Two years ago, my (21F) grandfather (92M) told me that he was going to give all of our family archives (family photos, letters from the wars, old drawings, etc.) to me. He figures that after he passes, I’ll just collect them from my grandmother (84F) and that’ll be the end of it. However, I know that the family will never let me have any of it. Not because I’ve done anything wrong in the family, but because of my father and his relationship with his estranged brother (65M).
My uncle has always been the jealous type that take things from others, not because he wants it, but simply because he doesn’t want others to have it. I won’t go into family details, but I’ve been estranged from my uncle for some time and my grandmother only tolerates me, so I am certain that I will never actually see any of these family archives after my grandfather passes. They’ll make sure of that.
Luckily, my grandfather has lended all of it to me to make digital copies of so I may always have a copy. However, I’ve discovered in the third bucket of archives some precious items. I can’t bear the thought of these precious heirlooms being so carelessly handed over to my uncles. The last time that my uncle was gifted a family heirloom, he gambled it away three days later.
The thought of my family’s history being lost to me forever is crushing, and especially these items which are so irreplaceable. My mom and fiancé have suggested to me that I take a few of the items (not all) that are irreplaceable. For example, I wouldn’t take the letters, I’d just photocopy them and return the originals. However, the war medals and soldiers pay books are things that I could take to ensure their survival and maintenance. I don’t think my grandfather would notice their absence (though my prospective theft would probably end our relationship).
Even though my mom and fiancé are adamant that it’s not theft because they’re meant to be mine eventually, I just can’t shake the feeling that it’s stealing. So Reddit, WIBTA if I took some of these items?
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Two years ago, my (21F) grandfather (92M) told me that he was going to give all of our family archives (family photos, letters from the wars, old drawings, etc.) to me. He figures that after he passes, I’ll just collect them from my grandmother (84F) and that’ll be the end of it. However, I know that the family will never let me have any of it. Not because I’ve done anything wrong in the family, but because of my father and his relationship with his estranged brother (65M).
My uncle has always been the jealous type that take things from others, not because he wants it, but simply because he doesn’t want others to have it. I won’t go into family details, but I’ve been estranged from my uncle for some time and my grandmother only tolerates me, so I am certain that I will never actually see any of these family archives after my grandfather passes. They’ll make sure of that.
Luckily, my grandfather has lended all of it to me to make digital copies of so I may always have a copy. However, I’ve discovered in the third bucket of archives some precious items. I can’t bear the thought of these precious heirlooms being so carelessly handed over to my uncles. The last time that my uncle was gifted a family heirloom, he gambled it away three days later.
The thought of my family’s history being lost to me forever is crushing, and especially these items which are so irreplaceable. My mom and fiancé have suggested to me that I take a few of the items (not all) that are irreplaceable. For example, I wouldn’t take the letters, I’d just photocopy them and return the originals. However, the war medals and soldiers pay books are things that I could take to ensure their survival and maintenance. I don’t think my grandfather would notice their absence (though my prospective theft would probably end our relationship).
Even though my mom and fiancé are adamant that it’s not theft because they’re meant to be mine eventually, I just can’t shake the feeling that it’s stealing. So Reddit, WIBTA if I took some of these items?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) The action is prospective, and it would be taking certain items out of the family heirlooms that I’m borrowing from my grandfather.
(2) Even though I was promised the heirlooms after my grandfather’s passing, my prospective decision to take them now breaks my end of the promise and means that I am, by definition, stealing the heirlooms themselves. It’s stealing, it’s deceit, and it very likely makes me the asshole, even for considering it theft. If the community here decides that I would be the asshole, then I fully accept that judgment and will not take the heirlooms. I will return them to my grandfather and accept that my actions, whether or not prospective, were in poor taste.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You should not give anything that is supposed to be going to you to anyone else. Honor your grandfather’s wishes. He knew what he was doing when he said he wanted you to have them.
Why don’t you sit down with your grandfather and help him organize a lock box of sorts of the items he wants to go to certain people. They can go into storage lockers so that the items he intended to go to certain people, will make it to them safely. Then you know you will be able to fulfill his wishes without sturing the pot. But if you hole heartily feel they are not safe then ask if you can keep them now. But it sounds like he’s given them to you for the reason to keep safe..
My answer is … NTAH
I understand the motive but you can’t act like these things are yours before he gives them to you.
Try talking to your grandfather and sharing your concerns with him and see if there’s an honest way to carry out his wishes.
YWBTA but why not ask if you can keep a hold of them? Some people can be awful when it comes to heirlooms and inheritance but if it’s gifted to you now, it’s done and if you get a no, you know the answer.
Keep them and delete this post.
NTA
DO IT!!!!!
INFO–Why wouldn’t you discuss your concerns with your grandfather? One-on-one, if you’re worried about your grandmother’s influence.
I think there are a lot of alternatives here to stealing the items. You could talk to your grandfather about your concerns, including the other instance(s) of your uncle’s untrustworthiness. If you don’t think he’d believe or be receptive to that conversation, you could point out the items you’re particularly concerned about, and ask about taking them to have them properly preserved/framed/appraised/put into a safety deposit box, etc. You could write up a full inventory of the items, and ask that he include it in his will, so that your relatives will have no grounds to separate the important pieces from the rest. Maybe both sign it and keep a copy, if you worry that your relatives will pull something shady with the documents.
I think you may regret breaking your grandfather’s trust, even if he never found out. Knowing that you have the items only because you stole from him may spoil them for you.
The simplest solution here is for him to put all of this in his will. Hopefully you still get to spend many more years with your grandfather, but the best thing any person can do in regards to dividing up their estate and determining who gets what in terms of personal possessions is to make out a will that specifies everything. Depending on your local jurisdiction, it might not even need to be a formal will that is prepared by an attorney. It can literally be a handwritten note on a piece of scratch paper or a typed and printed document. For best and most ironclad results, have him sign it in front of a notary or attorney who can attest to his mental competence.
I think YWNBTA for going about things the way you have planned, but I do think you’re just setting yourself up for potential family and legal problems in the future. Do yourself a solid and have your grandfather put it in writing or simply give you all of these things now.
Take what you can
Your grandfather wanted you to have them and then he gave them to you “on loan.” Just drag your feet forever on finishing the project and don’t give the pictures back.
If the war memorabilia is related to WWII, consider reaching out to the Eisenhower Center of the University of New Orleans—they collect oral history from veterans as well items from the war. My grandfather never spoke of his war experience but he wanted to tell someone and the historians at the Eisenhower Center recorded his testimony. He let me sit in and listen—it meant a lot to him to recount his war experience. After his passing, I was able to request a copy of his interview so that the rest of my family could hear him tell his story. Highly, highly recommend.
You will see from their website that they have a relationship with the National WWII Museum—this is the center that Dr. Stephen Ambrose founded. He went on to become the technical advisor to Saving Private Ryan and the talent attached to that film, including Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks, helped make the initial D-Day Museum a reality. It grew from there into the National WWII Museum. If you are ever in New Orleans, it is worth a full day’s visit. Ambrose’s Citizen Soldier is an excellent book.
https://www.uno.edu/academics/colaehd/la/history/research/eisenhower-center
NTA. Keep them. Either they’re in the will for you, and nobody can contradict it – or they’re not in the will and they don’t have a say in their disposition.
NTA. My cousin got a pencil written letter that described something historic — it should have gone to a library or archive. I had long wanted to transcribe it for future generations. When I asked to see it, he told me he had thrown it away!!!! My own mother threw away some prints that would be worth something now. Never apologize for protecting your family legacy.
Is your grandpa asking for the stuff back? Because I think he’s letting you have it now.
My great grandmother was always trying to give her belongings to my Mom and her cousins, who politely declined. When she passed away my great uncle kept everything and my Mom and her cousins regret not accepting the items because they now realize that g-grandma probably foresaw what was going to happen and was trying to give the trinkets to who she wanted to have them.
Shake the feeling and be pragmatic. NTA
My uncle was supposed to inherit his dad’s military items. Before he could collect a cousin swooped in and stole everything, angry she had been “excluded” (all grandchildren were not mentioned, their heirs were their children). Uncle negotiated and got much of it donated to a museum.
Just last week I found a plaque with a small piece of his uniform trousers going for $125 a pop. She actually sold bits to get her inheritance she felt owed.
Preserve and protect.
NTA
NTA. This is one of those tasks that you may consider taking your time in completing. I don’t want to sound harsh but, if you don’t complete the task before the time of your grandfather’s passing, it may resolve itself. If the other family members are unaware of your possession of the items, they will likely be forgotten by all of them. I agree with those saying that you should discuss this with your GF to make certain that his wishes for you to have these items is stated in his will. That is by far the best option. Try to respect his wishes but, don’t allow the family heirlooms to be lost.
If you want to make sure everyone has access to the materials (printed), make duplicates of everything and give a copy to every family member that wants them. This is upfront and allows you to protect the originals, I would not mention the medals or other physical items if they are not aware that you have them.