s been needing to get some dental work done. He had a filling and cleaning done before that I had to pay for. Now he needs to go for some actual dental work, something about the roots. It’s gonna cost 4k. I told him I would pay for it for him a few months ago when he found out, but recently his attitude towards me has changed. He’s been spending more time with his boyfriend which I really don’t have a problem with other than how much he complains about him being a narcissist and a porn addict. He’s also been blowing me off to hang out with the aforementioned boyfriend. Again, I get it; these two guys are dating. But cmon, don’t be telling me that you’re sick and can’t hang and then go to your boyfriend’s. My friend treats me like a variable, like I’m only relevant when he wants me to be and it kinda hurts.
The other week, I brought up the idea to him that his boyfriend could possibly help pay for part of the dental bills, or at least pay off the old ones I’m still paying for. He lost his mind. “Keep your name out of his mouth; this has nothing to do with him; he’s broke and works nights, he can’t doordash or donate plasma” he says as I’m literally selling my plasma and taking surveys online to help pay for his dental work.
Honestly, he’s been becoming a worse friend the past few months and I’m seriously considering just throwing my hands up, saying “fuck this”, and leaving. I know he’ll call me an asshole for bailing on paying for his dental stuff which I’m expecting, but I’m just curious if what I’m doing is something many others would do in a similar situation. Would they recall how poorly they’re being treated and rescind their offer to help, or would they remember their obligation and stick through it, regardless of how they’re being treated?
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> I think I will be an asshole if I rescind my offer to pay for my friend’s dental work
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Uhm no, NTA it doesn’t sound like you can afford to help to begin with if you’re going as far as donating plasma to do so. Also that’s not a friend it’s a leech, cut contact.
> he says as I’m literally selling my plasma and taking surveys online to help pay for his dental work.
He isn’t your husband, father, brother or son. You shouldn’t go to these lengths to support him, especially when he treats you poorly. It would be one thing if you had the money to spare but you don’t.
This honestly seems to be crossing into mental illness territory. Get help from someone who isn’t reddit.
ETA: NTA for rescinding. You should never have offered to do yourself physical harm to pay for someone’s dental work and he shouldn’t have accepted.
You know the answer before I even say it …
He is obviously using you and you even know it. Please just walk away, let him fix his teeth with his own money.
I would never treat a friend the way he is treating you, you have NO obligation here. NTA for saying the Buck ( literally) stops here.
Obviously YNTA but you need to stop enabling him. You could tell him something came up for you financially that now it isn’t feasible for you to pay anymore, which sounds kind of true anyway.
Worst case he hates you and stops being your friend, and it seems like things were headed that way anyway. You’ve clearly already given a lot, it’s okay to stop
NTA. He isn’t your friend. He is just using you. Save your money and find better people. Tell him you are no longer able to help financially. Best to you OP!
NTA
But you’re being one to yourself. Why are you paying for dental work for someone who doesn’t seem to want any sort of relationship (friend or otherwise) with you. To keep offering sounds desperate.
You seem like a kind and generous person, treat yourself as treat others.
And contact with this guy, he’s just a user. You deserve better.
Y T A to yourself. He is not your friend, he is using you.
Why have you been being an AH to yourself paying for someone who clearly doesn’t care about you?
ESH. It kinda sounds like you’ve been paying for his bills so you can try and “win” him back, which is not cool. He is TA for taking advantage of your friendship and you are TA for 1) acting like paying for his shit will get y’all back together and 2) offering to pay a bill when you don’t have the money.
NTA, but you’re not his friend, you’re his ATM. Normally it’s not a good look to promise to pay for something and then back out, but in this case, I’d say it’s totally warranted. He can’t treat you like trash and then get mad when you decide not to pay his medical bills. If I were you, I would cut him off completely, and that includes any ‘friendship’.
You are abusing yourself.
Cut him off. He is literally using you; he does not care about you except what you can do for him
his is the epitome of sitting yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm.
Let his teeth rot to match his judgement and his attitude.
Take care of yourself and walk away.
NTA – But seriously. What are you doing? I have friends that I’d help out in a pinch, but $4k worth of dental work? Nope.
Good golly, I hope this is rage bait. And how much plasma are you selling? That’s a lot of money.
NTA, except to yourself. If you are selling plasma to help pay for his dental work, you cannot afford to help him, and it does not sound like he values you or your friendship. If you feel like offering to chip in some finite amount that you can actually afford–without selling plasma and without compromising your ability to pay for your food, housing, medical care, and other needs– it would be very generous of you to offer that amount if he’s able to come up with the rest/if he is willing go into debt for the rest, but you certainly do not have to. Don’t give him more than you can comfortably afford– this isn’t an emergency that will kill him immediately if it isn’t done, and he does have other people he can ask to help, but he won’t. He won’t even ask his boyfriend for any amount, but he’s comfortable taking it all from you knowing you are selling plasma to afford it. Is he selling plasma to put toward his own bills?
Has he looked into having the work done at a dental school clinic or other low-cost/sliding scale options? Has he looked into options like CareCredit other low-to-0% interest credit cards specifically for medical bills? It’s of course not the best option, and it sucks that this country puts people in this position, but it’s a lot better than you having to sell plasma to pay his bills while he ditches you and yells at you if you dare to mention asking his boyfriend to chip in.