WIBTA if I asked my husband to stop telling his mother about my family’s events and get-together’s?

r/

I’m not the biggest fan of my MIL. She is overbearing, controlling and passive aggressive. The past few family get-togethers on my side of the family she has attended – with no invitation. My husband tells her about said events and she’ll show up. Of course, my family would never shut her out; but the last time she was there, not only did she not contribute to anything, she also took a to-go plate for her and her other son, which was so rude and tacky to me.
She’ll make comments about how we do certain things and I know it annoys some of my family but they will not tell me directly out of respect, but they have told my mom who told me. Personally, I feel she is the type of person you simply cannot be around for a long time. I most definitely keep my distance. I don’t want her invading my family anymore. I mentioned this to a friend and she told me my MIL would be very hurt and offended. I’m honestly focused on peace and I don’t have that when she is around me. I don’t know many married people so I’m not sure if this is normal or not. The married couples I do know, their MILs/FILs don’t attend events of their spouse’s unless it’s something really big. I don’t want to hurt anyone but I also don’t want to be uncomfortable, either.

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    I’m not the biggest fan of my MIL. She is overbearing, controlling and passive aggressive. The past few family get-togethers on my side of the family she has attended – with no invitation. My husband tells her about said events and she’ll show up. Of course, my family would never shut her out; but the last time she was there, not only did she not contribute to anything, she also took a to-go plate for her and her other son, which was so rude and tacky to me.
    She’ll make comments about how we do certain things and I know it annoys some of my family but they will not tell me directly out of respect, but they have told my mom who told me. Personally, I feel she is the type of person you simply cannot be around for a long time. I most definitely keep my distance. I don’t want her invading my family anymore. I mentioned this to a friend and she told me my MIL would be very hurt and offended. I’m honestly focused on peace and I don’t have that when she is around me. I don’t know many married people so I’m not sure if this is normal or not. The married couples I do know, their MILs/FILs don’t attend events of their spouse’s unless it’s something really big. I don’t want to hurt anyone but I also don’t want to be uncomfortable, either.

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    > I’m thinking I may be the AO because I have the potential to hurt her feelings and possibly my husband by asking him to stop inviting his mother.

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  3. sfbakergirl Avatar

    Most people don’t attend events unless they are invited. Is your husband inviting her? I’d discuss with hubby. NTA

  4. becoming_maxine Avatar

    Info

    Are you sure your husband isn’t inviting his mother? Find out specifically if he is just talking about your family get togethers and she is inviting herself or if he’s telling her to come because its a family gathering and the more the merrier. Definitely share with him that her rude behavior is putting your family off and they would prefer she isn’t attending. It is preferred the events be more intimate with only your parent’s family and not their in-law’s extended family. As long as your in-laws are not inviting their extended families this might go over better then just saying he can’t talk about these events with his mother. If he talks to her a lot I expect he will slip up and if he understands that it isn’t just you that doesn’t want her there it might go over better.

  5. pottersquash Avatar

    My bad I didn’t read the head question.

    ESH.

    You and your husband are gaslighting this poor lady!

    Either stop telling her about events you don’t want her coming or atleast be more gracious of the guess y’all are clearly inviting.

    >The past few family get-togethers on my side of the family she has attended – with no invitation. My husband tells her about said events and she’ll show up.

    Let’s be adults an acknowledge your husband is inviting her. I don’t care circumstances. Your telling someone the time and location of an event, after the last time you did this I showed up. Y’all are inviting her. Lets live in reality.

  6. Ok-Adhesiveness-692 Avatar

    You got a husband problem.

  7. New-Comment2668 Avatar

    NTA. This is absolutely not normal. You have a two-fold problem here: a husband who can’t keep his mouth shut and a MIL who is crude, crass and tacky. The only way to solve this problem is to have a long chat with your husband and tell him to STOP telling his mother all your plans. Remind him that these are family get-together’s for your side of the family, not his.

  8. Celestial_Echo407510 Avatar

    NTA. Sounds like there’s some things that need to be cleared up. Knowing about an event and being invited are not the same thing. It’d be best to address this with your husband because I’m not sure how he’s communicating with her and if he’s telling her about the events in a way that implies that she’s invited or welcome, then that needs to change. If it needs to be addressed further with the MIL, it’s on your husband to be the one to communicate with her. Or at least that’s my rule of thumb. The adult child is the one that facilitates communication/mediation rather than make the spouse have to confront the in-law and potentially rupture the relationship. It’s usually a bit easier for the adult child to do it since they know their parent better and what they’d be most receptive to in terms of addressing things.

  9. NoHorseNoMustache Avatar

    NTA, as a couple others have said, this is a husband problem. Talk to your husband about your feelings.

  10. dora_teh_explorah Avatar

    Hello! You have a husband problem, not a MIL problem. 

    There’s a thing used by folks who have difficult / invasive family members, called an “information diet” – you limit the amount of info you share with these family members, to maintain your own peace of mind. 

    Unfortunately, even looking at this very small amount of context you’ve provided, I’m willing to bet that your husband will not be willing to establish boundaries with his mother. Ergo, this is a problem that lies with your husband and how he handles your MIL.

    All you can do is tell him his mother’s presence is not appreciated at your family events, and tell him to stop telling her about them. I’m willing to bet he’ll push back and argue, because they’re codependent. Then it’s up to you to establish boundaries with your husband, to hold him accountable for how his unhealthy relationship with her is affecting you and your family members. Good luck. NTA.

  11. OddInspector2657 Avatar

    Your husband is the problem. NTA.

    Why is he intent on disrespecting you?

  12. Fun_Ideal_5584 Avatar

    MY spouse will support me with any issues we have with our in-laws. Why does your spouse treat you as second best?

  13. Impossible_Smile4113 Avatar

    Posts like this make me glad my in-laws hate my family and vice versa. There are no crossovers save for important events like graduations, and that works just fine for us. You need to have a heart-to-heart with your husband, and he needs to support you and stop feeding his mother details.

    NTA

  14. Anxious-Routine-5526 Avatar

    Your husband is the problem here. He’s the one telling/inviting your MIL to your family’s events because he feels she’s entitled to be there. Why? Why does she have to be included in everything?

    That’s the conversation that needs to take place. Simply asking him not to tell her probably won’t work.

    NTA.

  15. no_fcks_lefttogive Avatar

    NTA – your husband is inviting her. Stop inviting your husband

  16. Anxious_Article_2680 Avatar

    I agree with you. Hard no to mil coming to your family events.  Don’t tell your husband anymore. Or change up the day or time so he will know he has something but not exact info. My mil if she could have driven would have done this. 

  17. jgardner827 Avatar

    Nta. Would be one thing if she was a delight there but she talks shit and then steals food for more non invited people. Hopefully your husband is just blissfully ignorant of how she behaves and doesn’t mind being told to stop.

  18. ChicagoWhiteSox35 Avatar

    You have a husband problem. He is inviting his mother, whether you like it or not. Every time. Make sure you stop telling your husband about family events in advance. I bet the problem stops then.

  19. markayhali Avatar

    This is strange. I am not sure why your husband is even telling her about the events to begin with.
    Who cares if she is temporarily hurt. She’s a big girl.
    Also, she likely won’t be hurt at all since it is not like she is being told not to come.
    She is just not being told the get together exists.

  20. LiveKindly01 Avatar

    NAH but you will be close to one if you’re not careful.

    1 – Sounds like your husband wants his mom around more. (INFO – does he have other close family where his mom is invited to or is it just him?)

    2 – You marreid into his family. You don’t just abandon his mom becuase she takes leftovers and annoys your family. Obviulsy you husband is fairly close to her and the more you push her away, the bigger problems you’ll have.

    3 – Also sounds like you need to agree on when it’s good to invite his mom. I mean maybe he sees the great relationship your side all has and he wants his mom to experience it all too. With boundaries of course. And maybe some open conversation about certain things that would make your relationship go smoother.

    As for ‘what’s normal’……..in our family, whoever is nearby and available gets invited, family-wise. Yes, sometimes it’s just a ‘my side’ of the family dinner but if it’s a bigger bbq or something, everyone is invited. Both families. Now, we don’t have a crazy huge family and his side is only his mom and sister, but of course they’re invited. Family is not perfect, they can be annoying and passive aggressive, but they’re FAMILY and I will warn you that you cannot come between your husband and his mom if they are close and she’s not specifically harmful (annoying is not harmful, lol).

    Talk to hubby and make some agreements. And you need to swallow your ‘preferences’ a little and be more accepting of people you don’t necessarily jive with. You married him, he’s close wiht his mom, you know that, don’t mess it up.

  21. SinglePermission9373 Avatar

    I can see where you’re coming from. She’s annoying, however I’m not sure this is a hill to die on. In my family everyone’s in-laws are always invited to my parents house for stuff even just Sunday dinner. Also, I don’t see an issue with her taking a plate of leftovers. We send leftovers home with people all the time. Maybe she should’ve asked first I guess, but is it really that big of a deal? I’m also not entirely sure she’s coming uninvited. Sounds to me like your husband is inviting her. So before you accuse her of that, you might want to check into it a little further. When he’s telling her about these events, he might be inviting her to these events.

  22. SensitiveDrink5721 Avatar

    NTA. Your husband must stop inviting her. Don’t care if she’s offended; she’s a rude gate crasher

  23. lilyofthevalley2659 Avatar

    Your husband is unbelievable. He’s the one inviting her. You have a major asshole for a husband. NTA

  24. Altruistic-Pay4253 Avatar

    Why are people so concerned about people’s feelings who clearly don’t care about anyone else’s feelings?? I would stop telling your husband the details of events and then just tell him you guys have plans for that day and time 😂 but your friend needs to shut up hahaha