My bf (22M) and I (21F) have been together for over a year. I love him dearly and he generally makes me very happy. The only thing is, every time we go out we split every single bill. This happens whether we go out with his friends, if we’re cooking dinner together or he suggests a restaurant that he knows I can’t afford. I’m not someone who believes that a man should pay for everything in a relationship. I don’t make a lot of money, but if we get stuff like ice cream, go to an arcade or do a small activity I’ll pay for both of us. It’s a way that I show love and appreciation. It makes me sad that he can never do this for me, especially because he is extremely wealthy and spends a large amount of money on himself. Sometimes he will pay the bill and when I express my gratitude, he’ll follow up with “you can pay me back if you want”. That always makes me feel guilty and sad. I also always end up Venmoing him.
I don’t want to sound greedy, entitled or rude, but I wish that he could pay for me every now and then. The fact that he doesn’t makes me feel like I’m not worth his money. I don’t want to make him mad or ruin our relationship, but I’m loving, thoughtful and I think a pretty good girlfriend so it hurts that he doesn’t want to treat me.
Is this worth bringing up to him? Do I have an overidealized idea of how relationships should work? How can I talk to him about it without coming off as rude?
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My bf (22M) and I (21F) have been together for over a year. I love him dearly and he generally makes me very happy. The only thing is, every time we go out we split every single bill. This happens whether we go out with his friends, if we’re cooking dinner together or he suggests a restaurant that he knows I can’t afford. I’m not someone who believes that a man should pay for everything in a relationship. I don’t make a lot of money, but if we get stuff like ice cream, go to an arcade or do a small activity I’ll pay for both of us. It’s a way that I show love and appreciation. It makes me sad that he can never do this for me, especially because he is extremely wealthy and spends a large amount of money on himself. Sometimes he will pay the bill and when I express my gratitude, he’ll follow up with “you can pay me back if you want”. That always makes me feel guilty and sad. I also always end up Venmoing him.
I don’t want to sound greedy, entitled or rude, but I wish that he could pay for me every now and then. The fact that he doesn’t makes me feel like I’m not worth his money. I don’t want to make him mad or ruin our relationship, but I’m loving, thoughtful and I think a pretty good girlfriend so it hurts that he doesn’t want to treat me.
Is this worth bringing up to him? Do I have an overidealized idea of how relationships should work? How can I talk to him about it without coming off as rude?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to ask my bf why we won’t pay for things in our relationship. It could make me the asshole because asking someone for money comes off as entitled and greedy. My intentions are to feel loved and valued in our relationship, but I don’t want it to come off as demanding
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You’re dating a cheapskate. Why
NTA, he sucks and he’s stingy. Simple as.
NTA for talking to him about it. How? Well, this is someone you’ve been with for a year, and that you love. Just have a real conversation. Tell him what you told us. Hopefully he’ll really listen to you. Hopefully you’ll really listen to him. And hopefully it’ll lead to something better.
NTA, this is bothering you, you need to talk about it.
NTA – he’s a deadbeat and he will never change.
That’s not how any adult should act.
he’s not treating you like a girlfriend, he’s treating you like a cost.
you’d be shocked how generous a man gets when he actually wants to. (YWNBTA)
He’s definitely a cheapskate. My ex was like this. It never changed. You should talk to him if you want, but more than likely he will make you feel bad for how you feel.
NTA You need to have an adult conversation about this.
But please don’t gender role this. Don’t tell him he needs to pay for the whole thing is because he’s ‘the man’.
“I like to pay when I invite you to ice cream and stuff. I feel _______ when you invite/suggest a place to go and split the bill __________.”
Honestly NTA but you could talk to him and if nothing changes or gets super defensive I think it’s best for you to find someone who doesn’t make you feel like a burden especially with money.
NTA if you ask him, but don’t be surprised when he tells you he isn’t going to pay for you.
Stop paying for him. When he says “you can pay me back if you want” say “I don’t want or intend to.” See how the expression in his face changes.
He’s using you. If you were to marry, you will always be in this situation. He doesn’t see you as a partner. He sees you as a financial drain.
You deserve better.
NTA but if you can’t talk about this stuff to a partner, you shouldn’t be in a relationship. You have to be able to talk through differences and advocate for yourself.
If you’re not sure what to say, you could start with letting him know that when he invites you to places like X and Y, they are outside of your budget and you’ll no longer be able to go.
Also, you’d like to trying having the “inviter” pay for the date. If you plan a hike and a pub dinner, you’ll pay and if he plans pizza and put out golf, he pays. If he’s not amenable to that, you may be incompatible.
He’s stingy and sees you as less than. Imagine having a child with this man. He would expect you to use your savings to “pay your half of the bills” while you were on maternity leave. Girl, run.
Definitely NTA. I was in a very similar situation when I was your age. My bf and I had no money but I would occasionally pay for things and he never did. He also never even said thank you when I picked up the check. Back then I felt too guilty and self-conscious about it but I wish I had addressed it. He was a pretty oblivious guy and I don’t even think he was doing it consciously.
NTA at all. Wealth disparity is hard to navigate in a relationship and needs to be discussed. Maybe he doesn’t quite understand. Its important to navigate it gently though.
I make decent money but my gf makes more than 3x my salary. She pays for most things and we live together in the house she bought and I only pay 1/4 of her mortgage and no utilities. She pays by default most times we go out and often tries to prevent me from paying even when I try, but sometimes she’ll let me order us food or something. We had extensive discussions about financial health before we got to this point and when she understood I was floating and saving like $150/mo and it was a huge success for me to pay my $650 car insurance premium in full to save $80 she took over a lot over.
You deserve better. Find a better one. Nta.
Next time he pays and says,” You can pay me back if you want to”, just lightly say, “nah, I got you last time at (insert time here).” Laugh it off. See how he reacts. If he takes it lightly and doesn’t say anything, try this again in the future. If he makes a big deal, then you know he is using you, which sucks cause you are broke and he isn’t. On top of that you could just have an honest conversation with him. It’s the more mature approach, but who wants mature? lol
NTA- but honey, from an older woman to a younger woman. He is playing with you. He’s not serious and is keeping you as a place holder just in case something better doesn’t come along. Make a clean break and look for a man who has the same values as you- including sharing the financial day to day things. It speaks volumes that when you say thank you he is not gracious and says “you’re welcome,” he says “you can pay me back.” He does not value you.
The wealthy are stingy af!
Do you ever tell him that something is out of your budget? It’s not fair to expect him to change something if he doesn’t even know it’s a problem.
And in terms of him making much more money, I would bring up the concept of splitting money proportionally based on your incomes rather than just 50/50
NTA. Maybe he’s just not that into you.
“you can pay me back if you want”
Give him a BJ occasionally and that’s all the payback he wants.
So he’s more than happy to allow you to pay for him, but he wants you to pay him back or go Dutch when the shoe is on the other foot.
Get rid of this guy. He is a bum.
🚩🚩🚩 don’t go 50/50 with this guy. As others have observed, he’s not invested in you, you’re a placeholder until he finds something he wants more
Would it be outrageous to have an honest conversation about it with him?
NTA
I can’t blame him sorry , this is how it should be
🤦♀️ stop paying for things if he doesnt reciprocate. 50/50 everytime for every activity. Problem solved. If he doesn’t like that well… there’s the door 🤷♀️
STOP VENMOING HIM. You are the problem.
When he pays for you, you should accept it just like when you buy him ice cream or arcade games, he accepts it.
You do not get upset when you’re choosing to send him money he didn’t necessarily ask for.
You need to put your foot down. If he asks you to go somewhere outside of your budget- tell him. People who have a lot of money and always have had a lot of money dont understand what its like to budget because you HAVE to budget. I also dont think relationship ‘love languages’ should be transactional… showing affection by buying someone something is weird. If you cant have this conversation- I am assuming he knows how much money you have- then you need to ask yourself why…
NTA but after a year this you need to think about if this is the type of partner you want
Honey, if he wants you, he’ll woo you. You are a place holder until something better comes along. No, you shouldn’t have to ask. NTA, but move on, he’s not the one. Believe his actions.
YWNBTA BUT….
His relationship with you sounds transactional. I wouldn’t fall too hard for him.
He knows he’s not paying his fair share and he’s taking advantage of you. You can talk to him about it but I think there is a good chance that if you do bring it up, he will call you a gold digger.
You are so young and have so much life ahead of you. This guy probably isn’t your person but learn from him what you like and don’t like so the next person you date, you have a better idea of where you want your relationship to go.
You need to stop doing things you can’t afford without having a clear conversation about it. This is absolutely on you. You aren’t an AH but you’re behaving like an idiot.
You need to be paying for yourself, not him, as the default. If you can’t afford it, or don’t want to afford it, don’t do it. He can pay for himself as the default. If he can’t afford it, or doesn’t want to afford it, don’t do it.
And have clear conversation about it. Tell him that you can’t afford to keep paying for things, and that you both need to pay for yourselves. See how he reacts, and whether it’s worth staying or going.
NTA but I would focus on how you feel when he asks you to pay him back. It’s not about the money but about your feelings. Those kind of conversations can be tough because you might not be on the same page but they are important to have. Learning how your partner thinks about things is very important in a relationship. Bring it up at a calm time and just say it’s been bugging you so you wanted to talk it out. Maybe look up love languages together to start a dialogue. Good luck!!
NTA. The person you’re with, guy or girl or whatever, should want to treat you to things. Whether it’s paying for an expensive dinner out or baking brownies from a $2 box mix, or just the gift of time to help you with something, true partners find happiness in giving of themselves to each other.
NTA
>It makes me sad that he can never do this for meNext time that he pays, say thanks, but don’t repay him.
But he can; not paying is a choice.
>
I wish that he could pay for me every now and then
Same comment. Ask yourself your why he doesn’t.
Next time that he pays, say thank you but don’t repay him. Stop feeling guilty. If bringing this up spoils the relationship then it wasn’t worth much.
I really don’t understand people like this. I get not wanting to date someone who just wants their money but if my partner made a lot less than me there is no way I would let them pay if it was my idea to go to an expensive restaurant. It’s fucking rude. OP, you are friends with benefits to him, well maybe a degree more. He will leave the second you want to get more serious. What will happen if you have kids with this guy? Will he make you split the cost? Will he try to make you a SAHM and then give you an allowance, or will you work and have to split everything down the middle? Before you get very serious, you may want to reevaluate your relationship. He may not be on the same page as you.
Hes a loser and doesn’t really care about you I’m sorry