I’ll start off with saying… our marriage is great. We have been married for 5 years. Now I’m 25 and he’s 27. We have a 3 year old. We both contribute equally with parenting, finances and house work.
But I’m so unsatisfied with our sex life.
I’ve tried to communicate to him many times about this. Especially just after we got married and he suddenly wasn’t as interested in sex anymore. We went from being intimate almost every day before marriage to not having sex for a week after the wedding.
It went from once a week to once a month after I had our child, by his decision, and I got even more frustrated.
But the thing is, anytime I try to communicate anything about sex to him… he completely shuts down the conversation!
I just got used to it, telling myself I’m being too lustful anyway. But now my husband doesn’t put much energy into sex anymore.
If he wants to have sex, he just pulls down his pants and expects me to take action. We’ll go until he’s satisfied, usually it only takes a minute or two, then he’s done and walks away completely.
Doesn’t care if I’m satisfied, doesn’t check up on me after, he just lays around on his phone after.
Our 5 year anniversary just passed and we had the most lame sex ever and when I tried to communicate that I’m unsatisfied, he just told me to rub one out by myself in the bathroom.
Something snapped and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I’m not attracted to him sexually now and any physical touch from him repulses me.
WIBTA for wanting to leave over this?
Comments
NTA. Sexual compatability is important and your hubby sounds like he dgaf. Life is too short to put up with other people’s bullshit.
I don’t have any experience here but I know a couple females in this situation and it never gets better. I’d ask him to go to therapy to see what’s going on. There may be another issue here. But otherwise NTA and I’d move on.
Will be interesting to see the answers here in comparison…
NTA
When sex goes, so should you.
When women withhold sex, men should go.
Same here.
no, tbh sounds like he has been unsatisfied for even longer than you. this is for the best
NTA. Absolutely leave him. He sounds like a jerk who has no to little respect for you and your needs.
Make the jump, life is to short not being happy.
Your marriage is not great. If your marriage was great, your partner would not be so dismissive of something that’s important to you. The fact that his sex drive changed immediately after the wedding suggests that he was deliberately deceiving you for some reason. I’d be very curious what that reason was. NTA.
Rule out a physical cause first…but if he continues…bye bye…
Ask him to go to therapy about it.
If he agrees. Great. You’re on a new journey with your spouse.
If he denies to defects, then divorce! He’s not willing to change.
Sex is important, but that spark can fade. A therapist can help you reignite the spark, or help you process that the spark is dead and it’s time to move on.
How about a little therapy for you both before throwing in the towel
He might have a porn addiction. That’s just a guess but in my past marriage and in my current situation the sex dramatically dropped off after a handful of months when their porn addiction started getting worse. I’ve had porn addiction too personally (which I’ve gotten over on my own because I wanted to get better) but it’s never been so bad that I refused sex. Maybe it’s different because I’m a chick, but both the men I’ve had serious relationships with have never given up porn/cut back on their viewing, and the sex/emotional connection just kept going downhill. Again I’m not sure if that’s what’s going on here or it could be something else, just making an observation and commenting from my pov and the experiences I’ve had personally. Not making assumptions.
Yes, you would be. I don’t care what all these other sex obsessed losers say..
Breaking up your family over sex? Yes you’d be a huge asshole. Maybe try something like suggest ENM, it’ll either trigger him into paying more attention or he’ll agree and you’ll be able to have another sexual partner. But breaking up your family over sex, giving your child a split family, makes you even more selfish that him.
NTA but a tough call to make! I understand exactly how you feel…shoes on the other foot thought, my wife absolutely try’s never, and when I do I’m just being a pervert. So I understand and it’s tough. Especially when you crave that affection of the one who you decided to spend your life with. But what ever you do do not do it lightly and make sure it can’t be fixed and it’s 💯 what you want/need. Best of luck
NTA. This isn’t just about the sex. This is about his not caring at all if you’re unhappy. That will not only happen about this. That’s an attitude that will impact everything in your life. Honestly, he’s using you like an inanimate sex toy when he feels like it. How could that same person be trusted to safe gaurd your happiness for life?
YTA for marrying this guy in the first place and also you are obviously not telling important details.
Obviously not the asshole here.
Such an odd sub though , I posted something similar as a male from a now deleted account, and the answers were overwhelmingly that I was an asshole. Without any context, people surmised I wasn’t pitching in around the house she was tired, and I wasn’t recognizing her needs, I need to give her time, I didn’t understand menopause.
A few people believe in described my wanting for intimacy in my relationship to be just me “trying to get my dick wet”
Refreshing that the comments here seem to be much more nuanced
LEAVE before cheating starts making way too much sense for you. I overstayed in a decade long marriage for a decade due to this. If you think it is manageable now, it is because you cannot possibly know how damaging this can become over years. Been there done that
NTA. He doesn’t care about you. You’re far too young for a lifetime of this shit.
Nah, you wouldn’t be the asshole. You’ve tried to communicate and he’s just been straight-up dismissive. Sex isn’t everything, but feeling desired and respected is. If the spark’s gone and he won’t even try, it makes sense you’d be done.
It’s a communication issue, he is refusing to engage in a topic of importance to her which means it’s important to them. If she decides to leave it’s because the marriage failed on communication, the sex is the immediate symptom but something was bound to be a hurdle.
If they look at it from a communication issue then they might be able to forge a much stronger relationship. It simply means she has to communicate what the level of implications are: “I am considering leaving because of the lack of communication engagement.” We cannot collaborate if you don’t communicate and we cannot be successful raising a child if we don’t model the right behaviour.”
YWBTA. Which is more important, a loving family or a tingly vagina? Do you want what is best for your children, or a tingly vagina? Do you want to honor the vows and promises you made to the man you swore to love until death do you part, or do you want a tingly vagina?
Holy shit like seriously don’t be so goddam selfish.
Sex is extremely important in a relationship. If you’ve communicated and he didn’t try… it’s best to leave him because eventually you’ll become uninterested in sex completely..and by then the relationship is over
NTA. That sounds really frustrating. I am a marriage therapist and sex is a common issue for couples. It may help to bring in a professional, there may be something coming up for him that makes it hard for him to communicate about sex. You’re not an asshole for having and communicating needs. I hope yall can have a transparent conversation about it!
You are incompatible sexually and your husband actually seems pretty selfish. You need to call it qquits so you can both find someone that meets your needs.
NTA. He doesn’t care about your physical needs at all. He only cares about his needs.
If you stay, you will just get more of this, and five years of this was more than enough for a lifetime.
Does he have depression??
I can’t believe you have stayed this long with this attitude from him. NTA of you leave over this. You are too young to tolerate this.
“I’ll start off with saying… our marriage is great”.
No. No it’s not. If it were your partner would actually care about how you feel and not be dismissive. Y’all either need some counseling or to end it now.
You need to be compatible to stay married. Sometimes people change and are not compatible anymore. You just have to decide what’s best for you. As long as this is a thought through decision, you wont be the asshole.
<ahem> Your husband might just be gay. Just maybe. Could be. Possibly.
Just putting it out there (so to speak).
NTA
You should absolutely leave him.
He’s completely disregarding your needs and he doesn’t sound like he respects you.
Does he even like you?
NTA, I’m the higher sex drive in my relationship. My wife doesn’t really care for it but she’s put in the effort in our marriage because she knows how much it means to me and the importance of sexual compatibility. I would recommend therapy, maybe you suggesting this might help him realize how important this really is.
Buy yourself a toy, use it infront of him ask him to join in…if he doesn’t get that hint he can’t be fully invested…..good luck
Selfish lovers are really assholes. You deserve better.
Damn poor kid
Why do people get married so young? Yes there are exceptions, but it rarely works out
NTA. But chances are there’s something causing this like trauma, hormones or something you’d never think of. It’s up to you both to work through that if you want to. If not then it’s time to move on for both your sake.
NTA, might as well leave now instead of dragging it out. you’re not compatible. i’m disgusted by how you described your encounters, i cant imagine how you feel
I find it strange that a 27 yo man doesn’t want to have sex with his wife every day. Who is this God who puts women with no sex-drive with men with a high drive, and vice-versa. What a bad joke.
Nta. you need a marriage counselor, yesterday. worth trying to find out what his problem is since there is a small child involved.
Slightly the arsehole, only because you start off saying your marriage is great. If everything is so good, except for sex, then you would be able to work through that by communication and consideration for each other. So basically, your marriage isn’t that great as these things are intertwined.
Also, there are performance anxiety issues that porn and society has hugely amplified, that affect a lot of men.
People joke about premature ejaculation and how it’s a medical condition, but for most it’s psychological and the pressure to perform can get inside a man’s head – especially when expectations are high and experience is low.
Your man is probably super-embarrassed about everything and is trying to evade the subject. He may also feel upset and ashamed, and you are basically saying you’re going to leave him because he’s shit in bed.
There’s a misconception that men who finish first and aren’t up for it as often are being selfish. However, the likelihood is that they lack the experience and are not in the right place mentally due to external pressures.
Sex shouldn’t be about performance, and partners shouldn’t be responsible entirely for their partners’sexual satisfaction. It should be a shared, stress-free, yet exciting. Sometimes this comes naturally, sometimes it needs work. But pressuring someone to do better will usually have the opposite effect.
Ugh, I just shuddered at the idea of him just pulling down his pants when he’s “ready.” I would have left him ages ago.
Please set yourself free and find a loving and caring partner. Good luck!
Seek couples counseling! This is something that can be overcome with intentionality and guidance from a third-party.
Something more is going on here. Noone treats someone they love that way. He is not respecting you and your desires to connect sexually which is normal in marriage. Merely dropping his pants and using you to get off for a few minutes is what some men do when there is someone else in the picture. Especially with the sudden drop in desire for sex that never came back. Could he be cheating??
Just an FYI
Holy shit this guy sounds like an asshole. Clearly doesn’t respect your needs even when you blatantly tell him. He only cares about getting off and then completely ends sex after that? This is like a TV trope for “terrible partner.” NTA, and I finally get to be that random redditor saying LEAVE HIS ASS!
NTA. But he is, that’s no way for a man to treat his wife
No get out now
Check or r/deadbedrooms.
Since he just shuts down the conversation, he probably won’t be too into the idea of therapy. I can’t help but wonder if he is asexual. If he is, there’s a good chance that he feels too embarassed to admit it because he would be feeling like he’s “broken” possibly. After all, our society practically defines men by their sex drives! For a man to have very low or absent sex drive can be something that makes them feel defective. (I know a man who was not quite asexual but experienced this as I’m describing.) Could be porn or homosexuality or a paraphilia, too, but I lean toward asexuality here based on you not mentioning other relevant facts that would hint at them.)
I wonder what would happen if you told him bluntly that you’re going to start seeking sexual satisfaction outside of your marriage. I mean, if you’re willing to leave, it’s not like you’re taking much risk! If he wants to talk, then you can, but you could find yourself deciding to leave or seek your satisfaction elsewhere until the time to leave comes.
If you were satisfied before marriage and now you are not, you should see if he’s interested in couples therapy and if not, you should make him aware of your needs, wants and how you are feeling.
NTA. I wouldn’t say a great marriage involves one partner actively not giving a damn about the feelings of another.
NTA… but for the record, you are not describing a great marriage.
He doesn’t love or like you. There is no care and no respect.
Stop having sex with him.
Plan your exit.
Find peace and love.
NTA
NTA.
Honestly sounds like you guys are great house mates and parents.
That’s all you got to be for now.
Divorce him and so it swift.
Better now than to wait when your kid is older.
You deserve better and you did more than your fair share of communicating
You are only 25 hun. Leave and go start having amazing sex with men that will blow your mind. There are plenty of men willing and get off on seeing you get yours.
Because they are an awful band making awful songs.
Hell, no sex is important. You’re doing it how you’re supposed to. You could just be a pos and cheat. Shutting a convo down like that is unacceptable. Thats right up there with an ultimatum. If you tell him your gonna leave you better follow through, if you dont hes never gonna take you serious again.
Rub one out in the bathroom???
Did you ask him why he feels that way? That’s so unkind to say 💔
NTA. You’ve tried expressing your wants and needs and he doesn’t seem to care. Anyone would get tired of this over time. I would try talking again and see if it’s something he’s not willing to say (not attracted anymore, doesn’t feel like he’ll be enough, hormonal issues…etc.).
You’re 25 and having problems now. Are you willing to put up with this for the next 60 years of your life?
NTA. You’re unhappy. He does not seem to care. Just leave the marriage. This will not get better.
I had a friend who went through this in reverse. His wife stopped wanting sex. He would bring it up and she would dismiss it. He was not happy like you are in your marriage.
He kept trying to talk about it then she finally threatened divorce so he went and hired a lawyer then filed for divorce.
He is now way happier and hopeful he can find someone else who will treat him better and care about his happiness.
Calmly look for another alternative. Sex is the most important connection between two people.
Is he aware that it is getting to this point? Men don’t just stop wanting to have sex for no reason. They may not be able to describe why, but there is a reason
There’s no way he can care this little about you and still have this be a great marriage
All these people talking about asking HIM to go to therapy but completely gloss over the fact that she’s not physically attracted anymore and touch from him repulses her. Lmao I’m sorry but no amount of therapy is gonna fix that. Tell him you tried to talk to him but he refused to have a conversation and hand him the divorce papers. Fuck this dude, find someone that actually wants to fuck you and will actually get you off.
Honestly, It’s weird to me that he’s not interested in you that way. I would prob try one last time to communicate and then consider divorce.
“Rub one out in the bathroom” ???? That’s so weird and rude
Holy gender flip batman.
I will say the same to you as I do men in your situation.
What you are feeling is unsustainable, around the corner is resentment and/or cheating.
You need a serious conversation with your husband, if he shuts down and refuses to engage it would be worth saying this is the kind of issue that relationships end over. Let him know there are real stakes here.
If he still refuses any conversation, then I’m sorry op but it sounds like you are incompatible. It’s sad, but it’s OK, there doesn’t need to be a bad guy here.
NTA. But the “after I had our child, by his decision” is a messed-up thing. Get yourself a vibrator, therapy and a divorce. You may be a part of the problem.
NTA It’s not just about the sex but the utter disrespect for you. Ew www. There is no coming back from that.
I feel bad for you . It will most likely never resolve and you will be constantly feel frustrated I been there. Hopefully you can get him to change and be a man
He either has low Testosterone or is hiding a huge porn addiction….praying for you ♥️
Deal breaker, foooooo shooooooooo
I’m so sorry to hear that, it’s very frustrating. I was in a marriage that turned sexless, we once went 6 months without having sex and it was horrible. We ended up divorcing, and that was one of the reasons, but there were many reasons we got divorced.
With my ex, I would try to do anything to get her in the mood or anything. I would do her favors, so anything for her, massage her, basically if it included touching her, I did it. I was starved of affection and my self esteem and mood suffered so much. I got severely depressed and began to think that I was not attractive to her, and I even asked her that.
I hope you can talk to him and try to work something out or discuss the issues. My ex never wanted to discuss sex, and it was very frustrating. I hope you can salvage the marriage and sex life OP!
This is the nain reason I just disagree with the idea of marriage altogether. People change. I don’t think you’d BTA to leave if he refuses to listen.
Sex is an extremely important part of marriage. Has be given you a reason that his desire has tanked?
I recommend marriage counseling before calling it quits.
This is abuse. It’s a form of SA. Abuse isn’t always hitting or mean words. It can be financial or emotional.
I was married to this person for 20 years. I tried everything. I begged. I pleaded. I changed. Lost weight. Gained weight. Moved. Then I cheated. I’m not proud of it, but when you’ve not been touched by your partner in 15 years and another person steps in and just makes you feel WORTHY – the slope is slippery. By the time I cheated and, ultimately, got divorced – I had long mourned the loss of my marriage.
I’m sorry this is happening to you and my hope it can be fixed, but don’t waste 20 of your best years on a man who doesn’t appreciate you.
NTA. I got the ick just from reading this.