I can’t believe I have come to asking this online,but I really need some unbiased advice. I (30 female) have been with my boyfriend (40 male) for over 3 years. Our relationship moved fast, and we ended up moving in together within 6 months of meeting. We have a blended family with children, none together, but we have a strong bond. My boyfriend’s sister (33 female), hates me, but she didn’t even give me a chance. Before meeting, I knew she was known as a, “mean girl,” so to speak, but figured over time she would loosen up. I was excited about the possibility of building a bond with her. She is my boyfriend’s only sibling and they were close. I noticed just after my boyfriend and I moved in together that she would made snide remarks about me like how I use eyebrow pencil to fill in my eyebrows, my clothes, my parenting, etc. We, along with my SIL and her husband, went to a wedding out of state for a childhood friend of my boyfriend; boyfriend was in the wedding. I have never had such a miserable time at a wedding in my entire life. It was clear she wanted me to feel like the outcast, and it worked. After we came home, I sent her a long and heartfelt text telling her how I feel. She took several days to respond and basically blamed me for being reserved as a person and not an extrovert. I have always been a private and reserved person, but I 100% feel I made an honest effort to engage with her. This did not change anything and my boyfriend sat down with her to ask her why she was so blatantly unkind to me, and her response was, “I just don’t like her.” When he defended me and said she doesn’t know anything about me and has never given me a chance she said she, “didn’t need to and can just tell when someone isn’t her kind of person.” She told him she will never like me and if he chooses to stay with me, it will take a toll on their relationship. Well, over the last 2.5 years, it has. She has since befriended all of his friends wives and now invites those couples on every adventure she and her family do, does a girls trip yearly, and go on camping trips all together, but purposefully excludes my boyfriend and I. This has been ongoing, but within the last year, has significantly increased. It’s so bad that when I walk into a room where they are, they stop talking around me and most barely engage in small talk with me. My boyfriend is hurt by this, feeling like he has not only lost his sister, but lost his childhood friends as well. Most recently, his sister and friends took another trip and did not invite us. His Mom slipped up and told us, not knowing we weren’t invited. This infuriated him, and hurt our kids feelings. I have never been one to care what other people’s’ opinions are, but being that this is affecting my loved ones, it’s very upsetting to all of us. So Reddit, what should I do? Would I be the asshole if I confronted her, again? What should I do/say if I do?
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I can’t believe I have come to asking this online,but I really need some unbiased advice. I (30 female) have been with my boyfriend (40 male) for over 3 years. Our relationship moved fast, and we ended up moving in together within 6 months of meeting. We have a blended family with children, none together, but we have a strong bond. My boyfriend’s sister (33 female), hates me, but she didn’t even give me a chance. Before meeting, I knew she was known as a, “mean girl,” so to speak, but figured over time she would loosen up. I was excited about the possibility of building a bond with her. She is my boyfriend’s only sibling and they were close. I noticed just after my boyfriend and I moved in together that she would made snide remarks about me like how I use eyebrow pencil to fill in my eyebrows, my clothes, my parenting, etc. We, along with my SIL and her husband, went to a wedding out of state for a childhood friend of my boyfriend; boyfriend was in the wedding. I have never had such a miserable time at a wedding in my entire life. It was clear she wanted me to feel like the outcast, and it worked. After we came home, I sent her a long and heartfelt text telling her how I feel. She took several days to respond and basically blamed me for being reserved as a person and not an extrovert. I have always been a private and reserved person, but I 100% feel I made an honest effort to engage with her. This did not change anything and my boyfriend sat down with her to ask her why she was so blatantly unkind to me, and her response was, “I just don’t like her.” When he defended me and said she doesn’t know anything about me and has never given me a chance she said she, “didn’t need to and can just tell when someone isn’t her kind of person.” She told him she will never like me and if he chooses to stay with me, it will take a toll on their relationship. Well, over the last 2.5 years, it has. She has since befriended all of his friends wives and now invites those couples on every adventure she and her family do, does a girls trip yearly, and go on camping trips all together, but purposefully excludes my boyfriend and I. This has been ongoing, but within the last year, has significantly increased. It’s so bad that when I walk into a room where they are, they stop talking around me and most barely engage in small talk with me. My boyfriend is hurt by this, feeling like he has not only lost his sister, but lost his childhood friends as well. Most recently, his sister and friends took another trip and did not invite us. His Mom slipped up and told us, not knowing we weren’t invited. This infuriated him, and hurt our kids feelings. I have never been one to care what other people’s’ opinions are, but being that this is affecting my loved ones, it’s very upsetting to all of us. So Reddit, what should I do? Would I be the asshole if I confronted her, again? What should I do/say if I do?
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> I am wondering if I would be the asshole if I confronted my sister in law. Would it make things better or worse between us?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO
How do you have a sister-in-law if you’re not married?
The “in law” component of that label is kind of the part that carries all the weight.
Are you related to her husband by blood?
NTA. She sounds very manipulative and toxic.
YWBTA (YTA). She’s been asked and gave her answer. It’s an unsatisfactory answer to you and your boyfriend but she’s not going to change it, except, maybe, to something meaner. She doesn’t like you, she doesn’t have to.
Don’t approach her! That will only make her feel smug and in a power position. Don’t give her the satisfaction!
She’s clearly a toxic and jealous person.
She will only use whatever you say as fuel and amunnition against you. It’s not worth it.
Just gray rock her. (Google that therapy term!)
Also, read up on the Mel Robbins’ “Let Them” theory.
It’s a long game, but be yourself, be authentic and have healthy boundaries. The goal is to be “caring assertive” and build your own best life.
NTA
You wouldn’t be an asshole if you “confronted” her again, it’s just a useless exercise. Your bf needs to sort his life out, speak with his sister. Why didn’t he invite his childhood friends to go on trips with y’all? Why don’t y’all find new friends to hang out with?
This sounds harsh but it’s very possible that she just doesn’t like you. Some personalities just don’t get along and that’s just something you have to tolerate.
However, it’s wrong that she has let her dislike of you strain her relationship with your brother. But ultimately that relationship is not yours to fix. Your boyfriend needs to step up and make an effort to patch things up with her. This is not your responsibility.
NAH. Your SIL is welcome to associate with whomever she wishes, just as you are free to invite your BF’s friends and their wives to do things with you without including his sister.
I mean, I guess you could confront her if you want, but to what end? You can’t “confront” someone into liking you, and generally if you try, it backfires.
Let your husband deal with his own relationship with his sister however he sees fit. He can also invite his childhood friends over whenever he wants. You do you, and go find some friends who like you without you having to cajole them into it.
I want the SIL side of the story, there seems to be some missing context. Like first of all, did your boyfriend say that she was a mean girl or was that just your impression? Also how did she make you feel like an outcast at the wedding? Also it’s weird that all of his friends stopped wanting to hangout with him and chose her if they know she was a “mean girl”. This post is reminding me a lot of the one about the moon who bought her sons switches for Christmas…
She’s not your SIL, but your NTA, just need to accept the answer and decide if you can be in a relationship with someone whose family is hostile to you
YWBTAH: She sounds like not a very nice person. She doesn’t have to like you and she doesn’t have to tell you why. But she can’t be rude. Your boyfriend should correct her behaviour when it happens.
What you should do is live your life and completely ignore her. Invite your friends to do things together and never mention ‘SIL.’ Assume she doesn’t exist and if someone tries to gossip about her change the subject.
And find some more friends that she doesn’t know.
NTA but I agree with another commenter that it wouldn’t get you very far. Instead maybe what you should do is host some type of event that you’re comfortable with (since you’re not an extrovert) and have the friends judge your character for themselves. After all you’re still with your Bf, and if you see this moving forward then there’s no harm in taking it upon yourself to improve the situation.
Find new friends. These guys have been brought into a sides thing, and your boyfriend’s sister won.
Being hurt won’t change it. She is obviously getting off in the power of it. So asking her why she is bullying you will only more empower her.
Thst friend group has made their choice and the mom obviously has not taken any issue with her daughter’s bullying.
So find new friends and write off the sister. And only be around the mom one in two.
Your peace of mind will improve dramatically, since she is escalating things on her side.
To answer, yes. You would BTA if you approach the sister ever again. Turn your back and live your life. Confidently.
You and your boyfriend.