At 17, we moved to the West coast. I was obviously dejected and horrified because my entire life was on the east coast. However, I thought once I graduated highschool I would just apply to the colleges I actually wanted to go to (Howard, CAU, Spellman) and could find my way back home.
Except my mother basically refused to fill out the FASFA if I didn’t apply exclusively to schools near the state she moved us to. Which would have ruined my life, given that we had a negative 1500 SAI, she had six dependents, food stamps, section 8. Looking at us, you wouldn’t know a day in your life we were poor, but inside the house my mother was literally using my checks from my first minimum wage jobs to contribute to utilities and food. the only reason we were even still able to live in that house is because my payout from my first job shutting down was able to cover the rent payment we almost got evicted for.
I fell in love with a school in Texas and she filled out fasfa. That kind of dependency on someone else drove me insane. I am hyper independent, and I’ve known my entire life that needing other people in any genuine capacity is unsafe. The whole fasfa game killed me.
My mother is abusive, my father is her enabler, so when push finally came to shove, I moved out the day after I graduated. I moved back to the East coast. I’m dating the boyfriend I left behind last time, I’m living with my best friend and her family I’ve known since sixth grade, my friend group is the strongest it’s ever been.
The other school I got into is in Philadelphia which I originally didn’t apply to, but they kept extending and extending and it felt like a sign. I applied secretly and now that I’m back here, in Maryland, it’s only an hour away. They’re still taking housing deposits, enrollments, ect. I basically have to give them 450 dollars to commit and get housing. They’re giving me so much aid, I’m closer to my hand crafted family, and I just get a clean slate.
My boyfriend is offering to pay the enrollment if it means I’ll go to the Philadelphia school but I’m refusing to take the money from him. Not because I think he’s trying to trap me or I’m ungrateful. But because this is the dependency I KNOW is unsafe because it’s consistently always been UNSAFE. Needing people has historically been bad for me. If he needed it,I swear I’d find a way to get it for him a hundred times. I don’t care about GIVING money because obviously I know what it’s like to not have it. It’s the fact of him being my only option AND it being 500$.
I’m probably going to get a waiver, but if I don’t then I’m adamant I’m going to the Texas school where I already got set up with housing, orientation, ect
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At 17, we moved to the West coast. I was obviously dejected and horrified because my entire life was on the east coast. However, I thought once I graduated highschool I would just apply to the colleges I actually wanted to go to (Howard, CAU, Spellman) and could find my way back home.
Except my mother basically refused to fill out the FASFA if I didn’t apply exclusively to schools near the state she moved us to. Which would have ruined my life, given that we had a negative 1500 SAI, she had six dependents, food stamps, section 8. Looking at us, you wouldn’t know a day in your life we were poor, but inside the house my mother was literally using my checks from my first minimum wage jobs to contribute to utilities and food. the only reason we were even still able to live in that house is because my payout from my first job shutting down was able to cover the rent payment we almost got evicted for.
I fell in love with a school in Texas and she filled out fasfa. That kind of dependency on someone else drove me insane. I am hyper independent, and I’ve known my entire life that needing other people in any genuine capacity is unsafe. The whole fasfa game killed me.
My mother is abusive, my father is her enabler, so when push finally came to shove, I moved out the day after I graduated. I moved back to the East coast. I’m dating the boyfriend I left behind last time, I’m living with my best friend and her family I’ve known since sixth grade, my friend group is the strongest it’s ever been.
The other school I got into is in Philadelphia which I originally didn’t apply to, but they kept extending and extending and it felt like a sign. I applied secretly and now that I’m back here, in Maryland, it’s only an hour away. They’re still taking housing deposits, enrollments, ect. I basically have to give them 450 dollars to commit and get housing. They’re giving me so much aid, I’m closer to my hand crafted family, and I just get a clean slate.
My boyfriend is offering to pay the enrollment if it means I’ll go to the Philadelphia school but I’m refusing to take the money from him. Not because I think he’s trying to trap me or I’m ungrateful. But because this is the dependency I KNOW is unsafe because it’s consistently always been UNSAFE. Needing people has historically been bad for me. If he needed it,I swear I’d find a way to get it for him a hundred times. I don’t care about GIVING money because obviously I know what it’s like to not have it. It’s the fact of him being my only option AND it being 500$.
I’ve already emailed the Philly school for a fee waiver. It’s the weekend, so I’ll call Monday if I don’t hear back. But I’m steadfast that if I don’t get it I’m not going, and I’m getting bad reaction from all but one.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to accept $500 from my boyfriend to pay my college enrollment deposit, even though he offered multiple times and could easily afford it. Now he’s upset, and people around me are saying I’m being prideful and stupid for not taking help when I need it. I might be the asshole because I’m letting my issues possibly derail my entire life
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You’re not the asshole. Wanting to stay independent is totally fair, especially given your past. Keep trying for the waiver you deserve to be in control of your future.
NAH, it might make you feel better to realize that he gets something he wants, you being closer, out of the deal as well.
NAH
> the dependency I KNOW is unsafe because it’s consistently always been UNSAFE. Needing people has historically been bad for me.
But get some therapy, please.
NAH
Tactfully declining gifts is socially acceptable and I don’t see anyone reason why this would be considered asshole behavior. Your reason for not declining is not logically coherent and reveals you are hyper-individualistic to the point of it being a flaw, but that is not really “asshole” more just something to work on.
Regardless, you would likely qualify for an application fee waiver, so this is a moot point.
If staying on the east coast makes you happy and you have a healthy relationship with your boyfriend then take the help. Work to pay him back and continue to work as a team. If you see a future with him, there will be plenty of times you’ll have to lean on each other. One team one fight. My wife are on 15 years now. When we were younger she depended on me a lot. Mid way through I leaned on her. Now we contribute together equally. We are a team.
NAH I understand the reasons you won’t take the money and I don’t think not taking it makes you TA however if you can maybe be a little flexible on what is being proposed here you may end up in a healthier position and I mean this quite literally (less stress and anxiety, improved mental health). What I mean by flexible is, maybe don’t take the money as a gift but take it as a loan and you can repay him once you get your first pay from whatever job you end up doing in Philadelphia. From what you’re saying I think you’d hate being in someone’s debt just as much as you’d hate receiving the money as a gift so I understand if you don’t think that this would be a good compromise.
NAH overall, but if the PA school is better for you overall than the TX school, Y WBTA to yourself if you don’t take it. That’s not dependency, it’s accepting love from those around you who want you to succeed and have a supportive environment. Remember, you can always pay him back when you have the money if it will make you feel better.
NAH. No one does anything on their own. Everyone needs help every once in a while. Accepting help is ok.
NAH but maybe YTA to yourself if you truly give up the school you want to go to for this reason. If you can get a waiver, great. But if not take the help. You can always pay him back if that makes you feel better about it.
NAH. You could borrow the $500 from your boyfriend and pay it back as soon as possible. You’ll spend a whole lot more moving to Texas, especially if you think the west coast is so horrific.
Not being dependent upon others is a good stance to have. Taking a short-term loan from your boyfriend is no different than putting it on a credit card, just no or lower interest. Would it be different if it was a loan from your best friend and/or her parents?
Study hard. Learn lots. Save money. Learn about financial security, how to obtain it, maintain it, share the knowledge with others.
NAH, but don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. If the Philly school feels like a better fit and you have a good support system there, you can always accept the money as a temporary loan so you can secure your college placement and housing. That way when you pay him back you’ll have still done it all yourself.
There’s a big difference between relying on someone and accepting a little help when we need it. Trust me, it took me until I was in my 30s to finally realize that accepting help didn’t make me a failure.
> f he needed it,I swear I’d find a way to get it for him a hundred times. I don’t care about GIVING money because obviously I know what it’s like to not have it.
is he offering this money to you as a gift?
if he is trying to show you love in a way that you feel you want to show him, then i think you should accept it. i understand that the way you have grown up has taught you that it’s dangerous to need people. and in some ways, it’s not exactly untrue. but it’s also very dangerous to be completely alone in this world. the way to really keep yourself safe is to slowly build these trusting relationships, so that you and the people you love can mutually rely on each other without worry.
you have already spent years building this relationship. you would do this for him, no strings attached. if he has shown you nothing but love, then i think the way to honour that is to accept his gift.
but the most important thing is to follow your gut. if something is really telling you it’s a bad idea, maybe you’re picking up a vibe that’s really there that you can’t quite articulate. that’s ok too. you should look out for yourself. you are important.
NAH
NTA but I say take the money and set it aside for doing fun things with him
Watch the movie My Cousin Vinnie.
NTA.
>If he needed it,I swear I’d find a way to get it for him a hundred times.
Allow him to feel the same way, don’t block him off when he is asking to do this very thing for you. Tell him the you will only accept it as a loan, to be paid back, that is the adult and financially sound way to deal with the offer and remain self reliant/independent. There is no shame in accepting offers from your loved ones when they are made because they care for you and are trying to help.
NAH but you should maybe look into therapytefusing to let anyone help you, especially if it could benefit you, is unhealthy and self injurious.
Accept it as long as it’s a loan. That isn’t depending on anyone, it’s figuring out a way to move down your chosen path.
$500 is not a lot of money. Just use it if you don’t have it, and go to the school you want to go to.
NTA, but now that mom has filled out the FAFSA, you can add more schools.
This is actually pretty sweet.
From an outside perspective from me personally. The main thing just sounds like it is either money from person A or loan from company B if we are just comparing something similar for the $500. In the end the money from person A will always be cheaper, but there needs to be a real conversation on what is tied to the money. I mean how quickly will they want the money back or is it just an investment into your future because they see a future with you.
In the end NAH.
Extra informal I couldn’t fi:
It’s even weirder because my boyfriend and I have such different perspectives about money.
If my friend has money and I don’t? She’ll scan her card. If I’m on my last 20 dollars but everyone is going out to eat? I’m feeding me and still another friend. If I have it? I’m treating everyone that’s with me. They’ll do the same. That’s how my friend group works. One of us doesn’t have it, the rest pick up the slack, or we divide it, crowd source, we always figure it out. Paying it back is offered when it can be and always polite, but never required or expected. It’s community. It’s sliding the woman in front of you the extra five dollars she’s short on her groceries.
My boyfriend on the other hand has his best friend on a running debt (which I think is weird, but that’s not my dynamic, and I don’t have all the details about it and it works for them so I judge but I don’t judge harshly.) He rarely likes to spend money on people that aren’t me, but will spoil the fuck out of me under the role of us dating, grew up nicely middle class, ect. He admitted out of his mouth that he only ever really buys people things out for the sake of it if I’m around and it’s easier since he’s already paying for the two of us. His grandmother sold him his car for over a thousand dollars. Yk? Like he grew up without “handouts” so to speak.
It’s like that one tweet that’s like “poor people will say dw abt paying me back, rich people will say venmo me 2.75 for the sip of water your drank.”
So the fact that he offered me 500 dollars to him is like, i get that it’s very emotionally significant of him (now, because at the time I was just shocked) because there’s no one he’d do that for besides his own mother. He wouldn’t even loan his best friend cash for chipotle without “putting it on his debt.” But to me it’s not like the crowd sourced me and my friends against the world kind stranger.
It’s the whole this is emotionally significant to me because of trauma, and emotionally significant to you because of the fact that you genuinely never do this. I get no strings means no strings, but the emotional red string is right in front my face.
NAH. I’m sure he’s offering because he loves you and wants you to stay close while going to this school (which sounds like it’s your preference). I’ve also been where you are. Needing money but preferring not to just be given the money. The solution that worked is I accepted the money and paid what needed paid on time.
Before taking the money though we came up with a repayment plan because I accepted the money as a loan. We had a document that spelled out what each side would do, including the anticipated time of repayment. Then we signed. Not because it was legally binding (it wasn’t) but to ensure everyone read it, understood it, had a chance to ask questions, and could use it for reference in the future. Because it’s easy to forget or misremember your agreement a few months down the line.
So a middle option is to tell him you appreciate his willingness to help, and you’ll accept the money as a loan. Then go over when you anticipate being able to repay him.
You might also want to consider whether you need therapy to help cope with the abuse you’ve endured. Also look into your options for being declared an independent student for FAFSA/tax purposes. (Don’t let them claim you as a dependent on taxes if you can stop that).You have to recertify FAFSA yearly so it’s worth checking into unless this is your senior year/you’ll age out of needing your parents info. You might qualify for unusual circumstances. Check with your school’s financial aid department for information.
You need therapy, girl. Write a promissory note from your boyfriend and stop applying the abuser rules to every person you meet.
You quite literally are depending on an entire group of people to make your life work. $450 is nothing compared to living under someone’s roof. Why are you so willing to take unlimited non-monetary support and get all doom and gloom over $450? The amount of assistance you are getting from these people supporting you is many times larger than $450 and that doesn’t seem to worry you at all.
You need to work with a professional because you are making foolish, incongruent decisions based on past trauma.