My husband (60m) and I (54f) have a disagreement. He says I’m not his mom and shouldn’t be nagging him about his lack of care in regards to his own health.
I have had minor temporary medical issues in the past (broken ankle, the flu, migraines), and he takes care of me each time, without judging me about the ailments. He goes over and above on my care. But all of my ailments are temporary. My ankle is healed, my flu is gone and migraines are managed with meds.
His ailments on the other hand, are chronic (degenerative lower back pain and irritable bowel syndrome, both untreated and unmanaged). We can’t go on trips. We can’t really go anywhere, because he’s constantly running for a bathroom several times per day to have diarrhea. We spent thousands to go to Asia and he was mostly in the hotel rooms, laid up because of his back or his bowels. (When we booked the trip one year earlier, he promised to get the ailments addressed and never did).
The other difference between us is that I go to the gym, take walks, eat healthy and take supplements, and just generally pay attention to what I need to do while aging (strength training, HRT, managing my menopause, etc.). He’s mostly a couch potato and declines my invitations to exercise together. Both of us have office jobs and both around 40 lbs. overweight, so it’s not like I’m a gym rat or something but aging comfortably is on my mind and I get all my dr appts done. He only sees a doctor when he’s in the ER.
I assume he expects me to take care of him no matter what (“in sickness and in health”). But I resent him for not investing in his future by taking care of his body, and I dread the possibility of taking care of an invalid.
WIBTA for just being completely honest, and telling my husband I won’t take care of him if he ends up disabled due to his own laziness and apathy?
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My husband (60m) and I (54f) have a disagreement. He says I’m not his mom and shouldn’t be nagging him about his lack of care in regards to his own health.
I have had minor temporary medical issues in the past (broken ankle, the flu, migraines), and he takes care of me each time, without judging me about the ailments. He goes over and above on my care. But all of my ailments are temporary. My ankle is healed, my flu is gone and migraines are managed with meds.
His ailments on the other hand, are chronic (degenerative lower back pain and irritable bowel syndrome, both untreated and unmanaged). We can’t go on trips. We can’t really go anywhere, because he’s constantly running for a bathroom several times per day to have diarrhea. We spent thousands to go to Asia and he was mostly in the hotel rooms, laid up because of his back or his bowels. (When we booked the trip one year earlier, he promised to get the ailments addressed and never did).
The other difference between us is that I go to the gym, take walks, eat healthy and take supplements, and just generally pay attention to what I need to do while aging (strength training, HRT, managing my menopause, etc.). He’s mostly a couch potato and declines my invitations to exercise together. Both of us have office jobs and both around 40 lbs. overweight, so it’s not like I’m a gym rat or something but aging comfortably is on my mind and I get all my dr appts done. He only sees a doctor when he’s in the ER.
I assume he expects me to take care of him no matter what (“in sickness and in health”). But I resent him for not investing in his future by taking care of his body, and I dread the possibility of taking care of an invalid.
WIBTA for just being completely honest, and telling my husband I won’t take care of him if he ends up disabled due to his own laziness and apathy?
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> (1) The action I took is considering telling my husband I won’t take care of him if he ends up disabled. (2) This action might make me the asshole because we vowed “in sickness and in health”.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
ESH. Both of you only care about your own wishes and not the other person.
I would bail on this. Not loving himself enough to deal with reality and fix his own issues is a huge buzz kill. I can’t imagine living around this attitude 24/7. It sounds like hell.
I mean, yeah, YWBTA if you stay with him knowing his behavior won’t change but also refusing to honor your marriage vow, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.
If that’s not something you’ll do, might as well end the relationship now.
Weren’t the vows “for better or worse, in sickness and in health”? YTA
YTA. He’s your husband.
I pray I never have a wife like you.
You need to get long term care insurance soon if possible.
EHS. Tell him but don’t expect change.
YTA you promised in sickness and in health
You could tell him that, but it won’t motivate him or make any sort of point when he does become too ill to be preventive.
My advice is to go for the low hanging fruit. Irritable bowel syndrome has root causes. I’d cook for him more, removing the opportunity for processed food, and get him a blood test for allergens and food sensitivity. Point out that he gets the diarrhea every time he eats x. It may just be a case of finding a male doctor he can respect and be honest with.
This is one of those things that takes consistent behavior to see change, but getting him to be aware of his symptoms rather than triggering him to be more adverse to helping himself will shoot you in the foot too. You know darn well you will take care of him so threats don’t get either of you anywhere. NAH.
Oooooft hard one.
It can be almost impossible to tell if someone’s not going for medical care because they’re afraid. Medical phobias and medical aversion really is a huge thing. But here’s the deal.
He’s not getting treatment for his mental health on the subject, and he’s not getting treatment for his physical health. You’ve told him several times that his refusal to manage his health is impacting on your life in a massive way and it hasn’t been enough to motivate change.
We can’t control what other people do. We can only control how we respond to it. IF he were actively trying to seek help and it wasn’t working? I’d 100% say Y TA.
But in this case his refusal to manage or even attempt to manage his health (both mental and physical) is something that you can’t manage for him. He has to want it for himself. And if he doesn’t want it for himself and he doesn’t want it for you either, he has to be responsible for his own outcomes.
How long to you sit and watch him slowly go downhill, while putting your entire life on hold, for a man who refuses to take the steps to ensure that you both are as healthy as you can be for each other.
NAH, but damn is it a horrible situation to have someone that you love literally wasting away health-wise and being capable to seek out mental health and medical care that’s available and simply… Not do it.
You’re not his keeper. You’re his partner. The only thing I can suggest is that instead of trying to attack the physical health issue, you move to focusing on getting him some mental health support so that he can even consider the other factors.
If he refuses… Well. You know your answer.
Edit to NAH: If he has a genuine mental health concern that’s preventing him from moving forward, that’s something that has to be addressed.
I think it’s asking a lot to expect you to care more about him than he cares for himself.
Hmmm, so I would say yes, you would be the AH for straight-up telling him you are unwilling to take care of him if he became disabled.
HOWEVER!
This doesn’t seem to be the issue that’s really affecting your relationship of whether he may or may not become disabled in the future, thats why you would be the AH for throwing that in his face.
You have already laid out why you are unhappy in the relationship due to mainly it being a lack of activities you can enjoy together, that don’t involve just sitting around.
So instead of telling him you won’t take care of him, you need to talk to him about how him not looking after his health is putting a strain on your relationship.
Remember, it is not about scoring points.
Q. How long have you been married?
Idk, I don’t think so. I’d word it differently.
I told my husband all the time back when he smoked that I wish he would quit for us. Bc I don’t want to lose him sooner than I had to.
I am trying to get in shape before 40 so I can continue to be healthy, or at least give myself a leg up. I get it.
Your husband is an object at rest, he’s going to stay at rest, most likely. You’re an object in motion. It’s what I say to myself when I’m unmotivated “ an object at rest stays at rest, an object in motion stays in motion.” I feel it really applies to our fitness and energy levels/ability.
I would tell him how it makes you feel. Maybe have him start saving for a nurse?
YWNBTA, but say it softer before you straight up say you won’t care for him.
What happened to “in sickness and in health”??
ESH, but mostly you.
I’m in my 60s. You have no idea how many women I know who are stuck taking care of men who accused them of nagging for trying to get them to do ordinary preventive care—and then ended up drooling in a wheelchair, absolutely preventably.
Lay the facts on him now. It’s not nagging, it’s not punitive, it’s just your own self-care. “In sickness” doesn’t include: in the case of self-destruction. Why should you spend your golden years chained to the bedside of someone who doesn’t care enough about you to take care of themself?
Slight YTA As you said, in sickness and health. You don’t know how life is going to turn out. You could easily be the one who needs more care in the future and you know your husband will take care of you. I think you’re being selfish.
I agree with you that he needs to see a doctor about his ailments. As someone on meds for Crohn’s disease, I can assure everyone that meds are better than shitting your pants on the daily.
Yes YWBTA.
You made the choice to marry him. You also can make the choice to leave him.
You don’t get to marry him then just refuse parts of being married you don’t like. He’s your husband.
If you’re not going to take care of him, you should divorce him so he still has time to find someone who will.
You would bta if you let him get to the point where he needs the care and won’t care for him.
YTA
You need to learn more about IBS, because you appear to lack any basic understanding of what it is and how it affects life.
There is no good treatment. The best we can do is undergo a terrible full elimination diet to identify possible triggers, which takes weeks and may or may not offer insight.
Should he exercise? Sure. It might help him now and it will certainly help him long term. But you don’t live in his body. You don’t feel things, like diarrhea starting from simple movements.
Try approaching him with compassion.
It seems that you are looking at this through just one lens, your own, and it comes off as very self centered. Instead of showing empathy and love, you probably come off as a nagging headache by trying to compare yourself to him. Degenerative Disk Disease is painful to a point where exercise only exacerbates the pain. There’s an old native American saying about walking a mile in a man’s moccasins before judging. If you simply don’t care anymore you’d be better off to leave now rather than waiting for him to decline further. You might even be doing him a favor.
YTA. You made a commitment. Stand by it. Or let your husband move on with someone that will give a shit about him. Because you clearly don’t. That whole for better or for worse bit only applies when it benefits you huh?
NTA
In sickness and in health means I will love you when you can’t take care of yourself. Not because you don’t take care if yourself.
Self-neglect is not sickness
Self-neglect is self-inflicted.
Seems like what you are really getting at is that this relationship right now isn’t working for you and the two of you should talk this through. You are instead making it a hypothetical future hurdle when really it is a now issue you want to push off.
YTA.
This sounds horrible. He says you’re nagging him and you say you resent him. You can’t change someone else’s behavior. They have to want it. So you have to make decisions based on that. Honestly, it doesn’t sound like you even like each other. I am trying to remember this is just 1 thing out of your relationship and maybe there’s 1000 other great things. I sure hope that’s the case. But resenting and nagging do not a healthy relationship make. I think YWBTA though because it’s just a shitty thing to say and bad view of your spouse. I know you feel like the end of the rope but you need to communicate in a better way.
You WNBTA but this is a double edged sword. What if you get dementia or cancer or something? Do you want him to take care of you? Because he would be perfectly justified saying no if you have told him this.
What if you, God forbid, are diagnosed with a chronic illness in the future?
I do see your point about his dismissive attitude towards his health but, ultimately, you chose the man you married and probably found his ‘macho’ attitude attractive when he was young and fit but now that you see the consequences of it, you’re pre-emptively making excuses to bail notwithstanding the fact he has honoured his vows and taken care of you when required.
YTA.
He sucks for appearing to not care about his future health.
NAH. You have a value in incompatibility. Find someone else who values their health and allow him to find someone who is okaying with taking care of him.
YTA jesus christ what’s the point of being married if you’re already planning on resenting him in the end? are you hoping he just dies before being disabled?
Start now by signing up and paying for long term care, and also have him set aside a sum each month to pay for a day nurse. Maybe he will have enough years left to have a hefty amount so you don’t have to be his only caregiver; he can pay for one or enter a facility because of his insurance you are getting asap.
YTA make him a Dr appointment and drive him there like a good spouse.
YTA. Leave him so he can find someone who actually love him and take care of him.
I think it’s really important that you get this clear. That you have a really good conversation and you even write it down in an email so that it’s there in case he forgets. That you tell him that you’re absolutely love him and care about him but that he is making choices that are going to end up causing him a great deal of trouble and they are preventable. Just like you managing your headaches. my migraines. That what is going to happen for him isn’t necessary but it’s absolutely predictable. It’s going to be a big mess. And you love him but you don’t wanna walk through that with him. Just because he isn’t bothering to take care of it. I would really consider Developing interest elsewhere. I’m serious. I was extremely devoted and took really good care of my husband at 40 years who did not take care and took Tylenol every day and enjoyed spraying pesticides on the soccer field and then developed a very difficult condition and died. And ended up being somebody very different than I thought he was which I only found out afterwards. I really regret spending my health on his health. And I’ve known clients and friends who have wonderful partners who are all men and don’t bother to take care of themselves and then they end up with a big disaster and they want the woman to bend her backwards and do stuff and I really admired the way that these women have loved and accepted their partners but not Done that. Let them deal. And usually they die. After living in denial for so many years. So think about this really carefully because it costs your health when you closely accompany someone who has been purposefully making poor irresponsible choices about their health for a long long long time. You really might want to tell him you don’t think this is going to go well and does he want to change how he handles it and if he doesn’t say that’s fine and you love him but you’re going to pursue your own interest and go often do things and you’re not going to slog along with him when the shit hits the fan. And I think that’s reallyOK. I think the idea of thick and thin used to fit a different way and now if someone is purposefully not taken care of I think that you are exempt.
This so tough but NTA. Accident or illness is one thing, but actively allowing yourself to fail like it sounds like he is, no thanks. Honestly it doesn’t sound like your lifestyles are super compatible. Has he been screened for depression? Chronic illness can cause depression.
Ok, you are over it. This thought didn’t just pop out of nowhere and I’m not going to judge you for that.
There are options beyond where you are currently at thought wise however, but they are hard when you are so far down the track where you are thinking of dropping mutual responsibility in marriage.
You can travel alone. You can live a more active,healthy lifestyle than what he does. Just as you can decide that your life path or life style has taken such different directions that they no longer look possible together.
You have the power and capability to make the decision on how you wish to live the 3rd stage of your life. That right never went away and no one can take it from you.
Those marriage vows? In sickness and in health? They do not over ride the other ones, like love and cherish – it is not cherishing nor loving towards your partner to let your body fall into ruin and leave them holding the bag. You have a responsibility to care for their future, and as part of a partnership that includes maintaining yourself.
I suggest you recognise that you are wandering into tricky waters and perhaps find some space to explore how you got here and what your options are. Counselling might be a good option. Having someone provide a sounding board to look at the whole box and dice might be helpful.
NTA. I have one that actively poisons himself daily. He watched his brother die from the same poison and go into care for 5 months before he died, too heavy to be moved without multiple people because of the acieties. Yet he gets as much into himself daily as he can manage and not be totally fall down. I don’t think actively not caring for or destroying your health as one ages is fair to one’s spouse and even more unfair to make them suffer the consequences.
Yeah, you would be. Wtf
On the one hand, “for better or worse, in sickness and in health”. But on the hand, you have a great point, which is that every adult needs to do right by their bodies to stay physically and mentally healthy. So I guess NAH
ESH.
Your frustration is valid. One of the unfortunate things about marriage is that we vow to love and care for the other person, even when they are making stupid, harmful choices.
The solution here isn’t to refuse to care for him. That way lies even more emotional separation and ultimately divorce.
Ask yourself: is my issue with this is how much this inconveniences me, or the fact our time together is being harmed by his actions?
Because if it’s an issue of your benefit, then there’s a simple solution: divorce.
If you want to make the marriage work, then you both need to work together. Withdrawing from the marriage doesn’t progress it anywhere. It might be less painful, but it just extends the status quo.
I think marriage counseling is in order. What does he want the marriage to be? What do you want the marriage to be? Is he willing to do the work to get there? Are you?
Does he understand how important this is to you? Does he still love you? Are there things he prioritises over you? Are there ways you can work together to to get somewhere better?
I feel this, because my own husband is in very poor health and I literally can’t take care of him anymore. He needs more care than I’m capable of providing. There does come a point where you can’t do it anymore. And his is completely self inflicted. Literally hid a health condition from me for 13 years. And I’m very, very close to walking away from it. There’s only so much one can take. I empathize, because I’m living it.
NTA because one look at the r/caregiversupport community will show you how caregiving destroys lives and ruins families.
Yes YTA. If it were the other way around i bet hed take care of you. Anyone can become disabled at any time. You could be hit by a bus tomorrow & be paralysed for life (for example)
If you truly loved him you wouldnt have conditions. This is ableist as hell.
What if he ends up disabled d/t a stroke? That could at least be partially due to his own actions (high cholesterol for example), or a heart attack? What about if you have a stroke? Would you expect him to care for you? Could you guarantee that it wasn’t caused at least in part by some of your own behaviors?
It sounds to me like you’ve sort of grown apart due to your different lifestyles and health values. Maybe you shouldn’t wait for him to become disabled, maybe you should leave now?
YTA
If you decide to remain married with him then yes, it’s in sickness and in health. If you dislike him to the point that you don’t feel the desire to take care of him, maybe there are deeper issues to address in your marriage.
YWBTA if you stayed knowing that both of your attitudes won’t change.
For your own well-being leave now. Otherwise, in the future you will be the terrible wife who leaves her sick husband.
Start travelling and enjoying your life now, it may even motivate him to change.
My mom left her boyfriend of ten years for his drinking, unmanaged diabetes and hypertension because she refused to be taking care of him while he’s neglecting his health.
invalid is an ugly word to use. if you truly love someone, it really is in sickness and in health. you think going to the gym more will cure his IBS? this whole post feels really insensitive. dealing with chronic illness is more painful and long term than a migraine or a cold, so of course he is having a harder time than you. if you randomly became disabled, which could happen to anyone at any time, wouldn’t you want his love and support?
I told my partner that he needed to take his preventative healthcare more seriously if he wanted us to stay together. I will help a partner through things they can’t control but will not care for something he should have managed but did not. NTA. Travel without your partner. You have one life. Don’t throw good away after bad.
I told my smoker husband that if he got cancer, I was not gonna take care of him. Well, when , at 72. He got pancreatic cancer, I ended up taking care of him. Que sera sera.
What happens if you tell him and then something happens to you that isn’t temporary? Idk. I think I’d be asking for a divorce if I were in your shoes and truly felt that way. But it’s like you’re just becoming more and more resentful of the restrictions. This feels like lashing out. If you don’t want to divorce then you may need to take charge and make his appointments.
NTA but definitely be gentle with how you word this. Citing his “laziness and apathy” will not be productive, only hurtful. I’d approach it from the angle of wanting to live a good life together for as long as possible and how that doesn’t seem like a likely scenario if he’s not taking responsibility for his health. And that you love him and will always support him as best you can, but it’s not fair to expect you to trade your life for taking care of his. You can’t help people that won’t help themselves.
INFO – what are you going to do if he becomes disabled? Leave him? Are you going to stay resentful of him for the rest of your life because he won’t look after himself, or take steps to improve your own life by leaving him now?
NAH “in sickness and in health” means not only that you will be there for them when the unforeseen and terrible happens, but it also means that you will both do your best to be preventative about that whole process. At 60, he should be seeing doctors regularly. Is he sure it’s IBS? So many questions should be answered and you feel like he does not care enough about hanging around with you in the long run. You see your health as caring for both of you, and you see him not giving a sht if he lives or dies. How can he say he loves you if he does not care if he is around to do so? Guess what – I’ve had this convo. And it hurts. Time for couples counseling because you both have fears about the future and you are not communicating well at all. Love comes out as anger. Concern comes out as nagging. Get a therapist who specializes in healing this type of communication. Good luck.
NTA. He’s neglecting his health and has the expectation that you’ll be responsible for the consequences of his neglect. This is all too common of a dynamic to ignore.
YTA. My partner has the same issues and while I understand why you may feel afraid of being limited or restricted, or the responsibility of taking care of him…think about how restricting and limiting it is for him. My partner tries to work out and it makes their issues WORSE. Same with trying to eat better – nearly everything causes some kind of flare anyway. Not only is it isolating for him to deal with that, but they also carry the guilt of having their partners deal with that, too.
You don’t have empathy for how depressing his lower back pain and IBS are every single day for him. Going to specialists probably won’t even make a difference for those 2 issues. Have a heart.
communication is a major thing in relationships that’s SO important. you did make vows, you did say in sickness and in health. and he takes care of you when you’re sick and ill? yeah you would be the asshole. voice your concerns but don’t sit there and judge him. i have depression, anxiety, and adhd so it’s hard for me to get myself to do important things sometimes, so if someone knew and loved me enough to tell me that they were concerned, i would appreciate it and look into ways to better myself. everyone’s different but i wouldn’t sit there and just watch him do this to himself
Anyone who is calling you an asshole is wild, you may be a soft asshole but I think you have good intentions. I’ve got IBS (possibly misdiagnosed and may have IBD) and I manage it. He needs to see a professional, possibly do a fodmap diet, learn more about his trigger foods, use supplements to support his gut health. He obviously isn’t doing any of this because he can’t literally leave the hotel. I also have a form of arthritis that leaves me in pain and inflamed, I’m managing this with medication and exercise, I can still walk 10k steps while traveling in Japan. This man needs to stop feeling sorry for himself, see a professional and get his life back on track. I couldn’t live or travel with a man who has such disregard for his health.
These kinds of differences in priorities and lifestyle should really be worked out before getting married.
I would rather be the caretaker for my husband every day for the rest of my life than live without him. He had major surgeries while we were dating, and I was by his side through it all.
ESH – If you want to travel, why not travel alone or with friends?
Is your resentment tied to him “not wanting to help himself”. If he was seeking treatment, but he was still physically in the same place because they are difficult conditions to treat, would you feel differently about it?
Its hard to predict the future, any of us can become disabled. I think you should focus more on what is making you unhappy right now, and talk with your husband about whether that it is a fixable situation you can work through.
ESH. You’re both being the AH, you for not living up to the in sickness and in health thing, and him for neglecting himself. Just get divorced.